


Sweet Creature

by olgushka



Series: Sweet Creature [1]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Cheating, Domestic, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Kid Fic, Love Confessions, M/M, Mild Smut, Parenthood, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-12
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2018-11-13 08:47:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 102,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11181213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/olgushka/pseuds/olgushka
Summary: Apparently being a single parentanda drummer in one of the most popular bands in the world is not as easy as it seems.





	1. Chapter 1

A knock on the door wakes him from a shallow sleep. Josh opens his eyes and looks down at the tiny _creature_ sleeping on his chest. He doesn't want to move - if he moves now, the creature will wake up and the horror will begin again. He's hungry but it doesn't matter: for once, the flat is quiet. He needs the silence more than he needs food. 

The knocking repeats, louder and longer this time. _Go away_ , Josh thinks, looking down again when the creature sighs in its sleep and curls its tiny fists. Whoever is standing on the doormat can come back later. He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and lets his head fall back against the back of the couch again. He's tired. He's dead tired and he needs some sleep. _Just ten more minutes_ , he begs quietly. 

The blissful feeling of falling asleep slowly surrounds him again but then the sound of the key turning in the lock jerks him awake and Josh panics. He instinctively wraps his arms around the creature, pleading _don't wake up, just don't wake up_ in his head, observing every tiny movement of the tiny face. Tyler's voice calling Josh's name echoes through the apartment when the door finally opens and the drummer's heart increases its rate when the creature stirs in his arms. _No. Please, no._ The creature moves its head and Josh fights the urge to press his palms against its ears to block the noise and prevent the horror he knows gonna happen in the next few seconds.

„Josh?” Tyler calls again and the tiny eyes start to flutter open. „Josh, you _asshat_ , are you here?” The singer asks, showing up in the living room at the same exact moment when the creature lets out the first whimper of distress. Tyler looks at the scene before him and stops dead in his tracks with his mouth wide open but Josh ignores him. He pets the creature's head and starts humming the first lullaby that comes to his mind. He presses his lips against the top of the little head and the hope is back because the creature's eyelids start to droop again. Josh is about to release a long breath of relief but then Tyler takes a step closer and _speaks_. „What's going on here?” He asks quietly but loudly enough for hell to break loose.

The creature wakes up fully and tries to lift up its head. It lets out a high-pitched squeak and the pacifier flies out of its mouth and lands on the floor before the drummer can catch it. Tiny hands grip the material of Josh's t-shirt and a grimace of annoyance flashes on the creature's face. The first round of crying is short and quiet but Josh knows it's only the beginning.

„Please, sweetie.” Josh whispers. „Please, don't cry.”

„This is a baby.” Tyler states and the drummer rolls his eyes.

He doesn't answer. Instead, he stands up and starts rocking the crying creature, holding it close to his chest. He glances at the clock and counts how many hours have passed from the last feeding. The volume of screaming increases and Josh's head starts to hurt all over again so he turns to the kitchen and looks around the messy counter for a clean bottle. He finds none.

„Oh, no.” He gulps nervously when he notices that all four bottles he owns are dirty with cold baby formula leftovers. „Oh, no.”

„Josh, this is a baby.” Tyler says again when he enters the kitchen a few seconds later.

„No shit, Sherlock.” Josh hisses angrily and the singer's eyes widen at the tone and the curse word.

„Josh.” Tyler tries again, even if the creature's impatient crying is getting louder and it's hard to talk. „Why does she look like _you_?”

Of course, Tyler noticed - it's hard not to when the shape of the tiny eyes and her dark hair are so similar to Josh's. The drummer holds the creature with one hand and uses the other to support his weight against the counter. He feels like his legs are about to give out at any second. There's a screaming baby in his arms, a huge mess in his kitchen, no clean bottles to prepare the formula, a throbbing pain inside his skull and a very confused bandmate standing right next to him. He doesn't realize he's crying until a warm hand squeezes his shoulder and the other wipes the wetness from his cheek. He can't help but lean into the touch, letting out a painful sob.

His knees finally give out underneath him and he drops down to the kitchen floor. He's ready for the hard landing but the fall is suspiciously slow. Tyler's hands are still there and they support him until the drummer slides all the way down and finally sits on the cold tiles with his back pressed against the fridge door. 

„Josh? Josh! Are you okay?” The singer crouches down in front of him and Josh can see how Tyler's eyes travel from his face to the tiny human in his arms. Josh shakes his head and sniffles loudly, still petting the child's head. „How can I help?”

„You want to _help_?” Josh asks and his raspy voice mixes with the loud screams. 

„I want to know what's going on but yeah, you look like you need some help first.” The singer winces when surprisingly loud sound leaves the creature's mouth.

„She- She's hungry.” Josh chokes out. He tries to hush her but nothing seems to work. „But I don't have any clean bottles. I was too tired- Tyler, I don't have any clean bottles.” He repeats and tears well up in his eyes again. 

„It's okay, Josh. Do you want me to clean them?”

„Just one. For now, just one.”

„Alright.” Tyler says and gets up from the floor. He grabs the first bottle he can reach and moves to the sink. „So, I guess there's some unique way of cleaning baby bottles, right?”

„Yeah. There's a bottle brush... somewhere.” Josh looks up but he's still sitting on the floor and the counter is too high for him to spot the brush. Luckily, Tyler finds it without any problem. „Clean the bottom and sides of the bottle with it. There's also a tiny brush to clean out the rubber nipple but it may be harder to find. I don't really remember where it is.” The drummer says and Tyler throws him a surprised look but does as he's told. He picks up the brush and waits for more instructions. „Use the dishwashing liquid from the blue bottle. You have to dismantle her bottle first, though.” Josh mumbles and closes his eyes, resting the back of his head against the fridge. The screaming stops just to start again a few seconds later and the creature's face is red and soaked in tears. „Then rinse everything out with hot water.”

„I'm done.” Tyler says after a short while. „What now?”

„Boil the water in the kettle. It should be left to cool for at least thirty minutes but we have no time for that so just pour the water into the bottle and keep it under a running cold water for a few minutes. It can't be too hot but it can't be too cold either.” Josh recites, sounding almost like an expert.

„Are you kidding me?” Tyler says to himself but still follows the drummer's orders. „And?”

„And follow the instructions on the bag.”

„Okay. Okay, I can do that.” The singer nods and starts preparing the formula. 

When Tyler starts shaking the bottle, trying to mix the milk, Josh opens his eyes again. The singer kneels down and hands him the bottle after the drummer maneuvers the child in his arms. Josh tries to put the rubber nipple in the creature's mouth but she keeps screaming and waving her tiny arms in every possible direction, almost knocking the bottle out of Josh's grip.

„Please, eat.” Josh begs but then lets out a long frustrated groan when once again she refuses to take the nipple in her mouth. „Please, you're hungry.”

„Let me try.” Tyler says and Josh stares.

„What?”

„Let me try.” The singer repeats and sighs at the sight of Josh's terrified face. „I know how to handle babies, Josh. Come on, she's been crying non-stop for the past fifteen minutes. She looks like she's gonna pass out in a moment.” He smiles and reaches out. _She's totally fine with screaming for two hours straight_ , Josh thinks but doesn't say it out loud. Instead, he only nods and lets his best friend take her in his arms. Tyler stands up and starts pacing slowly around the kitchen. He hushes the creature for a few seconds and shakes the bottle in front of her face. „Hello there, pretty lady. Look what I’ve got here. It's lunchtime.” He guides the rubber nipple to her mouth and she opens it, looking at the singer with wide eyes. „Here you go...” Tyler whispers as she starts sucking.

Josh's lips part in shock. He shakes his head in disbelief, bringing his legs close to his chest. He rests his forehead on his knees and squeezes his eyes shut, breathing deeply and enjoying the moment of blissful silence. When he opens his eyes five minutes later, he's not in the kitchen anymore. He's in his bedroom, covered with a warm blanket. He sits up and looks around in panic. The clock on the wall says it's almost seven in the evening which means he's been out for over four hours, not five minutes. The flat is quiet and the wooden crib in the corner of the room is empty.

His heart starts beating two times faster when he pushes the blanket away, throws the bedroom door open and sprints through the apartment. He runs into the living room and stops abruptly when he spots the creature on the floor, trying to reach the toys hanging from the colorful activity gym right above her head. Tyler is right next to her, sitting cross-legged on the carpet, watching her with a warm smile on her face. He looks up when Josh enters the living room. 

„Hey.” Tyler says and waits for some kind of response but when he doesn't get any, he continues. „When I finished feeding her, I found you asleep on the floor so I moved you to the bedroom. You must have been really tired, huh?” He asks but Josh keeps staring at the creature. A small stuffed rabbit falls out of her grip and Tyler picks it up and gives it back to her. „She had a quick nap on the couch after she ate so I cleaned up your apartment a bit. I also googled that she should eat about every three to four hours so I made her another bottle of milk half an hour ago. I changed her nappy and now we're just playing but she's getting restless again so I guess she's ready for another round of sleep.”

Josh looks at him with a blank expression on his face. He can't take it anymore so he covers his mouth with his hand to stop himself from sobbing. Tears start to roll down his cheeks when he takes a few steps back.

„Josh?” Tyler frowns. He calls his name again but the drummer retreats to the kitchen. The singer follows him and puts his hand on Josh's shoulder once he reaches the older man. „It's okay, Josh. Whatever it is, it's gonna be okay. Just... Uh. Just wait here. I will put her to bed and we will talk, okay?”

He nods and Tyler gently squeezes his upper arm before walking back to the living room. He hears him talking quietly to the creature and then the apartment falls silent again. Josh cries, looking around the clean kitchen. The takeaway and pizza boxes are gone, all baby bottles are clean and lined up on the counter. Everything is shiny and in order, and the floor is free of stains and crumbs. All of this only makes him cry harder because his bandmate has done more in a few hours than Josh managed to do in two weeks. He's standing in the middle of his kitchen and he's crying because Tyler fed the creature, put her to sleep, cleaned the apartment and played with her without making her angry. He's crying because Tyler was able to keep her quiet for hours and it looks like the creature trusts the man she's never seen before more than she trusts Josh.

He hides his face in his hands and chokes on his tears. He doesn't know how much time has passed before he's being pulled into a hug and he can't help but drop his forehead to Tyler's shoulder. The singer doesn't say anything when he leads Josh to the living room and makes him sit down on the couch. He waits patiently until Josh runs out of tears and only sniffles quietly into the crook of Tyler's neck.

„It's okay.” The younger man murmurs. „Don't cry.”

Josh snorts and laughs through his tears.

„I can't remember the last time I played my drums or even showered, I'm too tired to wash a freaking bottle, I haven't eaten any normal food in ages, haven't slept properly for God knows how long, my own daughter screams her head off when I get anywhere near her but she fully trusts my best friend even if she's never seen him before.” Josh says. „And you're telling me to stop crying?”

„Your _daughter_.” Tyler repeats dumbly.

„Of course, she's my daughter!” The drummer shouts and pulls away from the embrace but when Tyler winces, he lowers his voice down. „Have you seen her? You can tell. Anyone can tell.” Josh says and wipes his nose with the back of his hand. „She's like a freaking _copy and paste_.”

„Yes. I mean- She looks like you but when- I mean... How?” Tyler tries to ask the right question. „I don't understand.”

„What's there to understand?” Josh drops his gaze. „Sometimes unprotected sex leads to unplanned fatherhood.”

„Unprotected sex? You had an unprotected sex?” The younger man asks. „Who was she? Oh, my God. Tell me she wasn't a fan. You didn't sleep with a fan, did you?”

„No!” Josh shakes his head. „No. She wasn't a fan.”

„Okay. Okay, that's... good. Who's the mother then?" Tyler insists but Josh doesn't want to answer this question. He can imagine Tyler's disappointment when he finds out. „Josh, this is important. Who's the mother?”

„Debby.” The drummer whispers, still avoiding Tyler’s eyes. There's a long moment of uncomfortable silence so Josh dares to look up just to see a deep frown painted on his best friend's face.

„How old is your daughter again?”

„Almost six months old.”

The singer looks away and counts under his breath. His frown deepens even more and he looks back at Josh. And Josh knows that Tyler _knows_. 

„But...” Tyler hesitates. „You weren't together when-”

„No, we weren't _together_ when it happened.” The drummer confirms. „We went to the New Year's Eve party as friends but both had too much to drink and ended up in my hotel room.”

„Oh. But why now? Why do you suddenly have a baby under your roof?”

„I'm her father. And Debby can't take care of her right now. She... Her career is important.”

„And your career is not?” Tyler raises his voice. „That's selfish!”

„Debby is amazing, okay? But she has this big project coming up and we're on the post-tour hiatus so I'm helping her out. I'm not gonna turn my back on her. We're still friends.” _Lies. So many lies._

„Friends who have a kid together?” Tyler hisses in anger.

„It happened, okay? It happened but I can't turn back time. I thought... I hoped you would be the last person to judge me. I'm just a human, Tyler. I'm aware that I made a mistake. A big mistake. I don't need you to remind me how badly I screwed up.” Josh says impatiently, trying to blink away another wave of tears and Tyler falls silent after that. They don't talk for a while and Josh tugs at his unwashed, greasy hair, exhaling shakily. He's not surprised by his best friend's reaction, he was ready for the disapproval but this was only the beginning. How is he supposed to tell Tyler that the creature is staying with him not only for a while but for the long period of time because he agreed to raise her? How is he supposed to tell his bandmate that he needs a long break from music because being a single parent without any help from his family and the drummer in one of the most popular bands in the world at the same time seems too terrifying? „I really need to shower.” Josh starts to break the silence. „Would you mind if I went to take a shower?”

„Why? It's your apartment.”

„No, no. I mean, in case she wakes up...”

„We'll be fine, Josh. Go. Enjoy your shower.” Tyler smiles lightly and Josh tries to smile back. He gets up from the couch but before he can escape from the living room, Tyler's voice stops him. „You knew about her.”

„Yes.” Josh looks over his shoulder. „I knew from the beginning of Debby's pregnancy.”

„That's why you've been flying back and forth to Los Angeles every chance you had.”

„Yes.”

„That's why Debby took a break from acting and disappeared for a while.”

„Yes.”

„And you didn't think about telling me about this?”

„No.” Josh shakes his head and takes a step forward but Tyler stops him again.

„Are you gonna get back together now?”

„No.”

„Why not? You obviously still have feelings for each other. And now you have a kid together. What's wrong with getting back to each other?”

„We can't be together for a reason I would rather not talk about.” Josh says and hopes that Tyler will drop the subject but then another _why?_ leaves the singer's mouth. „It's pretty personal.” _Please, don't push it_.

„Since when do we keep personal stuff in secret from each other?” Tyler insists but Josh doesn't answer. He only shrugs and starts walking again. „Josh?” Tyler says quietly. Josh exhales and turns around for the third time. „You've never told me her name.”

_The creature._

„Izzy. Her name is Izzy. Well... _Isabel_.”

The drummer smiles at the memory of choosing the name but then hurt flashes in his eyes and he quickly walks in the direction of the bathroom, deciding that it's a good moment to end Tyler's investigation. He locks himself inside, strips and steps into the cabin. He rests his forehead against the tiles and lets the warm water pour over his shoulders. He cries again. Everything is too much to handle.

When he gets out of the shower after half an hour feeling the cleanest in weeks, the flat is still quiet. There's only a faint cluttering sound of pots and cutlery in the kitchen. He peeks into his bedroom where the creature sleeps soundly in her crib, grabs a clean t-shirt and walks out of the room. He notices Tyler's small suitcase in the hallway near the front door. 

„Are you cooking?” He asks, peeking into the kitchen.

„You said you haven't eaten any proper food in a while. I didn't find much in your fridge but it was enough to make some rice and veggies. I will pick up some groceries tomorrow morning.” Tyler says, focusing on mixing vegetables in the pan. Josh sits at the table and his stomach growls, making the other man chuckle. „You really do look like you haven't slept or eaten in weeks. How long has she been here?”

„A little over a month. I took her right after we started our break.”

„Is she really that unbearable?”

„It's... Uh. It's complicated.” Josh says. „Around Debby, she was always like a little angel. So calm, so peaceful. But since I took her to my apartment, she does nothing but cries. No, she doesn't cry. She screams her head off like I'm about to murder her. You've already witnessed that. I've already had three visits from the neighbors in the last two weeks. Two of them were full of concern and sympathetic smiles and the last one consisted of a police and social services threat.” Josh drops his eyes to his lap. „I told them she suffers from bad bellyaches but I don’t think they believe me anymore. I don't understand how did you manage to make her stay so calm and how she easily obeys when you feed her or put her to sleep.” Josh finishes speaking and Tyler places a plate full of food and a glass of water in front of him. „Thank you.” He says quietly and starts eating. He feels Tyler’s eyes on him but tries not to look at his friend. When the tension is getting annoying, he leans back in his chair. „What are you doing here, Tyler?” He asks, after shoving more than a half of the meal into his mouth.

„Well, we were supposed to discuss our plans for the next album. And your mom asked if I heard from you. You weren't picking up your phone, no one could reach you.”

Josh snorts with derision and throws his head back.

„Right.”

„What?” Tyler frowns.

„She cares _now_?”

„What do you mean?”

„Nothing.” Josh mumbles and continues eating.

„Josh.”

„She almost disowned me when she found out that I managed to drunkenly knock up my ex-girlfriend and we don't plan on getting married.”

„What?” Tyler stares in shock. „But she visited us on tour a couple of times and she was so... so _her_!”

„We've made an agreement not to talk about it, no one was supposed to know. She's a good actress when she needs to be. She may act all lovingly but in fact, she hates my guts.”

„Don't say that. She's your mom, dude.”

„Yeah, right.” Josh rolls his eyes and pokes the piece of broccoli with his fork. He shoves the rest of the food into his mouth and puts the plate aside. „Debby's parents are really supportive but they're also really consistent. They promised to help us during _emergencies_ but quoting them, this is our cross to bear and we need to learn to live with the consequences of our actions.” He sighs. „Which means they won't take care of Izzy when Debby is filming or when I'm on tour because it's not an emergency.” He says and rubs his eyes. 

„We will work it out.” Tyler promises. „Still tired?”

„Yeah, I mean...”

„Go back to bed.”

„No, I can't-”

„You _can't_ take care of your daughter when you barely stand on your feet, Josh.” The singer says and puts the empty plate in the sink. „Get some more sleep. I will watch both of you tonight. I’m planning to stay in LA for a few days anyway. I know how to prepare the formula, I figured out where you keep diapers and other necessary things. Uncle Tyler is ready to take charge and you really need to rest. We will talk later and try to figure something out, okay?” Tyler's speech makes Josh emotional again. He stands up, walks over to the singer and hugs him as his life depends on it. Tyler smiles at the gesture and hugs him back, running his warm hands over Josh's back. He holds him close when the sobs on his shoulder. „Alright, go to bed. You're physically and emotionally drained. Everything will be fine, I promise.”

„Okay.” Josh nods and wipes the wetness from his cheeks. „Okay. Thank you.” He takes the glass of water that Tyler offers him and after sending him one last thankful smile, Josh turns on his heel and starts walking to his bedroom.

„Oh, and... Josh?” Tyler calls out and Josh raises his eyebrows questioningly. „You made a really cute human.”


	2. Chapter 2

The muffled sound of crying reaches his ears. It almost feels like being underwater and listening to the sounds coming from above the surface. The crying is getting louder and Josh slowly comes back to his senses. He lazily opens his eyes and props himself up on his elbow to look inside the crib. The full moon is the only source of light in the room and he blinks a few times to clear his vision. Before he can do anything, the door opens and a dark figure steps into the room. They come closer and reach inside the crib to pick up the creature.

„Iz...” He mumbles, trying to tell the dream from reality.

„I've got this, go back to sleep.” The figure says.

„T'ler?”

„Yes. Go back to sleep.”

Josh is not strong enough to argue. He falls back against the pillows and drifts off once his head touches the soft cotton-ish material. 

When he wakes up again, a ray of sunshine hits his face. He rubs his eyes and rolls to the other side of the bed until the sun doesn't blind him anymore. He feels well-rested for the first time in ages. The crib is empty and he realizes that Izzy is probably with Tyler. He feels bad for putting the whole responsibility on the singer's shoulders but he can't make himself get out of bed just yet. He selfishly slides further under the covers and stares at the ceiling. 

Suddenly, he remembers about his phone, abandoned somewhere in the silent mode. He reaches inside the drawer to take it out and he's not surprised to see a completely black screen. He plugs his dead phone into the charger and turns it on. He needs to wait a few good minutes before the flood of notifications comes to an end. When his iPhone stops dinging, he ignores social media but scrolls through the list of missed calls and unread messages. He snorts at the number of texts his mother has sent him ( _we need to talk, please call me back as soon as you can_ ), smiles at full of concern messages from Tyler ( _dude, I’m worried sick, pick up your stupid phone_ ) and frowns at two simple texts from Debby from two days ago ( _how's Izzy?_ and _are you both okay?_ )

 _Hey. Iz is fine. Loud. But we're okay_. He types quickly. _I put my phone on silent and completely forgot about it. Sorry._

 _Oh, thank God_. The reply is immediate. _I thought you're still angry at me_.

 _I am not. I’ve never been. My phone was constantly going off and it was making Izzy angry._

There are a few minutes of the break between texts and Josh replies to Mark and Jesse. He deletes the messages from his mother and focuses on clearing his social media notifications. In the meantime, his phone goes off again.

 _Listen_ , Debby sends, _I know it's probably too much to ask for after everything I’ve put you through and you don't have to agree but I'm flying to Sydney on Monday and I thought I could see Izzy before I'm gone?_ Before he can type the reply, Debby sends another message: _You don't have to agree for this. It was just a thought, I'll be gone for a few months. But I understand if you don't want me to see her._

_It’s fine, you can visit. I won’t ban you from seeing her._

_How about Sunday?_

_Sunday sounds great._

_Thanks. I will let you know what time I'm gonna drop by._

He smiles lightly and puts the phone away so the battery can charge in peace. He reaches his arms above his head in a stretch and finally decides to leave the bed. He finds his sweatpants and a tank top and puts them on before walking out of the bedroom. He ruffles his messy hair and yawning, turns to the living room where he hears the sound of the TV.

„Well, well, well. Look who decided to join us!” Tyler says when he notices him. He's standing in the middle of the room, holding Izzy with her back pressed against his chest, keeping one arm under her bottom and the other across her stomach. He bounces her up and down every now and then, letting out weird noises. Izzy seems to like it because she giggles with every sudden movement of Tyler's arms. When he stops bouncing her, her eyes focus back on the big TV where _Barney & Friends_ plays currently on the screen. The singer smiles. „How are you feeling?”

„Much better.” Josh says, stepping closer to the pair.

„You were out for over fourteen hours.”

„Yeah, sorry about that.” The drummer looks down and nervously scratches the back of his neck. 

„No, don't be sorry. You were tired, you needed that.”

Josh smiles. He looks at his daughter, occupied with staring at a big purple dinosaur and drooling over her tiny fist. She looks calm and _happy_ and Josh wonders if it's because he's just a shitty father or Tyler is secretly a child whisperer.

„Are you spoiling my child with television? She will get addicted.”

„Special treat for being such a good girl.” Tyler says, planting a big sloppy kiss on the top of her head. The drummer raises his eyebrows but doesn't comment on Tyler's affections towards the creature or calling her a _good girl_. „She woke up three times at night. Two times she went to sleep immediately after I fed her and once she refused to eat or sleep so we had a late night songwriting slash rolling-on-the-carpet session.” The singer grins. „She's getting good at that. She's almost ready to start crawling.”

Josh doesn't say anything for a long while, just watches his friend carrying Izzy around the room. He knows that when the time is right, Tyler will be an amazing father. He's collected and relaxed and Josh is wondering if it's all for show and how long will it take until Tyler finally loses his patience and flips out on him.

„Why are you acting like this?” Josh asks quietly.

„Like what?” The singer frowns, trying to stop Izzy from _eating_ his finger.

„Like _this_ is normal. Like you're not freaked out by the fact that I suddenly have a child.”

„What do you want me to do? Yell at you? Tell you how unresponsible you are? Do you expect me to hate her because she's the fruit of your mistake?” Tyler asks and Josh shrugs, averting his gaze. The singer starts pacing around the room again, lost in thought. He stops in front of Josh and looks at him. „She's just a child and she's not the one to blame. I like her. She's cute. It doesn't change the fact that we still need to have a serious talk. Yes, it's quite a shocker but I won't abandon my best friend just because he made a mistake. I know I might have given you that impression yesterday but I swear, Josh, I’m not gonna turn my back on you because I know that if I were in your position, you would do the same for me.” Tyler smiles warmly and Josh copies the gesture. He's tearing up inside but takes a deep breath and composes himself, deciding that he has cried enough. „Well!” Tyler's loud voice snaps him out of his thoughts. „Since you're awake, I'm gonna head out and buy some groceries. There is not much edible food in your fridge. You will probably find some cereal or toast and jam for late breakfast but-”

„No!” Josh anything but yells, making Tyler take a step back. „Please, don't leave me alone with her.” He begs. „I can't- Please, Tyler. She will cry again, I can't deal with that, she hates me.”

„Dude, she's your daughter, she doesn't hate you. And she's just a baby. Little babies _cry_.”

„Not like her. Once she falls into her fit, it's impossible to calm her down. Please...” Josh panics. He's sure that if Tyler leaves now, Izzy will freak out again.

„I will be gone for an hour.”

„ _Please_.” The drummer whimpers. The sound is pathetic but he doesn't care - he's ready to humiliate himself just to avoid staying alone with his own daughter. It seems to work because Tyler rolls his eyes and rests his hands on his hips, clearly thinking about the situation. But then Tyler comes up with ten times worse idea: going out together. „W-what? Tyler! No! We- We can't!”

„For God's sake, why not?” The singer raises his voice in annoyance and Izzy lets out an unhappy sound. „I'm sorry, pumpkin.” He murmurs close to the baby's ear. „We didn't mean to scare you.”

„What if someone sees her!?” Josh whisper-shouts.

„Sooner or later people will find out about her.” Tyler says calmly. „You can't keep her locked in your apartment forever just because you're afraid of people seeing you. You don't have to post tons of pictures of her on Instagram if you don't want to. It's none of anyone's business where did the baby come from and that's only for you to decide how private it should be. But hiding her in this place won't help her.” He stops speaking and looks at Josh with a frown on his face. „Wait... Have you ever taken her outside since she's been here?” He asks and Josh shakes his head. „Josh! Are you serious? She needs some fresh air! You treat her like a prisoner and you're surprised that she cries all the time!?”

„Wow, are you suddenly a child expert?” Josh spats although he knows that Tyler is right.

The singer ignores him and looks around the room. Instead of arguing further, he decides to change the subject.

„Do you have a baby car seat and a stroller?” He asks and Josh nods hesitantly. „Good. Go and eat something. I will dress her and get her ready to go. We're going shopping!” He announces, turns the TV off and leaves the room with the creature still in his arms, ignoring Josh's whining. 

Suddenly, the drummer is not that hungry anymore. He almost starts hyperventilating at the thought that paparazzi could see him and take pictures of Izzy. His band is big and he's quite recognizable with his neon hair. His phone will blow up and the fans will lose their minds. He can imagine all the intrusive questions - he knows that once they're back to doing interviews again, the whole attention will be paid not to his band but to his daughter. But what is music compared to gossiping about who is he sleeping with? He's not ready for explaining where did Izzy come from and who's the _lucky mom_. 

He makes himself a bowl of cereal and chews slowly, feeling like everything he swallows stops somewhere in his throat. He eats a few more spoons but then a wave of nausea hits him and he places the bowl in the sink. He pours himself a glass of water and quickly gulps everything down. He wipes his mouth, takes a few deep breaths and makes his way to his bedroom to look for something decent to wear. 

Stepping inside, he finds Tyler bending above the bed where Izzy, butt-naked, keeps kicking the air and giggling loudly. They're having some sort of I-need-to-dress-you/no-I-don't-want-to-get-dressed fight and Josh feels the sting of jealousy. _Keep her_ , he thinks, looking at the singer. _You're so much better with her than I am_. He finds a clean pair of black skinny jeans and a plain white t-shirt and quickly puts it on. 

Tyler straightens up, keeping hands on his hips and looks down at the creature with a playful pout on his face. He glances at Josh and before the drummer can say anything, a diaper hits him in the face.

„I give up!” Tyler announces dramatically. „I think she wants her daddy to do it.”

„I think she just wants to piss you off since she's been a _good girl_ for too long.” Josh sighs but when Tyler steps aside, he approaches the bed. Izzy keeps her eyes on him like she can't decide if she should start crying now or later and Josh's heart increases its rhythm. He doesn't know why - maybe because he doesn't want Izzy to cry or maybe because his best friend is standing right next to him, watching him failing at fatherhood. „Hey, lovebug.” He whispers, swallowing nervously. _Please, don't cry, please_.

He touches her tiny thighs and runs his fingers over her soft skin like he's testing her reaction. She keeps watching him but stops kicking her feet so he slides one hand under her tiny bottom and lifts her up a bit to put the fresh diaper underneath her. He brings the front part up on her stomach and fastens the tabs with trembling hands. Before he can back away, Tyler hands him clothes he picked and Josh has no other choice than dress her himself.

He carefully dresses her in a plain white short-sleeved bodysuit and colorful floral leggings and finishes her outfit with white socks and plain pink cardigan. He rubs his hands over his face and lets out a shaky breath when he's done. He instinctively picks her up and puts her close to his chest, kissing her temple. 

„Good job!” Tyler grins. „See? It wasn't that-”

And just like that, the creature starts crying. She lets out a loud squeak and then moves suddenly like she's trying to wiggle out of Josh's grip. She hits his cheek with her tiny fist and _screams_ as loud as she can. Tears flood Josh's vision and before he can think twice about what he's doing, he pushes Izzy into Tyler's arms and flees out of the room. 

„I can't deal with this anymore!” He yells. „I'm done. I'm _fucking_ done!” He puts his shoes on, grabs the car keys and runs out of the apartment, slamming the door shut on his way out. 

He takes the stairs to the underground garage and once he reaches his car, he kicks the front tire a few times out of frustration. Then, he slides into the driver's seat of his car and bangs his forehead against the steering wheel. He puts the key into the ignition but doesn't start the engine. Petting pockets of his jeans he realizes that he didn't take his phone or wallet with him. _Maybe we should give her up for adoption once she's born_ , Debby's words ring in his head. _Maybe we should have_ , he thinks and tears finally spill out of his eyes. He quickly wipes them off his cheeks.

He stays in his car for an hour, just listening to the music and trying not to think too much before he decides to go back upstairs. He feels a pang of guilt when he steps into the elevator and pushes the button to his floor. When he opens the door and enters the apartment, it takes only three steps inside before Tyler walks out of the living room and sighs in relief once he sees the drummer. He walks over to Josh and quickly gathers him into a bone-crushing hug. 

„Don't scare me like that ever again.” Tyler mumbles against his shoulder.

„I'm sorry.” Josh says quietly, enjoying the safety of his best friend's arms. „I didn't mean to freak out. It's just too much sometimes. I didn't mean to get you involved in my problems, I've never wanted to dump this on you like that. I'm so sorry.” He rambles.

„It's okay.” Tyler murmurs, still rubbing his back. „I understand. We're fine, everything is fine.”

„Where's Izzy?” The drummer asks when he pulls out of the embrace. Tyler points in the direction of the living room. „Is she watching cartoons again?”

„I needed to keep her busy with something. My hands kept shaking too much and I was scared that I would drop her.” Tyler says with concern in his eyes. „I’m worried about you. I’ve been here since yesterday and I can already tell how badly the situation overwhelms you and that you’re on the verge of breaking down completely. We really need to talk and sort this out, you know.”

„I thought we were supposed to go shopping.”

Tyler looks up in surprise.

„You want to go out?”

„Not really. But I know how stubborn you are so let's get over it before I freak out again.” Josh sighs. 

„Okay.” Tyler says after a long moment of consideration. „Okay. We will make it quick. We will go to Walmart or whatever is close enough, get groceries, go back, put Izzy to sleep and then we will sit down and talk. About Debby, Izzy, your mom, our band and everything else. And you’re gonna tell me _the truth_.”

The way Tyler says the last word, sends shivers down Josh’s spine. It’s like Tyler knows that there’s more to the whole story and just waits for the drummer to spill his guts.

The trip to Walmart is not as disastrous as Josh thought it would be. They buckle Izzy up in her seat and she stays silent through the whole ride – she’s wide awake, playing with her stuffed rabbit and trying to bite off its ear. Tyler drives, listening to Josh’s directions and rolling his eyes at every _don’t drive too fast_ comment and fully ignoring him after assuring the drummer: _I’m literally going ten miles under the speed limit, Josh!_ the first ten times.

They put Izzy’s carrier on top of the shopping cart and start their journey, wandering the aisles and getting all the things they need. They spend there over an hour and end up leaving the supermarket with three big bags of groceries and the fourth one full of baby products and accessories. No one seems to look at them funny or recognize them and Josh breathes out in relief once they’re back in the parking lot, putting the bags into the trunk of the drummer’s car. He slides into the passenger seat and takes his sunglasses and the hood off, smoothing down his hair. For a moment he’s considering redyeing it to something boring and more natural to make himself less visible.

„I would totally kiss you if you did that.” Tyler says jokingly, climbing into the driver’s seat and Josh realizes that he must have voiced his thoughts out loud. „I love your natural hair, man. But whatever makes you happy, you know?” He grins and looks at Josh. „Buckled up?”

„Yup.” 

„Iz! Buckled up?” He asks loudly and sits straight to take a better look at her in the rearview mirror. The creature babbles silently, letting out a louder _a-ga!_ right after Tyler asks the question. Both men burst into laughter and Izzy copies them, giggling in a high-pitched voice which sends them into even bigger laughing fit. „Oh, gosh... I love her.” Tyler says, starting the engine.

Josh stays silent - he takes his eyes off Tyler and props his elbow on the window frame. They drive back with the radio silently playing in the background. Tyler hums along to every song and normally, Josh would air-drum to the beat but this time, he can’t bring himself to have fun. The bile in his throat rises with every green light that leads them closer to his apartment. He knows that Tyler won’t give up and sooner or later will make him talk. 

So he’s not really surprised when his best friend instructs him to unpack the shopping bags and escapes from the kitchen with a bottle of warm milk. He shows up again after twenty minutes with an empty bottle and a small smile on his face. He leaves the door slightly ajar so they can have their conversation but still hear Izzy if she wakes up. Josh watches him as he washes the bottle and wipes his hands with a dishcloth.

„Alright.” Tyler says, fills two glasses with water and sets one in front of Josh. Then, he sits down on the other side of the table and looks at the drummer. „Spill.” 

„I think you should find another drummer.” Josh says. _There, a bomb dropped_.

Tyler chokes on his drink. He needs to hit his chest a few times until he's able to take a deep breath again. He coughs and clears his throat before he looks at the drummer.

„You didn't say what I think you just said.”

Josh exhales and props his elbows on the table, lowering his head and running his fingers through his hair. 

„You should find another drummer.” He repeats and Tyler _laughs_.

„Are you serious?” The singer raises his eyebrows but when Josh stays silent, blankly staring at the table and nibbling at his bottom lip, Tyler's tone doesn't sound amused anymore. „You're serious. Are you out of your mind?”

„I can't do this.” Josh whines. „Izzy and... and the band. I can't do this.”

„Of course, you can.”

„No, you don't understand.” Josh shakes his head. 

„Josh, look. Dallon has children. Kenny has a little kid. Many guys in the bands have kids and they don't give up on their career just because they're fathers now.”

„Yeah. But their kids have moms and loving grandparents and...”

„Izzy has a mother too.” Tyler argues and Josh tugs even harder at his hair. „You're gonna do this together, right? You're taking care of Izzy when Debby is filming and she's gonna help you out when you're on tour.”

„No.” Josh says.

„No? What do you mean, _no_?”

„What I mean is that Izzy is staying with me. Permanently.”

„Permanently.” Tyler repeats. 

„Debby doesn't want her.”

Tyler leans back in his chair. _Another bomb dropped. A few more news and this place will blow up_. Josh shyly looks up to see his best friend staring back at him with an unreadable expression on his face. It's something between concern and anger, and Josh is not sure if he should continue or not.

„Okay.” Tyler says after a few long seconds of silence and Josh swallows nervously. „I really want to call her something really bad and probably use the b-word but I know you would punch me in the face if I did, so I will stop myself from being judgemental until I hear it all. I really need to hear it all. _Everything_ , Joshua. I need to know what is really going on.”

Josh nods hesitantly. He drinks his water and starts speaking before he can change his mind.

„As you already know, it started at the New Year's Eve party.”


	3. Chapter 3

**January 1st**

Josh wakes up with a throbbing pain in his skull and a warm weight on his left shoulder. He tries to move but there's an arm thrown over his chest. He finally opens his eyes and looks down at the person sleeping right next to him. 

_Oh, God_ , he thinks and squeezes his eyes shut when a wave of pain hits his temples. He waits and opens his eyes again when nausea goes away. Debby sleeps soundly pressed to his side, with her face buried in the crook of his neck. The bed sheets are covering only the lower parts of their bodies and he stares at the shape of her tanned breasts. They're both completely naked and the flashbacks of the last night slowly come back to him: party, drinks, dancing, drinks, more drinks, fireworks, kisses, dancing, drinks, hotel, sex. He looks around the room and sees their clothes on the floor.

He places a gentle kiss on Debby's forehead and runs his fingers through her long hair. She stirs and wrinkles her nose before nuzzling her face against his chest a few times and finally opening her eyes. She doesn't move for a while but then she lifts her head and locks her eyes with Josh's. 

„Well, shit.” She says in her raspy morning voice, after realizing what they've done.

„Yeah.” Josh agrees, never stopping playing with her hair. 

 

**February 13th**

The club is loud and full of people. Josh nods along to the music, looking at the small stage where his friends from Vesperteen are playing their gig. His sister appears at his side and hands him a suspiciously colorful drink.

„What's this?” He yells in her ear. „You know I'm driving!”

„Just try it. It's non-alcoholic, I swear!” 

He takes a sip, tasting the sweetness on his tongue. He doesn't feel any burn of the alcohol so he drinks some more.

„It's good.” Josh agrees.

„Told you.” Ashley winks and sits beside him. 

„Too sweet, though.” Josh grins and bumps their shoulders together when the girl rolls her eyes. They sing along to the lyrics they know and clap along to the beat until two songs later when his phone starts buzzing in his pocket. He pulls it out and stares at the screen. „Hey, sweetie. What's up?” He says after pressing it to his ear.

„Josh, I need-" Debby's voice gets cuts off by a loud bang of a drum. „I'm-”

Josh sighs when Colin encourages the crowd to scream.

„Wait. I'm gonna go find a quiet place.” He says loudly, pokes Ashley in the shoulder and points to his phone and the back of the club. She gives him a thumbs up and goes back to drinking her beer. Josh pushes his way through the crowd to the back of the club and finds an empty hallway close to the bathrooms. It's much calmer here, so he leans his back against the wall and tries to continue his conversation with Debby. „Hey, I'm back! We can talk now!” He says but he doesn't get a reply. „Debby?” He looks at his phone to make sure that the call is still going and presses it against his ear again. „Debby, do you hear me?”

„Yes.” Debby says in a small voice. „Uhm... Hey. Are you busy?”

„I'm at the Vesperteen gig. What's up? Are you okay?”

"Y-yeah.” She sniffles. „No.”

„What's going on?” He asks, alerted. „Debby? What's wrong?” 

„I'm sorry.” Debby sobs. „I didn't mean to ruin your evening.”

„You haven't ruined anything. Tell me what's wrong.”

„Josh. I think- I think we have a problem.” She says and before Josh can ask what kind of problem it is, Debby speaks again. „I'm pregnant.”

„You're... pregnant.” He repeats dumbly, blinking quickly. His stomach drops and the air is suddenly gone from his lungs. He almost lets his inner freak out take over his body but then Debby starts rambling and he focuses on her voice.

„I didn't get my period last month but I thought it was stress and too much exercising but now, my period was late again and I've been feeling weird for a while and I thought it was a stomach flu but then, I don't know, I remembered about our... _night_ and I took the pregnancy test and it's positive, and I swear to God, I haven't slept with anyone since the New Year's Eve party-”

„You took the test?”

„Yeah. Like... Four? From the cheapest one I got in Walmart to this freaking _exclusive_ plastic stick that I got recommended in a drugstore and I had to pay almost forty bucks for just to fucking pee on it.” She says, trying to sound composed. „They all said that indeed some creature made itself at home in my fucking uterus.” Debby clears her throat. „Josh?”

„Yeah, yeah. I'm still here.” He says, running his fingers through his hair and backs away when a group of young people stops a few feet away from him to chat near the bathroom door. „I'm- I mean... It's...” 

„Inconvenient? Badly timed? Not your problem?”

„No, God... Debby.” He exhales and pinches the bridge of his nose. „Where are you?”

„In my bathroom, on the floor, having a staring contest with four white sticks with mocking pink lines.” She says and her voice cracks again. Josh knows she's trying not to cry.

„I'm on my way.”

„What? Aren't you, like, in Ohio?” Debby asks, confused.

„Yes. I'm taking the first available plane to Los Angeles.”

„No, Josh! Wait. You don't have to!”

„I do.”

Josh says his goodbyes and ends the call. He quickly goes online and groans when he finds out that the last flight to Los Angeles departed twenty minutes ago. He books the first available morning flight and sends Debby a text message with the hour or arrival. After that, he sighs and makes his way back to the table. His legs are shaking and his heart is thundering in his chest. _She's pregnant._

„You good?” Ashley asks when he sits down next to her. „You're a little bit pale.”

„I'm fine.” He nods. _She's pregnant. What the heck._

 

**February 14th**

It's seven in the morning when he shows up at the front door of Debby's flat and knocks loudly. She opens the door, barefoot, with messy hair and dark circles under her eyes, wearing an oversized black knitted sweater that hangs loosely from her shoulders. She steps back to let him in and once the door closes behind him, he pulls her into his arms. She easily falls into his embrace, burying her face in his chest and starts crying silently. He hushes her, petting her head and murmuring sweet nothings in her ear. He picks her up and carries her to the living room, gently lowering her on the couch. They sit down and she hooks her legs over his thighs, pressing herself closer to him. He rocks her back and forth until she calms down enough to be able to talk. 

„Happy Valentine's Day.” Josh says, kissing her temple. „Sorry I didn't get you flowers. I was kinda in a rush.”

„It's okay. I'm glad you're here.” She says quietly, smiling. 

„How are you feeling?”

„Like crap. I threw up ten minutes before you came.”

„So...” Josh starts hesitantly. „The baby... is mine?”

She tenses but sits upright and looks at him with her big brown eyes.

„Yes, of course, it is. Please, believe me! I haven't been with anyone since the party, I swear to God, I haven't!” She says desperately and a tear roll down her cheek. „We can even take the blood test if you want, anything, I'm-”

„It's okay, Debby, I believe you. I believe you.” He says and puts his hand on her cheek, wiping the tear away. „Calm down, it's alright.”

„It's not alright, I'm pregnant and I don't know what to do!”

„First of all, you need to see a doctor and make sure that everything is okay with you and the baby.” Josh says, gently stroking her cheek. „There will be time to worry about everything else later.”

They spend the next couple of hours talking quietly and Debby dozes off every now and then. After lunch, Josh settles back on the couch with her laptop and the list of doctors and hospitals on the screen. The TV plays in the background while he scrolls through the list of names and addresses. He gets into the responsible father mode and he's determined to find her the best doctor out there. He writes down another name when his phone starts ringing. He mutes the TV and answers it, trying to sound as cheerfully as always.

„Hey, Ty.” 

„Hey, man. Well, I'm here, where are you?”

„You're... where exactly?”

There's a moment of silence on the other side of the line.

„We were supposed to have a band rehearsal today. You haven't forgotten, have you?” Tyler asks, confused.

„Holy crap.” Josh sighs and leans back against the back of the couch. He makes the eye contact with Debby who walks into the living room with a cup of green tea and sits down next to him. The conversation is loud enough for Debby to hear most of the things Tyler says. „Look, I'm sorry, I won't be able to make it.”

„What?”

„I'm in Los Angeles.”

„Los- Are you serious? Just yesterday you were in Columbus!” Tyler shouts into his ear.

„Yeah, well... Something came up.” He says, biting his bottom lip. 

„ _Something came up_? What could possibly come up so suddenly?”

Josh looks at Debby and she slowly shakes her head.

„Something important. I'll be back in a few days.”

„In a few days!?” Tyler sounds completely pissed off. „Dude, we have a show in Cleveland tomorrow! What the hell, Josh? Are you high?”

„The show! Right... The show. Of course, I'll be back for the show. Ha-ha! Silly me.” He lets out a fake laugh and hits his open palm against his forehead.

„Josh-”

„I'll be back tomorrow. I'll make it to the soundcheck, okay? Look, I gotta go.”

„No, wait!”

„I'll see you in the venue.”

„Joshua, if you hang up on me right now, I swear to God, I will set your drums on fire!” Tyler yells.

„Bye, Tyler!” He says and ends the call. He exhales shakily and throws his phone on the coffee table.

„You don't have to stay.” Debby says.

„It's fine. I will fly back straight to Cleveland tomorrow.” He takes her hand in his. „We're in this together, okay? I'll try to be here for you as much as I can.”

„Thanks.” She smiles lightly. „Can we... not tell people yet? Or like, at all.”

„Of course. Although we will have to tell our parents at some point. But that can wait.” He nods and gives her a quick kiss in the forehead. „Okay. Now, let's find you a doctor.”

 

**February 28th**

They're in the tour bus, heading to another city when Josh's phone dings announcing a bunch of new text messages. 

_I had my appointment this morning_ , Debby sends. _I'm officially eight weeks pregnant and the creature is apparently about the size of a kidney bean_.

Josh can't help but look at the calendar on the wall and count the weeks. 

_We're both fine. My doctor signed me up for some tests and NT scan after I pass the eleven-week mark._

„Why are you grinning at your phone?” Tyler asks, walking into the lounge.

„I'm not.” He says quickly, not taking his eyes off the screen.

_My boobs hurt and my bras don't fit._

_I ate a whole pan of fried spinach last night and I hate spinach with a passion. I threw it all up this morning._

Josh chuckles and Tyler sends him a long questioning look. 

„What's so funny?”

„Nothing.” Josh shrugs and backs away to the bunk area.

_I think it's time to tell our parents. I don't want to wait any longer. It makes me feel anxious enough. They have the right to know._

_I have a three day break between shows next week._ Josh types. _I will fly back to LA and we can tell your parents._

_What about yours?_

_I will tell them._

 

**March 10th**

„Are you ready?” Josh asks.

„No. But let's get it over with.” Debby says, squeezing his hand and knocking on the door to her parents' house.

 

**March 19th**

Josh arrives at his parents’ house unannounced and is relieved to find out that only his mother is present. She’s the most difficult person in the whole family and he knows that breaking such news to her won’t end up in hugs and kisses. It's better if they talk about it without his father and siblings involved.

„So, what did you want to talk about?” Laura asks, sitting on the couch next to her son. 

He fights an internal battle with himself, hesitating whether he should somehow prepare her for his next words or drop the bomb just like that. He chooses the second option.

„Debby's pregnant.” He says, not wanting to dance around the subject any longer.

„Oh. That's... That's great, I guess? But what it has to do with-”

„I'm the father.”

Laura opens her mouth but no sound comes out. Her eyes widen and she breaks into a big grin.

„Oh, my God!” She says, getting excited. „Oh, my Lord! Josh! Does this mean you're back together? And you haven't told me? How could you?”

„Mom...”

„I knew you would get back together eventually. She's such a sweetheart. Did you propose? You have to propose! I'm not happy that you let it happened before the marriage, but that's okay. We just have to set up the wedding before her belly starts showing so people won't talk. I'm so excited! How long have you known?” She takes his hand is hers and looks at him with wide eyes.

„Mom-”

„Do you know the gender yet?”

„Mom, please.” He says louder and Laura sits back. „We're not getting married.” 

„What are you talking about?”

„We're not getting back together and we're not getting married.” He says calmly. „It's our mutual decision.”

Laura laughs but then the expression on her face turns serious but confused again. She drops his hands and starts playing with her own fingers – something she does when things don’t go as she planned.

„Joshua. This is serious, son. You will have a child, you have to get married. Your child needs a family. Married parents.”

„It will have a family without us getting married.” He sighs. „Did you hear what I just said? We're not getting back together.”

„Why?” She insists. 

„It doesn’t matter.”

„Don’t you dare to avoid answering my question. Just tell me why!”

„I'm in love with someone else.” He says and swallows nervously. 

Laura quirks her eyebrow.

„Does she know?”

„Of course, she knows. That's why we broke up in the first place. I didn't want to hold her back.”

„You're not getting back together and you're in love with someone else, yet you decided to have a child? This is unbelievable!” 

„We didn't decide anything.” Josh sighs. „It just... happened.”

„Oh, Lord.” She says, defeated. „It was an _accident_?”

„Yes, something like that.”

„How could you be so irresponsible?” She raises her voice, stands up and starts walking around the room. 

„Mom, we were shit-faced drunk, we weren't thinking!” He yells in annoyance, not even stopping himself from cursing.

„Of course, you weren't thinking.” She hisses and looks at him accusingly. „I honestly did expect more from my, almost, a thirty-year-old son.” Laura says and something in Josh's chest stings. „You know that people will talk.”

„That's what people do. They always talk.”

„You want to be a weekend dad, then?”

„I will be there for both of them as much as I can. Honestly, this should not be your concern.”

„Not my concern?” She scoffs and throws her hands in the air. „It will ruin our family's reputation! You're not exactly an average human being, Joshua. You're famous! How will I look people in the eyes? What will I say? _Ah, yes. This is my grandchild. Apparently, fame got into my son's head so he decided to have a one night stand with his ex-girlfriend and here it is, the result of his mistake._ ”

„No one needs to know. Debby and I decided that no one will know.”

„Well, of course, no one will know!” Laura yells louder and he winces. „Because you won't tell anyone!” She points her finger at him. „You will make it work and you will make sure that no one knows about this baby. I will not tolerate something like _this_ under my roof. Unless you start acting like an adult and start making adult decisions, I don't want to hear about this ever again. This stays between us. You will not tell your father or your siblings about it. And if any of my friends... of _our_ friends find out about it, I swear to God, Joshua, you will not like the consequences of your careless actions.”

„And what will you do, ground me?” He talks back. „I'm not fifteen anymore, you know?”

„But you act like you are!”

He gets up from the couch, snatches his wallet, car keys and phone and makes his way out of the living room. 

„Thanks, mom. Thanks for proving that you actually care more about what other people have to say than about the well-being of your own son and your future grandchild.” He says and walks to the front door. „I shouldn't have even come here.”

„I will not change my mind, Joshua.”

„You don't have to.” He says, walks out of the house and slams the door on his way out.

 

**March 21st**

„I talked to the producer.” Debby sobs into the phone. „He was furious. He yelled at me, told me how inconvenient the whole situation is and complained about having to change the whole schedule and move my scenes so we can finish filming them before I'm _huge_. I've never felt more humiliated in my life.”

 

**May 9th**

„So... When can we find out the baby's sex?” Josh blurts out when Debby lowers herself down on the examination table. 

„Well, you're eighteen weeks in.” The ultrasound technician says, spreading gel on Debby's round stomach ( _I look like I've been noshing on too many bagels_ , Debby would say). „If your baby will cooperate and I can get a clear view of the genitals, I can tell you today. The question is, do you want to know?”

Josh locks his eyes with Debby and she shrugs but nods slowly.

„Yeah, why wouldn't we want to know?”

„Some couples want it to be a surprise." The technician smiles and starts guiding the transducer over Debby's belly.

„No more surprises.” She says quietly and closes her eyes.

Josh pushes a few loose locks from her face and tucks them behind her ear. He squeezes her hand and looks up at the monitor when the black and white image appears on the screen.

„And this is your baby.” The technician says and Debby slowly opens her eyes. There's no emotion behind her look and Josh squeezes her hand even harder. He knows she's scared, tired and frustrated. „And your baby is... a... Come on, turn, turn... Ah, yes. Congratulations, you're having a girl.”

„A girl.” Josh repeats and exhales.

„She's really active. Look how busy she is flexing her arms and legs. If you haven't felt her kick yet, you will probably feel it very soon. Nice acrobatics right there. Maybe she will join our national gymnastics team.”

„Nah, she will probably become a drummer.” Debby says and averts her gaze.

Josh smiles lightly and looks at the screen again. They spend the next fifteen minutes in comfortable silence while the technician checks the baby's development and prints them pictures.

„She's five and a half inches long, there are no abnormalities in her brain, heart, kidneys or liver, no birth defects, your placenta is in the right position and the amount of amniotic fluid is just right.” The technician smiles. „Everything looks good. You're halfway there.” She says and hands Debby a handful of paper towels. 

„Yeah. Halfway there.” Debby sighs. Before they leave the room, she starts crying and the technician looks at her with a little smile.

„That happens. I will leave you alone, take as long time as you need.”

She hands Josh the ultrasound pictures and quietly leaves the room. He helps Debby to clean her belly, puts the used towels in the trash bin and sits next to her on the table. He pulls her into his arms and rocks her back and forth, assuring her that everything will be alright.

„I can't take this anymore.” She sniffles. „I want her gone. I can't carry her for another four months. I want her gone.”

 

**May 13th**

„Happy birthday, Debby.”

„Fuck you, Josh!”

The bedroom door slams shut.

 

**June 2nd**

„What's so awesome about Los Angeles?” Tyler asks while they’re laying on Josh's hotel room bed, shoulder to shoulder, playing games on their phones.

„What do you mean?” Josh frowns. He looks at Tyler and the singer sighs. He puts his iPhone back on the bedside table and rubs his hands over his face.

„I miss you.” Tyler mumbles from behind his hands.

„I'm right here.”

„No. I miss you, alright?” Tyler snaps. „We never hang out anymore. And I don't mean seeing each other every day for soundchecks and interviews and shows. That's work. I want to hang out with my _best friend_ , not my _co-worker_. I want to go to Taco Bell, play Mario Kart with you, maybe go out and do something fun. But every time we have a few days off, you disappear. Before I can blink, you're already packed and on the plane to California. When we have a single day off, you busy yourself with exercising. You go for runs or lock yourself in the gym, or you go skateboarding, or you're on your phone all freaking day.” Tyler says, frustrated. „What's going on, Josh?”

„Nothing.”

„Nothing! Nothing! You always say _nothing_! If it was nothing, you wouldn't fly back and forth to Los Angeles every day off we get and you wouldn't be on your stupid phone all day.”

„Tyler...” _I can't tell you_.

„Is there any problem with your apartment? Or did you find someone? Or maybe you're so tired of me that you need so many breaks?”

„No, none of that.” Josh shakes his head.

„Then what?”

„It's...” Josh sighs. _I can't tell you_.

„Are you sick?”

„No, gosh, no!”

„Then _what_?” Tyler insists.

„It's... It's nothing. It's really nothing.” Josh says and Tyler groans. He gets up from the bed, takes his phone and marches to the door. „Tyler, wait! Don't go.”

The singer turns around with his hand on the doorknob and words explode from his mouth.

„We're falling apart.” Tyler says in a shaky voice. „We don't spend any of our free time together, you escape to LA every time you have a chance, there's obviously something you don't want to tell me about, you keep secrets from me although we agreed to never ever keep secrets from each other, you avoid me and we barely talk about anything else than the band.” He blinks away the wetness from his eyes. „It sucks. It's a freaking nightmare. I feel like I'm losing my best friend to God knows who or what and every day it just gets worse and worse!” He raises his voice but Josh's face must reveal something bad because immediately, Tyler's expression turns soft again, he hangs his head in shame and stares at the floor. „I'm sorry.” He says, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hand. „It's just...” He takes a deep breath. „This tour is the biggest we've ever had. And sometimes it's overwhelming and I feel like you don't need me anymore. But I need you. Sometimes I really do need you and you just... you're not there.”

„Oh, Tyler.” Josh throws his phone on the bed and without thinking twice, crosses the room and pulls Tyler in a big hug. „I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.” He whispers when Tyler breaks down in his arms. „I'm so sorry, Ty.”

„It's fine.” Tyler manages to choke out between sobs. „I'm probably overreacting.”

„No, you're not overreacting.” Josh runs his fingers through Tyler's hair in a soothing manner. „You're right. I've been acting like an asshole for the last couple of months but I have reasons for it. Reasons I can't tell you about. Before you say anything - I know what we have agreed for but this is something I need to take care of alone and I'm not ready to tell you about it. I probably will, eventually. Just... Please, please don't be mad at me.”

„I'm not mad. I'm just a little bit sad.”

„I will always need you, Tyler. Don't ever think I won't.”

„Okay.”

„Tomorrow, I'm gonna turn off my phone and pay all my attention to you. How does that sound?”

„Good. Pretty good.” Tyler says, rubbing his face against Josh's shoulder.

„Eww, stop wiping your snots on my t-shirt.”

„That's what you get for keeping secrets from me.” Tyler mumbles and pushes his face further into the crook of Josh's neck.

„Alright, fair enough.” Josh chuckles, running his hand up and down the singer's back. „Come on. Let's get some sleep. I'll even let you stay in my room and be the little spoon this time.”

 

**June 18th**

„Happy birthday, buddy!” Michael says and embraces Josh. „I wish you all the best, man. Lots of love so you can finally find the right girl and create a Dun junior!”

Everyone laughs and Josh chokes on his wine. For a moment he feels like he's gonna die right there in front of his friends, from the lack of oxygen and the embarrassment at once. 

„Yeah, thanks.” He says, wheezing. „Dun junior. Definitely.” 

„Come on, you all know that Josh is married to his drums.” Tyler grins.

„Well, you can't really have sex with drums.” Someone says.

„I bet Josh has his ways.”

Josh's face _burns_. He's surprised that his cheeks are not actually on fire.

„Can we, like, eat the cake now? Jeez.” He says, gulps down the rest of his wine and heads to the table where a big cake waits to be cut.

 

**June 30th**

„This is such a mess.” Josh cries into the phone, sitting on the closed toilet lid in the tour bus bathroom, after another fight with Tyler. 

Debby's silent on the other side of the line. 

„Maybe we should give her up for adoption once she's born.” She says eventually and tears spill from Josh's eyes.

„Yeah.” He agrees. „I think we should.”

 

**July 10th**

_I'm moving to my parents' house for a while, just so you know where to find me. I feel too exposed in LA._

 

**July 24th**

„Debby, calm down!” Josh shouts when another plate flies over his head and shatters against the wall.

„Baby, please stop.” Debby's mother pleads, taking a step back.

„Debby, it's alright...”

„Nothing is alright! I've never wanted to become a mother, Josh! Never!” Debby yells with fury in her eyes. „And now she's growing in me and... and... I don't want her!” Another plate hits the wall. Josh ducks and covers his head with his hands, trying to get closer to her. „I can't deal with a child, I'm too young for this! My career is dead! Look at me! I'm disgusting, I've already gained so much weight!” She sobs, taking a few steps back and leaning against the counter. She breathes heavily, wiping her wet cheeks. „I have stretch marks everywhere! And... And everything hurts... And I... I just...” She reaches for another plate but Josh takes a few steps closer, snatches it from her hand, quickly puts it away and embraces her in a grounding grip, with her back pressed against his chest. She tries to free herself from his arms, turns around and backhands him across the cheek. His head flies to the side and he closes his eyes after the hit. His cheekbone stings and he knows that one of Debby's rings cut the skin open. Debby gasps at the sight and stops fighting. „Oh, my God.” She whimpers. „I'm sorry! I'm sorry!”

„It's okay. Come with me. Come on.” He guides her into the living room and makes her sit on the couch. He motions to Debby's mother for a glass of water and when she brings it back, he makes Debby drink it. „Slowly. You don't want to make yourself sick.”

„I don't love her, Josh.” Debby says after a few minutes of silence. „I should but I can't bring myself to love her.” She sniffs and Josh hugs her tighter. He puts his chin on the top of her head and locks his eyes with Missy who's still hovering near the door with a sympathy written all over her face. „This whole wriggling, kicking and punching inside of me feels alien-like and I hate it. I don't want her, I don't want her! Being a parent is an enormous commitment and I just can't do it. We can't do it.”

Missy comes closer and crouches down in front of the couch, lightly touching Debby's knee.

„Baby, have you ever thought of placing your child for adoption?” She asks and Debby nods.

„We've talked about it a few times.” 

„Yeah, we’re seriously considering this option.” Josh says.

„If you feel like you can't give your child the love she needs, giving her up for adoption can be one of the best decisions you... both of you can make for your child.” Missy says. „She will find a loving home and bring joy to those who can't have their own baby. But you have to be one hundred percent sure about this.”

„You don't want to become a grandma then?” Debby sniffs.

„I don't want to be a grandma of an unwanted child, Debby.” Missy sighs. „I won't help you raise a child that you don't want. If you decide to keep it, fine. We will help you when the help is really needed but this is your child and you both need to learn how to make it work with your jobs. So your options are either raise her no matter what or give her up for adoption.”

„We should do it.” Josh says.

„Yeah.” Debby agrees. „I think so.”

 

**July 25th**

„Dude, what happened to your face?” Tyler's eyes widen when he steps closer and inspects Josh's cheek.

„I walked into a door frame.” Josh mumbles and locks himself in his dressing room.

 

**August 2nd**

_I’ve picked five waiting families who seem to be good enough for adopting the creature. Check your emails. I want to know your opinion._

 

**August 3rd**

_Number 4._

 

**August 10th**

Josh pushes the curtain to Tyler's bunk open and climbs inside, immediately pushing his face into the singer's chest.

„Jeez, dude. Warn a guy, would you?” Tyler sighs. „Josh? You're shaking. Why are you shaking?” The singer asks. „Are you crying? What's happening?”

„I need to have a good cry.” Josh sniffs. „You never judge me when I cry so I came here to cry.”

„Can I ask what caused this?”

„No.” Josh shakes his head. „Just hold me and sing to me and don't ask any questions.”

 

**August 15th**

Josh paces around the dressing room, rotating the drumstick in his fingers. He's completely lost in his thoughts and ignores everything and everyone until his green alien mask hits him in the face. He glances at Tyler who looks like he's been trying to get Josh's attention for a while now. Finally, all the sounds from the outside of the dressing room come back to him and he realizes how loud the crowd is.

„You look more stressed than usual, Jishwa. What's on your mind?” Tyler asks, putting on his red blazer.

„If something really important was yours but you didn't want it at first and you decided to give it to someone else but then you started to hesitate and eventually wanted to keep it even if it would turn your life on its head and probably ruin everything you've been working for, would you keep it?” Josh blurts out.

Tyler looks at him with a confused expression on his face. 

„I mean, I tend to rap fast but I think you just broke the world record. Come back when you start speaking English again and stop being so damn mysterious.”

 

**August 21st**

_The meeting with family#4 is set up for next Monday._

_I'm not sure if I can make it back to the States on time. I'll let you know._

__

__**August 28th** _ _

__„They're really nice and good people.” Debby says._ _

__„I hope they are.” Josh murmurs, balancing his phone between his ear and shoulder._ _

__„We're meeting again in two weeks. The adoption specialist will be there. We're gonna sign some papers. It would be good if you were there for that too.”_ _

__„We have a whole week off between shows. I will be there.”_ _

__

__**September 5th** _ _

__„What would you do if I ever quit the band?” Josh asks sleepily._ _

__„I would punch you in the face. Then I would kill you. And then I would slit my own wrists open.” Tyler mumbles, keeping his eyes closed._ _

__„Sick.”_ _

__

__**September 12th** _ _

__Josh tosses and turns in his hotel bed. He's overthinking and he can't sleep. He knows it's his last chance to make a decision._ _

__It's four in the morning when he finally falls asleep just to be awoken again by his alarm clock going off an hour later._ _

__

__**September 13th** _ _

_You said you would come. The meeting is today at five._

_CANCEL IT_

_What?_

_I'm on my way. We need to talk. Just cancel the meeting. DON'T SIGN ANYTHING_

_Josh, what are you on about???_

_I'm taking her, Debby. I'm taking her._

His phone rings.

__„I'm boarding the plane. Hold the meeting.” He says, after putting his phone against his ear, without looking at the caller ID. „I need to talk to you and your parents.”_ _

__„Josh, what the hell?”_ _

__„I can't give up on her like that.” Josh says. „I'm on my way. I'll be there in a few hours. Please, cancel the meeting.”_ _

__The three-hour flight seems to last longer than normal. He shifts impatiently in his seat looking through the window. He's made his decision: he's gonna keep the baby. Father's instinct and the feeling of being responsible for another human being that he helped to create are stronger than the desire to play in the band and travel the world._ _

He's still not sure how he will be able to raise a child and keep his drummer position. If raising his daughter means quitting music and giving up on the band, _that's fine_. Tyler can easily find another drummer. Josh doesn't want to hold him back.

__He exhales when he finally arrives to Debby's parents' house and knocks on the door._ _

__„Josh.” Missy says, opening the door and letting him in. „Debby said you're experiencing seconds thoughts?”_ _

__„Yes.” He says, kicking his shoes off in a hurry and marching inside the house. „We need to talk.”_ _

__He finds Debby in the living room, sitting in the armchair with her legs propped high on a chair and pillows. Her feet are swollen and she looks even more tired than before. She looks up from her book, closes it and tucks it somewhere between her hip and the armrest._ _

__„What's going on?” She asks, not bothering with greeting him properly. He crosses the room, nodding to Debby's father and crouches in front of her, looking her straight in the eyes._ _

__„I'm not giving her up.”_ _

__„We've talked about this. I don't want her.”_ _

__„I want her.”_ _

__„Wow.” Debby snorts. „Has one of us finally found their long-lost parental instinct?”_ _

„I'm serious. I'm not letting any strangers take her. I may not be ready, the whole situation can ruin my entire career but she's my daughter, my child, _my blood_ and if I chose the easiest way out of this, it would make me the biggest asshole in the universe.”

__„I'm still choosing the easiest way out.” Debby looks at him with hurt in her eyes. „Does that make me an asshole?”_ _

__„I didn't mean-” Josh pinches the bridge of his nose. „I don't blame you, Debby. I will never blame you for not being ready to become a parent. I don't feel ready myself. I liked the idea of finding her a loving home but now, I don't want to do that anymore. I changed my mind. People change their minds, Debby. And maybe one day, you will change your mind too. And I'm willing to take her in, I'm willing to learn, to watch her grow up. I'm scared of being a parent but I will do anything I can to not screw it up.”_ _

__„Jesus Christ.” Debby sighs and rubs her tired eyes. „Oh, Jesus...” She looks at him. „But you're still on tour. And she is supposed to pop out in like, two weeks tops. How do you want to do that?”_ _

__„Yes, I know. That's why I have a huge favor to ask.” He sends a begging look to Debby's parents. „I'm asking you... No, I'm begging you, to take care of her until I'm done with the tour.” He says and Missy opens her mouth to speak but Josh stops her. „I know it's a lot and I know that Debby wants her gone as fast as it's possible but I'll be done with the tour in February. I swear to God, I'll fly here the first day after we're done with shows and take her to my place.” Josh says, desperately. „Until then I will fly back as often as possible and I will provide all the financial support, I'll pay for everything she needs so you don't have to spend a single dollar on her.” He looks back at the pregnant girl. „Please, Debby. I don't want any strangers to take her away.”_ _

__She looks at him for a long while. Then, she reaches out and runs her fingers through his hair. She tilts her head to the side._ _

__„Have you even thought how you'll name her?” She asks._ _

__„What?”_ _

__„You need to name her if you want to keep her. You can't exactly leave your daughter nameless.”_ _

__„Wait... Does that mean-” Josh frowns and Debby nods. „Oh, God. Oh, my God.” He pushes forward and gathers her in a hug, planting kisses all over her face. He leaves the last one on her nose and rests their foreheads together. „Thank you.” He breathes out._ _

__„I may not love her and I may not want her but I still love _you_. You're still my best friend and I can see how important is to you. I think... I think it will make me feel better to know that she's with you.” Debby says. „It will be hell but I will try not to go crazy or… or hurt her while she’s here.”_ _

„You won’t hurt her. I know you won’t.” He hugs her tighter but then he jumps up and jerks away from her in confusion. She rolls her eyes and pushes herself up, shifting and sitting more comfortably in the armchair. „What...”

„She's _drumming_ again.” Debby hisses. „You know when you play your solo in _Lane Boy_? That's what it feels like. She's doing it right now. And she's fucking pushing on my bladder and I swear, I'm gonna piss myself in a minute.”

„Can I?” He asks shyly and she nods. He hesitantly puts his hand on top of Debby's belly but she covers his hand with hers and guides it more to the left side. Josh's eyes widen at the sudden movement and he can't stop himself from grinning. „Salutations.” He whispers. „I can't wait to meet you.”

__

__**September 14th** _ _

__„You're too good, Joshua.” Debby sighs when they sit outside in the garden, slowly rocking in the hammock. „Too soft. You should yell at me and hate me for being a bitch, and you... You're saying it's fine and simply agreeing to take her. Are you for real?”_ _

__„Debby, you can't help it. You can't force yourself to be a mother when you don't feel like having a child. It's fine. I'm responsible for this.”_ _

__„Don't put the whole blame on yourself.” Debby says and squeezes his hand. „I'll make sure she has everything she needs before you take her to your place.”_ _

__„You still need to help me come up with the name. I'm clueless when it comes to that.”_ _

__

__**September 16th** _ _

_Isabel._

_Like the character from your favorite book?_

_No. Like the hurricane._

_The hurricane?_

_She may be a tropical storm now but once she's born she will turn into a hurricane._

__

__**September 20th** _ _

__His phone rings and he tries to find it among bed sheets. The bright screen blinds him so he pushes the answer button without trying to figure out who's calling._ _

__„Yeah?” He asks sleepily._ _

__„Debby's gone into labor.” Missy's loud voice echoes on the other side of the line._ _


	4. Chapter 4

Once Josh starts telling his story, he can't stop. It's hard to let the first words out of his mouth but one look at Tyler is enough for him to spill everything. _It's just Tyler. He's my best friend. He has the right to know._ And Tyler is the best _bestfren_ he could ask for. He keeps his promise not to be judgemental and just sits there and listens. He nods sometimes, letting Josh know that he understands everything the drummer says and doesn't rush him. He’s patient and he whispers: _it's okay, take your time_ every time when Josh needs to take a longer break. 

„She was taking the pregnancy really badly.” Josh sighs after another pause. „She was in constant pain, she felt nauseous and kept throwing up almost every day for the first two months. Her doctor explained that it's normal since it was her first pregnancy and stuff. But I think she was already freaking out so bad and hated the idea of becoming a mother so much that she ignored everything they said to her. Her mental health began to crumble at the very beginning and her mood swings were terrible. She had therapy appointments and this whole prenatal yoga thing but it seemed like they didn't work. It was like the maternal instinct didn't kick in at all. Her parents didn't take it lightly and my mother totally lost her shit.” His eyes start to water. Tyler reaches across the table and takes his hand, starting to play with his fingers. Josh appreciates it. It's a small but nice gesture that helps him focus and stops him from falling into a panic attack. „Debby... She barely managed to finish filming her show.” He continues. „The producer kept giving her crap because she couldn't focus on the script. We were alone in this and she had to make it through with me being on the road and having no support from our parents. I had to be there for her as often as I could, that's why I kept disappearing during our tiny breaks. Even if I arrived in LA in the morning and had to take the flight back after a few hours, it always counted. By the seventh month, she kept crying and begging me to make it stop. Izzy was more active, Debby's body kept changing. She was gaining weight and getting stretch marks and it completely ruined her self-esteem. It was like her body was against the idea of letting anything grow inside of it. She started blaming me for not letting her get an abortion although we never even considered that option. Her parents let her stay with them for the last three months of her pregnancy so she wouldn't be chased by paparazzi. They also agreed to help us after the birth until I could finish the tour and get back to LA and take Izzy to my apartment. In the meantime, we established paternity and custody rights and... here I am.”

„So Izzy was this big secret that you kept hiding from me so well and this is why you've been so shifty all the time.” Tyler speaks softly and releases Josh’s hand when the drummer reaches for his water. 

„Yes. I couldn't tell you. I didn't want to tell you, I was terrified of your possible reaction. Not because of Debby, not because my mother demanded to keep it a secret but- Well, okay, at first it was because of that but then, when I decided to keep her, it was because you were so excited about the break and throwing yourself into working on the new album and I wasn't sure if I can do this. I mean, being a parent and a drummer and keeping this whole thing together - having time for the band and for my daughter. And I wasn't wrong to be afraid...” Josh says. „She's... She's a lot. And I can't even imagine dealing with a baby and focusing on the band at the same time. It's too much. That's why I have to give up on something, I need to choose one important thing and I'm _sorry_ but I'm choosing my daughter.” He finishes and shyly looks up at the singer.

Tyler looks like he's been slapped in the face but he quickly recovers and once again, he reaches for Josh's hand when the drummer puts the glass away.

„Josh, look.” He says carefully, playing with Josh's pinky. „I know that this whole thing seems scary and you feel like you're alone in this. But believe me - you're not. You have me and the crew, my parents and... and even Jenna - oh gosh, she loves babies so much - and we all will be more than happy to help you with Izzy.” Tyler smiles reassuringly. „Please, don't make any sudden decisions. You don't have to give up on anything. The band, it can wait. We just finished the tour, we deserve a break. And it's only up to us how long the break will be. You will have as much time as you need for your daughter and we can slowly work on the next record, whenever you feel like it. Don't give up on your dreams, Josh.” The singer smiles. Josh bites his bottom lip and blinks quickly but one traitorous tear makes its way down his cheek. He looks away and wipes it off with his free hand and Tyler links their fingers together. „It will be okay.” He says and Josh wants to argue but decides against it. He would lose this word battle against his friend anyway. „So... What happened next? Are you ready to tell me?”

Josh nods.

„We were somewhere in Europe when she went into labor. In Germany or France... I can't really remember.” Josh closes his eyes and leans back in his chair. „I couldn't go back to the States for the next two weeks and I could only get updates from Missy because Debby went into a full-on postpartum depression mode.” He sighs. „The labor lasted twenty-six hours and there were complications during delivery because yeah, life decided to be cruel until the end. Izzy was facing the wrong direction and got stuck somewhere under Debby's pelvic bone. She was pushing for almost four hours before doctors decided to perform the c-section. What pisses me off is that apparently, they knew from the beginning that Izzy was pretty stuck in there, yet they let Debby keep going. Missy said that she was exhausted to the point where she almost passed out from pain after three hours of pushing. They tried to rotate Izzy manually but it didn't work so they finally decided to do a c-section.” Josh runs his fingers through his hair. He stands up, refills his glass with water and sits back down. Tyler's eyes never leave him. „Debby was so done with everything that she refused to breastfeed or even hold Izzy when they brought her back to her room.” Josh takes a sip of his water and reaches for his phone. „I got the first picture of her three days after the birth.” He scrolls through the gallery and smiles when he finds the right photo. He taps it to make it full-screen and passes the phone to Tyler. 

„Oh wow, she had so much hair from the beginning!” Tyler grins at the picture of the sleeping creature, wrapped in a light green blanket. „So cute! Newborns are usually quite ugly but this one breaks all the stereotypes.” The singer says. „But what else can you expect when the father is probably the most handsome guy on the planet, right?”

Josh blushes crimson and ducks his head, making his best friend chuckle. Taking compliments still doesn't come easily to him. 

„I saw her for the first time when we got back to the States for a break before another leg of the tour.” Josh says, continuing the story. Tyler hands the phone back to him and gives the drummer his whole attention again. „I was so nervous to meet her. I almost pooped my pants when I was standing there, knocking on the door to Debby's parents' house. Meeting your own child for the first time is nerve-wracking. Believe me, it's so much worse than walking out on stage to play for thirty thousand people.”

*

**October 6th**

Josh feels his insides twist when he stands at the front door, with his fist raised in the air, ready to knock. He's holding a big bouquet of flowers in the other hand and tries to swallow the bile in his throat when his knuckles collide with the dark wood. The lock clicks and Debby's mother sticks her head through the door. She visibly relaxes at the sight of the drummer, steps back and lets him in. 

„They're both upstairs. The last time I checked up on them, they were sleeping.” Missy says quietly and Josh starts climbing the stairs. „Josh.” Missy's voice stops him. He turns around and looks at the woman. „She's... She's not doing good. You need to know that she's not okay.” He gives one sharp nod and continues his journey upstairs. 

He takes a deep breath before pushing the bedroom door open. The room hasn't changed since the last time he's been there, the only addiction was now a big wooden crib, located parallel to the bed. He can't see what's inside of it, since the crib is on the other side of the room and the view is blocked by Debby, sleeping on her side on top of the covers with her back facing the door.

He closes the door as quietly as he can and takes a few steps closer. He puts the new flowers in the glass vase next to a few day old sunflowers and finally turns to the crib. His heart jumps into his throat when he looks inside. The tiny creature is easy to spot on, with her dark hair contrasting against the white blankets. Even if she's sleeping, her arms move and her fingers keep curling into fists. She takes a deeper breath every now and then but doesn't wake up. 

He instinctively reaches inside and tries to tuck the blankets more securely around her. He fights the urge to touch her, to prove to himself that she's real. He doesn't want to wake her up or hurt her, she looks too fragile to even be picked up. The warmth fills his chest and his eyes start to water. He doesn't know how long he stands there, just looking at _his daughter_. He snaps out it when his eyes start to burn from not blinking for too long. He rubs his hands over his face and glances at Debby, just to find out that she's awake, still lying in the same position on her side but this time with her eyes wide open and fully focused on him. 

He lets go of the crib when he realizes that he's been gripping the sides so hard that his knuckles turned white.

„Hey.” He whispers and she mouths the greeting back. „I brought you flowers. How are you feeling?”

„Tired.” She says.

„Go back to sleep then.”

„Are you staying?”

He nods, kicks off his shoes and climbs on the bed with her. He offers his arm and she lifts herself up, putting her head on his shoulder. He runs his fingers through her hair and the gesture slowly lulls her back to sleep. 

„I'm sorry you had to go through this. But I'm so proud of you.” He whispers, kissing her temple. „You're so brave. The bravest girl I've ever known. I love you so much. They should give you a medal.”

It's two hours later when he opens his eyes after the squealing sound wakes him up. He doesn't know what's going on until he looks to his left and sees the creature, fidgeting impatiently in the crib. He's not sure what to do but at the same time when Debby opens her eyes, there's a faint knock on the bedroom door and Missy takes one step inside, with a bottle of milk ready in her hand.

„It's time to feed her, baby.” Her mother says and Debby sighs. „You should try to give her your breast.” Missy suggests.

„No.”

„She will get healthier that way.”

„No, mom. No. Do you hear me? No.” Debby says and Josh can tell that she starts panicking.

He reaches for her hand. He knows that breastfeeding is supposed to help create a strong bond between the child and the mother but seeing how badly Debby fights against the idea, he knows it's not gonna happen.

„It's okay. You don't have to do it. No one will make you, okay?” He says, running his thumb over the back of her hand. He looks at Missy and the bottle in her hand. „Can I- Can I do this?”

„Of course.” The woman nods and instructs him to sit at the edge of the mattress. She places a big pillow on his lap and hands him the bottle before reaching inside the crib and picking up the whimpering creature. She carefully places her on the pillow, making sure that Izzy's head rests stably in the crook of his elbow. Josh tenses. „You can't be afraid.” Missy mutters, guiding Josh's hand and gently pushing the rubber nipple of the bottle to Izzy's tiny mouth. „Children can easily recognize your fear. You need to make her feel safe.” 

He breathes out and tries to relax when Izzy starts sucking on the bottle nipple. They both look up when Debby slowly slides off the bed and quietly leaves the room.

„It's all my fault.” Josh sighs, looking at the closed door. „I should have never let it happen.”

„Don't be so harsh on yourself.” Missy says, putting her hand on his shoulder.

„I destroyed her. She looks like a wreck.”

„Every single woman in our family has been blessed with a strong mother's instinct. It's actually unbelievable how we all just threw ourselves in raising kids and taking care of our homes. Debby... She was born in a completely different generation. She doesn't feel the need to be a mother. And that's okay.”

„It's not okay. She's suffering because of that.”

„No, you're right. It's not okay. But we really can't do anything about it, can we?”

„I... I feel guilty.” Josh swallows hard. „Debby has been through hell with pregnancy and now I've made her deal with her unwanted child for another couple of months.” He says, looking down at Izzy. „I can't take her on tour. I can't leave her with my parents, I'm alone in this but I really do want to keep her and you are my last trusted option, my last hope.”

„Josh, everything will be fine.” Missy says, squeezing his shoulder. „John and I will help with everything until you're done with the tour. I'm actually so happy that you decided against putting her up into adoption. I really am. It's a very mature decision and it takes a lot of courage for such a young man like you to do it.” 

„I'm terrified.” He chuckles. 

„I bet you are.”

„Does Debby-” He starts, glancing at the bedroom door. „Does she do anything... I mean- with Izzy? Does she take care of her at all?”

Missy shakes her head.

„She completely rejected her. She touches her only when she really has to.” The woman sighs. „She watches her all the time, stares at her for hours but... nothing else.”

„I'm sorry.”

„Again, it's not your fault. She's starting therapy next week. Let's hope it will help her feel better.”

„Yeah.” Josh says quietly and Izzy lets go of the rubber nipple. „I think she's done.”

„She is.” Missy smiles and stands up. „Okay, now...” She reaches for a clean cloth, puts it on the drummer's shoulder and guides him through the process of burping. „Just lift her up - slowly, support her neck, yes - and hold her against your chest. Her chin should be resting on your shoulder.” She helps him to put her in the right position. „Okay. Support her with one hand and gently pat her back with the other. Just like that, yes. Great job. Now... we wait.”

After a minute, Izzy lets out a long loud burp. Josh's eyes widen at the sound and he can't help but laugh and cry at the same time.

„Oh, pumpkin. You're definitely my daughter.”

*

„After that, I couldn't see them as often as I wanted.” Josh continues, looking at Tyler. „Our schedule got really tight, we went to Australia and New Zealand and flying to LA wasn't that easy anymore. The management was squeezing interviews and photoshoots whenever they could and it was really frustrating.”

„That's why you flipped out on Mark that one time when he gave us the list of interview dates?” Tyler asks.

„Yeah. I know it wasn't even his fault and he had absolutely nothing to do with that because he had no saying in scheduling interviews but I was so angry at this point that I just didn't care whose feeling I'm gonna hurt.” The drummer says. „I had a daughter and her depressed mother to take care of, and the guilt I was feeling was almost unbearable.”

„I understand.” Tyler nods.

„I saw them, maybe- I don't know, four or five more times between my first visit and the day when I got back to the States after the tour was over. Maybe that's why Iz still cries every time she sees me. Maybe I'm just another stranger for her.”

„She's never seen me before and she doesn't cry.”

„I don't know, Tyler. Maybe you have magic hands or maybe I was too sure of myself when I decided that I can handle fatherhood.” Josh hisses but after taking a look at Tyler's face, he speaks in his normal tone again. „Even if Debby didn't take care of her as much as she should, I think her presence was enough for Izzy. When I visited and carried her around the room, with Debby sitting somewhere close to us, she was calm. She never cried.” He sighs. „Debby started her therapy back in October, along with her medication. And this time, it worked. She got so much better during those few months. I think she was tired of being miserable and wanted to get better and I kept encouraging her every single time I talked to her. I would call her and speak to her for hours even if she never said a single word back to me. I always made sure she knew how proud of her I was. She got back to eating healthy again, she was smiling more often and sometimes she would pick up Izzy or change her diaper. There was still not a single drop of love towards Izzy visible behind her eyes but at least she wasn't so scared of touching her. She would talk to her and sometimes she would sing to her quietly.” Josh smiles at the thought. „Debby really wanted to go back to work. Two weeks before I took Izzy in, she started her negotiations with producers. I guess they said yes since she's flying to Sydney on Monday. I'm glad she's not staying in LA. She needs a break from this city.”

„And you don't?”

„I love Los Angeles. Sometimes it's suffocating but when I look at everything in general, I feel like it's my second home.” Josh says. „I still don't know if I should let Izzy grow up in California or Ohio. I feel like there are better perspectives for her here in LA but on the other hand, Columbus would be a great place to raise her. With all the people and memories and... family.” Josh swallows nervously and scratches the back of his neck. „Well, maybe not the entire family but... you know. The Ohio vibe is quite unique. But I think, for now, we will stay here. I plan to turn the bigger of the two guest bedrooms into her own room when I finally get my act together and find the same language with my own kid. I need to put all of her crap in one place, sometimes I still don't remember where I have put some things.” Josh sighs. „You should have seen me at the very beginning. John helped me to move her things to my place and we just dumped everything in the middle of the hallway. For a week I tried to figure out where I should put everything.”

„You know I'm always here to help, right? I'm literally one call away. You need me and I'm taking the first available plane to LA.” The singer promises.

„Thanks, buddy.”

„I'm not your buddy, guy.” Tyler says and they both laugh.

„Right. Well, that's really it. I made a child, I took her in and here I am, failing at fatherhood.”

„Hey. You're not failing at anything.” Tyler says firmly. „You just need a little more time to figure everything out. You said that she's been here for how long, a month? It's understandable. You'll be fine. You're not alone in this anymore, okay? You're not doing this alone.”

„Well, you can't exactly fly to Los Angeles every other week just to help me.”

„Seriously? Watch me.” Tyler leans back in his chair and crosses his arms over his chest. Josh can't help but laugh at the sight. „So, who are you in love with?” Tyler asks, smirking.

„W-what?”

„The thing you said to your mom. You said that you can't be with Debby because you're in love with someone else. Who is she?”

„It's not a- Uhm.” _It's not a girl_. Josh blushes and averts his gaze. He didn’t think this through. „No one. It doesn't matter.”

„Ah, I see. We're back to playing your famous _nothing/no one_ game.” Tyler squints his eyes. „Alright, I won't pry. Give me a hint though.”

„A hint?”

„Yeah, her hair color for example.”

„Brown.” Josh answers truthfully.

„Eyes?”

Josh hesitates but glances at Tyler, looking him straight in the eyes.

„The most beautiful shade of brown I’ve ever seen in my entire life.”

„Oh. my. God.” Tyler's face twists in shock and Josh's heart thunders in his chest. _Oh God, don’t tell me he already figured it out_. „It's that Camila girl, right? It's her! Her last name is Coballo or something like that. You used to hang out.”

„Cabello.” The drummer corrects. „Yeah, yeah...” He nods, exhaling. „It's her. You got it right.”

„I knew it! Well, dang it. She's gorgeous.” Tyler smiles, with a dreamy expression on his face.

„She is.” _He really is_. „She really is.”

„Have you told her?”

„Told her about what?”

„That you're in love with her, dummy!”

Josh laughs painfully and shakes his head.

„No.” _He's taken_. „She's taken.”

„Seriously?”

„Yeah.” _He has a girlfriend_. „She has a boyfriend.” 

„Unrequited love then, huh? That sucks, man.” Tyler sighs but then frowns and looks at Josh again. „Wait. If she's taken and you knew it- Dude, why would you break up with Debby for someone who's taken? Wait, I don't get it, why-”

 _No, no, oh, crap_... Josh starts to panic but seconds later he's saved by a loud crying coming from the bedroom. For the first time ever, Josh is happy to hear Izzy scream her lungs out.

„She woke up.” He states the obvious and gets up from his chair.

„Two and a half hours.” Tyler glances at the clock, the conversation forgotten. „Nice.” He says and literally pushes Josh out of the way to get to the crying creature first.


	5. Chapter 5

Josh wakes up to an empty crib and the sound of rain tapping gently against the window. It's been four days since Tyler’s arrival and Josh couldn't be more grateful for him. He finally gets full nights of sleep (maybe except a couple of tiny breaks when Izzy decides to _call for Tyler_ really loudly and the singer bursts into the room, hushing her from the doorstep, whispering _shh, we need to let your daddy sleep, he really needs it_ ) and the dark circles have almost faded away from under his eyes.

Tyler doesn't mind getting up at night. His insomnia is perfect for night feedings and when he feels tired during the day, he simply naps with Izzy, buried under a blanket in Josh's bed with his hand always reached out, holding one of the wooden bars of the crib. It's the cutest thing ever and Josh would lie if he said that he never took a photo of the pair or sat in the armchair in the corner of the room and simply stared at them, _imagining things_.

Tyler tricks him into taking care of Izzy and successfully figures out how to make her stop being so upset around Josh. _Maybe it's because I'm not afraid_ , Tyler says one time. _Remember what Missy said? You can't be afraid, she can feel your fear_. So Josh tries his best to relax when he dresses or holds her, he tries to stop his hands from shaking when he feeds her. Tyler encourages him every time: _You're doing great, Josh. Don't worry, you won't drop her and she's not gonna break. You tell yourself that you do everything wrong and it leaves you terrified and shaken up. Put some more trust in yourself, man_. 

Josh fails probably two hundred attempts of holding Izzy in his arms before a miracle happens. And he feels like he should thank his jealousy - he's jealous of Tyler and he's jealous of how good the singer is with her, how easily everything comes to him. _Don't be afraid_ , he thinks and decides to take matters in his own hands when Izzy gives her daily crying show while Tyler is showering. 

„I'm not afraid of you and you should not be afraid of me.” He says firmly before picking her up and holding her close to his chest. „Daddy's here.” He tells her when she screams in his ear. „Daddy's here and he loves you very much and won't let anybody hurt you.” 

By the time Tyler bursts into the room, still soaking wet with only a towel wrapped around his hips, Izzy stops crying and watches the world from above Josh's shoulder. She's suddenly very interested in her father's colorful hair and she pulls on it making Josh wince. The drummer only shrugs when he sees the shocked expression on the singer's face, says: _I didn't want to be afraid anymore_ , and goes back to bouncing Izzy in his arms. If Tyler steps back from the room, grinning like crazy and wiping his eyes dry, Josh pretends he doesn't see it. 

 

He rolls out of the bed and gets confused when after opening the bedroom door, the sound of the ukulele reaches his ears. He doesn't bother to put on anything so he marches to the living room wearing only his boxers. The scene is the same as usual: Izzy is lying in her colorful rocker chair and Tyler is sitting on the floor next to her. What's not usual, is that Tyler sits cross-legged on the carpet holding his old ukulele and staring at the screen of his phone, trying to figure out chords to a song that Josh is certain he’s already heard somewhere before.

Tyler looks up and greets him with a small smile but doesn't stop his humming. Izzy is quiet, fascinated with the thing the singer holds in his hand. 

Finally, Tyler runs his fingers across the strings and shifts to make himself more comfortable. Josh knows it's his _I'm-ready_ pose, so he comes closer and sits on the carpet next to his friend and his daughter. He gives Izzy his finger to bring some attention to himself but she immediately brings it up to her mouth without taking her eyes off Tyler and starts to chew and drool on it. She looks a little bit off and the skin around her eyes is reddened but he doesn't question it.

„Eww, gross, Izzy. Stop.” Josh says and gives her one of her rattle toys instead. It doesn't take long before the toy lands in her mouth.

„Yeah, Izzy. We don't know where his hand was before he came here.” The singer chuckles but before Josh can make some clever remark, Tyler starts to play and sing.

_Morning has broken, like the first morning_  
_Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird_  
_Praise for the singing, praise for the morning_  
_Praise for them springing fresh from the word._

Josh smiles because he finally recognizes the song - he recognizes it from the early days when they used to travel in the cramped van. He recognizes it from the time when Tyler would sing it to him after particularly bad nights filled with nightmares and anxiety attacks. 

_Sweet the rain's new fall, sunlit from heaven_  
_Like the first dew fall, on the first grass_  
_Praise for the sweetness of the wet garden_  
_Sprung in completeness where his feet pass._

_Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning_  
_Born of the one light, Eden saw play_  
_Praise with elation, praise every morning_  
_God's re-creation of the new day._

For the next few minutes Tyler only plucks the strings of his tiny guitar, looking at Izzy with a smile that somehow doesn't reach his eyes. 

„I think she had a nightmare.” Tyler mutters eventually, putting the ukulele away. „Is it even possible for infants to have nightmares? She wasn't crying but, I swear to God, she was breathing really weird, like, like she was sobbing in her sleep. She was really restless and she was moving a lot and it reminded me of-” Tyler stops and swallows hard.

„Of me.” Josh finishes for him.

„Yes.” Tyler nods, dropping his gaze to the floor and running his fingers through the long hair of a black shag rug. „I remembered that I used to play you this song and... I don't know. I had this thought that maybe it would make her feel calmer too. I had to look up the chords, I couldn't remember them anymore.”

„Look at her. I think she loved it.”

„I don't know why I stopped.” Tyler says quietly.

„Stopped?” Josh frowns.

„Playing you this song. I would play it all the time and then I just stopped.” The singer hisses like he's angry at himself. „I've stopped comforting you. Why have I stopped?”

„You've never stopped comforting me, what are you talking about? You always help me. I can always count on you.”

„It's not the same. It's not the same.” He shakes his head. „Van days were different. Then we got bigger and we switched to the tour bus and I... I don't know what happened.”

„Nothing happened. Tyler.” Josh puts his hand on Tyler's knee. „We're still the same.”

Josh feels confused. This is not the kind of conversation he was expecting to have at seven in the morning. Tyler looks like something is bugging him and he can't even tell himself what it is. He's angry at himself because of some ridiculous insignificant thing that only Tyler Joseph can get angry about because any other ( _normal_ ) person would probably forget and not even care about it anymore.

Josh scoops closer and embraces Tyler in a side hug, pulling him close to his bare chest. He rests his chin on the top of his best friend’s head.

„Silly.” He says. „Izzy, tell him how silly he is.”

The creature throws her tiny hands in the air and babbles loudly, drooling all over herself in the process. 

„Traitor.” Tyler smiles and sits upright when Josh releases him from his arms. 

„Where did you even find this thing?” Josh asks, pointing at the ukulele. _Rule #1 of making Tyler Joseph forget about his ridiculous freak out: gently change the subject._

„In your storage room. In a big box labeled 'CRAP/TRASH' somewhere among a flat basketball, one of your cracked cymbals, your worn out vans, old Polaroid camera, and an iPhone 3G with a shattered screen.” Tylers says. „There were only two broken strings! Does a ukulele with broken strings looks like a trash to you?”

„I thought you didn't want it anymore!” Josh raises his hands in the gesture of surrender. „Wait. How did you-” He picks up the instrument and inspects the strings. „You replaced the strings!”

„Of course. I tend to fix what's broken instead of throwing away the whole thing.”

„Where did the new strings come from?”

„Your storage room?” Tyler quirks his eyebrow and the small gesture screams the unspoken words: _seriously, you didn't know they were there this whole time?_

„My- What else that belongs to you is in my storage room?”

„Surprisingly, tons of stuff.” The younger man shrugs and tickles Izzy in the heel of her tiny foot. 

She keeps babbling and blowing spit bubbles, shaking a small colorful fish-shaped rattle and hitting it against the plastic side of her rocker to make more noise. Tyler's smile drops again and he rubs his hands over his face.

„What is it?” Josh asks, worried. 

„I have a flight back to Columbus tomorrow.”

„Oh.” Josh's face falls. „I mean, it's... okay.”

„I don't want to leave you.” Tyler sighs. „But I have a few important things to take care of.”

„It's fine, Tyler. We will be alright.” _If I believe it hard enough, maybe it'll come true_ , Josh thinks.

„You know, I'm planning to propose to Jenna at some point during this break.” Tyler mumbles under his breath, almost too quietly for the drummer to understand. But he understands and he can exactly tell the moment when his heart decides to stop beating.

„Oh no.” He gasps, feeling himself panicking. Tyler looks up at him with a questioning frown and Josh knows he screwed up. _A-b-o-r-t_. „I mean... _Oh, no way!_ ” He smiles widely but he realizes how fake the gesture is so he gives up on grinning and scratches the back of his neck. „Wow, Ty. That's... great, man.” He says, avoiding looking Tyler in the eyes.

„I don't know.” The younger man goes back to picking on the carpet hair.

„You... don't know?”

„I'm not sure if I want to do that.” Tyler sighs. „I mean, I love her, I really do. But it's more to please my parents and Jenna, you know? My mom is quite impatient because Zack and Madison are already married and they're younger than me. And Jenna- Well we've been dating for years now and I can see it in her eyes- I can see that when we go somewhere fancy or we're alone and I'm trying to be romantic, she watches me closely and I know that she just waits for me to drop to one knee and pop the question. And I'm not sure if I want to do that?” Tyler looks up at him again, with hope in his eyes and silent plea for the advice. 

Definitely not the type of conversation Josh expected to have so early in the morning.

„What does your mind say?” Josh asks, after a moment of an awkward silence filled only with Izzy's babbling and staring at each other.

„That I should make everyone happy and do what people expect me to do.”

„What does your heart say?”

„That I'm happy with her but I'm not really ready for marriage yet?”

„And what do you always tell me to do?”

„To listen to your heart?”

„Exactly.”

„It's not that simple, Josh.” Tyler shakes his head.

„I know it's not.” The drummer agrees. „Look at her.” He points to Izzy. „She's here because I listened to my heart. And even if it's super hard and most of the time I want to give up and I probably cry more than her, I know that one day I'll look back at everything and say that it was the right decision.”

He smiles, reaching for his daughter who starts to let out more impatient noises. He unbuckles her from her rocker, picks her up and puts close to his chest. He looks down at her, placing a small kiss on her tiny nose. When he looks at Tyler again, the singer sits there with watery eyes and a smile on his face.

„You're so good with her.” Tyler says.

„Yeah. Since, like, yesterday morning when she suddenly decided to stop screaming in my presence.” Josh rolls his eyes. „Anyway... Seriously, you should take your own advice and listen to your heart. Your happiness is the most important thing. If you don't feel ready to marry Jenna, don't do it.” _And I'm not saying this because I'm extremely jealous_. „It's easy to throw yourself into marriage. It's the I-need-a-way-out-of-this part that's pretty hard.”

„I'll think about it.” Tyler agrees quietly.

„You better.”

„Will you drive me to the airport tomorrow?”

„I will.” Josh nods. „But can we skip the part where we walk you to the gates? I don't want-”

„-anyone to see her. Yup. Got it.” Tyler finishes. „It's okay.”

 

He doesn't tell Tyler about Debby's visit - his flight is on Saturday while Debby is coming over on Sunday and the drummer decides that Tyler doesn't need to know about it. Josh is aware of the fact that his best friend has never been fond of the girl even if he has never really let it show. He's also never told Josh what he really thinks about Debby rejecting Izzy - it's like he avoids the subject on purpose, focusing only on Josh's part in the whole story.

Josh drives him to the airport at noon the next day. Izzy falls asleep in her seat in the middle of the ride so they turn the music off and keep their voices down. Josh wants to turn around. He wants to go back home and beg Tyler to stay. Everything seems easier when Tyler is around: Izzy sleeps calmer, the sun shines brighter, food tastes better and Josh's mind is quieter. But he knows that this is his cross to bear so he clenches his jaw, tightens his grip on the steering wheel and drives until he stops the car in the airport’s parking lot.

Josh doesn't want to argue so he answers with a shake of his head and a long moment of silence when Tyler suggests that he should go to Columbus and talk to his family. 

„Your mom doesn't hate you, Josh. She can't hate you. You’re her son. She may be not happy with your decision but she will get over it. Why do you think she has tried to contact you? Maybe she has finally understood her mistake and she wants to make amends with you.”

„Too late for that.”

„Don't say that. Josh Dun does not hate people. Especially not his own mother.” Tyler says and he's right. Josh doesn't hate his mother. He hates the words that fell out of her mouth, he hates her ignorance, he hates how impulsively she reacted and how long she pretended that nothing ever happened. Tyler sighs but seems to understand the stubbornness and doesn't push it. Instead, he puts his hand on top of Josh's that rests loosely on the gear stick and turns his body on the seat so he can fully face the other man. The drummer's eyes travel from his lap to Tyler's face but once he notices the singer's piercing stare, he drops his eyes again. „I don't think you understand-” Tyler starts. „Uhm... I don't think I've ever told you how proud of you I am.”

„Thanks.” Josh whispers.

„No, look.” Tyler shakes his head, folding one leg up under himself and reaches his hand to Josh's shoulder making him look up. „I really am. And I need you to remember that I'm always here for you and I will help as much as I can. We'll get through this, okay? And I'll be back in no time.”

Josh's breath hitches in his throat. Tyler gives him that special kind of look - the look full of love, the look that's meant only for Jenna. His face is so close that Josh can feel the singer's breath on his face and he knows how easy it would be to just lean in and close the gap. He mentally scolds himself and tries to get rid of the sinful image in his head but then Tyler moves and for a moment it looks like he has the same idea. He's the first one to lean in and Josh can't help but freeze and tightly close his eyes. 

It feels like a thousand years before Tyler puts his hands on both sides of Josh’s head and keeps it in place. It feels like _eternity_ before Tyler's lips reach Josh's forehead and a long loving kiss is placed there. Josh lets out a breath he doesn't know he was holding and slowly opens his eyes. One of Tyler's hands is gone but the other travels from Josh's hair to his cheekbone and gently strokes the skin under his eye.

„I gotta go.” Tyler whispers and Josh only nods, not trusting his voice. 

He watches the singer as he climbs out of the car and takes his suitcase out of the trunk, closing the lid as quietly as he can, trying not to wake Izzy. He takes a long look at the creature, waves to Josh one more time and disappears behind the automatic door.

Josh's breathing quickens and he notices how badly his hands are shaking. _I'm so screwed_ , he thinks and supports his weight on the steering wheel. He doesn't trust himself with driving in this state, so he stays in the parking lot for another half an hour before he takes a deep breath and starts the engine. _I'm in love with my best friend and I'm so very screwed._

 

He doesn't want to wake Izzy so he drives around the neighborhood for a while until she starts to open her eyes. He takes her home, feeds her and plays with her on the floor. She doesn't seem to notice Tyler's absence and even if she does, she doesn't let it show. She doesn't cry (except a couple of times when she gets frustrated after a toy falls out of her grip) and she laughs like mad when Josh starts blowing raspberries on her belly.

He slightly panics when she becomes impatient and he runs out of ideas how to keep her occupied. 

„Okay, okay. Let's sit. Let's see your toys from this perspective.” Josh says, slowly pulling her into a sitting position. 

He supports her arms to help her balance and then releases his hold on her but still keeps his hands close enough to easily catch her in case she tumbles. Izzy seems to be intrigued with the new position, she holds her head up straight and balances a little for a few shaky seconds. She's wobbly and she falls to her side after trying to reach for her rabbit. Josh laughs and helps her sit up again. They try again a few more times, working on her balance. 

When his phone dings, he makes her sit on top of his crossed legs where her back is safely supported by his chest and reaches for his iPhone. He's not surprised to see a text from Tyler.

_Back in Ohio. You both good?_

Josh doesn't type any words. He simply switches the camera to the selfie mode and extends his arm. Izzy seems to be surprised by seeing herself on the screen and immediately tries to reach for the phone, babbling and laughing. Josh snaps a picture and it seems to catch the perfect moment of the two of them smiling widely. The drummer sends it to Tyler and the answer comes after a few seconds.

_Thanks for the new background._

If Josh's cheeks burn, he blames it on the warmth of his flat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is [_Morning Has Broken_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZAsfB1Np-8) by Cat Stevens.


	6. Chapter 6

Sunday starts lazily and even rainier. When the morning comes and Josh opens his eyes, he's surprised to see Izzy fully awake but completely silent, lying on her back and kicking her feet every now and then. He looks at the digital clock on the bedside table and is even more surprised to find out that it's 8:30 in the morning, dark heavy clouds and rain making it look like five.

He yawns, props himself up on his elbow and looks down at his daughter. 

„Aren't you hungry?” He mumbles and the creature's eyes flicker in the direction of the sound of his voice. „You were supposed to eat, like, two hours ago.”

She throws her tiny arms in the air and finally starts babbling loudly like she knew she was supposed to wait until he wakes up. Josh falls back against the pillows and rubs his hands over his face. 

„Maybe we should skip breakfast and just go back to sleep?”

Izzy lets out a cry-like sound and her movements become more impatient. She rolls onto her stomach and clumsily tries to reach for the pacifier that fell out of her mouth.

„I'll take it as a no.” Josh sighs and rolls off the bed. „Come on then. Up you go.” He reaches inside the crib but stops in the middle of bending down and makes a face. „What's that smell, huh? You have a surprise for me down there?” He grabs the creature under the armpits to lift her up and holding her slightly above his head, he sniffs her diaper. „Of course you do. What's the better start of the day than dealing with your poop, right?”

He changes her diaper and dresses her in a short-sleeved pink bodysuit, and not bothering with dressing or freshening up himself he carries her out of the bedroom. He supports her on his shoulder with one arm, grabs her rocker with the other and drags it from the living room to the kitchen. He buckles her up and starts preparing breakfast for both of them.

„Dirt water for me and - oh, _so delicious_ \- baby formula for you.” Josh says, flicking the electric kettle on. „You know, we're having a guest today.” He crouches down in front of her. „A very important guest. Kinda a-big-deal guest. So just be your cute self and be good. No crying unless you're bleeding or badly hurt, got it? We will make her love you, you'll see.”

 

At two in the afternoon, there's a knock on the door and Josh's heart skips a beat. He opens the door to reveal Debby, standing on his doormat with a big red umbrella in her hand. He grins and lets her in, immediately pulling her into a hug once she steps inside. She laughs and embraces him briefly, trying to keep the wet umbrella as far away from them as she can.

„It's so good to see you.” Josh mumbles against her shoulder.

„Yeah, yeah... It's good to see you too but I'm kinda making a mess so if you could just...”

„Oh.” He says, pulling away, and takes the umbrella. „I'll put it in the bathtub to dry off.” 

When he comes back, her coat is already hanging on the hook and she's in the process of removing her wellies. Josh takes a long look at her and smiles. Half of a year after birth, there's no sign of a few more pounds Debby gained during pregnancy. She's back in shape and looks stunning as always, wearing a black casual dress. Her hair is now the lighter shade of blonde and her eyes are full of life. 

„You look so good.” Josh compliments.

„I feel good.” Debby says.

„Well, come on in. Would you like anything to drink? Water, coffee, tea, apple juice?”

„Water is fine, thanks.”

They enter the living room and Debby looks around, scanning every corner and staring at every item that reveals the presence of a baby in the flat, especially all the bright colorful toys contrasting with the simplicity of the flat and monochromatic interiors.

„It's kind of, like, the playroom now, so... sorry about the mess. I’ve never really had time to prepare her own room but I'm getting there. I have some cool ideas.” Josh says, scratching the back of his neck. „Well, I'll be back with your water in a minute.”

„Where is she?” Debby asks when Josh steps into the room again and hands her the glass.

„She's napping. Well, she's been napping for the last hour and a half so I guess she will be waking up soon.”

It feels awkward. The conversation is awkward and they're both acting like teenagers on their first date. There is a noticeable tension in the air and a big parenting-related elephant in the room. Debby looks nervous all of sudden like she only just realized that she doesn't really want to be here. 

„Josh-”

„Debby-”

„Uhm-”

„Sorry-”

„Sorry-”

„You go first-”

„No, it's okay-”

„No, really, I-” Josh stops, takes a deep breath and chuckles. „Wow. Of all the awkward moment between us? This was the best one.”

Debby hides her smile behind the glass.

„Have you told anyone?” She asks and sits more comfortably on the couch.

„No. Only Tyler found out.”

„ _Found out_?” Debby raises her eyebrow.

„Yeah, he basically came over without any warning and used his key to let himself in. I was too tired to come up with some believable story.” The drummer sighs. „He left yesterday. But, uhm, he made me realize that I shouldn't be ashamed of Izzy. I mean, I've never been ashamed of her! It's just that he made me realize that I shouldn't hide or let people's negative opinions get to me. He made us go outside and we went shopping together and he's so good with her, like, you wouldn't believe that Tyler can be a natural when it comes to babies. They're quite a pair. Izzy adores him and I caught him once calling her his princess, and his eyes light up when he plays with her and he-” He looks up to see an amused expression on Debby's face. „What?”

„You're so in love with him.” She says, putting her glass down on the coffee table. Josh blushes and hangs his head. „At first, I didn't get it, you know? But when I'm looking at you now, I'm really proud of you. That you didn't lie to yourself. And to me.” She covers his hand with hers and intertwines their fingers together. „I hope someday someone will love me as much as you love him.”

„Loving him hurts, Debs. Loving him is the biggest torture a man can experience.” 

„Why is that?”

„One: he's straight. Two: he's my best friend and I don't want to lose my best friend because of my stupid crush. Three: he has a girlfriend. Four: he's planning to propose to Jenna.”

„Really?” Debby's eyes widen.

„Yeah.” Josh nods. „He said he’s not entirely sure about marrying her but I know him, I know he will do it.”

„Shit.” She sighs and shuffles closer to him. He rests his head on her shoulder and pushes his nose in the crook of her neck. „I'm sorry.” Debby says and runs her fingers through his hair. „That honestly sucks. But hey, don't worry, there is plenty of other fish in the sea. I'm sure you will find someone right for you.”

„Yeah, sure. Like, who would want to date a guy with a kid.” He snorts. He feels Debby tensing against his side so he quickly looks up at her with panic in his eyes. „No, Debby, I didn't mean it like that. Gosh, I don't blame you, I would never dare to blame you. It just sounded really bad. It's not your fault. This was my choice, okay? Nothing of this is your fault.”

Her eyes start to water and she drops her gaze to the floor. She wipes her nose with the back of her hand and nods.

„I'm so sorry.” Debby whispers. „I'm sorry that I'm not like other girls. I'm sorry I've put you through so much crap and I'm sorry I can't be the kind of mother Izzy deserves to have.” She says nervously. It's Josh's turn to embrace her and kiss the top of her head. „I gave birth to her, I carried her in my body for nine months and she still seemed like such a stranger to me. One time I was watching my mom giving her a bath and I thought: _I don't even know who she is_. She was just a baby, just a creature that suddenly appeared in the house. I felt _nothing_. Nothing. I've never felt like she was my daughter, I was watching her and it looked like my mother got herself a babysitting job.” She starts playing with the hem of her dress. „When I started the therapy, they confirmed I had PPD. My therapist comforted me with the assurance that it wouldn't last forever, that it was perfectly normal for women to have this experience after birth, that slowly my _fog_ , as she liked to call it, should begin to lift. But it didn't, Josh.” Debby blinks and tears make their way down her cheeks. „It didn't. I’ve started a diet, I’ve started exercising again... I felt better mentally and my medicine helped to kick off depression but it didn't bring back any feelings towards my own child. I wanted her gone, _gone_ , _gone_. And after you took her away I felt like I could finally breathe, like I was free, like I stopped being watched. I need you to know that I am sorry. I am so sorry.” She wipes the wetness off her cheeks. „I'm flying to Australia tomorrow but I wanted to see you. And her. I don't know why. I feel like I owe you that. I don't know what I can possibly do to make it right.”

„Shh.” Josh pulls her closer and blinks away his own tears. „We're fine. We're good. She's with me now, she's safe and she's loved. You can visit her as much as you want, you can get to know her all over again, Debby, it's fine. If you feel like you want to slowly warm up to her, brilliant. One step at the time. She will be here, I will be here and you can see us as much as you want, alright? I won't make you love her. That would be unfair. But... it would be nice to have you close. I think she would like it. Even if her mom can't be with her on a daily basis, I think she would love to feel your presence every now and then. I won't make you love her but please, please Debby, don't be a stranger.”

Debby nods against his chest and they both cry silently, letting out their fears and frustrations. It's the first time he truly cries in front of her but he doesn't care anymore. She's the mother of his child. The least he can do is to be honest with her. 

„So... Australia, huh?” Josh says to break the tension. 

„Yeah.” Debby confirms, pulling away from him. „I'm really excited. A big production, a full-length movie, kinda... adult themed. Something completely different to Disney.”

„Look at you. You're all grown up now.”

„Well, I don't want people to remember me as Jesse until the end of my days.” She smiles but then frowns and looks in the direction of the hallway. „Did you hear that?”

„I did.” Josh laughs. „That would be the creature.”

„You still call her that.”

„It suits her.” He winks and gets up from the couch. 

 

When he goes back to the living room ten minutes later with Izzy in his arms, Debby sits on the couch with her legs folded underneath her, nervously clenching her fists. Josh knows it's something she does when she's nervous and his heart stings. He comes closer and sits down, supporting the creature on his knees. She has her back pressed against Josh’s chest and she faces Debby. Both ladies stare at each other for a long moment. 

„Look, cupcake.” Josh says, pointing to Debby. „Who's this, huh? Who's this? This is your mommy!”

„Please, don't.” Debby says quietly and nibbles on her bottom lip. „Please, I'm sorry, just-”

„Okay. It's okay. I'm sorry.” Josh nods. „Do you want to hold her?”

„N-no. No. Better not.”

Debby reaches out and hesitantly touches Izzy's arm, stroking the back of her tiny hand with her thumb. The creature seems intrigued by the woman in front of her and she looks at their joined hands. As quickly as it starts, the magic is gone seconds later. Izzy wails loudly and Debby immediately retreats her hand, shuffling away from them. 

„Hey, now.” Josh hushes _their_ daughter, changing her position and placing her on his chest. _Oh, how the tables have turned_. He pushes a pacifier into her mouth and kisses her head, simultaneously stroking her back and neck. „It's okay. This is just Debby, you know Debby. Debby is super-cool. There's no need to be afraid of her.”

„She doesn't like me.” Debby states.

„Don't worry, she didn't like me either. Sometimes I feel like she still doesn't. She only likes Tyler. Like, truly likes him.” Josh sighs. 

„Oh, wait. I forgot!” Debby says suddenly, getting up and running to the hallway. She comes back with a small colorful book. „Here. A little gift for you.”

„Oh, nice! Thank you! Izzy, look at this!” Josh grins and makes Izzy sit on his lap again. Debby hands her the book and the creature grabs it and gives it a curious look. „ _Pat the Bunny_! Do you wanna pat the bunny, baby?” He asks and opens the first page. He starts to read. „ _Here are Paul and Judy. They can do lots of things. You can do lots of things too! Judy can pat the bunny. Now YOU pat the bunny!_ Come on, Iz. Let's pat the bunny.” He says and guides her hand to the bunny's fur. He helps her run her fingers through the soft material and she seems to like it because two seconds later she starts hitting the page with her open palm. „Oh, that's what I call a good pat. Great job. Yup, _oh_ , oh, you're definitely going for it. I bet the bunny loves it.” He kisses the back of her head and looks up at Debby. „I'm sure this is exactly how the animal abuse starts.”

Debby laughs and visibly relaxes. She sits close to them now and takes a better look at the book, listening to Josh's reading and Izzy's excited _ga-ga_ 's and _ba-ba_ 's muffled by her pacifier. They continue exploring the pages and they all play peek-a-boo with Paul, smell the flowers, look in the mirror, feel Daddy's scratchy face (the real daddy's face too, since Josh hasn't shaved for two days), read Judy's tiny book and try to put their fingers through Mommy's ring. If someone took a picture of them at this exact moment, it would look like a great portrait of a properly-functioning, loving family of three. They end up sitting close to each other, with Debby's head on Josh's shoulder and Izzy squeezed on the couch between them, _petting_ the bunny in the book to _death_.

They look each other in the eyes for a long moment until Josh leans in and kisses Debby's temple.

„Love you.” He says quietly.

„Love you too.” Debby replies and kisses his cheek, leaving almost unnoticeable pinkish lipstick mark under his cheekbone. She wipes it off with her thumb. „You should tell him.” She says suddenly.

„What?” 

„Tyler. You should tell him.”

„No freaking way.” Josh shakes his head.

„You were brave enough to tell me. Find the courage to tell him.” Debby says, running her fingers over his colorful sleeve. „If you can't say it to his face, send him a message. Or a letter.”

„And what could I possibly say? _Hey Tyler. I've had a crush on you for the last God knows how long, if you could just get rid of Jenna and love me back, that would be really cool. Thanks. Please, rsvp_. I'm not trying to make you a full-time mother, please don't make me try to ruin the friendship with the only person that keeps me alive.” He says but almost immediately a pang of guilt hits him in the gut and he ducks his head, avoiding Debby's eyes. „Gosh, I'm sorry. That was harsh. Don't listen to me, I'm just being a dick today.”

„No, you're right.” Debby says softly. „I don't know why I'm pressuring you. It's just... You're both like an old married couple already. And you said Tyler is good with Izzy.” She hesitates. „I love Jenna, I really do. She used to be one of my best friends back in the days but... Uh. I don't know. If Tyler is questioning marrying her after three years of being together, something must be up. You deserve happiness, Josh. And Tyler, even if he has never liked me, he deserves happiness too. I wish him well. And I think you would be brilliant together.”

„How do you know he doesn't like you?”

„Uhm.” She swallows nervously like Josh just caught her saying something she wasn't supposed to. „I mean, well. I just know he doesn't. It’s quite obvious.”

„Debby.” Josh says in a warning tone.

„We've had a... conversation. Once. A few days after me and you got together.”

„A conversation? What kind of conversation?”

„The, uhm... _I'm-an-overprotective-father-and-if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-I-will-find-you-and-kill-you_ kind of conversation."

„What?!” Josh asks loudly and his voice cracks in the middle of the word, making Izzy look up from her book and reach her tiny hand towards his chin. He leans down and plants a kiss on her open palm but when the creature focuses on _murdering_ the bunny again, he nods for Debby to continue.

„He warned me not to hurt you.” She smiles. „And look at me... I've hurt you a hella lot. If he didn't _like_ me before, he definitely _hates_ my guts now. See? He cares about you. He loves you.”

Josh opens his mouth in shock.

„I- I didn't know about this.”

„Of course. You weren't supposed to know. It was supposed to stay between me and Tyler.”

„I can't believe him. How could he-”

„No.” Debby stops him. „It's absolutely fine. It was ages ago. And I don't blame him, you know? I've never had a stable relationship with anyone before you and the way I ended things with my last boyfriend wasn't pretty. Tyler knew about it. He just wanted to protect you.” She smiles briefly. „I loved you so much from the day one and you were so good to me that I made a promise to him. We even shook hands on it.”

„Unbelievable.” _Tyler threatened Debby. What the hell._ Josh rubs his hands over his face and takes a deep breath.

He remembers Tyler leading him aside and muttering: _I'm happy for you but please, be careful. I don't want you to get hurt_ , after Josh officially introduced Debby as his girlfriend. The singer, asked what he meant, only patted Josh's shoulder and pretended like their tiny conversation has never happened. 

He remembers Tyler answering a question during one of their interviews. _Do we ever argue? Well, I guess. Sometimes we don't agree on certain people._ Tyler said. _I have a big problem with putting trust in people while Josh always thinks the best of everyone. He always wants to give everyone a chance and fights for them, basically until they prove they're not a good person. That's our biggest issue, I guess. Arguing about trusting people._

 _Did he mean Debby?_ Looking back, Josh realizes that Tyler used to give him many hints about not liking or trusting Debby and the drummer has never realized it. Until now. Everything seems so clear now.

„Josh. Josh!” Debby snaps her fingers in front of his face. He blinks and looks at her with a frown. „Don't overthink it.”

 _Too late_. The thoughts in his mind go at full speed and he doesn't know what to focus on: Debby's hand caressing his arm, his daughter drooling on the couch and her new book, the fact that Tyler gave Debby _the talk_ or on that strange, yet familiar tightening in the center of his chest. _This is too much. Too many things happen at once._

Debby tries to calm him down as much as she can, distract him from freaking out and she stays over until the late evening, just to make sure he won't work himself up into a bad panic attack. He pretends to be okay and acts like he already forgot about their conversation but once she leaves, he baths Izzy and puts her to sleep, and instead of getting rest, he goes back to the kitchen and pulls a can of Red Bull from the fridge. He knows he won't get any sleep tonight. 

The bad side of him wants to be angry at the singer for being so intrusive and controlling, and making Josh's relationship with Debby his own business. He wants to call the singer and yell the worst names at him. The other, softer side, wants to make him lay on the floor and sob his heart out because it only proves how much Tyler _cares_. He cares to the point where he felt like he needed to research Debby and give her a warning because he didn't want her to hurt Josh. Was it Tyler's jealousy or just him being a good friend - Josh doesn't know.

But he knows one thing: if he was simply _in love_ before, he can't find the right words to describe what he's feeling right now and it _hurts_. It hurts because Tyler has Jenna, Tyler treats him like a _brother_ and Josh's hopes and dreams will never come true.

 _I'm such a loser_. He thinks, drinking his ice-cold Red Bull. _I'm such a hopeless case._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, [marsakat](http://archiveofourown.org/users/marsakat/pseuds/marsakat) for featuring _Sweet Creature_ on your rec list on Tumblr. I'm honoured!


	7. Chapter 7

Josh is crying. Izzy is crying. They're both crying as Josh rocks the creature in his arms and tries to calm her down. He's scared and he doesn't even try to hide it from her. He presses his lips to her warm forehead, still not knowing if the warmth is caused by the raised temperature or getting too worked up by her own tantrum.

It's the second day and Josh is slowly losing his mind. The thermometer stubbornly shows 100.2 degrees Fahrenheit and every baby-related site he managed to read said: _if the temperature is not higher than 100.4 degrees, there's no need to panic._

 _No need to panic my ass_ , Josh thinks and kisses Izzy's flushed cheek. He tries to remind himself that the fever is actually a good sign and that her immune system is working properly but the anxiety is stronger when he rocks her tiny body that keeps radiating heat.

She finally exhausts herself and stops fighting, and rests her head on her father's shoulder. Her little body trembles with tiny sobs and her eyelids start to droop but Josh doesn't dare to put her back in the crib. For the last few hours she has demanded to be held constantly, so he just lowers himself down onto the couch and lets her sleep on his chest. He comes to the conclusion that it's better this way - at least he's sure that she's _still breathing_ \- because he's paranoid like that.

The joke is over when he checks her temperature and the thermometer shows 100.4 degrees at midnight and 101 degrees an hour later. She's covered in sweat and keeps moving restlessly, and Josh can't stand it anymore. He presses his phone to his ear and waits but after a few signals, the call goes straight to the voicemail. He tries a few more times without any positive outcome. For a minute he’s considering calling Tyler but then he realizes that his best friend won't be really useful being on the other side of the country in the middle of the night.

 _Goddamnit_ , he whispers angrily through his gritted teeth and tosses his phone aside.

„I'm sorry, baby. I know you want to sleep but we have to go.” He picks her up and carries her to the bathroom where he runs a cool sponge over her body, dries her off and dresses her in fresh clothes.

The bright light annoys her and her father's nervous movements don't make anything better. Josh places her in the seat, puts on a pair of skinny jeans and a t-shirt, grabs all the necessary things and bolts out of the door. He drives to the nearest hospital, hides his hair under his grey beanie and runs to the emergency unit with Izzy sleeping in her carrier. He enters the reception area and walks straight to the middle-aged woman behind the desk, throwing his ID on the counter. 

„My daughter has a fever.” He says, trying to catch his breath. A little over a month without running or drumming and he's already out of shape. 

The woman slides her glasses down until they balance at the tip of her nose and looks up at him with a bored expression on her face. 

„This is not the emergency case Mr...” She picks up his ID and reads his name. „...Dun. You should consult this with her pediatrician first.”

Josh feels the wave of anger flooding his chest. He clenches his fists and looks around the waiting room, biting his bottom lip and working hard on staying calm. For the first time since stepping into the hospital, he notices how crowded the waiting room is. There are people doubled over, moaning in pain. Some of them are sleeping in plastic, uncomfortable chairs with their heads tipped back against the wall or loosely lolled forward. A few crying infants, a pale as a sheet toddler being carried around the room in his father's arms, dozing off on his shoulder. A young guy with a bloodied face and a black eye, pressing a cloth against his - probably broken - nose.

All those wheezing, sneezing, moaning, coughing and other weird sounds make him cringe and he wants to get out of there faster than he came in but then he looks down at his daughter and her flushed face and he remembers why he came here in the first place.

„Look.” He says to the woman and leans over the counter, making sure she's listening to him. „It's two in the morning and my daughter is only six months old. She's burning up and breathing weirdly. I'm a single father with no one to count on, I've tried to call her pediatrician at least five times already but the clinic is not picking up their phone even if their services are supposed to consult patients at every hour of the day and night in case of emergency. I'm stressed out to the point where I had to talk myself out of a panic attack just a few hours ago. We both have an insurance and I have the right to be here. I demand someone to see my daughter even if it's only to find out that I should give her a spoon of Tylenol and go back home.”

He’s surprised by his own outburst but he doesn’t let it show. The woman looks at him and sighs, shaking her head. Nonetheless, she takes his ID and types something on the keyboard of her computer. She gives him a few forms to fill and gestures in the line direction. 

„You have to wait for your turn. The doctor will attend to you as quickly as it's possible.”

„Thank you.” He says coldly and moves to the end of the line. 

There are no chairs available (the only two unoccupied are next to a man with a lung-wrenching cough and Josh is sure that there's no way in hell he's gonna sit next to him), so he slides down to the floor and presses his back against the cold wall. He places Izzy's carrier next to him and makes it rock gently, letting her sleep. The waiting room is noisy but she doesn't seem to be bothered by it, exhausted by fever and long crying sessions. 

Forty-seven minutes and two hypnic jerks later, his name is being called and he finally enters the examination room. Izzy opens her eyes and flexes her limbs, annoyed by bright lights again.

They're greeted by a young woman ( _early-thirties_ , Josh guesses) with strong Chinese features - Dr. Liu, her badge says. She looks at him like she knows who he is but even if she does, she decides not to comment on it. She doesn't waste any time and after instructing Josh to put Izzy on the examination table and take her clothes off, she approaches the creature and gets to work.

„So, what's going on?” She asks, putting blue latex gloves on and carefully touching the infant that's too shocked and too sleepy to even start crying. Izzy starts to let out impatient sounds only when the cold head of the stethoscope touches her chest. 

„Uh...” Josh swallows nervously and scratches the back of his neck. „She's been really restless for two or three days now but the fever appeared yesterday morning. It was less than 100 degrees so I waited. It got to 100.4 at midnight and 101 degrees about an hour ago. She's really moody and cranky and cries a lot like she's in pain.”

„Have you noticed the loss of appetite?” She asks.

„Yes, she never finishes her bottle anymore.”

„Vomiting? Diarrhea?”

„No. At least not yet.”

„Okay.” She helps Izzy to roll onto her stomach and puts the stethoscope against her back. „How old is she again?”

„Turned six months one week ago.”

Dr. Liu nods and turns Izzy onto her back again. She checks her eyes and ears and tries to take a look inside her mouth which causes the creature to wail angrily. 

„She's not the first one here with symptoms like these.” The woman says quietly, trying not to startle Izzy even more. „We've had a whole bunch of feverish infants in the last couple of days. It's just a virus. There's no need to panic.”

„She's been breathing really weird. I was afraid she would suffocate.” Josh says.

„She has a stuffy nose. It makes her take deeper breaths through her mouth.”

„So... It's nothing life-threatening?”

„No. She battling an annoying virus and she's teething. Putting these two together equals in her feeling uncomfortable.”

„She's teething.” The drummer repeats dumbly and raises his eyebrows.

„Yes?” Dr. Liu looks up at him questioningly but noticing an uncertain expression on his face, she gestures for him to come closer. „Look.” She pushes her little finger into Izzy's mouth to reveal her gums. „This white dot here-” She points to the front of the bottom gum. „-is her first tooth, ready to break through.”

„Oh God.” He lets out a breath and rubs his hands over his face, pressing the tips of his fingers against his eyelids.

„The best way to calm her down is to put pressure on her gums.” Dr. Liu continues. „You can massage them with a clean finger or give her a rubber teething ring to chew on.”

„She's been chewing at everything for a while now.”

„That should have been the main clue for you that she's about to have her first tooth.” She takes the gloves off and throws them into the trash can. „You can dress her.” She says, stepping away. „Cool objects also work really well. You can put the toy in the fridge until it's cool and give it to her. And when the teeth comes out, you should start using a soft toothbrush to clean it at least twice a day. Oral hygiene is really important when it comes to infants. It prevents a lot of dental problems in the future.” The woman scribbles something down on a piece of paper. „Have you tried to introduce her to solid foods yet?”

„Uhm. No?”

„You can start now. She's old enough.”

„Oh.”

„I don't have her full medical chart here since you don't belong to our clinic but has she had her six months old check up yet?”

„No, not yet. There was a lot of going on and... and I couldn't- I-” Josh sighs and lowers his head. „I forgot.”

„It's okay. Just make sure to see your pediatrician once she's done with the infection and the fever is gone. She should get her vaccines during the checkup. She's also old enough now for a flu shot. It’s a pretty important one because flu is quite dangerous for infants.”

Josh nods and puts Izzy into her carrier. He gives her the pacifier and covers her with a blanket. She fists the soft material and closes her eyes.

„So what should I do now?” He asks, looking at the woman.

„Let her sleep as much as she wants and keep her hydrated. Stick to giving her breast milk or formula every few hours. It's okay to give her a sip of water but _only_ if diarrhea or vomiting appears. Don't overdo it or you might give her a tummy ache.” She warns. „For now, there's everything she needs in the milk. Keep checking her temperature and if it rises over 103 degrees, you're allowed to give her Tylenol. I wrote down the right dosage for you. There's nothing more we can do. You have to wait it out.” She hands him a piece of paper and stands up behind her desk. „Well, good luck. And don't worry too much.”

„Yeah. I will try. Thank you.” He says and picks up Izzy's carrier. He's about to push the door open but Dr. Liu's voice stops him.

„Congratulations on the San Diego show, by the way.”

Josh freezes with his hand hovering above the doorknob. He takes a deep breath and looks at her over his shoulder. 

„Oh. Uhm... Thanks.” He says quietly. „Is there any chance that you won't tell anyone about seeing me here?”

„I'm a doctor. I can't give away any information about my patients just like that.” She smiles. 

Josh breaths out.

„Thank you.”

 

They make it back home a few minutes after four in the morning. After stepping inside his flat the adrenaline finally leaves the drummer’s body and he slumps against the hallway wall, breathing deeply. 

Izzy wakes up with a loud whine so he feeds her and puts her into the crib. She fights with him, not wanting to lay there on her own but finally gives up and dozes off again. Josh doesn't have any strength to take his clothes off so he throws himself face-first on the bed and immediately falls asleep on top of the covers.

 

A distant ringing sound wakes him up. He lifts his head and looks around the room to see Izzy sleeping on her stomach with her mouth open, pacifier lost somewhere under the pink plush blanket. Seven-thirty in the morning flashes on the digital clock on the bedside table and Josh's phone continues ringing (somewhere far, probably in the living room) but he ignores it, hides his head under the pillow and goes back to sleep.

He has no other choice but to get up when one hour later Izzy wakes him up with her loud screaming. He checks her temperature (still around 101 degrees) and tries to feed her but she takes only a few sips of milk and pushes the bottle away. He ends up carrying her around the flat pressed to his chest - she seems much calmer that way - and taking her with him everywhere he goes. 

„I have to pee with you lying on my shoulder, Izzy. That's slightly embarrassing.” Josh says to her when they enter the bathroom. 

He takes the skill of making sandwiches one-handed to the professional level, eats them while walking around the kitchen, still bouncing Izzy (and almost choking twice) and finally settles on the sofa in the living room. He grabs his phone and finds two missed calls from Tyler. He calls back.

„Finally!” Tyler shouts in his ear once he picks up. „Where have you been?”

„Uhm. I was sleeping?”

„At seven in the morning? You're usually awake since six.”

„Yeah, well, we had a pretty rough night.” He says, running his hand over Izzy's back.

„Aww, I bet that's because she misses me.”

„If missing you is gonna end up with the late night trips to the ER every time, you better freaking move to LA this instant.” Josh mumbles and closes his eyes. 

„Wait, what?” Tyler asks, alerted. There is a rustling sound on the other side of the line but then, everything goes quiet. „What do you mean, a trip to the ER?”

„I mean, I freaked out and took Izzy to the hospital because she had a high temperature.”

„Oh my God, how is she?”

„She’s sick. And she's teething.”

„Oh God.”

„Mhm. That's what I said.”

„Why didn't you call me!?” Tyler yells suddenly.

„And exactly in what way would you be helpful, huh?” Josh asks, yawning. 

„Uhm. Well, I could talk to you to calm you down? You were probably panicking pretty bad.”

Josh sighs.

„I was. I wanted to call you. But it was the middle of the night and I didn't want to worry you.”

„Josh, I told you, you can-”

„ _-call me any hour of the night or day_. I know. I still didn't want to worry you.”

„I'm sorry you have to deal with this alone.” Tyler says quietly.

„It's fine.”

„It's not fine, it's-” Tyler starts angrily but he stops himself and just breathes. „Nevermind. How is she now?”

„Clingy. She still has temperature and she wants to be held all the time. She's currently drooling all over my shoulder and trying to rip my hair out.” Josh winces. „I think it's her idea of a payback for dragging her to the hospital in the middle of the night and screwing up her sleeping schedule.”

„Tell her that uncle Tyler loves her and is gonna visit soon.”

„I'll tell her.” The drummer smiles.

„Josh.”

„Yeah?”

„I really don't want you to deal with this alone.” Tyler says in the small voice.

„We've talked about this, Tyler. It's fine. I'm fine. I'm slowly getting a grip on everything.”

„Okay.” The younger man says, after a long pause. „If anything happens, call me.”

„Yeah.”

„Promise me.” The singer insists.

„I promise.”

There's a bang on the other side of the line and Jenna's loud voice: _we have to leave now if we don't want to be late._

„Okay.” Tyler says quietly and Josh knows he addresses his girlfriend. „I'll be downstairs in a minute.”

„Say hi to Josh!” Jenna shouts.

„Say hi to Jenna.” The drummer says, giggling.

„I gotta go. We're off to eat lunch with Jenna's parents. And we're taking a little vacation later this week.”

„Really? Where are you guys going?”

„Maui.”

_Oh._

„Sounds fun.” Josh swallows hard. „Is this because you're gonna... you know?”

„What?”

„Pop the question?”

„ _What_?” Tyler asks but then gasps and immediately lowers his voice. „Oh! No. No... Uhm. Not yet. I don't know. I'm still thinking about it. The trip is just to relax. Nothing... more. I'll decide when we get back.”

„Alright then. Well... Have fun, guys.”

„Thanks.” Tyler replies. „Uhm, Josh?”

„Yes?”

„I just wanted to say-” _Tyler! We're gonna be late!_ Jenna yells, sounding annoyed. Tyler lets out a long sigh. „Look, I really have to go.”

„That's fine.” Josh nods to himself. „Bye, Tyler.”

„I'll talk to you later, Josh.”

The line goes dead.


	8. Chapter 8

„Joshua William Dun. I hope you have a damn good explanation ready for me.” Ashley's voice thunders on the other side of the line. 

„Oh. Hello to you too, little sister.” Josh says, rummaging around in the kitchen and pressing his phone against his ear. He takes a few steps backward until he reaches the door and lurks in the living room where Izzy lies on the floor, busy playing with her toys scattered all over the carpet. She occasionally glances up at the tv where _Mickey Mouse Clubhouse_ plays silently on the screen.

„Ex-pla-na-tion.” Ashley syllabizes.

„I have no idea what you're talking about.” Josh reaches inside the cabinet.

„I'm talking about my _niece_ , Isabel Dun.”

It's like a slow-motion picture. Josh's fingers lose their grip on the mug and it falls to the floor, rotating on its own axis before it - what seems like centuries later - shatters against the white tiles.

„Ah!” The drummer hisses, jumping back when the sharp piece hits him in his bare ankle. 

„Josh? What was that noise? Are you okay?” The girl asks, sounding more concerned than angry now. Josh leans against the counter, breathing heavily and staring at the mess on the floor. _Ashley knows. Ashley knows. Ashley-_ „Josh? Are you there?”

„How-” He starts but he can't get the words out. He clears his throat and presses the tips of his fingers against his eyelids, rubbing them until it hurts. „How did you find out?”

„Tyler told me.”

„Tyler.” He bangs the back of his head against the cabinet door. „Freaking idiot.”

„Well, technically, he didn't tell me.” Ashley backtracks. „Me and dad walked in on him yelling at mom. And then he didn't have any other choice but tell us what ha-”

„Wait.” Josh cuts her off. „Wait! Slow down. Dad? Mom? Tyler? Yelling? _What_? I don't understand!”

Ashley sighs. 

„Yesterday, me and dad went out for lunch. We planned to go to see a movie but the cinema was closed so we decided to go back home and put on some DVDs.” She says, sounding a little bit out of breath. „When we arrived, Tyler was already there and he and mom were arguing. I think it was supposed to be a private conversation but we got back earlier and they were so into it that they didn't even notice us first. But then Tyler yelled something like: _but it's your granddaughter, you heartless woman!_ and that's when everything really started.”

„What started?” Josh asks, checking up on Izzy again.

„Dad asked Tyler what he meant. Mom said: _don't you dare, son_ but Tyler ignored her and spilled everything in a matter of seconds. Dad was livid. He told mom that she has a lot of explaining to do before he slammed the door shut and locked himself in their bedroom. I haven't seen him that furious in years.”

„He tried to call me a few times last night but I let it go to the voice mail every time.” The drummer says, crouching down and picking up the broken pieces.

„That's why he sent me on a mission. Are you home?”

„Yes. Why?”

„Buzz me in.” She says and before he can blink, the door phone goes off. 

He puts the pieces of the mug aside and steps into the hallway. He raises his eyebrows when he notices his sister on the monitor screen. He lets her in and unlocks the door. She steps into the apartment a short moment later and immediately gathers him in a bone-crushing hug.

„I can't believe you didn't tell me.” Ashley says at the same time when Josh manages to choke out a silent: _What are you doing here?_ „Dad is worried sick.” She pulls away from him and puts her backpack on the floor. She slips her shoes off and follows Josh when he spins on his heel and leads her to the living room.

„Why? Apparently, I'm a disgrace to this family.”

„Well, dad doesn't think like that at all. He's actually really excited to meet his-” She stops dead in her tracks and looks down at the floor where Izzy rolls from her back onto her stomach, reaching for her teething ring. She grabs it and pushes it into her mouth. „-granddaughter.” Ashley finishes quietly but when the creature's head turns and her eyes fall on Ashley and the girl can finally see her face, she anything but squeals and immediately kneels on the floor next to Izzy. „Oh my God! She's so cute! Her eyes! She has your eyes!”

„Yeah.” Josh scratches the back of his neck. „Just... Be careful. She has a slight stranger anxiety and she's a little bit ill. She's still moody as heck.”

„Got it.” Ashley nods and lowers herself on the carpet, lying on her stomach and propping her chin on her hands. „Hello there, Isabel. You're a cute little lady, did you know that? I'm Ashley, I'm your aunt.” Izzy watches her carefully but then focuses back on her rubber ring, drooling a fountain of saliva and leaving a wet mark on the carpet. „Yeah, I think we're friends now.” Ashley says and sits cross-legged on the floor. „Wow, brother. I can't believe it.”

„Yeah, sometimes it still seems like a dream.”

„So... Debby, huh?”

„I don't want to talk about it.” Josh shakes his head. 

„That's fine.” His sister nods. „Tyler gave us the major draft of the situation.”

„Yeah? What did he say then? That she's a _slut_? Told you how irresponsible she is, leaving Izzy with me?” Josh says angrily. „I can assure you, we've talked it out. We're fine. Debby is not-”

„Josh.” Ashley cuts him off. „I know. It's okay, calm down. Tyler didn't say a single bad word about her.”

„Really?”

„Yes.” She confirms. „About ninety percent of his speech was about you and how proud of you he is, and that you're a great father, and how good you are with Isabel.”

„He probably only said that to piss mom off.”

„It sounded really genuine to me.” Ashley says softly and smiles. „He really cares about you. I mean, he came over just to change mom's mind. I think that speaks for itself.” She pulls her phone out of the pocket of her jeans. „Okay. Important things first. Let's call dad.”

„Ashley, no.”

„Ashley, yes.” She says, scrolling through her contacts. „He made me come here to check up on you and make sure that everything is alright. He said he didn't want to come in case you wouldn't want to see him. He thinks you're angry at him too.”

„Why would I be?”

„He's convinced that you think that he took mom's side.” Ashley says, choosing the video call. „Can you pick her up? Let's surprise him.”

Josh picks Izzy up and holds her with her back pressed against his chest. He's nervous. He's gonna show his daughter to his father for the first time. 

_First time?_

„Has he seen her?” He asks.

„Yeah, Tyler showed us a bunch of pictures.”

„What did dad say?”

„Nothing.” 

„Nothing?” Josh's heart drops. 

„Nothing. He cried.” 

She smiles and focuses on the phone when their father's face shows up on the screen. Josh and Izzy stay out of the picture when Ashley greets their parent and talks to him, assuring that she made it safely to Los Angeles and Josh's apartment. She tricks him into thinking that Josh is not there and he listens as his father sighs heavily.

„Please, tell him to call me back.” Bill says. „I really need to talk to him, he needs to know that I'm not sharing the same opinion as Laura. I just want to see my granddaughter. I want to get to know her. Ashley, tell him to call me back and not to be afraid.”

Josh's eyes sting with tears but then Ashley looks at him with a _told-you-so_ expression on her face and nods once. 

„Well. I lied.” Ashley says. „He's here. They're both here.”

Josh steps closer to Ashley and stops next to her, making sure that he fits in the frame. He lifts Izzy higher so she's in the picture too.

„Hi, dad.” Josh says shyly. He supports Izzy's bottom with one arm and takes her tiny hand, making her wave to the camera. „Hey, grandpa.” He adds quietly and watches his father break down on the other side of the line. Bill clasps his hand against his mouth and tries to muffle a sob. Josh notices that he's outside, sitting on the back porch of the house. The man squeezes his eyes shut and two lonely tears make their way down his cheeks. He wipes them quickly with the back of his hand. „Dad?” Josh asks, fighting back his own tears. „Are you okay?”

„Y-yes.” Bill takes a deep breath and tries to compose himself. He wipes his face with the sleeve of his navy-blue shirt and looks at the camera again. „Hi, son. Hi, little angel. Grandpa is gonna teach you so many great things.”

Just like that, Josh loses it. He curses under his breath and turns around, facing the window. He tries to focus on the trees and buildings, bouncing Izzy in his arms and placing little kisses on the back of her head. His eyes sting and he cries silently, not being able to wipe the wetness off his eyes. Ashley says something that Josh doesn't really catch and suddenly she's in front of him, pushing the phone into his hand. He notices that the video call is still going. 

„Let's switch.” Ashley says, taking Izzy from his arms. „Go and talk. You both need it.”

Josh takes one last look at the creature. She doesn't seem to be bothered by being held by a stranger so he goes to his bedroom and sits on the bed, resting his back against the headboard and pressing his knees to his chest.

„Dad.” He says, wiping his nose and keeping the phone in the right position. „I'm sorry.”

„You're sorry?” Bill furrows his brows. „What on earth are you sorry for?”

„Everything?” Josh suggests hesitantly. „That I let _it_ happen. That you and mom are fighting because of it.”

„Your mother is stubborn but she will come around eventually. Sometimes she forgets what year we live in. Sometimes she forgets that she wasn't a saint either when she was your age.” Bill sighs. „I just... I wish I knew sooner.”

„I'm sorry.”

„Stop saying sorry, Joshua. Please. Better tell me how are you holding up. Tyler told us bits and pieces but I want to hear it from you.”

For the next hour Josh tells his father about Izzy: about finding out about Debby's pregnancy, hard decisions, taking Izzy in, her adaptation process and the father-daughter relationship development. About her habits, her recent infection, favorite toys, parenting struggles and the things he loves about her the most. 

He feels like a big part of the weight is finally off his shoulders and after telling Bill about Izzy, he realizes how much head over heels in love with his own daughter he really is. He promises to visit soon (although he doesn't plan on going to Columbus in the nearest future), finally tell Abigail and Jordan about their secret family member that they still don't know about and assures his father for the fifth time that they both _are_ and _will be_ fine. 

„If you need my help with anything, please, call me.” Bill says.

„You and Tyler sound exactly the same.” Josh chuckles. „ _If anything happens, call me. If you need help, call me._ ”

„That's because we’re worried about you.”

„There's no need- Oh. Actually... Dad. There is something.”

„Yes?” Bill sits up straight and looks directly into the camera with hope painted all over his face. 

„I could use a little bit of your help.” Josh smiles.

„What is it?”

„Would you like to help me with preparing her room? Painting the walls, maybe covering one of them with wallpaper, putting the furniture together...” He says. „Ashley could help with choosing colors and patterns. You know, girly things.”

„Yes! I mean- Oh God, of course.” Bill nods frantically. „This is- It means a lot. Yes, of course, I will help you.”

„Thanks, dad. When-” Josh starts but then the door behind his father's back opens and Laura steps out, saying something to her husband. She stops when she sees Josh on the screen of Bill's phone, makes an excuse and disappears inside the house again. Bill and Josh sigh at the same time. „Don't worry, Josh.”

„It- It hurts.” Josh says quietly, looking up and blinking quickly. „She could teach me so many things about babies and- It just hurts, dad.”

„I know.” Bill nods. „Hey, son, what if I catch a plane to California tomorrow morning?”

„Don't you have work?”

„I could use a few days off.”

Josh smiles. 

„Yes, please.” _I really need you here._

„Alright. I guess I'll see you tomorrow.” His father grins. „Can't wait to meet the little one.”

„I can't wait for her to meet you.”

„Take care of Ashley.”

„Always.”

 

The thing that Josh realizes after ending the call is that Tyler was right. He's always right and maybe really, _really_ , Josh is not alone in this. People are there for him: Tyler, Ashley, Dad. And Debby, he can't forget about Debby. Even despite her struggles, she's still there for him.

He reaches into the pocket of his jeans, takes his phone and sends Tyler one simple text.

 _Thank you_.

 _???_ , the reply comes immediately, followed by another text a second later. _What for?_

 _Being you_. Josh types. _Ashley is here and dad is coming over tomorrow._

_Josh, look. I'm sorry I went to see Laura behind your back. I was angry. You know I'm acting impulsively and I don't have any filter when I'm angry._

_Thank you again. I love you._

After full two minutes of hesitation, he deletes the last part of the message. He shuts his phone off and leaves the bedroom to find his sister and daughter.

 

The next three days leave him exhausted but the happiest he's felt in a long while. They consist of heart-to-heart conversations, sad tears, happy tears, buying new furniture, arguing with his sister over the paint color ( _I don't want any vibrant colors in the nursery, Ash! I want it simple and toned down like everything else!_ ), breaking two screwdrivers, making a mess in the flat, keeping Tyler up to date with the makeover progress and consulting the wallpaper pattern choice with him ( _The floral one_ , the singer decides and Josh laughs out loud throwing his head back, because he knew what Tyler's answer would be. _Pink hearts look incredibly lame and the polka dot one makes me feel sick when I look at it for too long._ ).

They finally decide on using subtle colors, painting three walls cream, covering one with pinkish floral wallpaper and leaving the ceiling white. Josh doesn't want to crowd the room with too many items so they stick to the essentials – a crib, changing table, chest of drawers, cube shelving unit for toys and a wardrobe for her clothes - everything in white. Ashley insists on adding a dash of color to the room so Josh gives in and agrees on pink cushions, curtains and a rug, along with some of the accessories.

„For God's sake, Ashley, I agreed on pink but not this bright shade of pink!” Josh groans, pushing the shopping cart with sleeping Izzy on top of it, when he notices his sister marching in his direction with a handful of bright pink things. 

„You're so boring.” She rolls her eyes, turns on her heel and comes back ten minutes later with pastel pink accessories, that match the shade of the wallpaper.

„See? It wasn't that hard.” He sticks his tongue at her. „Why does everything have to be pink, though? Why couldn't we pain her room, uhm, I don't know... orange? Grey and orange. That would look totally sick.”

„She's a girl.” Ashley shrugs. „Pink is for girls. Girls like pink. Or something like that.” She says, scanning the shopping list and crossing off the things they have. 

„That's sexist.” Josh remarks. „She's a girl but she's also a human. Girls can like all sorts of colors.”

„Well, that's true. But you must admit that her nursery will look really cute when we're done.”

„Yeah, it will.” Josh sighs.

„That would be all.” Ashley says, folding the piece of paper and hiding it inside her pocket. „Dad is probably done with putting the crib together.”

„What was wrong with her old crib again?”

„It wasn't white, Joshua!”

„We could just paint it over.” He mumbles under his breath and follows Ashley to the checkouts.

He's not allowed into the nursery until the end of the day where Ashley locks herself inside and decorates the room.

 

„Wow.” The drummer breathes out when he walks into the nursery the next morning. Ashley finishes putting toys on the shelves and looks up at him with a smile. „Literally, wow.”

„I told you it would look cute.”

„It's the cutest nursery I've seen in my entire life. I haven't seen many of them but I can already tell that this one is the cutest.” Josh says, opening every drawer and looking inside. „Tyler will love it.” He says without thinking and reaches for his phone.

He tries to take a few pictures of the finished room but he's not satisfied with them so he makes a short video showing every detail and sends it to Tyler. 

„Dude!” Tyler calls back and the sound of waves hitting the shore reaches Josh's ears. „Dude, it looks so good! Oh my God!”

„I know!” Josh says excitedly and catches the sight of Ashley who rolls her eyes and leaves the room shaking her head with a wide smile. „I literally can't wait for her to sleep here tonight.”

„You're not afraid to leave her alone?” The younger man asks with concern in his voice.

„I bought a baby monitor. We'll be fine.”

„I know what else you need in there!” The excitement on the other side of the line is back.

„What?”

„You need a ro-” Tyler stops and goes silent. „No, you know what? I'm not telling you. I'm buying it. It'll be a surprise. A gift from uncle Tyler.”

„Oh.” 

„Okay, look. I have to go.”

„Tyler, wait!”

„Yes?”

„Uhm...” _Nothing, I just want to listen to your voice a little bit longer._ „How's your vacation?”

„Amazing.” Tyler says and Josh can imagine his wide smile. „I really needed something like this.”

 

The package arrives two days later. 

Ashley and Bill are back in Columbus and Josh is alone with Izzy again. They spend most of the time in the nursery now, where all Izzy's toys are. Josh loves the new room - it's spacious and cozy and Izzy can roll on the floor all she wants without hitting things. 

The sound of the doorbell echoes through the apartment and Josh shuffles to the door with Izzy in his arms. He takes a step back when he sees a delivery guy and at least a meter high package.

„Mr... Uhm. Josh Dun?” The guy reads and Josh nods. „I have a delivery for you from Mr... Tyler Joseph, I believe.”

The man helps him carry the package inside (it's big but suspiciously light) and Josh signs the proof of delivery. He puts Izzy on the carpet in the living room and pushes the big box there as well. She watches him as he grabs the scissors and rips the package open. He can't help but burst into laughter when he looks inside. He carefully removes the rest of the cardboard box to reveal the gift and places his hands on his hips, locking eyes with his daughter.

„Rocking chair.” Josh says, grinning. „He got us a rocking chair. Freaking, white, rocking chair.” He giggles and bends down to pick up his daughter. „Let's try it, shall we?” He places her on his lap and makes the chair rock. „How cool is that, huh? Should we say thanks? Let's say thanks.”

He takes his phone and sends a text.

_We received the gift._

_Do you like it??_

_We love it! Thank you so much._

_Anything for you._

Josh stares at the last text and gulps. The butterflies try to rip his stomach open and he feels his cheeks heat up. He holds Izzy more securely and relaxes in the chair, ignoring the mess he's made on the floor. He has no idea what he could possibly reply, so he leaves it without the answer. 

He doesn't know how much times passes before his phone dings again. He opens his eyes and unlocks it, noticing it's Tyler, with one simple text:

_Hey, Jishwa. I need your help._

Josh furrows his brows. He knows it's probably nothing serious since Tyler used the nickname but still, there's a weird feeling in his chest. He looks at the three moving dots and another message appears on the screen.

_I need you to help me choose._

_Left or right?_ , Tyler asks and immediately attaches a photo.

A photo of two beautiful, white gold engagement rings. The first one, traditional and elegant, with a single diamond set on a simple metal band. The second one, more stylish and modern, with a larger stone in the center and smaller ones surrounding it tightly. 

Josh opens his mouth in shock and just like that, the butterflies are dead.


	9. Chapter 9

The club is not as loud as it should be and Josh is still not as drunk as he aims to be. He sits in the darkest corner of the room, sipping his fourth drink and watching people. He's been here for the last two hours, nailed to the same spot and drowning his sorrows in alcohol. He feels pathetic and miserable, like a teenage girl having a crush on a boy she can never have. He sniffs and pulls out his phone, opening the conversation with Tyler. 

He stares at the picture of the rings. They're mocking him, screaming: _Tyler will never love you!_ right in his face. He starts typing a message but changes his mind and deletes everything. He types again, two simple words and smirks. _Fuck you_. He smiles because it feels good - it feels good to curse and it feels good to tell Tyler such nasty words. His thumb hovers over the keyboard, ready to press the _send_ button but then his eyes start to water and hot tears blurry his vision. He feels miserable and ashamed - ashamed for losing control over his feelings, for being so weak and unable to deal with the fact that Tyler wants to spend the rest of his life with Jenna. 

Josh gulps down the rest of his drink and tries to delete the message with shaking hands. At this point, he's already crying and doesn't care if anyone sees him. He quickly hides the phone and pays for the drinks, leaving a generous tip for the bartender. He leaves the club, swaying on his feet and almost tripping over his own shoelaces. 

He knows he should be at home. He knows he should have never gone out. He knows this is not the healthy way to deal with a heartbreak. He doesn't know that instead of deleting the message, he sent it to Tyler.

 

He wanders around the streets for the next hour, having no idea where he's going but then his phone starts ringing. Before he pulls it out of his pocket, he drops his wallet to the ground. He picks it up with a slight difficulty when everything starts spinning before his eyes and is happy to realize that the ringing stopped. The happiness doesn't last long before the phone goes off again. Josh groans. He finally manages to take a solid grip on his iPhone and press the answer button.

„Yes?”

„Josh.” Tyler's voice rings on the other side of the line. „What the hell.”

„I don't know what you mean.” The drummer says, clearing his throat and trying to sound as casually as always.

„ _Fuck you_. Seriously?”

„I still don't know what are you on about.”

„I sent you a picture of the rings and you replied with _fuck you_ almost a whole day later. How should I even interpret that?” Tyler sounds hurt and the hurt in his voice makes Josh angry. Tyler has no right to be hurt.

„If I sent it, I probably had a reason to do so.” He says and continues walking. 

„ _What_?” Tyler squeaks out. „Dude, what?”

„You-” Josh starts and he feels the tears in his eyes again. „How could you- You dare to send me that picture and... What were you trying to do?” Josh raises his voice. „Punish me?”

„Punish you? For what? Josh, I don't understand the problem.” The singer says, confused. „Everything was fine yesterday. What's going on?”

Josh wants to reply but then a loud honk pierces the air and a big, black SUV speeds down the road. He takes a step back, realizing that he tried to cross the street during the red light. It doesn't stop him from muttering the worst names at the driver.

„Asshole.” He slurs. „Burn in hell, you idiot!”

„Dude, what?” Tyler asks. „Josh, are you drunk?”

„Not as drunk as you think I am.” Josh spits. „Yet. Whatever. The night is still pretty young.”

„Where are you?”

„I don't know, honestly, I don't even care.”

„Josh! Where is Izzy?!” Tyler shouts.

„With a babysitter.”

„A babysitter.”

„Yeah. And you know what? She turned out to be a TOP fan because that's Josh Dun's fucking luck!” Josh laughs to himself. „But don't worry! I promised to pay her really well and sign all the CDs and maybe give her a VIP pass for any concert she wants so she can keep her fucking mouth shut and not tell anyone that she’s working for me.”

„You... You idiot.” Tyler mutters quietly and Josh can imagine him shaking his head and rubbing a hand over his tired face.

„I am an idiot. I am, aren't I?” Josh laughs harder. „Because I shouldn't even feel like _this_. I should never allow myself to feel like this. I should be over it. And I'm not. I should have never let myself- I always choose _wrong_ people and-” Josh takes a deep breath and the feeling of defeat floods his body. „Nevermind. Go propose to your stupid girlfriend.” He hisses. „Any ring you choose, she will be over the fucking moon. Now, excuse me, I'm kinda busy.” He looks up at the neon sign of the gay club he stopped in front of. „I'm off to have some fun.”

„Josh, wait, don't hang-”

„As I said earlier and definitely meant it: fuck you!” Josh yells, ends the call and after turning the phone off, he puts it back in his pocket.

 

He ends up gulping down another three drinks that burn his throat in the worst way possible and dancing with a brown-eyed/brown-haired guy that he couldn't take his eyes off since he walked in and sat down on the stool.

They swing to the music and the guy grinds against Josh's thigh, gently biting at the drummer's neck. _I'm not looking for anything permanent_ , he tells the guy and gets: _no worries, me neither_ as the answer. 

He lets the guy buy him another drink - at this point, he's too drunk to decline the offer. He doesn't see the guy anymore - the guy disappears and it's Tyler who's sitting right next to him, it's Tyler who squeezes his knee, it's Tyler who leads him outside to the parking lot and pushes him against the wall in the darkest spot, where the light of the lamp post doesn't reach anymore. It's Tyler who gives him a sloppy blow job and it's Tyler who fucks him against the wall until he cums for the second time with his dick bouncing between his belly and the gross bricked wall.

But it's not Tyler who helps him pull up his pants when he almost trips over them, it's not Tyler who kisses him on the lips one last time and says: _thanks, babe, I had fun_. It's not Tyler who abandons Josh in the parking lot seconds after everything's finished. 

He vomits in the bushes and cries on the way back. He's drunk, dizzy and sore, and he doesn't even know which part of the city he's in. He walks down the unfamiliar street, trying to breathe the fresh night air and clear his mind. When after another hour of wandering around he can’t spot anything familiar, he hails a taxi to take him home. 

He steps into the apartment around four in the morning, after dropping the keys twice and aiming for the lock without any luck another couple of times. He removes his shoes and the jacket when he finally gets in and goes to the living room, where he spots the girl on the sofa, reading a book. 

„You can go home.” He says and winces at the sound of his own voice. „Or you can stay until later if you don't have a transport home. Either option works for me.”

„No, I'll go. I have my car.” She says and eyes him up and down. „I can stay, though. If you want. I mean, you don't look- uhm... well.”

„I'll manage.” He sniffs and reaches for his wallet. He pulls out a few dollar bills and hands her even if he knows it's definitely too much. She thanks him and stands up, closing the book and putting it back on the shelf. She tries to escape to the hallway but he blocks her way and catches her by the elbow. „Katie.”

„Cathy.” She corrects quietly and looks up at him with a tiny bit of fear.

„Right.” He looks her straight in the eyes. „Not a word. I mean it. Not a single word to anyone.”

„I promise.”

„Good.” He nods and releases her arm, taking a step back and letting her go.

After the door shuts behind her, he makes his way towards his bedroom, takes his clothes off and throws himself on the bed. 

Everything goes dark.

 

He wakes up to a full bladder and quiet whimpers coming from the baby monitor. He ignores the second and shuffles to the bathroom. By the time he finishes peeing, Izzy's soft whimpers turn into a loud crying and Josh presses his fingers against his temples.

„Shut up.” He mutters, walking down the hallway. The crying doesn't stop. „Shut up!” He yells when he passes the nursery door and makes his way to the kitchen. He reaches for the mug and a jar of coffee before he realizes what he did. His eyes widen, he slams the mug against the counter and runs back to the nursery, immediately picking up the screaming creature. „Oh, sweetheart. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! I know, I don't look very good and I probably smell like crap but I'm here, baby. I'm here, I'm sorry... Oh God, don't cry, I didn't mean to shout, I love you so much.” He begs, holding Izzy close to his chest and kissing her wet cheeks. „I'm here, we're okay. Let's get you some breakfast, yeah?”

After feeding Izzy and skipping feeding himself (the contents of his stomach rise up dangerously high to his throat when he looks at the food for too long, so he sticks to the cup of coffee and painkillers), he puts her on the floor in the nursery and surrounds her with her favorite toys. 

„Tummy time.” He says, helping her roll on her stomach. 

He searches the house for his phone and after finding it under the bed where it ended up after he took his pants off, he comes back to Izzy's room and sits down next to her. 

He turns his phone on and finds a couple of missed calls and four unread messages from Tyler.

_Josh, pick up your phone._

_FINE. Then call me back as soon as you can._

_Josh, you're scaring me, please._

_I just want to make sure that you're okay._

He frowns and scrolls up the conversation, noticing the photo of the rings and his own message that followed after: _fuck you_.

„Oh, dear Lord...” He groans at his own stupidity and dials Tyler's number.

„Josh!” Tyler yells almost immediately.

„Jeez. Keep it down. Please.”

„Josh, what the hell is happening?”

„Nothing. I have a massive hangover.” He mumbles. „Uhm, about that... Did I do or say anything stupid last night?”

„You- You don't remember?”

„Not really? I only found a really rude text I sent you and I honestly don't know why I did that or what I was thinking.” The drummer scratches the back of his neck and prays for Tyler to say: _no, you didn't say anything stupid._

„Josh, why did you go out to drink?”

_Because you're going to marry Jenna and I'm jealous._

„I don't know.” He lies. 

„Are you safe? Where's Izzy?” _Questions, questions, more questions._

„I'm at home. Izzy is fine. She just ate and now she's playing.”

„Do you need me to come over?” Tyler asks with worry in his voice.

„No.” The drummer says quickly. 

„I'm coming over.”

„No, seriously, you don't have to. It was nothing, I-”

„You went out and got so drunk that you don't remember a single thing and you dare to say that it was nothing?” Tyler hisses.

„I just needed a break.” Josh mumbles quietly. 

„You needed a break so you decided to leave Izzy with a complete stranger and go out to God knows where and drink yourself into oblivion? Where have you been? Do you even know?” The singer raises his voice. „Will I see your drunken face on the cover of some magazine tomorrow? Will TMZ call me asking for the statement? How can I be sure that you didn't _fuck_ some random girl and make another kid because wow, apparently that's what you do now when intoxicated!?” Tyler yells and Josh gulps, feeling sick. There's a sudden silence on the other side of the line. The drummer wipes his nose and lets out a shaky breath. „Josh...” Tyler speaks again. „Oh God, Josh, I didn't mean it. Are you there? Josh? I didn't mean it. Please, listen-”

Josh ends the call and throws his phone aside. He lies down on the carpet next to Izzy and ignores it when it rings a few more times. The creature rolls on her stomach and looks at him, before focusing her eyes on Josh's tattoo. She pats her hand against his colorful arm, her eyes flickering to the brightest colors. 

„Do you like it?” He asks and ruffles her dark hair with his free hand. He blinks and tears start rolling down his cheeks. „Damn.” He sighs and wipes off his face. „Your father is such a mess.”

 

The warmth and the heartbeat - that's what Josh recognizes first. The familiar scent of the aftershave follows next, along with the feeling of an arm draped over his chest and regular puffs of air right next to his ear.

He can't help but bury himself further under the covers and snuggle closer to the warm body. Tyler stirs, adjusting his head and resting his chin on top of Josh's head, pulling the drummer closer. Josh sighs happily and lets himself doze off again. Naps with Tyler in the back room of the tour bus always make the long journeys feel more bearable. 

_Wait a minute._

Josh opens his eyes and stares at the skin on Tyler's neck. The bus is not moving, it's too quiet and there are no other voices coming from the front. And the mattress is too comfortable – this is definitely not the back room bed. _So if we're not in the tour bus..._

He panics. He pulls away and tries to untangle himself from the other body, tossing around and kicking the intruder as hard as he can, pushing him out of the bed. Josh rolls to the floor at the same time when there’s a thump followed by a loud groan when the other body hits the floor on the other side. Josh stays down, lurking from behind the bed with a heart thundering in his chest. The other man sits up and that's when Josh realizes that the intruder's name is indeed Tyler Joseph. Bare-chested, hardly awake Tyler Joseph, with a mop of morning fluffy hair sticking in every possible direction.

„Tyler!” Josh shouts, pushing himself up and crawling back on the bed. „What the heck are you doing here?!” He kneels on the mattress and reaches his hand out, helping the singer to sit on the bed again.

„Oh, man...” Tyler moans in pain, massaging his leg. „You just took your ideas of waking me up to the extreme level.”

„Tyler, _what_?”

„You kicked me with your heel, right in the thigh, I'll probably have bruises. I'm also about ninety percent sure that I hit my head against your bedside table. Ow.”

„No, _Tyler_. What are you doing here? How did you get in? When? Why are you in my bed? What is going on?”

„It's too early for so many questions, Joshua.” Tyler says, falling back against the pillows and closing his eyes. 

Josh lies down next to him, propping himself up on his elbow and looking down at the singer with a confused expression on his face. 

Tyler opens one eye.

„You're in Hawaii.” Josh states.

„No, I'm pretty sure I'm in Los Angeles.”

„Tyler.”

„Come on, five more minutes.” Tyler says and hooks his arm over Josh's neck, suddenly pulling him down. „I didn't get any sleep on the plane.”

Josh's nose gets squished somewhere between the singer's neck and his collarbone and he _can't breathe_. He pushes away from Tyler (again) and pins him down to the mattress, keeping his hands on his shoulders. 

„You're in Hawaii.” Josh repeats, trying to convince himself.

„No. Jenna is in Hawaii. I'm in Los Angeles.”

„You left Jenna alone in Hawaii?”

„Yeah.”

„Why?”

The younger man grips Josh's wrists and gently rips the drummer’s hands from his body, sitting up, yet never releasing his best friend’s arms.

„I needed to apologize.” Tyler says sheepishly. „For what I said. It was a dick move to do. I got so scared when you hung up and didn't pick up your phone anymore. So, yeah. I'm sorry.” He starts to rub his thumb against Josh's wrist. „But we also have to talk about your late night drunken escapade.”

„Apology accepted but I don't want to talk about it.” Josh ducks his head and lowers his gaze. 

„Something is bugging you and we're gonna talk it out.”

„Later.” Josh says. „Later.” He repeats. _Later, when I come up with some believable excuse so I can avoid telling you the truth_. „I promise.”

„You know I love you, right?” Tyler says and Josh's throat tightens. „ _I love you_ and I hate seeing you hurt. You're always a happy drunk but you definitely sounded hurt and upset when I called you.”

Josh starts to shake and Tyler's hand touches the drummer's cheek, making him look up again. Tyler furrows his brows when he notices the expression on his best friend's face. Josh can't make himself to look at him so he squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head. 

„Josh.”

„S-stop.” Josh says through his gritted teeth, the sudden wave of anger floods his body. _You have no right._

„What? Joshie, _sweetheart_. Hey, look at me. It's alright.”

„Shut up!” Josh shouts. „Shut up, don't call me- Don't- Just don't speak, don't talk to me, d-don't-”

„Okay. Okay. Shh.” Tyler soothes, slightly scared. „Come here.” He shifts closer and pulls Josh into a hug. 

For the next half an hour Josh cries with his face hidden in the crook of his best friend's neck and Tyler keeps running his fingers through Josh's messy locks, placing occasional pecks on top of the drummer's head. He doesn't say anything like Josh demanded, just rocks both of them and hums a soft melody until Josh calms down and his breathing goes back to normal. The drummer doesn't pull away, he only changes his position, throwing his legs over Tyler's thighs and continues stealing Tyler's warmth. 

„Are you with me again?” Tyler asks quietly and Josh nods. „How are you feeling?”

„I've been better.” Josh says in a raspy voice. „Why are you in my bed?”

Tyler frowns at the sudden change of the subject but goes with it anyway.

„Dude, have you seen your guest bedroom? There's like... tons of stuff in there. I got here at three in the morning and almost stubbed my toe against Izzy's old crib.” Tyler says and it lightens the mood a little. 

„Yeah, I still need to figure out what to do with those things.” Josh sniffs. „You could sleep on the couch.”

„And miss the opportunity to cuddle my favorite boy? No way.” Tyler smirks and glances at the baby monitor. His smile grows even wider and he pokes Josh in the shoulder. „I think someone's awake.”

„Leave her.” Josh mumbles. „She's fine. She's not screaming yet so she's fine.”

„Aww, come on...” The singer laughs. „We can cuddle later. I want to say hi to my favorite _little_ person.”

„I thought I was your favorite person.”

„You're my favorite _big_ person.”

Josh groans when Tyler untangles himself from him and leaves the bedroom. He rolls to the side and looks at the baby monitor. A few seconds later Tyler appears on the screen, stopping next to the crib and picking up the creature. He holds her up in the air but then brings her down to hug her and kiss both of her cheeks. The biggest grin decorates his face as he turns to the camera and waves like he knows that Josh is watching them. Izzy stares at him in awe like he's a walking pile of pacifiers and reaches to squeeze his nose. Tyler laughs and steps out of the view.

Before Josh can tear his eyes off the monitor, the bedroom door opens and Tyler walks in. He places Izzy in the middle of the bed and lowers himself on the mattress, propping himself on his elbow and watching the infant. Josh greets Izzy and kisses her tiny forehead before looking up at Tyler. Tyler, who stares back at him with a serious expression on his face and some unrecognizable emotion behind his eyes.


	10. Chapter 10

They stare at each other for what seems like the eternity before Izzy's babbling startles both of them. Tyler drops his gaze to look at the creature and he clears his throat.

„Can you dress her?” He asks, avoiding Josh's gaze. „I will start making breakfast. A bottle for Izzy and pancakes for us. What do you say? Pancakes, yeah?” Without waiting for the answer, he rolls off the bed and flees out of the bedroom.

 _What the heck just happened?_ , Josh thinks and lets out a shaky breath. 

He lets Izzy stay on the bed for a little longer and plays peek-a-boo with her for another ten minutes. Finally, he gets up and takes the creature to the nursery where he changes her diaper and dresses her in clean clothes. On the way to the kitchen, the smell of pancakes hits his nostrils and his stomach growls. When they step inside, his plate is full and Tyler stands in front of the fridge, gently shaking the bottle of milk. 

„What's this?” He asks with a frown, pointing to one of many sticky notes stuck to the door.

„Oh, I signed Izzy up for her six months old checkup.”

„That's tomorrow.” Tyler notices. "Cool. We'll go together." He says casually and turns to Josh. There's no sign of the awkwardness they have experienced a few minutes earlier. 

Josh reaches out to take the bottle from the younger man’s hand but Tyler shakes his head and gestures for Josh to give him Izzy instead. The creature lands in Tyler's arms and the singer leans against the counter, adjusting her little body against his chest and offering her the bottle. Tyler keeps watching Izzy and whispering _you're so cute_ , _I missed you_ and _you're growing up so fast_ every now and then. Josh swoons at the sight.

By the time Josh is done with his pancakes, Izzy finishes her bottle. Tyler bounces her on his shoulder until she burps and refuses when Josh insists on taking her, so he ends up eating his own breakfast with Izzy sitting on his lap. The creature lifts her head and follows every move Tyler makes with his fork and he chuckles at the sight. _Soon, princess_ , he tells her. _Soon you will be allowed to eat the best pancakes ever._

„Did you really leave Jenna behind in Hawaii?” Josh asks shyly and drops his gaze to the empty plate.

„Yes.” Tyler says, still chewing on his pancakes.

„Why?”

„I told you. I was worried and I needed to apologize. Jenna wanted to stay and our hotel room is booked for another couple of days. We came to the conclusion that it would be a shame to let it go to waste.”

„Have you decided which ring will you give her?” The drummer says harsher than he intends to, gaining a bitter look from his friend.

There's no answer and Tyler doesn't say anything until he's finished with his meal. He sighs and clears his throat, leaning back in his chair and bouncing Izzy on his legs. 

„Josh, what is your problem, man?”

„A problem?”

„Yes. It's like you don't want me and Jenna to get married.”

„You were the first who said that you don't want to marry her.” Josh blurts out.

„I said I had doubts.”

„You don't have them anymore?”

„Are you _jealous_?”

„No.”

„Really? Could have fooled me.” Tyler hisses, squinting his eyes.

Josh stands up, puts his plate in the sink and leaves the kitchen. He can’t let himself lose control, he needs to stop himself from saying something he would regret later. So they don't talk for another few hours - Tyler busies himself with taking care of Izzy and Josh tries to avoid him as much as he can. 

Josh lies on the couch, scrolling through his Twitter page when Tyler approaches him. The drummer opens the new tweet but doesn't know what he could possibly say. It would be nice to let the Clique know that he's alive - he hasn't tweeted anything since Twenty One Pilots started their break. After a moment of hesitation, he gives up and closes the app.

Tyler stops next to him and pats his shoulder. He's alone, so Josh assumes that Izzy is napping.

„Scoot over.”

„The armchair is available.” Josh mumbles, not tearing his eyes off his phone. „The sofa too. And the floor.”

„Josh.” Tyler sighs. „Don't be a _dick_.”

Josh rolls his eyes but sits up and shuffles to the end of the couch, as far from Tyler as possible. The singer follows, sitting down right next to him and making their shoulders bump against each other. Josh tenses and swallows nervously. He knows that he can't escape Tyler, not now when Tyler decided it's the right time to talk. 

„I'll ask again.” The singer says, reaching for Josh's hand. He laces their fingers together and rests his head against the back of the couch, looking at the drummer. „Are you jealous? And no.” Tyler stops him when Josh starts to open his mouth. „Before you say anything: it just seems like it, okay? You sounded jealous back there in the kitchen and you sounded jealous when you were on the phone with me, in the middle of the night, smashed out of your mind, calling Jenna my _stupid girlfriend_. What's going on?”

„I'm not jealous.” Josh mumbles, dropping his eyes to his lap. „I'm just... I'm just worried about the band?” He improvises and the sentence comes out more like a question. 

„Now that's a lie and we both know it. You were ready to quit the band, don't give me this bullcrap about worrying about our career. You were honest with me when it came to Izzy, I want you to be honest with me now when it comes to Jenna.” Tyler says. „So tell me, why are you against the idea of me marrying her?”

„I'm not against it!” Josh shouts and throws his arms in the air, dropping Tyler's hand in the process.

„Then what?!” Tyler raises his voice as well, making Josh get up from the couch and leave the room. „Why are you so cold towards me? What did you mean when you said that you always choose wrong people?!”

„Nothing.” The drummer marches towards his bedroom and is about to reach the doorknob when Tyler's voice rings behind his back.

„Josh. Talk to me. Don't hide from me.”

„Leave me alone.”

„No, this conversation is not over.” Tyler says and grabs Josh's arm, spinning him around.

Josh doesn't waste any second longer. He grabs Tyler's collar with both hands and pushes him back until the singer's back hits the wall. He dives in and connects their lips together. He kisses Tyler with all he has, he kisses Tyler and Tyler... Tyler doesn't kiss him back. Instead, the younger man takes a hold of both of Josh's arms and tries to push him away. 

Josh pulls away and takes a step back, releasing his grip on Tyler's t-shirt. They stare at each other for a few seconds, breathing heavily, before Josh sniffs loudly and averts his gaze, with his cheeks on fire, taking more steps back. 

„Here. The answer to all your questions.” Josh says quietly. „You know where the door is. You can leave whenever.” 

He spins on his heel and retreats to the nursery, quietly slipping inside, not wanting to wake Izzy. He sits in the rocking chair and stares at his sleeping daughter. He doesn't even feel like crying - he made peace with the thought that their friendship is over and he's not a part of the band anymore.

When he leaves the room two hours later, carrying Izzy out of the nursery, Tyler is not there. His things and shoes are gone and Josh lets out a sigh of relief. Facing Tyler is the last thing he needs right now.

 

 _I screwed up._ Josh types.

 _What do you mean?_ Debby replies twenty minutes later.

_I kissed Tyler and I scared him off._

_Can you talk?_

_Yes._

„Look, I don't have much time but quickly, tell me what’s going on.” She says once Josh picks up his phone.

„We were arguing and... it just happened.”

„Arguing about what?”

„Him marrying Jenna.” Josh sighs. „He showed me a picture of two engagement rings. He told me to _help him choose_ , Debby. That was like, I don't know, a knife in the back.”

„Oh, babe.”

„I got drunk and apparently told him some stupid things over the phone and I don't even remember what I said. Then he came over and it was fine until I asked him about Jenna because apparently, I have no freaking control over things that come out of my mouth. One word led to another and I just-” He rubs his fingers over his eyelids.

„Did he... you know. Kiss you back?”

„No!” Josh whines. „He pushed me away. I was so embarrassed that I didn't let him speak, I just said he can leave whenever he wants and I escaped to Izzy's room. When I came out later, he wasn't there.”

„You let him go like that without explaining anything?” Debby sounds surprised.

„Debs, I felt like I was nine again and broke my neighbors' window with a football. I did what I always do the best. I ran away from the consequences.”

„You need to talk to him. You both have to talk it out. Otherwise, it will slowly kill both of you.” Debby says softly. He closes his eyes and listens to her voice. It's soothing. It's like a hug for the soul. „There's no going back now. He _knows_ and he's probably super confused.”

„Are you taking his side?”

The girl sighs and Josh can swear that he can hear her rolling her eyes.

„I'm not taking anyone's side, darling. But you have to admit that you've dropped a big fat bomb on him.”

„I'm so scared to talk to him.”

„If you don't talk to him, I will.”

„No!” Josh shouts. „Oh God, no. Please. Don't get involved in this.”

„I'm already involved, Josh.”

„Yes. That’s true. But this is something I have to do alone.”

„Today.”

„Debby...”

„The sooner the better.” She insists.

 

For the rest of the day, his thumb hovers dangerously close to Tyler's name on his contact list. Every time he chickens out and puts the phone aside.

It's almost ten o'clock in the evening when he decides to make something for dinner. Izzy refuses to go to sleep so he buckles her up in her rocker and lets her watch him chop tomatoes. The sound of the knife hitting the cutting board is somehow so funny to her that it makes her giggle, so Josh goofs around, creating different sounds with the utensils for another few minutes just to hear her laughter.

Josh tenses when he hears the sound of the key turning in the lock. He spins around and sees Tyler, standing in the doorway with his bag in his hand. He doesn't say anything, he simply throws his keys on the shelf, kicks off his shoes, puts the bag down and walks into the kitchen. He sends an emotionless glance at Josh and crouches down in front of Izzy.

„Princess, what are you still doing up?” He smiles and wipes the saliva off her chin. 

Josh is not sure if he's allowed to speak so he turns around with his chin low on his chest and focuses on cutting vegetables again. He hears Tyler whispering: _let's get you to bed_ and the sound of unbuckling the straps.

„Has she eaten?” Tyler asks loudly and Josh almost jumps out of his skin. His heart thunders in his chest and he nods quickly. 

Tyler disappears in Izzy's nursery and Josh is surprised that he still has all ten fingers, seeing how badly his hands are shaking. _He's here to tell me how much he hates me. He's here to officially kick me out of the band. He's here to tell me how disgusting I am. He's here to tell me I'm not his best friend anymore._ He's freaking out and he doesn't even notice the singer who comes back from the nursery and stops right next to him, watching Josh's lame attempts of cutting anything. 

Tyler takes the knife and the pepper out of drummer's hands and puts them aside on the counter. 

„I almost stepped on that freaking plane.” He whisper-shouts with venom in his voice and his eyes meet Josh's. „I had a ticket in my hand and I almost made it. I was so angry with you. I _am_ so angry with you and even more angry with myself. Because I've always, _always_ , seen the signs and I ignored them because I thought it was only my stupid imagination and you - you have _never_ said anything.”

„You should have gone back.” Josh says, trying to sound as casually as always and picks up the knife again.

„Why?”

„You belong there. You have Jenna. And your family.” Another pepper gets cut in a half. Josh removes the seeds. 

„You're a part of my family.”

Josh shakes his head.

„Tyler.” He sighs and loses the grip on the knife. He rubs his eyes with the heel of his left hand. It's now or never - he needs to say it but he can't look at Tyler - he'd rather avoid seeing the look of pure disgust on the singer's face, so he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. „I love you. _I'm in love with you._ ” His throat tightens but he fights against the feeling. He can't have a panic attack now. „I've been stupidly in love with you for years now. And instead of getting rid of this feeling, I seem to fall in love with you even more every freaking day. And sometimes you unconsciously _flirt_ with me, Tyler, and it doesn't help. And I'm extremely jealous although I know I don't have any right to be. I didn't break up with Debby because I've been in love with Camila. I broke up with her because I've been in love with you. It was always you.” He says and he feels tears gathering behind his eyelids. „If you're here just to let me know that the band and our friendship is over, say it now and go. You don't have to be here just because you think I'm some fragile flower with anxiety and you feel obligated to make me feel better. I don't want you to do anything against yourself.”

There's a long pause before Tyler starts speaking again.

„So you think that sitting in the cafe around the corner and overthinking for two hours, pacing around the airport for another three, yelling: _I'm so stupid!_ at the top of my lungs and showing my ticket in a random person's hand, sprinting to get a taxi and almost knocking some old lady off her feet after I bumped into her and coming back here is something I'm doing against myself?” Tyler asks and finally takes a breath. „Why do you think the concept of marrying Jenna feels so wrong to me? I've always felt like there was a missing piece. And you know what? It turns out that there's a side of me I've been not aware of. It turns out that _you_ are the missing piece. You're the missing piece, you make me whole and you've been here this whole time, I had you right under my nose. But I'm _not ready_ for this, Josh.” He says and the drummer feels a tear running down his cheek. He squeezes his eyes even more and feels his heart breaking into a million pieces even if he was prepared for this. „I can't give you what you want. I can't be what you expect of me-”

Josh nods quickly.

„I understand.”

„No. You don't understand because I haven't said what I wanted to say.” Tyler argues and grabs Josh's shoulders, turning his body and making them stand face to face. „Look at me.” He says firmly and Josh opens his wet eyes. „ _Yet_. I can't be what you expect of me _yet_. It's-” He hesitates. „It's really freaking scary, you know? I just found out today, those things about you and those things about myself. I don't know what I really feel. I need time to come to terms with everything, I need to put things in order in my own head, I need to talk to Jenna and I need to talk to my parents. I want to be honest with you, I want to be honest with them, I want to be honest with _myself_.” Tyler pauses and Josh watches him take a deep breath.

„Okay.” Josh croaks out silently. _Rejection hurts._

„This is not rejection, Josh.” The singer says like he's able to read Josh's mind. „This is me asking you for more time. This is me making sure that I'm not losing my best friend over this. This is me asking you to wait for me. Will you wait for me?”

It takes one gentle nod of the head for Tyler to throw himself at Josh and almost crush him in a hug. The drummer wraps his arms around him and lets out the first sob. Tyler's hand travels to the back of Josh's head, gently massaging the nape of his neck and he keeps letting out soft humming sounds, rocking the other man in his arms. 

_I just confessed my love for Tyler. I just exposed myself and there's no going back._

„I'm sorry.” Josh cries, feeling naked and vulnerable. „I didn't mean to ruin what we've had.”

„You haven't ruined anything, Josh.” Tyler says, leaning back and planting a kiss on Josh's temple. „If anything, you managed to open my eyes. We're good. We're fine. Do you hear me? We're fine. It doesn't change anything between us, okay? We're still best friends... at least until I get my head out of my ass.” Tyler chuckles. „After that, we will see. Just, please, be patient with me.”

Josh pushes his face even further into the crook of Tyler's neck and sniffs quietly, while the younger still rubs his hands against his back.

„I love you.” Josh says quietly because he feels like he's allowed to say it out loud now.

„I know.” Tyler smiles and playfully ruffles his hair. „What are you making there, huh?” He asks, pointing at the vegetables.

Josh peeks up at the messy counter and sighs.

„A salad?”

„Boring. Let's order Chinese and watch the reruns of _the X-Files_.”

„You don't even like _the X-Files._ ” Josh says, pulling away from the singer and wiping his cheeks dry.

„You like it. That's enough for me.”

Josh's smile can't get any wider. This is basically Tyler Joseph saying _I love you too_ to him and it immediately chases away all the sadness of the previous hours. 

The settle on the couch with their ordered food and watch _the X-Files_ re-runs until two in the morning. Josh doesn't know when he starts to drift off. The last thing he remembers is Tyler pushing him down until his head rests in the singer's lap and Tyler's fingers gently stroking his hair.


	11. Chapter 11

„Hey.” Someone is shaking him awake. Gently. It's more like a pat on the arm and a long stroke from the shoulder to the wrist. Up and down, two more times. „Josh, you need to wake up. Come on, sleepyhead, Izzy's appointment is in an hour.”

Josh stretches and opens his eyes, blinking quickly to focus his vision. He notices he's still in the living room where he fell asleep during the X-Files marathon. Tyler is sitting on the edge of the couch with his thigh pressing against Josh's hip and smiles warmly at the drummer.

„What time is it?” Josh mumbles, hiding his yawn behind his hand.

„Ten. I let you sleep in.” Tyler tries to tug the blanket down but Josh pulls it back up to his chin. „Izzy ate fifteen minutes ago and is ready to go. Your breakfast is on the table. You have about half an hour to eat, drink your coffee and take a shower.”

„Yes, _mother_.” Josh rolls his eyes. Tyler stands up, ready to leave the living room but Josh catches his wrist and Tyler halts to stop. He looks back at the drummer with a confused glance. „Thank you.” Josh says quietly. „For yesterday. Uhm- Last night. Thank you.”

„No.” Tyler's face softens. „Thank _you_.” He squeezes Josh's hand and after that, disappears in the hallway. „Your coffee is getting cold!” He shouts and everything goes quiet. 

 

Even if Tyler loves driving around Los Angeles and the drummer lets him be the driver every time he visits, Josh is the one who climbs into the driver’s seat this time since he knows all the shortcuts to the clinic and they don't have much time left after arguing how to dress Izzy. 

_It's so warm outside, do you want her to boil in this long-sleeved bodysuit?_ , Tyler growls, throwing his hands in the air. _She's an infant, Tyler! She should wear one layer more than an adult!_ , Josh argues. _Not in this weather! She will overheat!_ the singer whines, sticking his head inside the wardrobe in the search for more summer clothes. 

They finally agree on a short-sleeved romper but Josh packs a bag full of extra long-sleeved blouses, cardigans and long-legged pants just in case ( _I don't want to risk her getting ill again_ ) which makes Tyler sigh dramatically.

They sprint to the car and quickly buckle up. The music starts playing the moment Josh starts the engine.

_...-stood tall,_  
_and remembered our own land,_  
_what we lived for._

_And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears,_  
_And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears-..._

Josh switches the CD to the radio and pulls out of the garage. _One more reason to make me look like some lovestruck emo teenage girl_ , he thinks and hears Tyler clearing his throat. He doesn't dare to look in the rearview mirror for another ten minutes until the radio station decides to play _Stressed Out_. Their eyes meet and he sees Tyler grinning. After all this time, hearing their own songs on the radio still makes them excited.

„Do you hear that, Iz?” Tyler says, tickling her foot. „That's your daddy killing it on the drums!”

„And your uncle killing it on everything else.” Josh laughs, pulling into the clinic's parking lot. 

Not wanting to bring too much unwanted attention to them, Tyler chooses to wait in the car and Josh is thankful for his decision. They both know it’s always easier for the drummer to blend into the crowd of patients without the singer tagging along. Josh hands Tyler the car keys and hooks Izzy's carrier in the crook of his elbow.

„You can either stay here or drive around to pass the time until we're done but _please_ , don't crash.” He says when Tyler clumsily climbs from the back to the front, almost getting stuck between the driver’s and passenger’s seats. Josh only rolls his eyes. „It would be easier if you just got out of the car and got in again, you _idiot_.”

Tyler grins and sticks his tongue out, starting the engine. He drives off with a wave of his hand and a loud: _go or you'll be late!_ reprimand.

 

At six months old, Isabel Dun is a well-developing infant. She weighs eighteen pounds and measures twenty-seven inches. Her movements, reactions and head control are on point and there are no abnormalities in any of her organs. She’s a healthy, happy baby. Well, maybe not so happy about immunizations. Josh's heart breaks in two when he has to watch his daughter get poked three times in her tiny thighs. She seems unbothered by the injections but the moment the vaccine spreads around, her face changes, eyes water and she lets out the most heartbreaking cry. It’s hard for Josh to calm her down afterward. She refuses the pacifier and just clings to Josh, screaming right into her father’s ear.

When they finally get back to the car, Tyler waits for them in the parking lot. They find him in the driver's seat, typing something on his phone. His eyes widen the second he takes a look at Izzy when Josh approaches the car.

„Oh my God, baby doll, what on Earth did they do to you?” He asks with concern, getting out of the car and leaning down to stroke the creature's flushed cheeks and wiping off the remains of tears. Her little body still shakes with quiet sobs when she angrily pushes her rattle inside her mouth to chew on the rubber parts of the bright green toy.

„Shots.” Josh shudders and his face twists at the memory. Tyler moves out of the way and lets the drummer place the carrier in the car. „Can you drive? I will sit with her in the back. I don't think she's done crying yet.”

„Of course.” Tyler nods, takes one more look at the creature and climbs into the driver's seat once again. „So... How is she?”

„Healthy as a horse.” Josh chuckles. „Literally, can't be healthier. We have a green light to start solids.”

„That's awesome! Our little girl is growing up!” Tyler claps his hands.

Josh's heart skips a beat when the singer calls Izzy _their_ little girl but doesn't let it show. _It doesn’t mean anything._

„I'm not sure if dealing with even more poop is something I'm looking forward to.” He frowns when Tyler pulls out from the parking lot but instead of turning right, he drives the opposite way. „This is not the way home, Tyler.” Josh says, kissing Izzy's tiny first when she catches his finger and tries to bring it up to her mouth.

„I know.” Tyler smiles briefly. „I found a really cool quiet park only ten minutes away from here. I thought we could take Izzy for a little walk, let her breathe for a while. I know you have a stroller in the trunk so we won't even have to carry her.”

Josh feels a spark of anxiety in his chest. 

„Tyler, I don't know... What if someone sees us?”

„I don't care. I just want to spend some quality time with both of you before I have to go back to Maui tomorrow morning.” The singer sighs but after seeing the uncertain expression on Josh's face in the rearview mirror, he starts speaking again. „It's gonna be okay, I promise. I'll be right there with you and I'll fight anyone who tries to bother you. And a walk in the park is definitely healthier than playing on the balcony. Oh, and there's Starbucks nearby, if you're interested. We could leave the car there, get our drinks and walk around for a bit.”

Josh looks down at the creature and she looks up at him with glassy eyes. A quick ride to get groceries or blending into the crowd of patients in the clinic is one thing but exposing himself with a stroller and Tyler at his side is a completely different topic. He's not ready to be stopped in the middle of the park by fans who would scream in his face out of excitement, ask for pictures and - most definitely - squeal over Izzy and demand explanations. He's not ready for explanations. Explanations are exhausting.

On the other hand, he knows that this blissful peace won't last forever - Tyler will finally get tired of waiting and he will want to record another album. Another album means another tour and Josh won't have any other option than to take Izzy on the road with them. She will be exposed, she will be there for anyone to see and the secret will be out. 

He suddenly realizes how many people out there still don't know about Izzy: Abigail, Jordan, Tyler's parents, Tyler's siblings, Mark, Brad, the rest of the crew, their management... _Oh God_ , their manager will be furious for keeping this a secret for so long. Their friends from Columbus, their friends from Los Angeles. Colin, Halsey, Dallon... Brendon! _Brendon will flip the heck out_ , Josh thinks, biting his lip. _And what about Debby!? She will be harassed and attacked, and the paparazzi will sleep on her doormat… No, wait. They don’t know. No one knows that she’s the mother. She’s safe. She’s safe._

He doesn't notice that the car stopped until Tyler unbuckles his belt, turns around in his seat and speaks.

„Are you done with freaking out yet?” He asks, startling Josh. 

The drummer snaps back into reality and looks around in panic. Izzy is still squealing with her mouth around the toy, the engine is dead, they're parked in the furthest corner of the Starbucks parking lot and there's indeed an entrance to the park on the other side of the street.

„I- I don't- I'm not-” Josh stutters.

Tyler reaches out his hand and squeezes the drummer’s knee.

„Josh.” He says gently. „We don't have to be out there for too long. Let's walk around for... let's say, fifteen minutes. Only fifteen minutes. You can't freak out every single time you're supposed to go out with her in public. You can't-”

„- _hide forever_. Yes, I know, you say this at least twice a day!” Josh growls, takes off his snapback and runs his fingers through his messy hair. „Okay. Okay.” He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. „Okay. A short walk. I can do a short walk. Go get our freaking drinks and we will go for a walk.”

Tyler grins and climbs out of the car, immediately sprinting towards the Starbucks door. He comes back a few minutes later, carrying two frappuccinos when Josh finishes preparing the stroller. He puts Izzy inside, closes the trunk, locks the car and looks at Tyler, giving him one firm nod of the head. Tyler smiles back at him and they walk to the gate. The singer hands Josh his drink once they're on the other side of the street, entering the park.

Josh takes a sip of his frappuccino, pushing the stroller with one hand. He looks around and realizes that Tyler was right. It's a quiet place, there are not many people around and if they are, they're elderish couples occupying wooden benches. Dense branches full of green leaves successfully block the sun - it's a perfect place for walks with kids or their afternoon stroller naps. Josh likes it. He makes a mental note to bring here Izzy more often. 

„It's nice.” He mumbles under his breath, almost too quietly for anyone to hear.

„Huh?” 

„You were right, it's nice.”

„Sorry, I can't hear you, man. You need to say it louder.”

„I said-” Josh looks at Tyler and sees him laughing behind the edge of the cup. „Oh, you asshole.” He rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

„ _I was right_. Say it louder for the people in the back, Jishwa.”

„I hate you.”

„No. You _love_ me.” Tyler smirks.

„I-” Josh blushes and drops his eyes to the ground. _How the heck am I supposed to answer that? Tyler is laughing. Why is he laughing? Is this a joke to him?_ He stops panicking when he feels Tyler’s hand wrapping around his - the one that holds the cup - and steadies it until Josh's fingers stop shaking.

„Hey. You're overthinking again. Come back.” Tyler says quietly. „Don't go there, Josh.”

„Sorry.” Josh clears his throat and looks down at Izzy when she starts babbling and punching the air with her fists. She's still annoyed and he sees it in the way she keeps scrunching up her nose - something Debby does when she's angry. The drummer gives her a blanket and a pacifier and she immediately snuggles closer to the soft material. „I just thought... It sounded like-”

„Like I was mocking you?” Tyler asks and Josh nods hesitantly. „I would never do that. Not for something like this, okay? Never for something like _this_.”

„Okay.” Josh whispers, takes the last sip of his frappuccino and throws the empty cup to the waste bin. Tyler does the same, aiming for the bin from the distance. He makes it, of course, and the cup lands inside. „Show-off.” The drummer mutters in a playful tone. 

Tyler throws his arm over Josh's shoulders and they walk like that for a while, following the paved path. They both look at Izzy when she starts letting out quiet whine-like sounds, clutching to her blanket while her eyelids start to droop. 

„Look, she's falling asleep.” Tyler smiles and looks around.

„She's exhausted. You would be too if you got three shots in your thighs and screamed for thirty minutes straight after that.” Josh follows Tyler's gaze and spots an empty bench under a big oak tree. 

„Let's sit down.” The singer says. „She can sleep and we can talk.”

Josh paces back and forth with a stroller, bouncing it gently for the next few minutes until Izzy falls asleep. When she does, he puts a white thin cloth over the hood to block sun rays and insects, and leaves the stroller on the grass close to the bench where he joins Tyler.

„It's so quiet here.” Josh says. „I didn't know there are such quiet places in LA.”

„You would probably find many more places like this if you actually looked around.” Tyler murmurs with his head tilted back. 

A long moment of comfortable silence falls between them until Tyler sighs, sits upright again and pushes his sunglasses to the top of his head. He leans forward, gripping the edge of the bench on both sides of his legs and putting his weight on straightened arms, and focuses his gaze at some point in the distance. Even if Josh sees his troubled face, he doesn't say anything. He doesn't know what he could probably say or ask. _Are you okay, man? What's bothering you?_ seems too lame. Especially because Josh knows perfectly well what is bothering Tyler - not every day your best friend smashes their mouth against yours, confesses their undying love to you and gives you an existential crisis.

„Josh...” The singer starts but his voice cracks and he clears his throat before continuing. „How- I mean... Well, how- when did you find out that you, you know-”

„-I _liked_ you?” 

„-were gay?”

„I'm not gay, Tyler.” Josh snaps and immediately feels bad when Tyler tries to make himself look smaller than before, ducking his head and kicking the ground with the tip of his shoe. „I mean, I'm not, like, one hundred percent _gay_. I still like girls.”

„But you-” Tyler hesitates and Josh sees how hard it is for him to speak about _those things_. „But you still like other guys, right? It's-” He blushes. „It's not only me?”

The drummer frowns.

„Right now, it's only you. Why-”

„No, I mean... In general, like- God! I'm so bad at this! I’m sorry, I can't-”

„It's okay, Tyler. Take your time. You can ask me whatever you want, I owe you that. And you know you can tell me anything.”

„And you know that too, yet you've never told me that you liked guys!” Tyler whisper-shouts. „We're best friends, Josh! And you've never told me!”

„I just didn’t know how to approach you! You’ve never really said what you think about… you know, _queers_. You’ve never shared any honest opinion in that matter and honestly, I was afraid of your reaction if you would ever find out about me and my… _preferences_. But it wasn't like you were the only one who didn't know! No one knew. I've never really come out to anyone.” Josh says, dropping his gaze and playing with the hem of his t-shirt.

„Why?”

„Seriously?” The drummer raises his eyebrows, turning his head to the side and looking at Tyler again. „With family like mine? And the environment I was growing up in?”

„You're right, stupid question.” Tyler nods like he suddenly realizes things. They both can relate. 

Josh takes a deep breath and looks away when someone walks past them. He thinks about changing the way of the conversation but then decides against it: _it's now or never_. Just like telling Tyler about crushing on him. _I'll say it and then I won't have to say it ever again._

„I started experimenting with guys in high school.” He starts when they're alone again and no one walks in their direction. „Do you- Do you even want to hear it?”

„Yes. _Please._ I’m all ears.” The younger says and gives Josh his whole attention.

„It was meant to be a joke, you know? House parties, seven minutes in heaven, spin the bottle, those things. No one ever blinked twice, it was always for fun - just fooling around. Guys kissing guys, girls kissing girls. Just... teenagers having fun.” Josh sighs. He's feeling nervous so he starts picking at the skin around his nails. „After a while, I actually started to enjoy it and I knew I was attracted to guys as much as girls. But I couldn't let anyone know, not when my parents were obsessing over God and despising anything that didn't fit their faith's standards. So I still dated girls but I didn't want to give up on guys. I reached my lowest point when I was in a relationship with a girl and was going out with a guy behind her back at the same time. But then I realized I was cheating on both of them and got so disgusted with myself... I ended both relationships the next day and didn't date anyone for years. Until Debby, to be precise.” For a moment he gets lost in thought. After a long pause caused by a group of people walking past them, he continues. „The band happened and _you_ happened and I remember this weird feeling in my chest when we were sitting there, talking for the first time about music and dreams. I was immediately falling for you but then we switched the conversation to _girlfriends_ and I knew I had to back off.” Josh says, peeking inside the stroller to check up on Izzy. She sleeps on her back, keeping her arms on both sides of her head. He smiles at the sight and continues his story. „We were so close since the beginning and I was so happy to call you my best friend. But you were changing, Tyler. You were getting so freaking handsome and everything I managed to lock somewhere in the furthest corner of my brain kept pushing forward against my will and I couldn't fight it anymore. And your personality, Tyler... I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact how a person can be so perfect. We were promoting _Vessel_ when I realized I was one hundred percent in love with you. You started dating Jenna and I was dating Debby at the time and I loved her, I really did, but my feelings towards you were stronger and I knew I couldn't lie to her anymore. I needed to end things with her before it got worse, before I hurt her too much.” He says and finally looks at the singer. „But answering your previous question: you need to feel it. You can't force yourself to like guys. You can't force yourself to like _me_ this way. And if you don't, I- I understand.”

„I'm not forcing myself.” Tyler says quickly. „I just... I need time. I told you. I need more time.”

„Okay.”

„Please, don't be upset with me.”

„Upset?” Josh snorts. „ _Upset_? Tyler, I'm happy! I'm so happy that after everything that happened, you're still here. That you're not disgusted with me, that you still want me in the band. That you still want me around.”

„Of course I still want you around.” The singer whispers and shifts closer. „You're my best friend. I may have a hard time coming to terms with everything - don't blame me, I just found out yesterday - but I will never abandon you. I’m scared but... actually, I have a really good feeling about this.” He discreetly reaches for Josh's hand and laces their pinkies together. „Everything will be alright. Okay?”

Josh looks down at their hands, hidden between them and smiles. 

„Okay.”

And after they spend not fifteen minutes but two whole hours in the park, just enjoying each other’s presence and having more heart-to-heart confessions, Josh’s smile stays on and nothing and no one is able to wipe it off his face until the rest of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that starts playing in Josh's car is [_After The Storm_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqUsAHTUPTU) by Mumford & Sons.


	12. Chapter 12

Josh's t-shirt is soaked through and there's a big wet spot on the front of his grey sweatpants. There's also a very naked, crying infant in his arms and the bathroom floor is covered in puddles. Josh sighs. There's no use in fighting with Izzy, especially when she throws tantrums like this one. It's nine in the morning and he's already had enough.

„You are so much like your mother.” The drummer comments. „I really did hope that you wouldn't inherit her stubbornness but look where we are.” As the answer, the creature screams louder and pulls on his hair, making him wince. He reaches to the back of his head and tries to make her unclench her fist to free his bright locks. „They told me that you may be fussy after your shots but seriously, Iz, this is a little bit too much. Come on, stop being a brat. You're sweaty, covered in food and it's your third day without a bath. You will feel so much better once you're clean.” He tries to lower her into the small plastic bathtub again but she continues crying. He rolls his eyes and puts her back on the top of his chest, kissing the side of her head. „You love baths, baby. The water is perfect and you have your toys. What else do you need?”

It's the second day without Tyler and Josh can already feel the results of his absence. Even if the singer stays with them for the short amount of time, he always spoils Izzy as much as he can and then leaves, leaving Josh with an unbelievably loud infant who gets annoyed when things don't go as she planned. 

„You don't set rules here, little lady.” Josh says. „Tyler should get kicked in the balls for spoiling you so much. You're getting cleaned up, even if I’d have to bath you in the kitchen si-” He stops and looks at his daughter. „Oh. You know what? This is actually a pretty good idea. Let's try something new.”

He leaves the bathroom and turns to the kitchen, supporting Izzy with one hand and gathering all the bath supplies - along with a pink fluffy towel - in the other. He puts everything on the counter, plugs the drain and fills the sink with warm water. Izzy glances suspiciously at her father's actions but becomes more curious once the tap stops and Josh picks up two rubber ducks, making them float on the surface. Izzy tries to reach for the toy and Josh lets her fish it out of the water. Then, he slowly lowers her down until she sits in the water with her back supported by the sink walls. He keeps his eyes on her, waiting for another round of wailing but nothing bad happens. Instead of crying, Izzy starts splashing the water and babbles loudly. 

Josh lets out of a breath of relief and quickly grabs his phone. He snaps a picture and decides to send it later to Tyler, probably adding some mean description - like a really bad pun about kitchen sinks - because he feels like he's allowed to act like an asshole once in a while. Especially because Tyler breaks all the household rules that Josh wrote down so carefully and put on the fridge door (Tyler's favorite rule to break is definitely the _do not carry Izzy around the flat all the time_ one, where the words _all the time_ are underlined two times).

„Is this better? More fun, huh?” He asks, putting his phone away. He pours cupfuls of water over her and reaches for the soap. „Here comes the part you don't really enjoy but there's avocado in your hair so forgive me for what I'm about to do.”

He wets her hair and tries to get rid of the mashed avocado that sticks to her dark locks. She lets out an unhappy sound but Josh distracts her with rubber ducks and after a few minutes, her hair is all clean. 

 

He's surprised how smoothly introducing Izzy to her first solid food went. She only made a sour face at the beginning but quickly changed her mind and ate most of the meal Josh prepared for her. He chose an avocado puree, following the pediatrician’s advice.

 _It's safe to start with an avocado, it's very nutritious and easy to prepare._ She said. _Next, you can try sweet potatoes, pears, bananas, carrots or zucchini. Try to give her every fruit or vegetable for two or three days straight - once a day – so she can get used to it. Let her eat as little or as much as she wants but don't overfeed her. If you see that she doesn't want to eat anymore, don't force her. If she reacts well to a certain vegetable or fruit and it doesn't upset her tummy, you can skip to another one and after a while, you can start mixing tastes, like avocado and banana, and see how it goes._

It didn't matter that Izzy decided to put her hand inside the bowl and smear the avocado all over her face and head. It didn't matter that one-third of the puree made it to her tummy and the rest landed on the floor and the front of Josh's t-shirt. What mattered was that they had fun during breakfast. What mattered was that Izzy liked the food and kept giggling every time Josh made loud plane-like sounds when the spoon traveled from the bowl to her mouth. 

And it doesn't matter that Izzy has made a scene during the bath time. What matters is that she keeps stealing Josh's heart every time she smiles at him and it's hard not to forgive her for her little tantrums.

 

His phone dings twice but he ignores it and pays his whole attention to Izzy. He carefully washes her with soap and lets her play in the water until it gets too cool to stay in for longer. His iPhone goes off a few more times, announcing new notifications and messages. He ignores it again. _Tyler probably posted something cryptic on Twitter and the Clique is going crazy._ They keep replying, mentioning Josh too, like they always do. 

He unplugs the drain and wraps Izzy in the towel. The phone dings again when he's on the way to Izzy's nursery, carrying a small pink burrito in his arms. Someone tries to call him when he's in the middle of drying Izzy off on the changing table but he only rolls his eyes and mutters _piss off_ under his breath. Everything goes quiet for a while but then the familiar ringtone pierces the air _again_.

„Are you kidding me?” He huffs, dressing Izzy in her floral bodysuit. „There. You're all set, my precious cinnamon roll.” He kisses her forehead and carries her to the living room. „On the floor, you go. Practice crawling while I go find some dry clothes.”

His phone rings one more time while he changes. _What the heck is happening?_ , he thinks, pulling his t-shirt over his head. On his way back to the kitchen, he peeks into the living room (where Izzy tries to _eat_ her stuffed rabbit's ear) and finally grabs his phone. 

His eyes widen at the sight. There are over two hundred notifications on his Twitter account and the number keeps growing. Even when the phone is in his hand, it keeps buzzing with incoming notifications. He notices three missed calls: from his mother, Jordan and Mark, and ten text messages, every single one from a different person. He clicks the first one from Brad and finds only three question marks and a link to the article on the _US Weekly_ website.

He frowns and clicks on the link. When the page loads, his legs give out from underneath him and he has to support himself against the counter to prevent his knees from hitting the floor.

There's a huge title on the top of the page, screaming in his face with big bold letters: _Baby Pilot on Board!_

„Oh my God.” He breathes out and scrolls down.

 

_JOSH DUN SPOTTED IN LOS ANGELES WITH TYLER JOSEPH AND... A BABY STROLLER!_

_Can you think of all the celebrity parents pushing their bundle of joys around in a little bit too expensive strollers? It looks like Josh Dun joined the team, opting for the designer brand which can cost upwards of $1,000!_

_Dun (28), the drummer of Twenty One Pilots, was photographed on Thursday afternoon pushing a grey Stokke pram stroller around in a sunny Los Angeles park along with his friend and a bandmate, Tyler Joseph (28)._

_It's the first time the duo have been seen in public as they have secluded themselves away after starting a break after wrapping up their Emotional Roadshow Tour and promoting their last album, Blurryface._

_The baby's age, gender and name stay unknown, along with their mother's identity. Since the break-up with an actress Debby Ryan (24) Dun hasn't been seen dating anyone else._

_There has been no official announcement from the drummer, neither from the band so far and..._

 

He can't bring himself to make it until the end of the article. There's a bunch of pictures at the bottom of the page and he swipes through the gallery. Every picture is high-quality, taken from afar with a professional camera and probably a telephoto lens. Most of them show Josh pushing the stroller and Tyler walking beside him. There are two more of Tyler sitting on the bench while Josh puts Izzy to sleep, and the rest shows them walking back to Josh's car. _We were stalked and we didn't know about it._

His chest hurts when he takes a few unsteady steps to the living room and plops down on the couch. He types his name in the Google search bar and scrolls through the newest articles about himself. Each of them starts with some catchy/dramatic title and it only makes his stomach turn upside down.

_Twenty Two Pilots?_

_Secret Child!_

_Twenty One Pilots' Hiatus Caused by... a Baby!?_

_Josh Dun's Adventures in Fatherhood_

Every article is completed with the same exact pictures and Josh already knows that whoever took these photos earned themselves a nice amount of extra money. He doesn't dare to read through his Twitter mentions and he deletes all the unread text messages without opening them. 

Izzy rolls onto her back, babbling and pushing her teething ring inside her mouth while he tries to dial Tyler's number with shaky hands and blurred vision. Tears spill from his eyes once he presses his phone against his ear. 

Someone picks up but for a few seconds, the only thing Josh can hear is Jenna's loud voice in the background. 

„-yes, okay, Jenna. Calm down.” The singer's hushed voice appears on the other side of the line. „Josh! Hello?” The drummer doesn't know what to say so he just breathes for a while, blinking away the tears. „Josh? Are you there?” Tyler asks and Josh hears him shushing Jenna when she starts speaking again. „Josh.”

„They k-know, it's all over the- the Internet.” Josh stutters and lets out a sob. 

„I know.” Tyler says hesitantly. „I've... We've seen it.”

„ _They know_ , Tyler.” The drummer repeats and coughs.

„I know, Josh. Breathe, buddy. Breathe.”

„I can't- They know- My phone- Everyone- They know-” He tries to take a deep breath but his lungs close and he only manages to let out a wheezing noise.

„Oh my God, he's having a panic attack.” Tyler mumbles but then his voice becomes louder again. „Josh? Do you hear me? Josh! Focus. Talk to me. Let's talk. Can you talk to me?” Josh nods and whimpers. Even if the singer doesn't see the gesture, he takes the sound as the green light to continue the conversation. „Where's Izzy, Josh?” Tyler asks and Josh's eyes reach the creature.

„On- on the floor. In front of- of me.” The drummer says quietly.

„Okay. Tell me what she's doing. Is she sitting or laying down? On her back or her belly? Is she playing with a toy? Which one? Tell me everything. In detail.”

„She- She's on her back, reaching for the red rattle ring hanging from the ac-activity gym.” Josh says and blinks, making more tears spill from his eyes. 

„How is she dressed today?”

„P-purple bodysuit with the floral in-inprint.”

„Ah, my favorite one!” Tyler says excitedly and Josh can imagine him smiling. „Socks?”

 _They're calling me now!_ Jenna yells in the background.

„No, she-she's barefoot.” The drummer sobs. „Tyler-”

„Josh, shh. Focus on my voice. Jenna, don't pick up.” The singer says firmly. „Josh! Are there other toys on the floor besides the ones in the gym?”

„Yes.”

_It's your management, Tyler!_

„Don't pick up!” He shouts. „Josh, how many?”

Josh scans the floor.

„Seven.” He whispers.

„What time did she wake up today? Do you remember?”

„Six forty-five.”

„Take a deep breath, Josh.” Tyler says and Josh breaths in, unaware of the trick. „How are you dressed today?”

„Black basketball shorts and w-white tank top.”

„Sexy. What did you have for breakfast?”

„Lucky Charms.”

„Great choice.”

„Izzy had an a-avocado.” He says and his voice cracks.

„Really? That's amazing! Another deep breath, Josh. Tell me more about the avocado. Did she like it?” Tyler shoots another round of random questions, demanding quick answers, preventing Josh's mind from wandering to the dark place. It takes over ten minutes before the older man calms down and starts thinking clearly again. „Breathe in. Breathe out. Go for it. I want to hear you breathing, Josh.” Tyler says and the drummer does as he's told. „Great job. You're doing great.” The singer praises. „Josh, listen. We're packing now. The closest flight is in three hours, Jenna already booked the tickets. We'll land in LA in the evening.”

„You're coming... here?”

„Of course.”

„Both of you?”

There's a long pause on the other side of the line.

„Yes.”

„No!”

„Yes.” Tyler says stubbornly. „ _We're_ not leaving you like this. Will you be okay until we get there? You don't have to talk to anyone until we're there, okay? Don't pick up your phone and don't let anyone in. _We_ will help to deal you with this.”

Josh bites his lip to stop himself from growling. He takes a few deep breaths through his nose and tightens the grip on his phone.

„This is all your fault.” He says before he can put any filter on his words, and starts crying again.

„What- Josh...”

He's already too worked up to backtrack so he pinches the bridge of his nose and lets the words flow.

„If I didn't listen to you- If we didn't go to that stupid park...” Josh starts. „I'm not- I wasn't- I wasn't ready for this, okay? I wanted to do this in my own time, on my own terms and now _everyone_ knows because you had to play the smartass, because you always know better, because-”

„That's not fair, Josh.” Tyler interrupts.

„You know what's not fair? Not fair is how _fucked up_ my life has become in such a short amount of time!”

„Look, I know you're shaken up and I know it's a lot but...”

„But _what_?!” The drummer yells and Izzy looks at him with big eyes.

„But we're here for you, we're on our way and we will help you with everything. We will face people together.”

„I don't want _her_ here.” Josh whispers and tries to muffle a sob behind his hand.

„Josh.” Tyler begs. „Don't-”

„I don't want her here.” He repeats and furiously shakes his head. 

„She wants to help.” The singer says firmly, and Josh can hear Jenna’s voice, asking _what's going on?_ „Nothing.” Tyler replies, using the sweetest tone. „Josh is just _surprised_ that you want to help.”

 _He's one of my best friends, of course I want to help!_ Jenna laughs like her reaction should be obvious to Josh.

He closes his eyes and feels a pang of guilt in his chest. Hearing Jenna say that makes him realize how good of a person she really is. 

„How do you feel about that?” Tyler murmurs soothingly.

„Like an asshole.” Josh sniffs. „And a homewrecker.” He adds quietly.

„It's gonna be okay.” The younger man assures. „Just hold on, alright? We will be there soon.”

„O-okay.”

„Turn off your phone and don't open the door for anyone. I have my key.”

„Okay.”

„Josh?”

„Y-yeah?”

„Love you, dude.” Tyler says.

 _Love you, Josh!_ Jenna shouts into the phone, probably right next to Tyler’s ear.

„I... Yeah. I love you too, guys.” He sighs. „Bye.”

When he ends the call, his phone immediately starts buzzing with a whole bunch of new texts and notifications. He turns it off and tosses on the coffee table. 

 

He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand and watches Izzy. She's on her stomach, annoyed by the fact that she lost the grip on one of her favorite toys and it landed too far away from her. She's definitely trying to figure out the way to grab it and she looks like she has a plan. Josh frowns when she pushes her bottom in the air but then falls back down on the carpet just to prop herself up on her arms again a moment later and holds her chest off the ground, doing something similar to a mini-pushup.

He's not surprised, he's already seen her doing this a couple of times before, especially during her morning stretching routine. This time though, she feels braver and tries to push herself up even more. She kicks her feet for a moment, carefully watching the toy. By the time she brings both of her knees under her chest and lifts herself up, starting to balance back and forth on her straight arms and bent legs, Josh's jaw is hanging open. Izzy is determined to sit up and somehow she finally straightens one of her legs and rotates her hips, lifts herself up and slowly goes up, steadying herself on her little bum. The toy is still out of her reach and she stabilizes herself with keeping both hands on the floor but looks proud of herself and her little stunt nonetheless. 

„No freaking way.” Josh says and rubs his hands over his face. „Did you just... No way.” He slides to the floor and sits cross-legged next to her. „Baby. You're _sitting_. You just sat up on your own... I'm so proud of you!” He laughs through the tears and extends his open hand with the palm parallel to the ceiling so she can pat it with both of her hands. „Yeah! High-five! Or... Well, _low-five_. It still counts though, don't worry.” He leans in and kisses both of her cheeks which makes her giggle. When he sits up straight again, she's still keeping her mouth wide open in the search of something. „What, baby? You wanna give me a kiss too? Okay.” He shifts closer again and she ends up smashing her face against his, with her mouth somewhere on his nose. „Oh, honey, you went for it. Just don't bite my- Ow, Izzy!” He rubs his nose but starts laughing seconds later. Izzy joins him and soon they're both laughing like mad people. He picks her up and makes her sit on his lap, hugging her close to his chest and kissing the top of her head. „You just managed to make my crappy day five hundred times better.” He smiles but then sighs and his happiness leaves him as quickly as it appeared. „A big storm is coming.” He murmurs, pressing his dry lips against her forehead. „A big storm is coming and I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to face it.”


	13. Chapter 13

His heart is hammering in his chest as he stands close to the edge of the stage, looking around at the empty venue. He hears Tyler running around the backstage halls, yelling something in the distance. It finally happened - no one came. Not a single person. Something whines and he looks down, realizing that instead of his drumsticks he's holding his daughter. Tyler appears right next to him a moment later with a furious expression on his face. 

_It's your fault!_ , he yells and points to the barricades. _It's her fault too!_

Josh turns his head to see Debby standing there with her outstretched arms.

 _Let me hold her_ , she says but he only tightens his grip on Izzy. _It's okay, Josh. I won't hurt her. I just want to hold my baby girl._

He nods and crouches down. He leans forward, trying to hand Izzy over. Debby takes her but when Josh loses his grip on her body, Izzy slips from Debby's fingers and falls. Instead of hitting the floor, she's still falling. He's trying to scream but his voice is gone and he can only cry, looking down at the endless black void where once the venue floor was and where his daughter disappeared.

 _It's all your fault_ , Tyler’s voice echoes behind his back. Startled, he turns around and the breath catches in his throat. Tyler's eyes are glowing red and every inch of his skin is slowly turning black. _You've ruined everything!_ , he growls and pushes Josh away by the chest. The drummer stumbles back and trips over a pile of cables. Before he loses his balance, he catches the sight of Jenna, lacing her fingers with Tyler’s, laughing evilly and shouting: _he will never love you back!_

He falls.

 

Josh jerks awake with Izzy's name on his lips and tears spilling from his eyes. He breathes heavily, trying to focus his vision. He realizes that he's in the nursery, in the rocking chair and Izzy sleeps soundly on top of his chest. He shakes his head and finally notices another pair of hands on her, and he looks up to see his best friend, standing right next to him and trying to remove the creature from the drummer's death grip. 

„Shh, shh... It's me.” Tyler whispers and looks him straight in the eyes. „It's me. Let go. You can let go. She's safe.”

Josh blinks a few more times and reaches out to touch Tyler’s wrist, trying to convince himself that this time he’s real. The singer waits patiently until Josh snaps back into reality and loosens his hold on his daughter. Tyler removes the sleeping child from his chest and without moving from his spot, turns around and hands Izzy to Jenna, who quickly crosses the room and puts the creature in the crib.

Tyler's arms immediately wrap around him and Josh can't help but fall into the embrace and bury his face in the soft material of the mustard-colored hoodie. He fists his hands on Tyler's back, holding onto him for dear life. He's crying - again, because that's one skill that he mastered to the professional level in the last couple of months. A few minutes pass before he feels himself being pulled up to his feet and led outside the nursery. Tyler turns to the master bedroom and helps him climb under the covers, still cooing him and whispering reassuring words. He tucks Josh in and starts tracing circles with his thumb at the back of the drummer's hand. 

„Tyler...” Josh starts, his throat dry.

„I'm here. I'm here.”

„We need to-”

„Tomorrow.”

„ _Tyler_.”

„Tomorrow.”

It's fifteen minutes to eleven at night and Josh's eyes are open wide. He's tired but when he tries to close them, the venue is still empty, Izzy keeps falling and Tyler's eyes are still glowing red. He sobs, curling up into a ball. 

Tyler sighs, walks to the other side of the bed and slides under the covers. He presses his back against the headboard, ending up in a half-sitting/half-lying position and gathers Josh into his arms, letting the bright-haired boy rest his head on his chest. He starts caressing Josh’s scalp and humming quietly, what Josh recognizes as one of Death Cab for Cutie songs.

_You and me have seen everything to see_  
_From Bangkok to Calgary_  
_And the soles of your shoes are all worn down_  
_The time for sleep is now_  
_It's nothing to cry about_  
_'Cause we'll hold each other soon_  
_In the blackest of rooms_

Tyler's quiet, raspy voice and the feeling of the strong fingers still massaging the back of his head, slowly lull Josh back to sleep. He tries to fight with his drooping eyelids but the exhaustion takes over. He's on the verge of falling asleep when he hears the bedroom door opening, Jenna's whisper ( _it's her again_ ), and some other noise, first hard to recognize but then forming into a buzzing sound of the vibrating phone. He tenses, pushing further into Tyler's warm body.

„Just pick up and tell her we're here.” Tyler whispers back. „He can call her back tomorrow. He will be fine, he needs to sleep now.” He rests his cheek on the top of Josh’s head. „Give me five minutes.”

„Okay.” Jenna agrees and the click of the door closing behind her reaches Josh's foggy, sleepy brain.

Tyler presses his lips against the drummer's forehead for a long moment and continues humming again. 

_If there's no one beside you_  
_When your soul embarks_  
_Then I'll follow you into the dark_

„Sleep, Jishwa. I've got you.” Tyler whispers. „I've got you.”

The world turns off. 

 

He doesn't dream until morning and doesn’t have any more nightmares either. He wakes up well-rested a few minutes after nine o'clock and for a moment it seems like it's just another usual day. The realization crashes down on him a moment later and he sighs heavily, slides off the bed and sticks his head through the slightly ajar door. The flat is quiet and there's only a faint clatter of pots along with pieces of hushed conversation coming from the kitchen. 

He leaves the bedroom and passes the living room where two big suitcases are placed carelessly on the floor. There are blankets and pillows scattered all over the couch and the sofa. When he finally shows up in the kitchen, he stops in the doorway and looks at the scene: Jenna is the first person he notices. She’s cooking, standing with her back facing the door and chopping something on the cutting board. The counter is covered with a whole bunch of fresh vegetables, fruits and other products that Josh doesn't remember having in the fridge. _Someone got groceries then._

He looks over to the table where Tyler sits on the chair with Izzy in his arms. She only glances in Josh's direction for a second before focusing back on sucking milk out of the bottle. She keeps both of her hands on it, trying to be independent but the half-empty bottle is still too heavy for her so Tyler helps her balance it with tips of his fingers. 

The singer looks up and smiles.

„Morning.”

„Morning.”

„Josh!” Jenna turns around and grins. She dries off her hands on a dish towel and takes a few quick steps in Josh's direction. 

Before he can realize what's happening, her arms are around him, she rests her chin on his shoulder and starts rubbing his back. He's taken aback by her affection but hugs her back and relaxes in her embrace. He looks at Tyler over her shoulder and their eyes meet. The singer smiles again. It's a hesitant smile but he looks happy, yet there are also other emotions behind his look: guilt, uncertainty, hesitation. Somehow he knows that Tyler sees the same things in the drummer's eyes. 

He realizes how badly he wants to turn back time. He wants to erase the kiss and take back all the confessions. He wants to help Tyler choose the ring, push him into Jenna's arms and drag them to the altar. He wants Tyler to forget about all of his doubts about marriage. _Marry her, you dumb idiot, she's the best thing that could have ever happen to you._

Because she is. She's sweet and kind and has the purest heart full of love. She rarely gets angry and she cares about people. She wants everyone to be safe, warm and fed, and probably wouldn't mind spending a whole month straight in the kitchen if it meant feeding every single homeless person in Ohio. She's a perfect wife material.

All of sudden Josh feels disgusted with himself for even thinking badly about her. For complicating Tyler's life to the point where he has started to question his future with her, to the point where he felt like assuring Josh that he will eventually break up with her for him. And in this same exact moment, Josh is sure that he won't let it happen. He embraces her even harder - the small gesture full of silent apologies - and gives her a quick kiss in the temple.

„Hey, Jen.” He says and she lets him go, her smile never leaving her face. „Did you guys sleep in the living room?”

„Your guest bedroom is still a mess.” Tyler says and Jenna hums in agreement.

„I'm stealing your daughter.” She announces. „She's the cutest, the most adorable, the most lovable, the most squeezable, the most perfect child I've ever seen.”

Josh chuckles. 

„Yeah, you definitely haven't spent enough time with her. You don't know what you're saying.”

„I can't believe that you-” She points her finger to him and then to Tyler. „Both of you! Managed to keep this a secret for so long! And I - the lover of tiny humans, the lover of chubby thighs and squishy cheeks - didn't know!”

„Sorry, Jen.” The drummer says in a fake apologetic tone. „I had to keep her away from you. I just knew that you would cuddle her to death the second you saw her.”

„Dang right, I would!” She gives him one firm nod. „Now, excuse me, I need to finish this. I have two hungry men to feed.”

 _Well, that was easy_ , he thinks. She doesn't look differently at him, doesn't judge him and doesn't try to suffocate him with too many questions. It's her nature not to pry but he knows there's also Tyler's doing in the way she acts. 

Josh moves out of the way and slips down onto the chair next to Tyler.

„Good morning, angel.” He kisses Izzy's tiny hand when she lets go of the bottle and reaches out to him. She smiles with her mouth still around the rubber nipple. „Someone's in a good mood, huh? Yeah, I know. Tyler is back and you're over the moon. You little traitor.” Josh chuckles.

„I can’t believe how good he is with her!” Jenna says, glancing at them and licking her fingers clean. „I had no idea he’s such a natural when it comes to children!”

„Yeah, he is.” Josh agrees.

„I’m right here, you know.” Tyler quirks his eyebrow.

„Kinda makes me want to have my own tiny human.” She comments casually, reaching inside the cupboard and taking out three plates.

Tyler coughs and blushes crimson. He takes a deep breath and looks up at Josh, who only bites his lip and averts his gaze, focusing on his daughter again. _Marriage hint_ , Josh realizes. _Tyler was right. She’s waiting for the ring._

„Oh, I’m sure your boyfriend will do something about it _very soon_.” He says loudly enough for Jenna to hear him.

He sees her smiling to herself and after she starts searching for something in the fridge, he dares to glance at Tyler. The singer sends him a look of betrayal and discreetly kicks him in the shin. There’s a wordless question behind his terrified eyes: _what the heck are you doing, Josh?_

 _I’m sorry_ , Josh mouths, _it’s for the best._

Tyler furiously shakes his head and sends him an angry look again.

„Sorry I didn't wait for you with the feeding.” He says, trying to change the subject and sound as composed as it’s possible. „I didn't want to wake you and she was hungry so I made milk for her. I know she's supposed to eat _real food_ now but I had no idea what we could possibly give her.”

„Oh, that's fine. She can have something for lunch or dinner, it doesn't matter. We're trying to start off easy, so she's supposed to eat solids only once a day for now.”

Tyler puts down the empty bottle and holds Izzy differently so she can lie on his shoulder. His phone lights up and starts vibrating but he quickly reaches out and cancels the call before Josh can see who's calling. The drummer swallows nervously, anxiously tugging at the collar of his t-shirt that immediately seems too tight around his neck. He feels a hand on his knee and Tyler squeezes it beneath the table. 

„You okay?” Tyler whispers with concern in his eyes, the anger long forgotten. He laughs when Izzy burps loudly right into his ear. „Well, excuse you, miss.”

„Debby called last night.” Jenna announces suddenly.

„Jenna...” Tyler says in a warning tone and stares at her. Her brows knit together in a questioning manner but he ignores her and turns to Josh. „Yeah, well. She called me since she couldn't reach you. Begged me to tell you to call her back as soon as you can.”

„I- My phone is still off.” Josh says. 

„You can use mine.” Tyler says. „Just ignore every incoming call.”

Josh looks at the clock on the wall and counts under his breath. 

„It's like, three in the morning in Sydney. I'll call her later.”

„She said-”

„Later.” Josh repeats firmly. He rests his elbows on the table and pressing his fingertips against his eyelids. He stays like that, with his face hidden behind his hands. A warm hand starts massaging the space between his shoulder blades and he sighs, rubbing his forehead. „What am I supposed to do? Or say to people?” He asks quietly. 

„You don't have to say anything.” Tyler says, his hand never stopping caressing his back.

„They will _demand_ an explanation.”

„They can go _fuck_ themselves.” The singer hisses and Jenna spins around with a scolding expression on her face.

„Tyler!” She warns. „There's a child here!”

„Josh curses in her presence too.”

„You both need to have your mouths washed out with soap then.” She shakes her head, coming closer and putting two full plates on the table. „You should eat now, I can hear your stomaches rumbling from over here. You can have a brainstorm later.”

„You’re not gonna help us?” Josh asks, grabbing his fork and eyeing the table when even more food appears in front of them. „You said you would.”

„I know. But I’m here mostly for the moral support.” She says, backing off and jumping up to sit on the counter. „I’ll keep Izzy occupied while you two talk. If you need my advice, I’m here. But I don’t want to influence your decision in any unnecessary way.”

„Sounds good.” Tyler nods, standing up and disappearing in the living room. He comes back a few seconds later, carrying the rocker and putting the creature inside. He gives her a dinosaur-shaped rattle and the teething ring that he takes out of the fridge. After that, he joins Josh at the table and focuses on his breakfast. 

Josh gapes at the sight before him. He knows that Jenna never fails when it comes to preparing meals and she has proved it many times while playing the house-party host or feeding them on tour. She’s especially generous when it comes to breakfast and Josh is convinced that if she could, she would probably get _breakfast is the most important meal of the day_ tattooed on her forehead. This morning, the main plate contains eggs, sausages, bacon stripes and roasted potatoes, along with onions and bell peppers sliced into rings. The smaller one – a stack of five buttermilk pancakes topped with maple syrup. She also made sure to prepare two mugs of freshly brewed coffee for both of them: black for Josh, white for Tyler. 

Josh takes a few bites of his food and his eyes roll to the back of his head. He hasn’t had a real breakfast in ages - there’s never enough time to prepare something _normal_. It’s always a quick toast or bowl of cereal or… nothing at all. He’s never motivated enough to make simple pancakes. 

„Oh, Jen.” The drummer moans in delight. „If you were _my_ girlfriend, I would drop to one knee right this second.”

Tyler chokes. Badly. He can’t stop coughing and his face turns red. Josh abandons his meal and pats the singer’s back until he stops wheezing and manages to take a deep breath again.

„You’re alright there, babe?” Jenna asks, fork halfway to her mouth.

„Wrong p-pipe.” He clears his throat and takes a sip of his coffee. 

He doesn’t speak a single word to Josh until they’re done with breakfast. After Jenna is done with putting everything away, washing the dishes and gives her whole attention to a babbling Izzy, Tyler cups Josh’s elbow and excusing them, leads the drummer to the bedroom. It’s not a gentle touch and Tyler’s fingers are digging into Josh’s skin too hard for his liking. After the door closes behind them, Tyler grabs a fistful of Josh’s t-shirt and pushes him until his back hits the wall. Josh winces at the impact.

„What the hell, Josh?” Tyler whisper-shouts. „What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Josh opens his mouth to speak but Tyler beats him to it. „What are you playing at? What kind of sick game is this?”

„It's- It's not-”

„Then _what_!?” Tyler yells and punches the wall right next to Josh's head. The drummer flinches and squeezes his eyes shut. „Then what?” The younger man repeats quietly, lowering his voice to whisper again. „You're sulking for weeks, you're jealous about my relationship with Jenna, you confess that you're in love with me, you _fucking_ promise to wait for me until I get my _shit_ together and now you're literally forcing me to stay with her... What is this? Have you suddenly changed your mind?”

„I'm sorry.” Josh chokes out. „I just realized how good she is to you and how unfair of me it was to... to try-” He stops and takes a shaky breath. „I'm sorry. I was being selfish and- You're better off with her. She can give you so much more, she can give you so many things I will never be able to give you. She's nice and… And beautiful... And she's such a good person. I don't know how could I- How could I even expect something like that from you?” He opens his eyes and gives Tyler a watery, apologetic look. „I'm so sorry for messing with your feelings like this. I should have never said anything. I can do _nothing_ right, I only leave a big mess everywhere I go. I ruined Debby's life and I've almost ruined yours. You're still good, there's still time for you to back off. Please, Tyler... Please forget about everything that happened, I made a mistake, _please_ , I can't let you leave her, I can’t let it happen. I'm sorry for kissing you, I'm-”

He gets cut off by a warm hand on his cheek and a pair of lips on his own. The touch is gentle and hesitant but it definitely counts as a _kiss_. He lets himself kiss back – once - barely moving his mouth, and when Tyler pulls away it's almost like Josh was imagining things. His eyes are closed again and he doesn't want to open them in case everything was just an illusion. There's a thumb stroking the skin under his eye and the feeling of another forehead pressing against his. 

„Well, I’m _not_ sorry.”

„Tyler...” 

He should feel butterflies and fireworks but instead, his stomach is being ripped apart by the guilt and realization that Jenna is literally in the room next door. _This is wrong_ , he thinks. _This is so wrong._

„You don't see it, do you?” Tyler's breath ghosts over Josh's lips. „The way you describe her. You don't see that you're talking about yourself too. You're so good to me, you've always been. You've always been by my side and every day you make me a better person.” Tyler sighs and licks his lips but doesn’t move. „And I'm speaking the truth when I say that I love her but the idea of marrying her seems wrong. I love her because I've spent so much time with her and we're always on the same page but she deserves someone better, you know? She really does. And you deserve that too.” Tyler says and Josh looks up. Their noses bump together and the singer looks him straight in the eyes. „You deserve all the good things and it's me who's sorry, Josh. I'm sorry I'm making you wait, I'm sorry I'm such a coward, I'm sorry. But believe me, I think about it all the time. I can’t sleep because I always _think_. And I will do it, I'll come clean with everyone. I will. Just… Please, Josh…”

Josh is shaking. He swallows nervously and lifts his arm, covering the hand on his cheek with his own. Tyler's other hand travels to the back of Josh's neck and it guides Josh's head until the drummer's face is tucked in the crook of Tyler's neck. 

„You don’t have to.” Josh sniffs. „You don’t have to. It’s my fault, I shouldn’t have-”

„Stop it. _Please_.” Tyler says and Josh can feel the vibrations of his throat. „Give me time. I need more time. Just a little bit longer.”

„I’m ready to wait as long as you need me to.” The drummer says quietly. „But I need to be sure that you really want this. I can back off if you don’t. We can forget about it and move on like nothing ever happened. I’ll understand, Tyler. I really will. I took you by surprise and it was really unfair of me to do so. I messed with your head and now you keep questioning everything and...”

„Josh...”

„I don’t want Jenna to get hurt.” Josh whimpers.

„Look.” Tyler sighs and guides them to the bed. He makes Josh sit down at the edge of the mattress and kneels down between his legs. He takes Josh’s hands in his and looks him in the eyes. „If I say _no_ to her, she will get hurt. If I say _no_ to you, you’ll get hurt. There’s no good way out of this.” Tyler says. Josh tilts his head back, looks up at the ceiling and blinks quickly. „Josh, no. Look at me. Hey. Look at me. Please, don’t blame yourself.”

„There’s no one else to blame. I’ve pulled out one rock and caused a massive avalanche that keeps destroying everything on its way.”

„It’s not true.” The younger man shakes his head and wraps his arms around Josh’s waist. He rests his forehead against the drummer’s chest. „We will work it out. _I will_ work it out. I promise.”

Josh wipes his face.

„I’m sorry, I’m such a mess.” He whispers and runs his fingers through Tyler’s dark hair.

„It’s okay. We both are.”

They stay like that, with Tyler’s head pressing against Josh’s ribcage and the drummer’s hand playing with Tyler’s fluffy locks, until the singer’s phone starts buzzing again in the back pocket of his jeans and there’s a knock on the bedroom door.


	14. Chapter 14

The bedroom door opens five seconds after Tyler gets to his feet and takes a step back from Josh. Jenna sticks her head through the door and looks inside. 

„Are you guys okay?” She asks, glancing at Tyler who moves closer to the window and fishes his phone out of the pocket of his jeans. After rolling his eyes, he declines the call. „I think I heard yelling.”

„We’re fine.” Josh says, carefully looking at the singer. „Too many emotions.”

„Yeah.” Tyler agrees and turns around to look at his girlfriend. „We’re fine. What’s up?”

„Well...” Jenna hesitates, stepping further into the room. „Since both of you will be brainstorming now and we, girls, have nothing better to do, I thought I could take her out for a walk?”

„No!” The drummer shouts, standing up and shaking his head. „No, please. It will be like adding fuel to the fire. There’s too much going on right now. I don’t want anyone to see you. Besides, apparently, our stroller’s brand brings too much unwanted attention.”

„Josh, we will be fine. They don’t care about me, they’ve never had. I’ll be just a girl with a stroller, alone, without _celebrities_ by my side. Besides, I think you underestimate my ability to go incognito.” She says and disappears in the hallway. 

Josh glances at Tyler who only shrugs and continues tapping something on his phone. Five minutes later, Jenna appears in the bedroom again. Josh’s eyebrows shot up to the ceiling and Tyler snorts at the sight. She’s wearing her running shoes, black leggings and a tight, bright-pink sleeveless top that perfectly shapes her breasts. She borrowed one of Josh’s plain black basketball caps, her hair is tied in a ponytail and there are dark sunglasses covering half of her face. She has a fanny pack around her waist and a small bottle of water in her hand. 

„Well...” Josh starts but doesn’t really know what would be the best way to describe her outfit. She looks like a completely different person.

„This is-” Tyler clears his throat and rubs the back of his neck. „-weird? You never go out in public like that.”

„Exactly!” Jenna shouts excitedly, turning around and shaking her hips. „Just another LA fit-mom, taking her bundle of joy out for an active walk.”

„I’m still not sure if you should go out.” Josh says, still hesitating. 

„But I’m sure that you need some peace and quiet.” Jenna sighs. „This is a serious situation and you should avoid distractions. Having a babbling infant around will not be helpful. I promise, she will be safe with me. So? Do I have a permission to take her for a walk?”

„Will you charge me for babysitting later?” Josh asks after a long pause. 

„Probably.”

„Okay, I guess?” The drummer exhales. „Just be careful, please? And if you notice someone suspiciously looking, please get back home immediately. There’s a tiny park- well, it’s not really a park, just an alley with a few big trees – three blocks away from here, you can take her there. Before you go out, put a sunscreen on her face, it’s in the bathroom on the top shelf where I keep all baby products. Dress her lightly but take some extra clothes with you just in case, and her blanket. And a bottle of water in case she’s thirsty. If she falls asleep put the cloth over the hood and-” He looks up to see both of them staring at him - Jenna with an amused expression on her face and Tyler, with wide heart-eyes and a love-struck teenager’s smile. „What?” He asks.

„You're an amazing father. Who would have thought.” Jenna grins. „I will do everything exactly like you told me. We're going out! Girly walk. We're gonna gossip a lot and spy on hot LA guys.” She winks and leaves the bedroom with the drummer hot on her heels. 

Josh keeps an eye on Jenna's actions until she leaves the apartment and closes the door behind her. He stays in the hallway for a while, looking at the front door and sighs. 

A warm hand touches his shoulder and squeezes it gently.

„They will be fine.” Tyler's quiet voice reaches his ears. „She’s always careful and Izzy really likes her.”

„I know.” Josh nods. „I'm just... I'm just worried.”

„You know she can throw a quite good punch if she needs to.” The singer chuckles. 

„I hope she won't have to.”

„Yeah... Come on. Brainstorming time.”

Tyler leads them to the living room and sets Josh's laptop in front of them on the coffee table. He searches for the newest articles about Josh, ignoring the drummer's protests. _If we want to release any statement, we have to know what they’re saying about you_ , Tyler says. _I've read only two articles but I know there's many more. If any of them tells a lie, we have to know how to approach the subject_. With a heavy sigh, Josh agrees. Of course Tyler is right - it would be stupid to only say: _yes, it's true_ and blindly confirm everything the journalists have written so far. 

They read every single article and catch details that seem to bring the most of the attention. There are a lot of speculations about the mother and one of the articles directly mentions Debby as the other parent. There are no words such as: _probably_ or _there's no confirmation_. It simply says: _Congratulations to Josh Dun and his partner Debby Ryan on becoming parents!_

Josh almost has a panic attack in the middle of his own living room. _It's impossible_ , he thinks. _They don't know. They can't know_. Because Debby is not his partner anymore and not many people know about her being the mother: only their parents, Tyler, Jenna, Ashley... It’s not possible that any of them leaked this information to the press.

Tyler's phone buzzes again and he curses under his breath.

„Who keeps calling you all the time?” Josh asks, distracting himself from reading the article.

„It doesn't matter.”

„ _Tyler_.”

„Fueled.” Tyler mumbles quietly and bites his lip. 

„What do they want?”

„They want us to confirm that the next album is still happening.”

„Why...?” Josh frowns, feeling that there's something Tyler is not telling him. 

„It's nothing, don't worry.” The younger man says, smiling briefly and focusing on the computer screen again.

Josh moves to shut the laptop in front of his face and Tyler is quick enough to take his hands back before his fingers get smashed by the lid.

„What are you not telling me?” The drummer demands, turning to take a better look at his best friend, still keeping his hand on the computer. „They want to know because...?”

„Josh, it's not important.”

„ _Tyler_.”

„Because otherwise, they will sue us for failing to comply with contract specifications and kick us off the label!” Tyler says with frustration.

The silence that falls between them is interrupted only by the ticking of the clock and the noise of the street coming through the open windows.

„You're kidding, right?” Josh asks after a long pause and Tyler shakes his head. „Are they even allowed to do that? They knew we were going to take a break after the tour was over!”

„Yes. But now they think that we tricked them and we’re taking a break because you have a secret child.” The singer rests his back against the backrest of the couch. „We've dropped _Blurryface_ without taking any break after promoting _Vessel_ and they have expected us to do the same thing now. Mike is furious because we haven't told him anything and now he found out about Izzy from the Internet. He’s furious because we're one of the top-selling Fueled’s artists and the label is making giant money thanks to us. They're expecting another Grammy-winning piece and they're pissed off that they have to wait for it.” Tyler sighs. „Mike thinks that we won't be able to record another album because you have a kid.”

Josh’s breath catches in his throat. 

„How many times has he called you so far?”

„A few.”

„Why didn't you tell me earlier?” He asks angrily.

„Earlier _when_?”

„I don't know! Maybe when he called you the first time!?” Josh raises his voice.

„I didn't want to stress you out even more.” Tyler says, looking at him with an apologetic expression on his face.

„You should have told me.”

„Are you seriously mad at me for not wanting to tell you?”

„Yes!” Josh stands up and starts pacing around the room. He runs his fingers through his hair and tugs at it nervously. He knows it’s getting too long. „Because this is between me and them and they should not harass _you_!”

„Well, you turned off your phone!”

„ _Well_ , you told me to!”

„Okay... Okay. STOP!” Tyler shouts and Josh shuts up, surprised by the outburst. „Stop. Let's calm down. This is, honestly, the dumbest argument we've ever had. I know you need a stress release but arguing and shouting at each other is, like, the worst possible option. Go beat the hell out of your drums until you’re about to pass out and then come back so we can _talk_.”

Josh slumps down on the sofa on the opposite side of the room and rests his elbows on his knees. He hangs his head in shame.

„I'm sorry.” He says quietly and hides his face behind his hands.

A loud sigh and the soft sound of bare feet padding on the living room floor reaches Josh's ears and the sofa dips under another weight a few seconds later. Tyler bumps their shoulders together and the drummer looks up at him.

„It's okay, Josh.” Tyler smiles. „It's gonna be okay. We just need a good chronological plan and we gotta try not to mess this up. You have to decide who do you want to talk to first. Your family, the crew, Fueled or the fans.” He says. „You also need to decide how will you do that. Do you want to call the label? Do a video chat? Send them an email? See them in person? And then the fans. Official statement? Yes or no? On the band's site, Twitter or Instagram? Are we mentioning Debby or leaving her out of this? Do you want to show Izzy to the world or not? _This_ is what we need to think about.”

„That's... a lot.” Josh swallows. 

„I know. But I'm here and I'll be by your side all the time if you need me to.”

„I'm scared.” 

„It's okay to be scared. I know it's overwhelming. But look at you. _You've made it this far, kid._ You're brave and strong. Many guys wouldn't be able to take a simple step in your shoes. Hell, they would be dead after walking a mile. And you? You're doing so well.” Tyler says and takes Josh's hand. „Imagine this whole situation as the stairs: you're still climbing and you're still pushing forward. Dealing with all of this will end up with the reward of taking another step up. One after talking to the label, another one after talking to the fans, another after talking to the crew... And I'm ready to climb these stairs with you and watch your back so you never feel like taking a step back down again. And when you finally reach the top and look around, you’ll understand that it was worth it.”

„Is it really worth climbing? What’s on the top of the stairs?”

„A happy ending.”

„Are you in it?” 

Tyler smiles, brings their joined hands to his mouth and kisses Josh knuckles.

„You bet I am.”

 

After a half an hour of sitting on the sofa and staring at the floor frozen like a statue, with Tyler's hand clasped tightly with his own, Josh makes his decision: _Fueled by Ramen_ , he says, taking a deep nervous breath, _I want to talk to the label first_ , which makes Tyler nod frantically, bring their joined hands to his mouth again and place another gentle kiss on Josh's skin. _Okay_ , he murmurs, _if that's what you want_. 

Josh almost laughs because no, he doesn't _want_ to. But he _needs_ to - he _has_ to - until this is just the beginning of the storm, until the size of the damage should be still easy to fix. He rests his head on Tyler's shoulder and closes his eyes, breathing deeply. 

He's aware of the fact how strict people from the label are, how strict they're always been when it comes to contracts - especially Mike, who has been promoted to President of Fueled By Ramen. There’s something almost tyrannical in the way he acts and treats people, making sure that things always go as he planned them. It feels like having too controlling parents who watch everything you do and if you screw up, you can be sure there will be consequences. 

He's still not sure how he will be able to make everything work: how he will be able to take care of his daughter and play in the band. But the thought of leaving Twenty One Pilots suddenly makes him sick. He's torn because leaving the band would mean having more time for his daughter but at the same time - disappointing the Clique. But it’s not only about their fans: leaving would mainly mean disappointing Tyler who has worked so hard to bring the band to the point where they are now. It would mean ruining his best friend's dreams - his life - because he would rather end his career than go solo or find another drummer. Josh knows him too well, he knows how the singer's mind works. 

So he's ready to push himself - he knows he needs to talk to the label and make them believe that he's not giving up and they can expect the new album even if it meant no sleeping and no eating. It's also time to speak to his family and introduce Izzy to those who still don't know her. He wants to talk to his mother again, even if it meant locking himself up with her in one room and making her listen. He would lie if he said that he doesn't miss her. And he still needs to find the right way to approach the crew and the fans. 

Josh knows one thing: he wants to do this as fast as possible and explain himself to as many people as he can. Like ripping off one huge band-aid. 

 

There's a puff of a warm air right next to his ear and someone repeats his name a couple of times. He doesn't want to talk so he lets out a disapproving noise and snuggles closer to the pillow. But then, the pillow _giggles_ and it's enough for him to open his eyes. 

He realizes that somehow he managed to wrap himself around Tyler like an octopus, pressing himself to the singer's side with his legs thrown over Tyler's thighs and his face squished somewhere between the crook of Tyler's neck and his shoulder. He jumps up and shuffles back on the sofa like the younger man's skin is a red-hot iron.

„Sorry.” He mumbles, blinking quickly.

Tyler laughs again.

„Hey, welcome back.”

„How long was I out?” Josh asks, still too shocked to think straight. He rubs his eyes until his vision sharpens.

„Not long. About twenty minutes maybe.” Tyler says. „Jenna texted to say that they're on their way back now.”

„Oh. Okay.” The drummer scratches the back of his neck. „Sorry again.”

„It's fine. You've been thinking a lot, huh? Even when you were sleeping, you had a really troubled face.”

„So you were watching me sleep?”

„Maybe.” He says, smirking. „But you're such a _cute napper_ , I couldn't help myself.”

Josh groans and rolls his eyes.

 

Josh walks out of the living room at the same time when Jenna enters the apartment pushing the stroller with one hand and holding Izzy with the other. He furrows his brows and steps closer to the girl, taking his daughter. Jenna breathes deeply and swipes the sweat off her forehead.

„What’s wrong?” He asks, looking down at Izzy, who pushes her fist inside her mouth and drools all over her hand. 

„Nothing’s wrong.” Jenna says, exhaling and kicking off her shoes. „She just got bored of lying down and I had to carry her all the way back. She turns out to be not exactly as light as she seems when you have to carry her for longer than five minutes. She started to cry every time I tried to put her down.”

„Yeah, thank your boyfriend for that.” Josh scoffs. „He’s been spoiling her too much. Have you seen the list on the fridge? The rule number four is underlined for a reason but somehow is also constantly broken. I have to deal with her tantrums every time he leaves because she demands to be carried everywhere.”

When Tyler leaves the bathroom and his eyes land on the people in the hallway, he wipes his hands on his t-shirt and quickly crosses the hallway with a big smile on his face, immediately reaching out to take Izzy. Josh takes a step back at the same time when Jenna takes a step forward, shielding Josh and Izzy with her whole body.

„No!” They yell at the same time and Tyler stops dead in his tracks with a confused expression on his face.

„What’s going on? What’s wrong?” He asks, alarmed.

„ _You are_ what’s wrong.” Jenna says, crossing her arms over her chest. „You’re a bad influence.” 

„A bad- _What_? What are you talking about?”

Josh walks past him without a word and turns to the living room. He makes Izzy sit on the carpet and takes two steps back. She looks confused at first but when she understands that she just got left on her own, she lets out a long whine and starts crying. Josh picks her up again and she immediately calms down but when he puts her on the floor again a few seconds later, the history repeats. 

Josh glares at him and Tyler blushes, looking at the crying infant.

„Number four, Tyler.”

„She’s just a child!” He defends himself, throwing his hands in the air. „She… She can’t even walk yet, how is she supposed to move anywhere? And she’s… She’s cute, I just- I can’t resist! Look at her! How can you even refuse her?”

„You’re teaching her how to terrorize people!” Jenna says and Josh is suddenly very grateful that she’s taking his side. „She needs to learn how to crawl.”

„You’re banned from carrying her.” Josh says, crouching down beside Izzy and trying to distract her with toys. 

Tyler opens his mouth to speak. His jaw moves but he can let any words out.

„You can’t do that to _me_!” He chokes out eventually. 

„I definitely can.” 

„Josh, don’t be like that!” Tyler whines. „Jenna, you can’t be against me as well!”

„You’re his best friend, Ty.” She starts. „You should understand that you’re supposed to do everything you can to make his life easier, not more difficult. By spoiling Izzy, you turn her into a little rebel. I know she’s cute and innocent but Josh was right to come up with the rules. And _we_ should respect them.”

„Thank you, Jen.” The drummer says and looks at Tyler. He’s surprised to see a genuine sadness in the singer’s eyes. When Tyler notices that Josh is looking at him, he tries to give the older man his best puppy eyes and Josh knows he’s gonna break sooner than later. „Okay.” He sighs eventually. _Definitely sooner then_. „You can only pick her up when it’s necessary. Besides that, when it’s her play time, she’s playing _on the floor_ , not _in your arms_.”

„Sir, yes, sir!” Tyler grins and salutes.

„You’re so weird.” Josh shakes his head and looks at the clock. „It actually may be a good time for her to eat-” Before he finishes the sentence, Tyler’s already picking up Izzy and carrying her to the kitchen, whispering in her ear. „-something.” Josh mumbles under his breath and Jenna laughs behind his back. „The rule still won’t work, will it?” He asks, looking at her.

„I don’t think so.” She says and they follow Tyler to the kitchen. „So… Have you made any decisions while we were gone?”

„Yes.” Josh says, reaching for an avocado while Tyler bounces Izzy on his hip. „All of them.”

„Really?” The singer frowns, confused. „I thought we’ve only made one.”

„I know what I want to do.” He peels off the skin, removes the seed and quickly smashes a half of the fruit in a bowl. He waits until Tyler puts Izzy in a high chair and buckles the straps. Then, he passes him the bowl, knowing that Tyler would never miss feeding her. 

„Okay, this is new. How do I do this?”

„Like you would spoon-feed any other person.” Josh shrugs. „Just don’t push the whole thing into her mouth. Every time try to lift the spoon upward so her upper lip sweeps off the food. She doesn’t really understand yet what swallowing means so most of the food will probably land back on you but yeah, we have to start somewhere.”

Josh joins Jenna at the table and for a few minutes, they quietly watch Tyler’s struggles and the growing mess around him. 

„So, what’s the plan?” Jenna asks, tapping her fingers against the table.

„I want to talk to the label first.” Josh says. „Preferably face to face. It wouldn’t feel right to talk about this on the phone. Then, my family. I could fly from New York to Columbus. Next, the crew. Maybe we could set up a meeting with the guys somewhere in Ohio. And then, the Clique. I still don’t know what kind of announcement I should make but it would be probably the best if I wrote something on the official site.” He sighs. „I’m terrified but I want to be finally done with everything. I just want to live my life and have this whole drama behind me.”

„Sounds reasonably.” Jenna nods. 

„I still don’t know what to do with Izzy, though.”

„What do you mean, _what to do with Izzy_?” Tyler asks with a frown. „She’s coming with us.”

„With… _us_?”

„Of course.”

„Can you even imagine traveling on the plane with her?” 

„Surprisingly, I can.” Tyler smiles and turns to look at his girlfriend. „Jenna, can you look up flights to New York, please? Three adults, one child.”

„Tyler...” 

„We’re in this together, remember?” The singer grins, leaning towards Izzy, making a plane sound when the spoon travels to her mouth.

„I do... but-”

One second after the food lands in her mouth, Izzy sneezes and everyone freezes. Jenna cracks up first, looking up from her phone and clasping her hand over her mouth to muffle the laughter. Josh chuckles but then he can’t stop himself anymore and he laughs loudly, throwing his head back and clutching his stomach with his hands. Izzy looks at her father and starts giggling too, hitting her open palms against the tray. 

Tyler leans back with a murderous glare and looks at Josh and Jenna, who only start to laugh harder, wiping their eyes. He tries to clean his face with his hand but ends up smearing the green puree even more on his cheeks. 

He sighs, looks at the mess on his t-shirt and then at Izzy.

„Bless you, I guess.”


	15. Chapter 15

He wakes up with a weight on his chest. _Someone_ babbles loudly and pulls on his hair. The first tug is gentle - barely there – but another one makes him wince in pain. A tiny hand pats his chin and something wet lands on his cheek.

Josh opens one eye to be met face to face with his daughter whose saliva is dripping down from her mouth onto his face. He squeezes his eyes shut and scowls when another drop hits his skin somewhere next to his nose.

„Eww...” He catches her under the armpits and gently flips her over, making her lie on her back next to him. He wipes his face, props himself up on his elbow and looks down at her. „How can you be so cute but so gross at the same time, I will never understand.”

„Like father, like daughter.”

Josh turns his head and notices Tyler, sitting at the edge of the bed with a big smile on his face. He shuffles closer to them and lies down on his stomach on the opposite side of the mattress. 

„Me? Gross?”

„Well, it wasn’t me who used to eat ants to impress girls.”

„I ate an ant in your presence too. Do you consider yourself a girl?” Josh chuckles.

„Not really. But I must admit that I was pretty impressed.” Tyler grins. „Still gross though. Hi.”

„Hi. Where's Jenna?”

„Out. Jogging.”

Josh hums and looks down at his daughter again. She’s babbling and squealing, looking from Josh to Tyler with the happiest expression on her face, like she's amazed that they're both so close to her. She's dressed in her yellow/black-striped bodysuit that makes her look like a giant bee.

„Hello, angel. Hi, good morning!” Josh kisses her forehead. „Did you sleep well? Yes? I’m glad you did.”

He playfully pokes her belly and tickles her bare thighs, making her giggle and kick her feet in the air. The creature rolls onto her stomach, copying Tyler's position and looks around, holding her head up high. She reaches out to Tyler and puts her tiny hand on his chin. The singer leans down and puts a loud, sloppy kiss on her open palm, and she smiles widely. He kisses her hand a few more times until she rolls onto her back again.

„You're so adorable.” Tyler says, unable to take his eyes off her.

„I can't believe she'll be seven months soon.”

„Yeah. Before you blink, you'll be sending her to school.”

„Oh no, no. Stop. I don't even want to think about it.” Josh shakes his head and offers Izzy his finger. She wraps both of her hands around it and tries to bring it to her mouth. Josh tries to resist and they wrestle like this for a little while, while Izzy squeals with delight. 

„I heard you talking to Debby last night.” Tyler says, after watching them for a while.

„Yeah.”

„How did it go?”

„She's panicking. She saw the same article claiming that she's the mother. She's terrified.”

Tyler snorts.

„I bet she is. But you are too. And she chose the easy way out, hiding like a coward. At least you're not ashamed of your own child and you're brave enough to face the world.” He says. Josh sighs heavily and the singer looks up at him with a frown. „What?”

There's a tiny spark of anger growing in Josh’s chest. The drummer nibbles on his bottom lip for a long few seconds just to calm himself down before he speaks again.

„Why are you like this? Why do you hate her? I don't want you to hate her.” He says quietly, keeping his eyes on Izzy.

„I- I don't-” 

„I know you do. You've never liked her. You've never approved of our relationship.”

„But it doesn't mean-”

„I know what happened between the two of you after Debs and I started dating, she told me.” Josh says firmly. „She said it's okay, she said that she understands why you did that but I know she's still upset. She never wanted to have you as her enemy.”

„Oh.”

„Yeah.”

„Look, Josh-”

„She's never given you a reason to be treated like this. Why would you be so cold towards her?”

„I just- I just wanted to protect you from- from a heartbreak.” Tyler stutters and avoids Josh's gaze.

„So you decided that threatening her and acting like an A-class dick every time she was around would be a good idea?” Josh hisses. The tension grows and the nice atmosphere of the morning is suddenly gone.

„I'm sorry.”

„I'm not the one who you should apologize to.” Josh says, sitting up and picking up Izzy, placing her on his chest and getting up from the bed. „I've told you everything. Izzy's appearance is the fault of both of us. Mostly mine because I was stupid enough to get drunk, kiss Debby at this stupid party and invite her back to my hotel room. Taking Izzy was my decision. I don't blame Debby for anything and you know it, yet you still treat her like the worst human being and I'm honestly getting tired of it. I still love her, she's still my _best friend_ and most importantly, she's the mother of my child even if she doesn't feel like one. So I won't let anyone, _especially you_ , give her crap for being who she is and feeling what she feels. You don't know her, Tyler. You've never known her - you've never bothered to get to know her. You simply created this image of her in your head and made her look like the worst _slut_ because you believed gossips more than what she had to say.” He continues, moving towards the door. „You always say that it's me who trusts people and gets attached to them too easily. No Tyler, I simply try to get to know them before I judge them. You judge them before you hear a single sentence coming from their mouth, you let the first impression do the job. And for this, Tyler, I truly _hate_ you.”

As soon as the words leave his mouth he takes a shaky breath and rubs his hand over his face. He doesn't remember the last time he fired the words so fast and with such venom. He shakes his head and leaves the room, kissing Izzy's temple. 

He didn't mean to snap at the younger man or start drama so early in the morning but he's tired of people blaming Debby about everything, he's tired of the silent hate Tyler feels towards her. Josh's patience has its boundaries too. 

He turns to the kitchen and buckles Izzy up in her rocker. He takes her teething ring out of the fridge and gives it to her. He's about to reach inside the cabinet for one of the cereal boxes but then Tyler's voice comes from the doorway and startles him.

„I was jealous.” Tyler admits. 

„What?” Josh asks, not turning around. He grips the edge of the counter until his knuckles turn white.

„Jealous. I was jealous, okay?”

„ _Jealous_.” The drummer repeats dumbly.

„Yes. Jealous.” Tyler sighs. „There was something... from the start. I just didn't know what it was that I felt for you. But I was jealous of your relationship with her. I thought it was because you were spending so much time with her, I thought that you were replacing me. I was... scared.”

„This doesn't justify you. I was scared too, you know?” Josh says quietly and finally turns around looking at the singer who keeps hovering in the doorway. „When you met Jenna, when you announced that she's your girlfriend, when you kept disappearing with her every chance you got.” He shrugs. „I was scared because I was already too deeply in love with you and I thought I wouldn't be able to handle even looking at you two. But when you love someone, you need to let them go, I guess. I let you go but I let Jenna in. And she turned out to be the nicest girl. I gave her a chance, I let her introduce herself, I let her prove that she's worth _your_ time. And you were so happy with her so I supported your relationship as much as I could. I gave Jenna the chance because she deserved it - like everyone deserves it - and I don't regret it but you've never given it to Debby. She knew that you were my best friend and she tried so hard to impress you - to prove herself to you. I was so mad at myself for loving you when I knew I loved her too and my heart kept breaking all over again when I watched her face falling every time you turned the other way when she tried to talk to you.” Josh says. For once in his life, he feels confident about words coming out of his mouth. „I always pretended like it’s not true, I kept playing dumb, I used to say: _hey, don’t worry, he likes you, it’s just Tyler, this is his nature_. But she knew. Of course she knew, how could she not know when you were always so cold towards her? If I didn't have those stupid feelings for you, I would never break up with her. But I felt guilty. Every day, every time I was with her, my mind would eventually wander to you and it was so unfair. The guilt was eating me up. It felt like I was cheating on her over and over again. And I'm not a cheater, Tyler. If I couldn't be with you, I couldn't be with her either. So I broke up with her and I told her why. And you know what she said? She said: _I understand. I just want you to be happy_. And when she was moving her things out of my flat, she laughed and said: _at least Tyler will be satisfied that we're not together anymore_. And I started to wonder how could I even fall in love with such a _dickhead_ like you and how could I let myself turn into one as well. How could I let such a perfect girl go because I fell in love with someone who doesn't even feel the same. I tried so hard to forget about my ridiculous crush on you but after all these years, you're still here...” He points his finger to his head. „...all the freaking time.”

„Josh...” Saying the drummer's name is enough to cause a major crack in Tyler's voice. He tries again and takes a step forward.

„Don't. Just don't.”

„Josh, I'm sorry.” Tyler invades his personal space and Josh takes a step back, causing the edge of the counter press against his lower back. The singer reaches out to him, aiming for his face but Josh slaps his hands away. The hurt flashes in Tyler's eyes but he doesn't give up: he catches Josh's wrists and pushes them down, pressing them close to the drummer's chest. „I. Am. Sorry.” Tyler repeats slowly. „Yes, it was unfair of me to treat Debby like that. And yes, I know you've always been anything but sweet to Jenna. I screwed up, okay? I know I did. But you have to believe me, Josh. I wasn't myself. I was jealous. I was jealous and I didn't even know what that meant and why I was feeling like that. But now I know and I understand.” Tyler nods, releases one of Josh's wrists and brings his hand up to stroke the drummer's cheek. „I understand where the jealousy was coming from.”

The singer's fingers sneak to the back of Josh's neck and Tyler brings their mouths together. But the anger is still fresh so the drummer doesn't kiss back. Instead, Josh tries to push him away, gently at first, but when Tyler doesn't get the hint, Josh turns his head the other way, facing the wall.

„Stop.” He growls and pushes Tyler away again. The younger man stumbles two steps back and looks at Josh with a confused frown.

„What?”

„We can't.”

„What do you mean, _we can't_?”

„Until you're with Jenna, we _fucking_ can't.”

„You didn't seem to mind when you kissed me for the first time and you didn't seem to mind when I kissed you yesterday. What changed?” He asks with anger but Josh doesn't answer. He avoids Tyler's gaze, clenching his jaw. „Oh, so you’re not talking now? I swear to God, Josh... I don't understand you anymore!” Tyler yells and throws his hands in the air, letting out a frustrated groan while Josh wordlessly picks up Izzy and leaves the kitchen.

 

He's in the middle of reading _Little Red Riding Hood_ to Izzy who sits between his open legs with her back pressed against his chest when there's an almost unnoticeable knock on the nursery door and Jenna slips inside. She smiles at the creature and walks over to Josh. She's wearing fresh clothes and her hair looks damp - Josh realizes that she probably came back from her run a little while ago and she just finished showering.

„Any idea why Tyler is sulking on the living room floor, playing the same chord on his ukulele over and over again, blankly staring at the wall and _not talking_ to me?” Jenna asks, sitting down on the floor close to them and crossing her legs.

„No.” Josh mumbles, staring at the book.

„You guys had a fight while I was gone, didn't you?”

„Maybe.” 

„Will you at least be fine to sit on the plane next to each other?”

„I don't know.” Josh shrugs and Jenna sighs. 

„What was it about this time?”

„Stuff.”

„Oh?” 

„Yeah.”

„Have you packed?”

„No.”

„Then what are you waiting for? We're supposed to leave to the airport in three hours.”

„I know.”

„Dear Lord, I love how talkative you both are this morning.” Jenna scoffs. She takes the book from his hands, places Izzy in her own lap and kicks him out of the nursery. „Go pack. I’m not rescheduling the flight.” 

 

On the way to his bedroom, a faint sound of the ukulele reaches his ears. Jenna was right – Tyler keeps playing the same chord, probably unconsciously. He has the tendency to do the same thing over and over again when he’s deep in thought – whether it’s tapping his fingers, playing chords or spinning a pen around his thumb. 

Without thinking too much, Josh enters his bedroom and closes the door behind him. His suitcase is not that hard to find since he always keeps in on the bottom shelf of his wardrobe. He leaves it open on the bed and stares at his clothes. He doesn’t know how long the trip will last but he doesn’t want to take much, so he packs only the most necessary things.

His eyes wander to the photo of Izzy that he keeps on his bedside table and he suddenly realizes that he’s not traveling alone this time. _I’m so stupid_ , he thinks, pushing his things aside and making more room for Izzy’s clothes. 

He walks back to the nursery (he can still hear the sound of the ukulele but this time there are different chords and it actually sounds more like a song), smiles when he sees that girls switched to reading _The Ugly Duckling_ now (Josh is still impressed with the fact that Izzy is actually interested in stories and sits still while listening to them) and opens the wardrobe. 

„Oh God.” He groans.

„What’s wrong?” Jenna looks up and meets his gaze.

„I just realized how many things this little brat actually needs. There’s no way I’m gonna fit everything in one suitcase. Because it’s not only clothes! What about diapers? And wipes! And all her cosmetics? And accessories and milk and...” He takes a deep breath and looks at the clock. _I need to to get rid of the habit of the last minute packing_. „And the stroller! Jenna, where am I even supposed to put the stroller?”

„Stop panicking!” She says loudly and he stops rambling. „Look, pack whatever you can. If something doesn’t fit, we still have a little bit of free space left in our suitcases so we can take some things too. You’re allowed to have a carry-on on the flight so just throw the most necessary things in there. If you run out of diapers or wipes, you can buy those in New York. We can find a store after we settle in our rooms and buy whatever you need. Pack only the amount of things that will let her survive the flight and the journey to the hotel.”

„Oh. That… That sounds good. And it actually makes sense.” Josh smiles. „How are you so good at this?”

„I used to travel a lot with my sister and her kids when they were Izzy’s age. I’ve seen a lot.”

„What about the stroller again?”

„They will accept it as checked luggage.”

„Oh.”

„I have a lot to teach you about traveling with a baby, don’t I?” Jenna laughs.

„You do. You’re a saint, Jenna. Thank you so much.” 

He grabs a whole bunch of Izzy’s clothes and runs back to his bedroom. After leaving the nursery, he bumps into Tyler who tries to walk inside the room. The singer picks up a romper that Josh dropped and hands it to him, not even looking up. _Thanks_ , the drummer mumbles coldly and walks away with heart thundering in his chest.

 

He successfully packs everything in time. He also manages to avoid putting Izzy down for her first nap so she can sleep on the plane (Jenna’s advice) and keep her awake on their way to the airport even if she’s fussy and annoyed when her father tries to shake her awake every time her eyelids start to droop during their Uber ride.

He doesn’t talk to Tyler and Tyler doesn’t talk to him and Jenna has to speak more than usual just to avoid too many awkward moments of silence. 

„The plan remains the same.” She says, searching through her bag. „At the airport, we split up. I’m getting on the plane first, taking Izzy with me and placing her carrier in the seat by the window. Josh comes next. Tyler waits and joins us as the last one. Hopefully, it will reduce getting recognized to the minimum.” She hands Josh his boarding pass. „Even if you get recognized, Izzy won’t be there with you.”

„What if they ask about her?”

„ _Well, hello there, I’d love to stay and chat but I’m about to board a plane so... bye. See you never._ ”

Tyler snorts under his breath and Josh hides his smirk, facing the other way.

 

No one recognizes him. He hides his hair under a beanie and keeps his gaze down most of the time. 

When he finally finds the girls, Jenna shuffles two seats away so Josh can sit next to Izzy. She doesn’t move when Tyler appears next to her, eyeing the empty spot between her and the drummer. Josh notices their silent conversation and Tyler’s wordless plea of _please, move so I don’t have to sit next to him_. But Jenna stubbornly stays where she is and Tyler has no other option than to sit next to Josh. 

Jenna leans over Tyler and pats Josh in the thigh.

„Don't let her sleep yet. Tire her out to the maximum. You will have to hold her in your arms during take-off anyway.”

„I honestly don't know if she can handle being awake for another fifteen minutes. She's totally pissed off. Definitely ready to start screaming her head off.” Josh says, sitting Izzy down on his legs and fishing his phone out of his pocket. He opens the YouTube app and chooses the first random cartoon he can find. 

Izzy loses her interest in the show after a few minutes and starts crying not long after. Josh panics. Being judged by other passengers is the last thing he needs right now. He knows that parents traveling with infants are always the most hated people.

„It's okay.” He whispers, rocking her in his arms. „It's okay, baby. It's okay.”

The movement makes her close her eyes and before Josh can react, she's out like a light, breathing calmly and sucking on her pacifier. She's too exhausted to even wake up when the pressure changes during take off. He puts her back in her carrier once the plane finds the steady path and he breathes out. Five hours to go. Two hours of the calm before the storm and three more of keeping the six-month-old infant occupied. _Oh, it's gonna be fun._

For the first hour he keeps himself busy with listening to music while Tyler watches a movie and Jenna decides to clean up the contents of her phone. 

Sometime during the flight, when Josh slowly dozes off, he feels a familiar hand slipping in his own in the space between their legs. He tenses but doesn't open his eyes. Tyler laces their fingers together and gives Josh's hand a gentle squeeze. His curiosity takes over so he glances at the singer. Their eyes meet and when Tyler looks at him apologetically, Josh can’t stop himself from squeezing back. _It's okay_ , the gesture says, _I've acted like a dick too._

And if he sees Jenna looking down at their joined hands out of the corner of her eye, he pushes the guilt aside and pretends that he never noticed anything.


	16. Chapter 16

Josh’s phone vibrates right next to his pillow.

The room is filled with a dim light coming from underneath his dark-t-shirt, thrown on the top of the shade of a small bedside lamp. It’s the _lights-on_ but also _my-kid-is-in-the-same-room_ night and he knows that if he leaves it too bright, Izzy won’t be able to get any sleep. Jenna – the angel in human form - decided to spoil the drummer by booking him a room with a double bed but she also made sure that the hotel would provide a crib – which they did. He knows he wouldn’t be able to even close his eyes if the creature slept in the same bed as him. The fear of her rolling off and falling to the floor would keep him up all night.

He glances across the room to make sure that she sleeps soundly before reaching for his phone and adjusting the brightness of the screen so it doesn’t make his eyes hurt. There’s a new short text from Tyler.

_You awake?_

_Yeah_ , he replies without hesitation.

_Let me in._

Josh frowns. It’s fifteen minutes past midnight but apparently, every hour of the day and night is good enough for a visit according to Tyler Joseph.

With a heavy sigh he throws the sheets away and shuffles to the door.

„You could just knock.” He says quietly, stepping back and letting Tyler in. 

„I didn’t want to wake Izzy.” 

„What’s up?”

Tyler looks around the room, bites his lip and pushes his hands inside the pockets of his jeans. 

„Jenna said we should talk about it.”

„Talk about what?”

„Our issues... Or whatever reason that caused our fight.” Tyler shrugs.

„There’s nothing to talk about.” Josh sighs. „The only reason is that I’m an asshole and a drama queen but you already know it.” He turns on his heel and walks towards the bed. „I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I said.”

„No, it’s… It’s fine. There was a lot of truth in what you said.”

„I’ve crossed the line anyway. And I’m sorry about that.” He says and freezes when Izzy stirs in her crib. She doesn’t wake up but he lowers his voice to the whisper again. „You’re gonna sit down or stand by the door like an idiot the whole time?” 

„I didn’t know if you wanted me to stay.”

„Well, you just got here. Might as well come in.” Josh smiles and Tyler crosses the room, sitting on the bed beside him. „I don’t hate you, you know. I would never hate you, no matter how badly you would screw up. I can be angry or frustrated but hating you is the last thing I’m capable of.”

„Same goes to you, Jishwa.” Tyler nods and looks up at the drummer. „You know, I don’t really want to talk.”

„Then what do you want to do? We don’t have many options, especially when Izzy is slee-”

He gets cut off by Tyler’s mouth on his. The singer’s arms are pushing him down and pinning him to the mattress. He can’t stop himself and this time, he kisses back. There’s a voice in his head, screaming at him: _this is wrong, push him off!_ but his body reacts against his mind and he lets his lips move, forgetting about common sense. The tension leaves his body after Tyler starts sucking at his bottom lip, ending the kiss with a little nibble and Josh loves a little bit of teeth during kisses. They part only for a short while, just to look each other in the eyes. There’s a question hanging somewhere on the tip of the younger man’s tongue but before he can use his voice, Josh gives him the tiniest, almost unnoticeable nod of his head and is the first one to connect their lips again. He puts both of his hands on Tyler’s neck just to keep him in place – _yes, keep going, please, don’t go._

It’s their first proper kiss – kisses - a mutual involvement, something they both have been looking forward to. There are emotions that need to be released and Josh doesn’t even realize he’s crying until Tyler breaks the kiss again and brings his hand to the drummer’s cheek to brush off his tears. 

„It’s okay.” Tyler whispers. „You’re okay, Joshie, I’ve got you.”

Josh lifts his head and once again crashes their mouths together. _Stop talking, just kiss me_. Their movements quicken and the only sound filling the room is their heavy breathing and the smacking sound of mouths colliding with each other. Every time Tyler tries to pull back and take a breath, Josh chases his lips and the make-out session starts all over again.

He doesn’t know how much time passes before they slow down to the point when they only exchange little lazy pecks and Eskimo-kisses. Josh’s hand wanders under Tyler’s t-shirt and he runs his hands over the singer’s skin. There are goosebumps on his back and he shivers under Josh’s touch.

Josh closes his eyes and sighs happily when Tyler starts kissing his jaw and gently strokes the back of his neck with tips of his fingers. He sucks gently on the skin behind his ear, kissing the tattoo. Then, he props himself up on his elbow, looking down at Josh with a smile on his face. The drummer watches him through his half-closed eyes and smiles back.

„Tired?” Tyler asks. He runs his fingers through Josh’s hair and tucks a few too long locks behind his ear, leaning down to put a kiss on the top of his head. 

„Mhm.” Josh murmurs and rolls onto his side, pressing his face against Tyler's chest. 

„Sleep then. Big day tomorrow.”

 

Josh wakes up to the loud angry babbling coming from the crib. He sits up and looks around the room in panic. Tyler's not there and Josh is warm and covered with a blanket although he remembers falling asleep in the singer’s arms on the top of the sheets. He rubs his face and yawns. He doesn't know if anything that happened last night was real or not - there is absolutely no evidence that Tyler was in the room. His dreams have been getting out of control recently and he wouldn’t be surprised if everything was just a figment of his imagination. But then he leaves the bed to pick up his daughter and he notices a tiny note stuck to the crib.

_Milk, 2:30. TJ x_

The short message means that either Tyler left the room when Josh fell asleep and came back to feed Izzy or stayed with Josh until Izzy woke up for her night feeding and left after that. Somehow the second option seems more believable.

His cheeks burn when he accidentally drops the piece of paper and the note lands upside-down, revealing more words, scribbled down with Tyler’s messy handwriting.

_I didn’t know that having your hair stroked while you’re asleep makes you purr like a cat. It’s adorable._

He grins when he picks up Izzy and puts a sloppy kiss on her cheek, he grins when he changes her nappy and dresses her in fresh clothes, he grins when he orders room service and feeds her with another bottle of milk and can’t stop smiling even when he has his mouth stuffed with breakfast. 

The happiness leaves him when he realizes that he needs to talk to the label and the smile disappears from his face when he realizes that Jenna is being cheated on.

Josh feels conflicted. The guilt is eating him up but the desire to be with Tyler - to touch him - kiss him – slowly wins this internal battle. He loves Jenna, she’s his friend, but he loves Tyler more, he loves Tyler so much that he probably wouldn’t be able to describe it with words. And the thought that his best friend feels the same and finally responds to the drummer’s feelings, makes the butterflies in his stomach do endless backflips. 

He knows he’s selfish, wanting Tyler all for himself, but he wants to be happy and Tyler is the main source of his happiness. 

 

There’s a loud knocking when he’s in the middle of packing the stroller bag. He opens the door to stand face to face with his best friend, dressed in his mustard hoodie and black skinny jeans, with a black backpack hanging off his shoulder. 

„Hi. Ready?” He asks casually, stepping into the room.

„Almost.” Josh replies, not taking his eyes off Tyler, who kneels down on the floor next to Izzy. She sits on the carpet with her gaze glued to the TV screen. 

Tyler wipes the big drop of saliva off her chin and tries to catch her attention.

„Hey there, sweetie.” He says, tickling her side. The creature looks at him and smiles widely, reaching out to him. He picks her up – _of course_ he does – and Josh can’t help but sigh dramatically. Tyler notices his frustration. „The rules expire outside your flat.” He grins and gets up from the floor with Izzy in his arms. „Outside the flat, I make the rules.”

„Oh. Really?” Josh quirks his eyebrow.

„Yes.” Tyler steps closer, drops his gaze to the drummer’s lips and licks his own. „And the first rule is-” He puts one of his hands on the back of Josh’s neck and pulls him close, giving him a long, loving kiss. He ends it with a wet smack and Josh takes a deep breath after that. „-good morning kisses are a must.”

„Since when you’re so brave and straightforward?” Josh looks up. Tyler kisses Izzy’s temple, gently stroking her dark hair. He shrugs.

„I can’t fight with what I feel. Not anymore. I wanted to wait, I wanted to be honest with some people before anything happens between us but… it’s too hard to resist. I can’t stop thinking about you, in more than _we’re-best-friends_ way. You unleashed the beast, Josh.”

„So it’s my fault that you’re cheating on Jenna now?” The drummer snaps and Tyler takes a step back, looking at him with a confused expression on his face.

„I’ve never said that.”

„But this is what it is. You’re cheating on her.”

Tyler frowns.

„Do you want us to argue again? Is that where this conversation is going?”

„No.” Josh says and quickly shakes his head. „No, no, I’m- I’m sorry. It’s just… It’s a lot and I still can’t believe this is happening and… and I _want_ you but she’s still there and… you know- you know me, I can’t- everything is too much and even if I’m completely crazy about you to the point where I forget about the whole world, she’s still somewhere in my head... and even if I try to get rid of the guilt, it’s still there, it’s-”

„I know.” Tyler interrupts his rambling before Josh works himself up into the panic mode. „I know, it’s alright. You’re such a good person, Josh. Of course, I understand how you feel. I will break up with her first thing once we’re back in Columbus, okay? I promise. I need to talk to her, somewhere safe and familiar. She doesn’t deserve to get dumped just like that, in the middle of another city, without any explanation.”

„Okay… Yes. You're right.” Josh nods and hangs his head in defeat. 

Tyler sighs and lowers Izzy down into her crib. Surprisingly, she doesn't cry, paying attention to the colorful Disney show again. 

„Come here.” The younger man opens his arms. „I know it’s wrong but… I’m impatient. I feel like a blind man, seeing the world for the first time. I’ve been blind for six years and I finally _see_ you and I want to see more of you, I want to see _everything_. I just can’t wait any longer.”

Josh rushes into the hug, pushing his nose into the crook of the singer's neck and breathing in the scent of Tyler's aftershave. He can't stop himself from kissing the smooth skin and Tyler shivers, instinctively tilting his head up, giving the drummer better access. Josh doesn't stop, he even feels confident enough to hook his finger in the belt loops of Tyler's jeans and push him backward, making the singer take a few wobbly steps back and land on the mattress when his legs hit the bed. He pulls Josh down and the drummer lands on top of him, quickly finding his way to the singer’s mouth.

Their tongues meet and Josh knows that this make out session becomes much more heated and sexual with every second. It’s definitely not as innocent as the last night's one - they're both eager and the drummer doesn't try to stop himself from sliding down, pulling Tyler's hoodie up and attaching his lips to the center of the singer's chest. He kisses his way down, from Tyler's nipples to the belly button. He's about to reach out and unbutton Tyler's pants when suddenly something vibrates right next to his cheek and starts ringing annoyingly loudly, making him jump.

Tyler rolls his eyes, props himself up on his elbow and takes his phone out of the front pocket of his jeans. He answers and falls back down on the bed, saying a couple of cheerful greetings while Josh experiences an internal freak-out, realizing what he was about to do in the presence of his daughter. He groans under his breath and lets his forehead rest against Tyler's bare skin. The younger man puts his free hand on the top of Josh's hair and runs his fingers through the bright locks.

„Yeah, we're ready.” He says. „Uh-huh... Okay. Yeah. Conference room. Got it. Tenth floor... Yup. Okay... Aha... Aha... Okay. Yes. See you in half an hour.”

He ends the call and throws his phone aside, giggling after noticing Josh's embarrassment and the heavy blush covering his cheeks. Josh wants to die. Without moving too much, he slaps Tyler's hand away and pushes the hoodie down, hiding his head under the soft material. It makes the singer laugh even harder and Josh can't help but grin at the sudden movements of his friend's body.

„Come on, don't hide. You did nothing wrong.” Tyler chuckles. „Do you even have any oxygen under there? Dude, come on, you will suffocate!” He pulls the material up and reveals a red-faced Josh. „Look at me.” Tyler demands and Josh hesitantly looks him in the eyes. „You're so cute. I love how easy it is for you to turn from an overconfident sex-machine to this big blushing mess.”

„Says the guy who’s been shaking like a leaf since he landed on the bed.” Josh retorts and pushes himself up so they can be on the same eye-level again.

„I’ve never been with any male before. I’m allowed to be nervous.” Tyler shrugs and it’s his turn to blush.

„You don’t need to be.” The drummer says softly.

„And you don’t need to be embarrassed when you try to follow your instincts.”

„I don’t want to push you into anything you don’t want to.”

„I will tell you if I don’t like something, okay?” Tyler asks, putting his hand on the drummer’s cheek. „Everything has been perfect so far. You’ve been perfect. I would definitely let you continue with whatever you had in mind if the phone didn’t ring.” He winks and Josh tries really hard to stop himself from imagining _what would happen if_. „This is new for both of us… I mean, maybe not for you but- uhm... Well, you know what I mean. It’s new because it’s _us_.”

Josh agrees with a quiet hum and relaxes, curling himself up next to the singer and putting his head on Tyler's chest. Tyler immediately pulls him closer, throwing his arm around the drummer's shoulders. They both look at Izzy, who sits there unmoving, in the center of the crib with a pacifier in her mouth. She has her fists buried in her favorite blanket and her lips curl into a tiny smile every now and then.

„Look at her.” Josh says. „She doesn't care.” 

„Izzy!” Tyler calls out. „Iz, baby!”

„Nope. Not gonna happen. You’re not convincing enough.”

„Pumpkin!” Tyler tries again. „Honeybunch! Sweetie, look at me!”

„Seriously, man. There's Mickey Mouse on TV. No one ever wins with Disney.”

„Isabel Dun. You're grounded.” Tyler mumbles. „Hey, what's her second name though? You’ve never told me.”

Josh tenses. He hesitates for a long time before answering. 

„Laura. Her full name is Isabel Laura Dun.”

Tyler looks down at him with a surprised expression on his face. His eyes soften and he embraces the drummer a little tighter.

„Oh, Josh.”

„I just... I wanted to name her after someone important.” Josh says quietly. „Even if that person may never accept her.”

„No, hey, hey, don't think like that. She will. She won't be angry forever.” Tyler plants a kiss on his forehead and sighs. „It’s gonna be alright, you’ll see. But as much as I would love to stay here and snuggle with you forever, we have a bunch of people to meet.”

„What about Izzy?”

„What about her? She's going with us, obviously. If they don't fall in love with her within five seconds, they're idiots and we're firing them.”

„We can't exactly fire people from the label, Tyler.” Josh giggles and leaves the bed.

„I didn't mean- Well, we can always try.” The singer backtracks and Josh knows that it's not what he was planning to say. 

He doesn't question it, he zips up the bag and hangs it across his chest. Tyler turns off the TV, gaining an angry whine from the creature and lays her down in the stroller. _Commercial break, sorry_ , he says and hands Izzy her stuffed rabbit, _we're off on the adventure._

„Where's Jenna?” Josh looks around when they stop next to the elevator door and Tyler pushes the button. „I thought she was going with us?”

„Change of plans. She's meeting her high school friend today. Probably won't be back until evening. Ready?”

„No.”

 

The short ride from the hotel to Paramount Plaza seems like the longest fifteen minutes of Josh's life. He realizes that even playing the show at Madison Square Garden didn't make his stomach hurt as much as it hurts now.

Inside the building, they get stopped by two security guards. They seem completely unimpressed when Tyler explains the reason of their visit and hands them both of their IDs - _we have a meeting with Fueled By Ramen, we're their band, Twenty One Pilots_ \- and Josh is pretty sure that he heard the shorter guy mocking their band name.

Josh clenches his jaw when they keep glancing suspiciously at the infant in his arms and after that, they search through the stroller. Yes, the drummer thinks, _I have forty dynamite sticks and twenty hand-grenades hidden in there and Izzy is not a human, she's a child-shaped nuclear bomb. You got me. We're going to blow this place up._

His irritation must be visible because Tyler steps closer to him and whispers _breathe_ right into his ear. Breathing is only easy in theory. In reality, it's a quite difficult task, especially when his anxiety and annoyance mix together so well. 

When they finally receive their visitor passes and the security lets them in, Josh almost sprints towards the elevator, still holding Izzy in his arms. He lets out a sigh of relief when the big metal box arrives empty. Once Tyler pushes the stroller inside and the door closes, the singer explodes.

„What the _fuck_ was that!?” He growls, leaning back against one of the mirror walls. „What was their _fucking_ problem? God! Are you okay?”

„Yeah, just… a little bit shook. They must be new. I've never seen them here before.” Josh says, turning towards the mirror. Izzy reaches out and pats her reflection with an open palm, smiling so wide that the pacifier falls out of her mouth. Josh catches it clumsily before it hits the floor. „Look, Izzy! Who's this? Who's this pretty lady?” He turns her around, so her back is pressed against his chest. She kicks her feet and leans even more forward, hitting the mirror with both of her hands. „Yes, baby. You love mirrors, we know- Oh no, no, no!” He takes a step back when the creature presses her face to her reflection and tries to lick it. „Germs. Dozens. Hundred... Thousands of germs. Bad idea. A very bad idea, Izzy. Let's don't do that.”

The elevator stops on the third floor and more people step inside. The wave of anxiety immediately hits Josh and he shuffles to the furthest corner of the elevator, facing away from everyone and ducking his head, still gently bouncing Izzy against his chest. 

The rest of the ride is awkwardly quiet and the elevator stops three more times before it reaches the tenth floor. The receptionist - Josh recognizes her face but can't recall the name: _Mary? Martha? Marisa?_ \- looks up at them once they step out the elevator and smiles widely. 

„Hey, guys.” She stands up and shakes Tyler's hand. She waves to Josh, noticing the baby in his arms. „Good to see you again.”

„Good to see you too, Marnie.” Tyler smiles. _Marnie_ , Josh thinks and clicks his tongue, _I was so close_. „So...” The singer continues, looking at her meaningfully. „The thing we were talking about...”

She nods quickly and points to the dark brown door at the end of the corridor. 

„Everything's ready.” She winks at the singer and Josh has to do a double take when Tyler winks back.

„Great. Thank you so much!”

„You're very welcome. Bye, cutie!” Marnie smiles at Izzy and goes back to her paperwork.

„What's going on?” Josh asks quietly, walking with Tyler. „What have you done?”

The younger man smirks, stopping with his hand hovering over the doorknob. 

„Ready?” He asks.

„For the millionth time, _no_.”

Tyler pushes the door open and steps inside. Josh takes a deep breath and follows him with a heart beating crazily fast in his chest. Before he realizes what’s happening, there’s a click of the camera shutter and the flash goes off, blinding him for a moment. His knees almost give out underneath him when he realizes who is in the room.

Tyler is next to him in a matter of seconds, slipping his hand into the crook of Josh’s elbow. The drummer looks at him and shakes his head in disbelief.

„Oh, you bastard.”


	17. Chapter 17

The chaos erupts seconds later. There's a sound of chairs scraping against the floor mixed with loud, excited voices and suddenly Josh finds himself being surrounded by a bunch of people. Familiar people.

Izzy watches everything with wide eyes that start to water as soon as Brad takes a few quick steps forward and approaches them with his camera hanging from his neck. He's standing too close for comfort and she doesn't like it. Her bottom lip starts to shake and she lets out a long whining sound a few seconds later.

„I think she's scared of your beard.” Mark says, pushing the photographer aside and smiling at the creature. He waves his hand right in front of her face and talks in made-up-on-the-spot baby language to her.

Izzy looks at him with even more scared expression and starts crying again, this time even louder than before.

„I think she's scared of your face.” Brad retorts when Mark's smile falls and he takes a step back, raising his hands in the gesture of surrender.

Josh cuddles Izzy against his chest, rocking her from side to side and whispering sweet nothings in her ear. When Tyler takes her from him and starts singing to her in a hushed voice, she immediately goes from screaming to sobbing. The moment Josh's arms are free, another body crashes against his and someone almost tackles him to the floor. The impact makes him take a few steps back but he manages to keep his balance.

„Josh! Oh, Josh!”

„Abigail.” He breathes out, hugging her back. He lets himself relax, resting his chin on his sister's shoulder. „I'm sorry.”

„It's okay.”

„I'm so sorry.”

„It's _okay_.” She whispers in his ear, running her fingers through his hair. „I promise.”

When they pull away from each other, he notices their father, approaching Tyler and Izzy with a smile. The creature seems to recognize him because as soon as Bill offers her his hand, she wraps her tiny fingers around his thumb, smiling shyly at his grandfather. 

„Hello, sweetie. It's so good to see you again!” Bill says cheerfully and Josh can't help but grin at the sight.

Abigail joins their father but before Josh can watch their interaction, he's being abruptly spun around by his shoulders and crushed in a tight embrace by two muscular arms.

„Hi, dog breath.”

_Dog breath?_

„Michael?” Josh gapes, immediately overwhelmed by Michael’s presence. „What the _heck_ are you doing here, man!?”

„Long time no see, right? Tyler texted, saying it was an emergency, so I'm here. _We're_ here.”

Josh stays close enough to feel Gibson's arm around his shoulders and finally looks around. There are a few people sitting around the wooden table, smiling at him, some more are trying to take a closer look at Izzy. People from the old crew, people from the new crew: Snyder and Shap, some tech guys along with their production consultant and stage manager, there's even Ben - whom Josh hasn't seen in months - sitting in one of the chairs, chuckling at Josh's shocked expression. There's also Jenna, standing there with arms crossed over her chest, grinning from ear to ear. 

There's plenty of food on the table - mostly snacks and desserts, and a tiered cake decorated with pink frosting and colorful flowers. Josh already knows it's all Jenna's doing. He notices a bunch of colorful balloons attached to the window frames and a few gift bags on a small table in the corner of the room. 

For a moment, Josh doesn't know what to do. He just stands there, shaken up and speechless. There are people he loves and respects and no one is judging him. Everyone smiles and laughs and pats his back and he can't stand it anymore. He lets out a sob and hides his face behind his hands. He's immediately pulled into someone's arms and the familiar scent screams: _Tyler_. Josh pushes his face in the crook of the singer's neck and tries to make himself as small as possible. It's overwhelming and the whole situation seems too surreal to be actually happening. Tyler embraces him as securely as he can, rubbing his back and kissing the side of his head, rocking them gently. There are a few _aww’s_ and teary chuckles and Josh starts shaking even harder.

„Breathe.” Tyler whispers in his ear but there's a hint of a smile in his voice. „Breathe, Josh. We're all here for you.”

„H-how?” The drummer manages to choke out and peek at everyone without pulling out from the hug. „How did you even- When-”

„It was a challenge, I admit.” Tyler laughs. „In just one night, I tried to reach as many people as I possibly could.”

„He texted all of us in the middle of the night, saying that if we won't make it to New York, we’re basically doomed.” Mark says. „Then he changed his mind and sent a nice group chat message about giving us a decent raise if we make it here on time. We’re all up for some more dollars, so we’re here.” He jokes.

„And Jenna is meeting her high school friend, huh?” Josh sniffs, looking at the girl. „You're such a liar, Ty.”

„I needed it to sound believable. Wanted to surprise you. I know you had it all planned out but still didn't know how to approach the crew so I thought I would make it at least a little bit easier for you.” Tyler says, patting Josh's back one more time and pulling away from the hug. „Although the situation with the security guys downstairs wasn't staged. And we still need to talk to Mike but that's happening tomorrow.”

„Okay.” Josh nods, wiping his face with the sleeve of his hoodie. Then, he turns to Tyler and looks him straight in the eyes, lowering his voice to the faintest whisper. „Do they know why- Uhm. Have you told them about Izzy-”

„No. This is only for you to decide if you want to tell them. They only know that she is your daughter. Nothing more. They know that the whole situation is stressful enough for you. They promised not to bug you about it until you're ready to tell them yourself. If you’re ever ready, that is. You don’t have to explain anything to anyone, okay?”

„Okay. Yes, okay. Thank you. So much.” _I would kiss you if I could._

„You're very welcome.” Tyler smiles knowingly and squeezes his shoulder. 

They both glance at Brad, who searches through his bag and pulls out four different lenses. 

„Did you really bring the whole equipment with you here?” Josh asks, furrowing his brows.

„Well, do you want some _good_ pictures of your kid or not?”

„Well, I mean-” 

He turns around to look at his daughter but then, behind his back - in the very corner of the room, right next to a black flowerpot with a huge dracaena - he notices Jordan. He's sitting on the floor with his legs pressed to his chest and arms loosely wrapped around them, with an emotionless - almost hard to read - expression on his face. 

When their eyes meet, Jordan's face changes, his lips set into a thin line and his jaw clenches. Josh knows his brother too well to realize that this confrontation won't end well. He's not quick enough to even say the other boy's name when Jordan gets up from the floor and quickly walks out of the room, slamming the door on his way out. 

Everyone falls silent, looking at each other with confusion. Bill sighs loudly and shakes his head, bouncing the creature on his lap while Abby walks over to Josh and puts her hand on his shoulder. 

„He's been like that since he saw the pictures.” She says. „It was really hard to convince him to go to New York with us.”

„Well, he looks like he doesn't want to be here at all.”

„Ashley told him that he should come and talk to you.”

„I wish she was here. She's better at talking to him.” Josh gulps, looking at the door.

„She couldn't come. You know she's busy with Jesse and Secret Midnight Press now.” Abby says quietly.

„I know.” The drummer nods. „Mom… Not here?” He asks quietly.

„No.” Abigail whispers. „No, sorry. She doesn’t know we’re here. Dad told her we’re seeing some show on Broadway. I just found out about her… _opinion_ the other day. Jordan doesn’t know.”

„You should go.” Tyler says suddenly. 

„But Izzy...”

„She's fine, look at her. I'll be here with her the whole time.” The singer encourages. „She's mesmerized by her grandpa, she won't even notice your absence. Go talk to your brother.”

Josh takes a deep breath, nods and runs out of the conference room. The hallway is empty, except the reception desk where Marnie drowns in piles of papers. He walks over to her desk and taps his fingers against the wooden surface, trying to catch her attention. She finishes reading another importantly looking sheet, looks at him and smiles. After a quick conversation and a few concerned looks, Marnie points her pen to the opposite side of the hallway. _I'm pretty sure I saw him walking towards the restrooms_ , she says, _he looked upset_. Josh thanks her, pushing himself off the counter and marching quickly to the men's bathroom. 

Out of three stalls, there's only one with locked doors. Josh knocks without hesitation.

„Occupied.” The person on the other side says. 

„Jordan...” Josh starts. „Please, come out.”

„Go away.”

„ _Jordan_.”

„I'm peeing!”

„No, you're not. Please, come out so we can talk.”

„I don’t want to talk. _Go. Away_.” The younger says through gritted teeth.

„Bro, come on.” Josh knocks again. When he doesn't get the reply, he rolls his eyes, takes a few steps back and rests his back against the cold wall. „Fine.” He groans. „You're angry with me, I get it. What do you want me to say? I'm sorry, I screwed up, okay? It happened. I made a child and I have to take care of her now. I can't turn back time.” He says but he's met with even more silence. „But you know what? Even if I could, I wouldn't do that. She was my mistake but now she's my miracle. And I don't regret having her.”

„It doesn't matter if you have a child or not.” Jordan mumbles quietly. Josh can imagine him sitting on the closed toilet lid with his legs pressed to his chest and chin resting on his knees. 

„Then what?” The drummer asks gently. He doesn't want to scare the boy and make him fall silent again.

„It's just... It's that you didn't tell me. You never told me. I found out from the Internet. I found out on Twitter when people started bombarding me with questions.” Jordan lets out a shaky breath. „Tyler knew and I didn't. He knew and went on walks with you and probably-”

„Tyler is my best friend.” Josh interrupts.

„And I'm your brother!” Jordan yells, startling the drummer. His voice echoes through the empty bathroom. „I used to be your best friend too! But Tyler-” He hesitates.

„Tyler _what_?” Josh asks, confused.

„Tyler stole you away from me!”

„Oh, heck no! Don’t you dare.” Josh raises his voice. He takes a step forward and hits the stall door with an open palm. „You keep Tyler out of this conversation! He's not the one to blame!”

„See?! Even now you're taking his side!” The younger man yells again and Josh can hear his voice slowly breaking. „Mom knew. Dad knew. Ashley knew!”

„Abby didn't know.” Josh tries.

„She did! Of course she knew! Because Ashley told her. I was the one left out. No one told me... No one. I found out from _fucking_ Twitter!”

„Jordan, what are you really angry about?!”

„Everything!”

„I was scared to tell you, okay?!” Josh yells back. „You have always been on mom's side, you always take her side - no matter what!” He starts pacing back and forth, nervously running his fingers through his hair. „She's not here. Do you know why she's not here?”

„Because she has to work-”

„Because she hates my guts, Jordan!” Josh says loudly and tears spill from his eyes. „Mom doesn't accept the fact that Debby and I will never get married, she doesn't accept the fact that Izzy is a fruit of a one-night stand, okay? She told me this, in my face, looking me straight in the eyes! Debby was three months pregnant when I heard: _I will not tolerate something like this, you will not tell your father or siblings about it. If anyone finds out, you will not like the consequences of your actions_.” He mimics their mother's voice. „So I kept it a secret. No one knew, only Tyler. Because one day he found me in my apartment, being one step away from losing my mind! Ashley and dad found out accidentally, not long ago.” Josh sighs. „I've never wanted to hide anything this big from you. But mom... After everything she said, I was scared. We're both mama's boys, Jordan. I disagreed on marrying Debby but obeyed on keeping quiet because... I love her, she's our mother but she was this close to disowning me and I... I couldn't let it happen. I panicked. I wanted to tell you, I really did. But then everything just started to happen so fast and it was like a domino effect and one moment no one knew and the next those freaking photos were everywhere and-” Josh sobs but quickly wipes his eyes and lets his arms hang loosely on each side of his body. His brother keeps being quiet on the other side of the door and it doesn't help. „Izzy is just a baby. She’s a real human being, not a pet. It's a big deal. And it's hard as it is, Jordan. And I'm sorry. I don't know what else could I say.”

„If-” Jordan starts quietly, shifting inside the stall. He clears his throat. „If the pictures didn't leak, would you ever tell me about her?”

„Of course... God, of course, I would. I actually wanted to fly to Columbus after talking to the label. I need to speak to mom again. I- I'm tired of this. I've never thought I’d be able to cause so much damage!” Josh laughs humorlessly, letting his back rest against the wall again.

Another long moment of silence falls between them before there's shuffling of shoes on the other side of the door and the lock clicks. Jordan hesitantly slides out of the stall and copies his big brother, pressing his back against the door. 

They look at each other from two opposite sides of the bathroom with no more than five feet of distance between them. Finally, Jordan is the first one to break the silence. 

„Did she really say that? I mean, mom? Is she really that angry with you?” He asks quietly.

„She's livid.”

„But... At the end of the tour- During the few last shows, she talked to you... You both even joked and-”

„Jordan, have you ever seen her drop the facade in the crowd of people?” It's a rhetorical question, they're both know their mother. „As soon as we were alone, she would remind me how much disappointed she is and that _there's still time to change my mind_.”

„But why is she so awful about it?”

Josh shrugs.

„I don’t know. She's Christian.”

„Well, I am too! Yet I don't see anything wrong with taking care of your own child.”

„Mom has one way of thinking: you should finish school, find a steady job, get married, buy yourself a nice house and have children. You know that for a long time she had a hard time accepting my job. She got over it but you know how skeptic she is about this whole band-thing even if it was my dream coming true and it pays decent money. And now? I gave her another reason to be disappointed about. I got my ex-girlfriend pregnant. Not _wife_. Ex-girlfriend. And we're not planning to get married.” Josh sighs. „You know what she was worried about the most? Not about me being able to raise a child, not about Izzy being a healthy baby. She was worried about the lack of excuse if any of her church friends find out.”

_I don't even want to know what would happen if I said I'm bisexual and about to date my male best friend._

„I don't care.” Jordan says suddenly, interrupting Josh's train of thoughts.

„Huh?”

„I don't care what people think. And what mom thinks. I don't care if you get married or not.”

Josh's eyes soften. 

„Jordan...”

„You're still my brother and... Izzy is my niece and... You must have your reasons. I'm sorry for being a jerk.”

„I'm sorry for hiding it from you.”

„I understand, I think. I understand why you did it. I still want to talk to you about everything but... maybe not here. Maybe when you come back to Columbus we can have, like, a movie night or something? If you want. And we could talk. If you don’t, that’s okay too, I mean, well-”

Josh smiles and shakes his head. This is Jordan he knows: confident when angry and determined, shy and blushing after finding out that he may have been wrong. The younger boy’s eyes are fixed on the floor and the drummer can't wait any longer. He pushes himself off the wall and pulls his brother into a hug. Jordan quickly wraps his arms around Josh and puts his chin on the older man’s shoulder. They stay like that, whispering I missed you's, sorry's and I love you's in each other's ears until Josh pulls away, still keeping his hands on Jordan’s shoulders.

„Do you want to meet her?”

„Yes but... What if she doesn't like me? The way she reacted to Brad wasn't optimistic.”

„You would get scared too if suddenly a huge Viking appeared right in front of your face.” The drummer chuckles. „Once she realizes you're just another person to spoil her, she will love you. Come on.”

„I've made a fool of myself, right? Storming off like that.”

„I swear, you're fine.”

They leave the bathroom shoulder to shoulder and Josh can't help but let out a breath of relief. It feels like a large part of the heavy weight he's been carrying on his shoulders fell off, finally letting him breath deeper. He has the crew on his side, his brother and sisters. It's not much but it's definitely a start. 

„So... How does the fatherhood feel like?” Jordan asks when they reach the conference room.

„Honestly? Most of the time I want to shoot myself in the head.” Josh laughs and pushes the door open. He stops in his tracks after looking at the scene before him. „Even more often I want to shoot this idiot in the head... Tyler!” Josh yells. „What the heck are you doing!?”

„I'm-” Tyler turns around, hiding something behind his back. „I'm cleaning?”

„What do you- Oh God.” The drummer opens his mouth. „Oh God, what have you all done to my child?! Is this... Oh my God, why is she covered in cake? Tyler, for God's sake, she's not supposed to eat that!”

„She didn't!” Jenna laughs and hands Tyler another handful of wet wipes. „She didn't, I swear, she didn't! We stopped her before she could put anything in her mouth!”

„Then why is she looking like... this?” Josh leans against the edge of the table and looks at his daughter, who sits in the center of the wooden furniture. 

When she looks up at Josh, she smiles and he can't stop himself from grinning at her. Her cheeks and hands are dirty, covered with pink and brown cake filling. Same with her clothes - there's a big brown spot on her white blouse. The destroyed cake is set aside.

„We wanted to take some cute pictures.” Tyler says, rubbing his forehead with the back of his hand. „Brad said-”

„It's not my fault!” The photographer yells from across the room.

„Shut up! Brad came up with the idea of taking a picture of her surrounded by balloons and toys and... cake, so we sat her down on the table and everything was fine until she noticed flowers on the frosting and she just grabbed the cake... She really went for it and before anyone got to her she just... well, like, literally fell face first in the cake?” Tyler explains as quickly as he can.

„It was funny!” Mark says, still choking on his own laughter. „They all just run in her direction but before they pushed the cake away from her, she managed to... already entertain herself.”

„Oh, baby.” Josh sighs and shakes his head when Izzy babbles loudly and looks down at her dirty hands, patting them against her pink leggings. He can hear Jordan chuckling behind his back and he looks over his shoulder. „See what I'm talking about?” He winks and stands up straight. „Tyler Joseph.” He says loudly and points to the stroller. „You're gonna take the bag and you're gonna go to the bathroom, clean up my daughter and change her clothes, until she’s not sticky anymore and there's no cake left on her, you understand?”

„But it was not my fault!” Tyler says desperately, throwing his hands in the air.

„I don't care. You were in charge of her, you'll clean her up.”

„Fine.” The singer huffs, hanging the strap of the bag across his shoulders. He picks up Izzy and walks out of the room. 

„I'll help him.” Jenna giggles and follows her boyfriend. 

Josh shrugs and sits down in the chair, looking at the remains of the cake. He pokes it with his finger and licks it clean. Others are looking at him with an amused expression on their faces and Brad points his camera at him.

For the next few minutes he sits there, talking to his friends, answering questions and telling stories about Izzy. He passes his phone to Jordan and lets him scroll through the photos of the creature. Soon enough, there are more people gathering behind the younger Dun's back and awwing at the countless amount of pictures. 

When fifteen minutes pass and neither Tyler nor Jenna are back, he decides to check up on them. Marnie looks up at him when he crosses the hallway again but doesn't comment on his frequent journeys to the bathroom. Josh finds them in the same place where he confronted his brother a few minutes earlier. 

„Almost!” Jenna announces, pulling a fresh pair of leggings on Izzy's chubby thighs while Tyler tries to put everything back inside the bag. „And... we're done!”

Josh almost laughs at the irony when he looks at Izzy's clean blouse. _I am a wild one_ , the print says and he can't believe how true is that. 

„Looking pretty, my wild girl.” Josh says, kissing Izzy on the head when Jenna's about to leave the bathroom with the creature in her arms.

„Back to the guests!” 

„Just keep her away from the cake!” Josh shouts before the door closes completely. 

Tyler finishes zipping up the bag and puts is on the floor. He catches Josh's stare in the mirror reflection and slowly turns around, smiling widely at the drummer. Josh smiles back and takes a step forward, invading Tyler’s personal space. He grabs a fistful of Tyler's hoodie and pushes him back until the singer's back hits the edge of the sink. The singer giggles, quickly pecking the tip of Josh’s nose and the drummer grins, leaning his forehead against Tyler’s.

„Thank you. For everything.” Josh whispers. „So much.”

„It’s okay.” Tyler smiles. „You’re welcome.” He shortly and gently kisses the drummer’s lips.

After they part, Josh dives into the kiss again. He attaches their mouths together and they both grin into the kiss, moving their lips in sync. Tyler puts one hand on Josh's hip and the other at the back of his neck, pulling the drummer even closer. 

Josh wraps his arms around Tyler’s waist and they kiss: until their lips are red, until they're both out of breath, until the voice behind their backs says: 

„Holy shit!”


	18. Chapter 18

Josh immediately lets go of Tyler and - with a completely terrified expression on his face - takes a step back. He turns around, mentally cursing his own stupidity. He almost wants to cry; of course, something like this was going to happen. _Of course_. Because Josh Dun is not a lucky man. He's bound to fail, he's bound to make mistakes and be constantly punished for them. 

„Guys...”

„This is not what it looks like!” Tyler says first and there’s a hint of panic in his voice. 

Josh knows it’s bad when even Tyler can’t come up with anything better than this overused phrase. He wants to say something but his throat closes and he can't bring himself to choke out a single word.

„Holy shit, _guys_... This is exactly what it looks like.”

„Mark, you- you don't understand!”

„Oh, yeah. You're right. I don't understand!” Mark raises his voice.

„Okay, okay...” Tyler runs his fingers through his hair and tugs at a few longer strands. He stops in front of Josh like his body is supposed to be a shield from Mark's anger. „Okay, please, don't yell. We will explain-”

„Tyler, _holy shit_ , you have a girlfriend.”

„Stop cursing!”

„I _fucking_ can't! Not every day you catch your best friends making out in the bathroom, with a girlfriend of one of them sitting in the room next door!” Mark says desperately and exhales nervously. „Oh. My. God! How long has this been going on?”

„Not long...”

„Really?!”

„Yes, I don't know, a few days?” Tyler shrugs.

„You're asking _me_!?” Mark sounds more annoyed with every second. _This is bad. This is so bad._

Agonizing silence falls between the three of them and Josh feels lightheaded. Finally, Tyler lets his arms fall to his sides and he turns around to look at the drummer. His eyes widen immediately and he moves to put his hand on Josh's cheek. The drummer tries to focus on his best friend but everything becomes blurry in the next few seconds. There are two pairs of hands on his shoulders and he's being lowered to the floor. 

„Josh. Josh! How are you feeling?” Tyler's voice reaches his ears but it seems like he's hearing it from underwater.

„Dizzy. I’m _floating_.” Josh mumbles, closing his eyes and letting his head fall back against the wall.

„Knees up.” Someone touches his legs, trying to make him bend and push them close to his chest. His head is being moved too. „Your head goes between them. Josh. Head between your knees. Okay, good. Very good. Breathe.”

He can feel fingers stroking his hair when the bathroom door opens again. There are three different voices now, speaking right above his head but he can't really recognize any of them anymore. Everything mixes into one mess.

„Hey, what's- Oh, _shit_! Josh! What's going on?”

„He was about to faint, can you get us a bottle of water?”

„Sure, I'll be right back.”

„This is what happens when you're being an asshole.” A hiss.

„An asshole? So it's my fault that I want to know what the hell is going on?” An angry whisper-shout.

„We will talk about this later.”

Slam of the door.

„Here.”

„Thanks. Josh? Come on, let's drink some water.”

He lifts his head with great difficulty without opening his eyes and the bottleneck touches his lips. He takes a few greedy gulps.

„No, no. Slowly. Little sips.”

„What caused this?”

„He didn't eat breakfast.” A lie. _Tyler. Definitely Tyler_. „Hey, Josh?” The bottle is gone and a hand starts stroking the back of his neck. Another one rests on his knee. „Breathe. In through your nose and out through your mouth, can you do that for me?”

Josh tries. He opens his eyes and breathes until his heartbeat slows down and the world stops spinning. He squeezes his eyes shut for a moment and blinks quickly a couple of times until his vision sharpens and his gaze lands on the faces of people kneeling right in front of him: Tyler. Mark. Michael. 

„Welcome back.” Michael smiles. 

„He's still a bit pale.” Tyler says. „Michael, can you go back there and ask Jenna if there's something salty to eat? Crackers, chips, anything? We'll bring him back to the room in a minute.”

„Of course.”

„Nice one.” Mark huffs when there’s only the two of them again.

„Listen, Mark.” Tyler hisses. „If you really consider yourself our _best friend_ , you will keep what you've seen to yourself. This is really not the best place to have this conversation. If you want to know what's going on, come to Josh's hotel room tonight. We will explain everything.”

Josh has never seen Tyler sending so many mental daggers in Mark's direction. He can’t believe how quickly his attitude changed from stuttering _this is not what is looks like_ to _I will not hesitate to slap you in the face if I have to_. After a few intense seconds of staring at each other, looking like two lions ready to fight for the territory, Eshleman backs off. He sighs in defeat but nods nonetheless.

„I don't know where you're staying.”

„I will text you details later.”

„Okay.”

„Thank you.” The singer says firmly. „And _please_ , act normal. We really don't want anyone to know about this yet. Especially not Jenna.”

„Yeah. _I bet_.”

„Mark.” Tyler warns. „You can go and tell everyone that Josh is _okay_ and we're on our way back.”

„Fine!”

When Mark leaves the bathroom, Tyler's eyes immediately change and his expression softens when he looks at Josh.

„How are you feeling?”

„I'm sorry.”

„No, Josh.”

„I'm sorry, I shouldn't have kissed you.”

„If anything, it's my fault. I started it. I encouraged you.” Tyler squeezes his knee. „But it doesn't matter now. We will talk to Mark later, we can't get away with this now. Unfortunately.” He sighs. „Do you want to go back to the hotel?”

„No, no. I'll be fine.”

„Are you sure?”

„Positive.”

„Alright. Are you ready to stand up?”

„Y-yeah.”

„Come on. Slowly.”

Tyler stands up first and offers him his hand. When Josh takes it, Tyler slowly pulls him up to his feet and stays close enough to help the drummer keep his balance. A few black spots are still dancing before Josh's eyes but besides that, he definitely feels much better. Tyler picks up the water bottle from the floor and cups Josh's elbow with his free hand, leading him out of the bathroom.

„M'not an invalid.” Josh says quietly.

„Shut up. I'm not taking your sorry ass to the hospital if you suddenly decide to fall, hit your head and lose consciousness.” Tyler smiles. „But the minute you want to leave, you tell me and we're out of here, okay?”

„Okay, mom.”

The singer rolls his eyes.

„Of course _I am_ the mom.”

 

Back in the room, they make him eat even if looking at food makes him nauseous. The rest of the meeting is full of questions of concerns ( _are you sure you're feeling alright?_ ), occasional death glares from Mark and Tyler's short _quit it!_ whispers, Izzy's laughter and loud babbling and Josh's inner freak outs appearing every time he reminds himself that someone else _knows_.

Brad is still Izzy's least favorite person until she realizes that pulling on his beard is a great thing to do and the noises of discomfort he makes every time she pulls too hard are pretty funny. After warming up to him, she treats him like a giant teddy bear and snuggles closer to him everytime he holds her.

Everyone else is busy with talking to each other and shoving food into their mouths. The sight of the whole crew being together again makes Josh’s heart swell with happiness. It feels like they’re still on tour, having a break between shows, charging batteries before another long journey to the next city.

Suddenly, he misses touring. He misses exhausting himself almost every night, watching Tyler jump around the stage, hearing the fans screaming back every word. He’s never been coping well with longer breaks from music and now, seeing all those people causes a pang of wanderlust in his chest, makes the feeling of something missing - the lack of routine come back with a double force. He wants to get up, shake Tyler by the shoulders and yell: _come on, let’s make an album, let’s travel the world!_ but then he remembers about his daughter and feels conflicted again. 

Does he really want his daughter to grow up in tour buses, planes, venues and hotel rooms? Is it even possible to handle having an infant on the road? Is it possible to provide everything she needs being so far from home, in a different city almost every night? Is it possible to be a good, responsible father with so many duties, so many distractions, so many temptations? Everyone is supportive now but how would they act on tour? Would they still help him? And the most important question: what would _Tyler_ do? _Damn, I don’t even know what he will do in an hour. Tomorrow? Next week?_

When Jenna sits on Tyler's lap and the singer shares his piece of cake with her, feeding her with his own fork, Josh can't help but stare. She whispers something in his ear and he laughs, throwing his head back. She wraps her arms around his neck and he kisses her cheek. 

Josh averts his gaze but then catches Mark's gaze. Eshleman sighs heavily and shakes his head, staring at the drummer with something similar to pity in his eyes. He abandons his chair and sits on the floor close to his siblings where Abigail sings nursery rhymes to Izzy and Jordan claps along.

Someone sits down next to him and when he looks up, he sees his father offering a glass of orange juice to him. 

„Jordan said you want to come home.” Bill starts quietly when Josh takes the drink.

„Well, I want to talk to mom. Or... Or just _try_ to talk to her.”

„When?”

„As soon as I can.”

„We have a flight home tomorrow afternoon. You can go with us if you want.”

„Yeah... That sounds good. We have a meeting with the label tomorrow morning but I think I'll be ready for the afternoon flight.”

„I can help you talk to her.” 

„No.” Josh shakes his head. „Thanks, but I need to do this alone. I don't want to cause any more drama and make her feel attacked. I know you all want to help but it can't be five against one.”

„You're a good kid, Joshua.” Bill pats him on the shoulder. „Everyone knows it. Your mother knows it too.”

Josh smiles but drops the subject. He doesn’t want to kill his father’s optimism or get his own hopes up. 

 

They leave the party a few hours later after Izzy wakes up from her short nap. She fell asleep in her grandpa’s arms, with her pink pacifier in her mouth, holding the new green plushie turtle she got from Abigail. Bill had to sit still for forty minutes in an uncomfortable chair after refusing to put her into the stroller.

When they get back to the hotel, Josh doesn't see Tyler until evening. He knows he had plans with Jenna and the crew was supposed to split up. Some of them were supposed to fly straight back home, for others, it was only a short stop before heading to another destination. Some decided to stay in New York and group up for drinks. Bill and Abigail wanted to go sightseeing while Jordan had plans with Aaron since both of them wanted to take pictures of the Brooklyn Bridge at night. 

The hotel room is quiet and he finally has some space to breathe. As much as he loved seeing everyone, he feels exhausted and there’s a weird buzz in his head. He wants to crash in bed and sleep for another two days but it’s impossible with Izzy who’s wide awake and _talkative_ after her nap. 

Josh puts her down on the floor, sits down next to her and surrounds her with all the new toys she got. She rolls onto her stomach, admiring every new thing, babbling loudly and drooling all over the carpet. He doesn’t even have enough strength to move from his spot and reach out to wipe her chin. He watches her for a while, almost falling asleep sitting up. 

When she gets bored, he lets her sit between his legs, reaches to his bag and fishes his fidget spinner out of the small side pocket. Izzy looks like hypnotized when Josh does a few tricks and she laughs every time she pats his hand and the toy falls to the floor making a noise. 

They spend hours playing together before a loud knocking startles both of them and they look up at the door at the same time.

„The door's unlocked!” Josh shouts, trying to spin the toy on Izzy's bare toe.

He's anxious about talking to Mark, he's anxious about what Mark is about to say. His first reaction was enough to notice that this _relationship_ \- or whatever it is that they have - will not be approved. 

It hurts. It hurts because Mark has always been their best friend - it has always been the three of them even if it's Josh and Tyler's friendship that's always in the spotlight – he’s always been supportive and understanding. Now it looks like Mark has his own boundaries and emotions he’s never really chosen to show ever before. 

Tyler enters the room first with Eshleman right behind him. Josh swallows nervously when the door finally closes - there's a bile rising somewhere in the back of his throat. 

The singer grins when he sees that Izzy is still wide awake and crouches on the floor in front of her.

„Hey, baby.” He greets her happily, completely abandoning Mark. His voice and smell are enough to make Josh a little calmer. „Whatcha have there? Oh, it's spinning, I see... That's cool. Did daddy give this to you so you can _choke yourself to death_?” He glares at the drummer when the creature pushes the toy into her mouth.

„She won't choke, it's too big.”

„Are you sure?”

„I'm not stupid, I wouldn't let her play with something potentially dangerous.”

„Oh, really?”

They hold a staring contest, playfully challenging each other until someone clears their throat.

„I’m still here.” The sarcastic tone rings from the side, where Mark is still standing by the door, swaying back and forth from his heels to toes with hands buried deep inside the pockets of his jeans. 

It's easy to forget about the whole world and get lost in Tyler's eyes but snapping back into the reality in the singer's presence is the hardest thing ever. Josh blushes and drops his gaze, suddenly remembering about their guest. 

Tyler picks up Izzy and stands up, looking around the room. He makes her let go of the fidget spinner and gives it back to Josh who instinctively starts spinning the toy, trying to fight off the new wave of nerves. Izzy doesn't like the idea of not having the toy in her hand so she lets out an unhappy whine.

„Hush. Let's find your rattle. Where is it? Where is Mr.Fish, Izzy?” He asks, walking towards the crib. „Oh, here he is, all alone in such a big bed. Here you go, look at him... He missed you!” Tyler hands her the fish-shaped rattle and she immediately starts shaking it, making a noise. „See? Mr.Fish is so much better than some _stupid_ fidget spinner. Good girl.” He praises, kissing her temple.

„You're in such a deep shit.” Mark says, shaking his head. He steps further inside and sits down in the armchair in the corner of the room. „A really deep shit.”

„Mark, look...” Josh starts, scratching the back of his neck. „I'll explain everything, okay? I don't want you to be angry at me.”

„I'm not angry at you, I'm angry at Tyler.”

„ _What_?” They both say at the same time and look at Mark with confusion. 

„I'm angry at you.” Mark points his finger at the singer. „And you know why.”

Tyler opens his mouth to defend himself but before he can speak, Josh stands up from the floor and turns to Mark, reaching out and waving his hands like he wants to calm a wild animal.

„This is not Tyler's fault.” The drummer says calmly. „The blame is on me. I was the one who started everything.”

„But it's not you who's a cheater.” Mark sighs. „Look, I’m not even surprised that you two ended up together. You’ve always had this special kind of chemistry, everyone knew that it was only a matter of time before you realize that you’re gay for each other. But the thing you’re doing, _Tyler_ , it’s not fair.”

„It’s not that easy.”

„Oh, but it is! You’re ending one relationship and you’re starting another, it’s not rocket science! Unless you’re both into poly relationships...”

„No, of course not.” Tyler rolls his eyes. „Josh knows that I will break up with Jenna.”

„When?” 

„Soon.”

„How soon?” Eshleman insists.

„I don’t know! This week. When we’re back in Columbus.” Tyler shrugs. He’s annoyed by the interrogation and it shows. He bounces Izzy in his arms, pacing around the room.

„You can’t date two people at the same time.” Mark says. „You’re not the kind of guy who runs away from honesty. I know you, Tyler. You’d never let something like this go this far.”

„It’s only been a couple of days, okay? There’s never been a good time for a serious talk. I just can’t drop this on Jenna like that! A few more days will not make any difference! I will break up with her, okay? I will. But not _right now_.”

Mark sighs, letting his head fall back against the backrest of the chair. He rubs his hands over his face and not taking his eyes off the ceiling, starts speaking again.

„Don’t you understand that it’s not fair towards both of them? By being with both of them at the same time, you're not only cheating on Jenna - you're cheating on Josh too, every time you're with her. Jenna may be oblivious to everything but have you seen the look on this boy's face? You're breaking his heart.”

„No, Mark...” Josh tries to argue, finally finding his courage to interrupt the argument.

„Yes, Josh.” Eshleman says and looks at him. „You can't lie about this. You _love_ him, it freaking radiates from you - anyone can see it from miles away, and all this bastard-” He points at Tyler again. „-does is to come back to Jenna every night. And it hurts you because he promised you something and you’re waiting for him but he does absolutely nothing to change that!”

„Mark, calm down.” The drummer says quietly. „Please, don’t put the whole blame on him.”

„Shut up, Josh. I may be taking your side now but if the roles were reversed, I wouldn’t even try to stop myself from giving you a lecture either.” Mark scoffs. „You both need to understand that this is not good, not fair and not healthy. It’s a big mess and the sooner Tyler cleans it up, the better. I don’t even want to think what Jenna will do after she finds out she’s been cheated on for so long.”

„You make me look like the worst piece of _shit_.” Tyler mumbles quietly, looking down at Izzy. She’s starting to get sleepy so he grabs the pink blanket from the crib, wraps it around her and starts rocking her in his arms.

„Look.” Mark says, leaning forward and looking at both of them. „If you’re afraid of being judged, I can promise you, no one will say a bad word about this. After everything you have gone through _together_ , for _years_ , no one will even blink if you suddenly announce that you’re in a relationship.”

„We are not.” Josh doesn’t know when those three words left his mouth but suddenly there are two pairs of eyes burning holes in his head. 

„W-what?” Tyler stutters out.

„We’re not official, we’ve never established anything, this is not a relationship.” He shrugs. „I don’t want to call this a _relationship_ until you’re with Jenna.”

„Okay.”

„Okay.”

„I’m glad you talked it out but we’re getting sidetracked here.” Mark interrupts.

„Look, Mark.” Tyler sighs. „I don’t know what this is, okay? _We_ don’t know what this is. It happened, it turns out that we both have feelings for each other but the whole situation is _too fresh_ to be one hundred percent sure about anything. Josh still needs to introduce Izzy to people and believe me, some of them are not as supportive as you think. We have to make sure that everyone warms up to her before we drop another bomb. All I know is that I want to be with Josh but we can’t rush anything. I understand why you’re not happy with me about this whole cheating thing but believe me, I hate myself for screwing with Jenna’s feelings like that. She doesn’t deserve this. But she also doesn’t deserve to be dumped without any explanation. That’s why I want to wait until we’re back in Columbus, just the two of us, and talk without any witnesses. And yes, maybe I should have done this earlier, maybe I should have done this right after I realized that the feelings are mutual but I keep postponing it because…” Tyler hesitates and takes a deep breath. There’s a hint of fear in his eyes, like he knows he said too much.

„Because…?” Mark quirks his eyebrow.

„Nothing.”

„Tyler.”

„Okay. Okay. _Screw this_.” The singer shakes his head and looks the drummer straight in the eyes. „I was afraid, Josh. I _am_ afraid. I may seem confident but somewhere in the back of my head, a tiny annoying voice keeps saying that this is just a big joke to you. I’m afraid that after I break up with Jenna, you will change your mind and I will be left with nothing. I’m a coward and I need a backup plan, okay? I need to know that if one thing doesn’t work out, there’s still something I can come back to.” He tilts his head and kisses Izzy’s tiny nose. „And I’m sorry.” He finishes quietly. „I’m sorry.”

„Well.” Mark clears his throat after the room falls silent for too long. „That took a deep turn really quickly.” 

Tyler’s confession leaves Josh speechless for a few long minutes. How could he make this all about himself? How could he forget about Tyler, his insecurities and fears? How could he forget that Tyler likes to hide behind the mask of confidence but in reality, he always overthinks everything? Of course, Josh is not the only one who’s afraid. Of course, he’s not the hub of the universe, of course, he’s not the only one whose problems count. 

When he finally snaps back into reality, he crosses the room in four quick steps, throwing his arms around Tyler’s neck and bringing him close for a hug. The singer embraces him back with one arm, still holding Izzy with the other. He pushes his face into the crook of Josh’s neck.

„Tyler.” Josh breathes out, tightening the hug. „ _Tyler_.”

„I’m sorry.”

„Tyler, I love you _so much_ , I couldn’t- I wouldn’t-” 

„I know.” Tyler nods against his shoulder. „I know you wouldn’t lie to me. I don’t know why I thought- I really don’t know.”

„It’s okay.”

„I will break up with Jenna, I swear, I will.”

„I know, Tyler.” Josh whispers in his ear. „It’s okay. I know you will. Take your time, yeah? Remember what I promised you? I will wait as long as you need me to.”

„Stop this or I’m gonna cry.” Mark’s voice rings behind their backs. „Only you, you bastards, are able to make me angry, annoyed, confused and so emotional in a matter of hours.”

„Come on, Mark. You love us.” Josh smiles, pulling away from Tyler. He looks down at his sleepy daughter and strokes her cheek. Tyler holds her closer, rocks her gently and starts singing a lullaby until her eyelids start to close. 

„I do. God help me.” Mark sighs dramatically. „Well, Izzy is ready for bed so I guess it’s my cue to leave.”

„Wait for me.” Tyler says quickly between the lines of _Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star._

„I'm flying to Ohio tomorrow afternoon.” Josh blurts out suddenly, making the singer look up with a frown.

„So soon?”

„Yeah.”

„Jenna really wants to meet her high school friend so I guess we will fly a few days later. Will you be alright?”

„Yeah. I'm flying with dad and Abigail. Jordan is staying with Aaron.”

„Okay.” Tyler nods, still rocking the creature in his arms. „I'm gonna walk Mark back. Are you both all set for the night? Do you have everything you need?”

„Yes, we do.”

„Good.” The singer looks down at Izzy and kisses her forehead. Then he lowers her to her crib and covers her with a blanket. She sucks harder on her pacifier for a while and sighs in her sleep but then her breathing goes back to normal. Tyler smiles and turns around. „We need to be in the office at 9, so I'll come to get you around 8:30.”

„We will be ready.”

Tyler stops in the middle of the room and looks between Josh and Mark who stands by the door, keeping his hand on the doorknob. He hesitates for a moment but then his face changes, he takes a few quick steps towards Josh, rests his hands on the drummer’s cheeks and gives him a long and loving kiss. 

„Goodnight.” He whispers against Josh's lips when they part. 

„Oh my God, just get married already.” Mark groans and rolls his eyes. „Buy a house, have babies. No, wait! You already _have_ a baby.”

The last sentence makes both of them chuckle.

„Shut up, Mark.” Tyler says and steals one more short kiss from the drummer. „Sleep well. See you tomorrow.”

„See you.” Josh smiles and watches his friends leave the room. 

Before the door closes, he catches the sight of Mark slapping the back of Tyler's head and his comment: _you’re lucky you’re my best friends_ , and the singer's quiet hiss: _jeez, that hurt, cut it out!_

He smiles, glances at Izzy one more time and disappears in the bathroom to take a shower.


	19. Chapter 19

The next day feels like a personal hell. Josh knows it's gonna be a bad day from the moment he opens his eyes. Izzy wakes up crying at four in the morning and refuses to go back to sleep after being fed. There’s a throbbing headache inside his skull and Josh wants this day to already end. 

By the time Tyler knocks on the door at 8:30 sharp, Josh is in a full-on annoyance mode. Before they leave the room, he's on the verge of bursting into tears, he snaps at Tyler twice and takes a step back when the singer leans in to give him a kiss. Tyler gives up on trying to make him talk after probably the tenth _I'm fine_ coming from the drummer's mouth. He picks up Izzy and holding her with one arm and using the other to push the stroller, he leaves the room. 

After mentally slapping himself in the face, Josh gathers the rest of the things and follows his best friend. He mumbles quiet _I'm sorry_ when they're waiting for the elevator although he’s still tense and the unnecessary anger keeps building up somewhere deep inside him. Tyler doesn't say anything, only smiles briefly when their eyes meet in the mirror.

Izzy's mood is not better than Josh's. She's loud and irritated from the lack of sleep but she fights, waving her tiny fists all over the place and spitting out the pacifier every time Tyler tries to put her down for an early nap. Josh knows it's not her fault and she's not being bad on purpose: her tooth is still coming through and teething is definitely one of the least pleasant things for infants - yet it still doesn't stop him from muttering angry curses under his breath every time Izzy starts crying again. He receives death glares from Tyler each time it happens. Suddenly, he regrets turning down Jenna's offer of staying with Izzy in the hotel room. 

 

They manage to put Izzy down to sleep five minutes before the meeting and the blood boils in Josh's veins from the minute they enter Mike's office and occupy two chairs in front of a large, white, shiny desk, waiting for the man who definitely takes his time and shows up in the office twenty minutes late without any word of apology. Before they get to the point, Mike takes two more phone calls and leaves the office two more times to drop some importantly-looking documents on Marnie's desk. 

Josh doesn't feel guilty and he doesn't plan to beg for forgiveness, so he relaxes in his chair and waits. His head still hurts and he feels like crap so he decides to keep quiet until questions will be directed directly at him. For a while, he simply picks at a loose thread in a hole in the knee of his black skinny jeans (listening to Tyler and Mike dance around the main subject) and uses his foot to gently rock the stroller. When the conversation finally takes the right turn and the words _new music_ leave Mike's mouth, Josh looks up. 

„There will be tons of new music.” He says, sitting up straight in his chair. 

„Really?” Mike asks in a mocking tone, looking at the sleeping infant. „And how do you plan to do that? I wouldn't say that having a child in the middle of your blooming career is the most convenient thing.”

„We will do it exactly how we've done it many times before.” Josh hisses and there's a hand sneaking up his thigh beneath the desk, giving his leg a firm squeeze. Tyler doesn't say anything like he knows it's Josh's battle - he only gives him a silent assurance: _I'm here. If things get nasty, I'll intervene_. „Tyler will write the lyrics, then we will come up with the music. It's not that hard. Maybe it's a shocker to you but being a father doesn't affect my ability to play drums.”

„Well, in my opinion-” Mike starts but Josh has had enough.

„I don't care about your opinion!” Josh snaps. „What are you trying to achieve by this? We can easily tell you _goodbye_ , I bet many labels would be more than happy to have us as their band!” He stands up, slapping Tyler’s hand away and the singer looks up at him with his mouth wide open. „Sue us, for all I care. I'll pay you for any inconvenience with my own money. I'm tired of being treated like the worst failure just because I have a child now. I'm twenty-eight years old, I can make my own _fucking_ decisions and I know what I got myself into.”

He sends Mike one more murderous glare before there's a long whine coming from the stroller. Of course, the creature would wake up - Josh didn’t even try to be quiet with his rant. He looks at two speechless men in front of him, takes a step back and picks up his daughter, kissing her temple when she nuzzles her face against his shoulder and seeks the warmth in the crook of his neck. 

„Excuse me.” He mumbles angrily, snatches Izzy's bag from the stroller and marches out of the office, straight to the family restroom. He lays Izzy down on the diaper-changing table and pinches the bridge of his nose, exhaling shakily. „What have I done, Izzy?” He whispers and she looks at him with her dark eyes, making a noise with the pacifier still in her mouth. „I think I just ruined our band's career. I'm so stupid. So, so stupid.”

He's done changing Izzy's diaper when the door opens and Tyler steps inside. 

„Josh-”

„I'm sorry.” Josh says before Tyler can form a proper sentence. „I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-”

„Dude, are you kidding? That was amazing.” Tyler chuckles. „That was actually amazing! I didn't see that coming, absolute savage!”

„He kicked us out?”

„What? No...” Tyler quirks his eyebrow. „He just _politely_ asked me _if_ we could give him a taste of the new material sometime soon - if we have any.” He says with a smile but then his face falls as soon as he sees that Josh is definitely not in the mood for jokes. „Josh, what's wrong? And please, don't tell me that you're fine. You've been like this since morning, you're like a ticking time bomb and somehow I feel that the confrontation with Mike wasn't even the final explosion.”

„It's just a bad day. You have bad days too.” He shrugs, turning to Izzy. He fixes her clothes, throws the dirty diaper into the trash can and picks her up.

His throat is dry and his chest feels too tight. His self-control is on the edge and he knows he will let go of his emotions sooner or later. He almost wants to laugh, realizing that Fueled by Ramen's bathrooms have seen more breakdowns in the last two days than probably in the whole existence of the Paramount Plaza building.

„Josh-”

„Look, I'll try my best to make this whole thing work, okay?” Josh interrupts, looking Tyler straight in the eyes. „I will try. But if I can't handle this, I'll do everything I can to keep you in the label. I can find you a decent drummer, okay? I will sit and listen to every single audition tape and choose the best one out there. If you don't want another drummer, that's alright. You can be a solo artist. With your creativity, the whole music industry can lick your shoes.” He says. „I will be here and I will try to make this work but if I fail, I won't let you give up on your dreams. You're _not allowed_ to give up on your dreams, do you understand me? I won't be the one who puts a ceiling on your dreams.”

„Stop it!” Tyler says and shakes his head. He looks almost offended. „I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear about finding another drummer or going solo!”

„But-”

„No! This is _bullshit_ , Josh! We're in this together. I'm doing this with you or I'm not doing this at all.” He whisper-shouts but then he sighs and takes a step closer. He puts one of his hands on Josh's shoulder and strokes Izzy's head with the other. „I want you to stop thinking about it, okay? I don't want you to stress yourself out. Let's live in the present time because you need to focus on this sweet thing in the first place.” He grins, bopping the creature on her tiny nose. It makes her smile at him and she rests her head on her father's shoulder. She's still sleepy after being woken up from her nap so abruptly. „She's your priority right now. If we manage to record another album, great. If we don't, I don't care. I just want to be with you, whatever happens.”

Josh would lie if he said that his heart didn't increase its rhythm after the last thing that left Tyler's mouth, especially when it sounded so genuine. 

„I want to be with you too.” The drummer says quietly, more to himself than Tyler but the singer hears him anyway.

„Soon. I promise.” Tyler nods. „Now, let's get out of here.”

„What about Mike?”

„After your speech, I don't think he will bother us for a while.” Tyler smiles. He leans in and kisses Josh on the cheek. „My rebellious drummer.”

„I still feel like I crossed the line.”

„No, Josh. You’re allowed to stand up to people who try to bring you down. I know you hate conflicts and it's hard for you to confront anyone like that so I'm even more proud of you that you did it.”

 

Back in the hotel, they gather in Josh's room and eat pizza that Jenna ordered before their arrival. Josh can't bring himself to have a proper talk with any of them. He listens to their quiet conversation, watches Jenna typing something on her phone, making plans with her friend. He watches the scene and realizes that this is probably the last time the three of them are spending their time together.

It's difficult to predict Jenna's possible reaction to the _I'm-breaking-up-with-you_ bomb that Tyler is supposed to drop on her. Will she be angry? Disappointed? Understanding? Happy for them? They've been friends for years and Josh knows that she's very open-minded, yet he realizes that he doesn't know her at all - not as much as he'd love to, not enough to guess what will happen. 

The next couple of hours pass by like a blur. Everything is too slow and too fast at the same time. Too slow - because he wants to be done with the day as soon as possible. Too fast - because before he knows it, he's hugging Tyler and Jenna goodbye, leaves the hotel with Abigail, boards the plane and climbs out of the car in the middle of his parents’ driveway. 

Josh doesn't remember much, only yelling and bits and pieces of the argument that happened one minute after he stepped inside his family house, pushing Izzy in the stroller. He's glad he didn't take out his bags from the trunk of the car right after they arrived. It was a weird feeling in his gut that prevented him from slipping into a comfortable state of being in the familiar house. 

 

He doesn't know how long he's been sitting in the car in the Walmart parking lot but it's already dark outside. He's surprised that Izzy is sleeping in her seat instead of screaming her head off, demanding food. 

His eyes sting but he doesn't feel like crying. He stares blankly at the people entering and leaving the supermarket, replying the argument scene over and over again in his head, swallowing hard every time he remembers his mother's face and the cold stare.

„You need to leave.” Laura.

„Laura, stop this.” Bill.

„He needs to leave, I don't want him under my roof.” Laura.

„Where do you want him to stay!?” Abigail.

„I don't care!” Laura.

„This is my house too and I'm telling you that he is staying.” Bill.

„Dad, it's fine. I promise it's fine.” Josh.

„It's not fine!” Bill.

„Mom, are you crazy?!” Abigail. 

„So there's absolutely no chance we could talk and work out some kind of a compromise?” Josh.

„I’ve already told you what I expect from you, Joshua. You still haven’t listened.” Laura.

„I won't listen. I'm not marrying Debby.” Josh.

„You need to leave then. I will not have this bastard child under my roof.” Laura.

„For God's sake!” Bill. 

„Mom! This is your son! You can't just throw him out!” Abigail.

„A real son would obey his mother's orders.” Laura.

„This is the twenty-first century, not the Middle Ages! You can't make him marry the girl he doesn't love!” Abigail.

„He could think before he jumped in bed with her.” Laura.

Josh couldn't stand it any longer. This was not how he imagined this meeting going, so he left the house, slamming the door on his way out. Climbing inside the car, he could still hear Abigail’s loud yelling coming from inside of the house. Ignoring his father's plea to stay, he rolled the window up and drove away. He stopped next to the Walmart and has been sitting there with his forehead resting on the steering wheel since then.

He promised Tyler he would call him after talking to Laura but now he's not sure if he wants to do that. After a few more minutes, he decides he needs to hear his best friend’s voice to not go insane. 

He fishes his phone out of the pocket and dials the familiar number, ignoring all the missed calls and unread messages. 

„She kicked me out.” Josh says quietly, as soon as Tyler's _hello?_ echoes on the other side of the line. He looks over his shoulder to check up on Izzy but she's still sleeping soundly in her seat.

„What!?”

„She got into a fight with me, she got into a fight with dad and Abigail, and she kicked me out. Out of the house.” He laughs although tears are already streaming down his face. „This is, like, I don’t know- Some kind of angsty high-school fanfiction drama? I swear to God.”

„Where are you? I'll call Zack, he will pick you up.” The singer says and Josh hears the hint of anger in his voice. There are loud noises in the background so Tyler's probably out with Jenna, maybe in a restaurant or a club.

„Don't call anyone. I have a car we rented at the airport.”

„Then drive to my house. Or my parents' house.”

„I- I think I will go back to the airport. I need to go back to LA.”

„So you want to wait for God knows how long for the flight, with an infant in your arms, in the middle of the night? Josh. You have the key, go to my place.” Tyler insists. Josh pinches the bridge of his nose and exhales shakily. „Are you crying?”

„No.” Josh says quickly. The noises in the background quiet down a little bit and soon, the only thing he hears is Tyler's voice.

„Josh, I'm so sorry. You don't deserve any of this.” Tyler says soothingly. „I know it's hard and you're upset but you both need to rest, okay? Think about Izzy. Go to my house and sleep in a normal bed. Please. It won't make any difference if you fly back now or in the morning. Can you do that for me?”

„I'm so tired of this, Tyler.” Josh sobs.

„I know, sweetheart. I know.” The singer sighs. „Do you want to wait for me in Columbus? I’ll be there the day after tomorrow.”

„No. No, no, no. I need to get out of here, I can't stay here longer than necessary, this city is suffocating me.” He chokes out. There's a long moment of silence between them. „Are you mad?” Josh asks quietly.

„At you? Never. Why would I be?”

„It seems like currently everyone is mad at me.”

„I don't have a reason to be mad at you. But I'm really mad at your mother. What she's doing is wrong, it's so _fucking_ wrong and none of this is your fault. I understand why you want to leave and I will try to join you as soon as I can, okay? Now, listen. You're gonna take a deep breath and drive to my house – carefully - and make yourself at home. You will rest and get some sleep, clear your mind and wait with making any decisions until morning.”

„Okay.” Josh nods, even though Tyler can't see him. „Okay.”

„If you need anything, just call me. I will have my phone with me all the time.”

„Thank you, Ty.”

„It's gonna be alright.” The singer says. _Yeah_ , Josh thinks, _you always say this but look, it never happens_. „Josh?”

„Hmm?”

„Don't do anything stupid.”

„What do you mean?”

„Just... Just hold on, okay? We will be together in no time and everything will be alright, _I promise_.”

 

Josh has been inside Tyler's house countless of times before, yet he has never felt more out of place than he feels right now. He feels like an intruder, a very bad thief who's having second thoughts and is about to get caught. The house is dead quiet and the sound of flicking the light switch on makes Josh jump on the spot. Standing in the hallway already feels like invading his best friend's privacy - being invited over is one thing but letting himself inside when the owners are not home is a completely different story.

The house is big. It's not a millionaire's mansion but it's definitely much bigger than an average American house. It's spacious - with high ceilings and large windows, wooden floors and bright walls. Jenna's presence is noticeable everywhere: colorful pictures on the walls, cookbooks lined up on the counter in the kitchen, random make-up items in the bathroom. 

Josh doesn't have the courage to even peek inside the main bedroom. He doesn't dare to just walk in there and take the biggest bed. Instead, he chooses the smallest guest bedroom where the bed is pushed all the way to the wall. If Izzy is supposed to sleep with him in one bed, he needs to be sure that she won't roll off. 

He feeds Izzy without waking her and gently moves her from the carrier to the bed. Josh can't remember the last time they slept in one bed together. It's quite overwhelming - being this close to his own child, feeling the warmth of her tiny body, listening to her calm breathing. It's the first time in a long time he truly looks at her, catching every tiny detail of her face: she's a perfect combination of him and Debby - it seems like their genes mixed together in ideal proportion. 

It's still hard to believe that this tiny creature belongs to him, that he’s her _father_ and he was partially responsible for creating her. He loves her. It's funny that it took so much hate aimed towards him, so many unsupportive people and one evening of laying together in Tyler's bed to realize that he really does love his child and he wouldn't have it any other way.

He sends a quick _I miss you_ text to Debby and watches Izzy for a few more minutes, caressing her little arm. When he touches her palm, she wraps her little fingers around his thumb and sighs happily. 

Josh flicks the lamp off and falls asleep. The creature never lets go of his finger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I finally end Josh's suffering?  
> a) yes, you've been torturing him for the last 19 CHAPTERS  
> b) no, make him suffer some more


	20. Chapter 20

A loud, squeaky babbling and an impatient fidgeting wake Josh up. The room is bright and the sheets are completely pushed down to the edge of the mattress. Izzy is awake, laying on her stomach with her head up high but it's not her face that greets him. 

„Look at these cute little feet.” Josh chuckles, propping himself up on his elbow and tickling one of her heels. „How did you even manage to end up like this, huh?” He sits up and notices that she doesn't have her pacifier. He looks around and spots it right next to the pillow. „Oh, you've lost your binky and you've been looking for it? Look, here it is. It was right behind you.”

She smiles at the sight of the pacifier and widely opens her mouth. She rolls onto her back after being reunited with her pink best friend and starts kicking her feet. 

„Hi, monkey! Did you sleep well?" Josh picks her up, kisses her on the nose and holds her up on his straightened arms. Then, he puts her on his bended knees and starts rocking her back and forth, making plane noises. „You’re flying, baby!”

They play on the bed for a few more minutes. Izzy laughs and lets out a few high-pitched screams when Josh blows raspberries on her belly and plays peek-a-boo with her. He covers her with a blanket and waits until she frees herself from underneath the soft material and smiles widely, babbling happily. It’s one of her favorite activities and she loves being surprised.

Later, after a short cuddling session, he changes her diaper and takes her to the kitchen. He flicks the electric kettle on and sighs.

„I know, I know.” He says when she waves her arms all over the place, almost hitting him in the face. „Milk again. Sorry. I promise, once we’re back home we're gonna try new delicious things, okay? Maybe sweet potatoes, what do you think? I know you’re a big girl now and you want to eat real food but your father is a loser so he’s trying to choose the easiest way out.”

He walks around the kitchen, bouncing Izzy in his arms and waiting for the water to boil when the sound of the front door opening reaches his ears. His heart starts hammering in his chest as he takes two steps back, pressing his back against the counter and looking around, searching for some kind of a weapon. There are only two options: either Tyler and Jenna got back early from New York or there's a burglar in the house. But what kind of burglar would try to rob the house at seven in the morning? 

He listens to the sound of the door closing, listens to someone kicking their shoes off in the hallway. _Okay_ , Josh thinks, _not a burglar then. A burglar would not care about taking off their shoes_. He takes a deep breath and walks towards the source of the noise. When he steps out into the hallway, he suddenly stands face to face with a woman who lets out a gasp and presses a hand to her chest.

„Kelly?” Josh frowns.

„Josh!” Tyler’s mother breathes out. „You scared me so bad!”

„What are you doing here?”

„Well, I could probably ask you the same question! I didn't know you're here!” She laughs nervously and glances at the creature, trying her best to look surprised but it's not really working. Josh knows she must have seen the car in the driveway. „Oh my gosh! Who’s this?” 

„This is Izzy, my daughter.” He says. „But I have a feeling that you already know this.” Josh adds quietly.

„She's so cute! Hello, sweetheart!” The woman smiles, ignoring his last comment and leans down to have a better view of the infant. „Hi! Hi there!”

„Kelly...” The drummer starts, looking at her suspiciously, slowly putting all the pieces together. „Why are you here?”

„Oh, I usually just come around when Tyler is away. Just keeping an eye on the house, you know? And watering the plants.”

„Kelly, it's _seven_ in the morning.”

„I was in the neighborhood?”

Kelly Joseph can't lie to save her life. Josh rolls his eyes and lets out a frustrated sigh, turning on his heel and walking back to the kitchen. He starts preparing the bottle, holding Izzy with one hand. He's not afraid of dropping her, he's mastered this skill enough in the last couple of months.

„He called you, didn't he?” He asks, standing with his back turned to the woman, putting a few spoons of the formula in the bottle. 

„Look, he was worried.” Kelly sighs in defeat, shuffling closer and leaning against the counter next to him.

„ _Don't do anything stupid_.” Josh repeats Tyler's words in a mocking tone, shaking the bottle. „What did he think I would do? Hang myself? Slit my wrists open? I'm upset but not suicidal.” He says angrily. 

He's trying to scare her away and he doesn't even know why. She hasn't said anything bad about him or his daughter and she doesn't deserve to be treated like this, yet his mind switches into a full-on defensive mode, trying to make her go away as soon as possible. 

Josh turns towards the leaving room and Kelly follows him without a word. He sits down on the couch, putting a pillow on his lap and placing Izzy on top of it. He replaces her pacifier with the bottle and she immediately starts sucking, trying to wrap her hand around the bottle.

„Josh, I'm not gonna lie. Tyler told me where Izzy came from and what’s going on with Laura.” Kelly says when Josh doesn't make any attempts to continue the conversation. He tenses and clenches his jaw. „You need to know that neither I nor Chris share her opinion. We're both very proud of you for making such mature decisions.”

He has to do a doubletake to understand what she said and he looks up at her with a slightly shocked expression on his face.

„You- You are?” He stutters out. 

„Of course!” Kelly smiles. „It takes an unbelievable amount of courage to decide to stay a single parent. From what I've heard, you're doing fantastic.”

„I'm not.” He mumbles and shakes his head. „There are so many things I don't know... There are many things I keep screwing up. Sometimes I still can't calm her down when she's crying and sometimes I wish she wasn't born at all. What does that say about me?”

„Josh.” The woman reaches out and puts her hand on his arm. „I have never been a perfect parent either. No one ever is! Raising a child is not rainbows and butterflies, it's a constant emotional battle. Sometimes I couldn't handle things either. Sometimes I wished I could just gag them when they cried and keep them locked in the basement for another month. Especially Tyler. He was really loud. He still is, look - he's never stopped screaming.” Kelly chuckles and it makes him smile. „Parenting is a never-ending lesson. You learn every day, every minute. No one expects you to be perfect.”

„Thanks.” He says quietly, looking down at his daughter.

„Do you want me to talk to Laura?”

„No, please. I don't want her to hate you for taking my side. You're friends, I don't want you to fight.”

„I'm not scared of her.” Kelly laughs. „If no one can get that through her thick skull, maybe I will.”

„Don't. Please, don't. I don't want to make this worse.” 

A long moment of silence falls between them. Izzy lets go of the bottle when she’s done eating and Josh puts her on his shoulder waiting for her to burp. He takes a couple of toys out of his suitcase and puts them on the floor, letting Izzy play on the carpet.

„Josh...” Kelly starts silently when he's back from the kitchen after washing the bottle. „Tyler also told me about the other thing.”

„What _other thing_?” He frowns, sitting down next to her on the couch.

„About what's going on between the two of you.”

_What._

„What?” He breathes out with difficulty, feeling his stomach clench. He doesn't know if he should play dumb or just admit everything. „I don't know what you're talking about.” He says, avoiding her gaze.

„You're both grown up men, I believe you both know what you're doing.”

„Kelly, I really don't-”

„Josh, what are you afraid of?” She asks, looking at him softly. „You have nothing to be afraid of.” She says and his breathing picks up. When she sees that he's not willing to talk, she continues. „Look at me. Do you see this?” The woman points to the dark circles under her eyes. „I slept less than two hours last night. I spent half of the night on the phone with my son, listening to him explaining the whole situation and crying to the point where he couldn't breathe, begging me to check up on you and apologizing about disappointing me again. _Again_ , Josh. He's convinced that I'm still holding grudges against him because he chose music over basketball and education. And now, he thinks I'm disappointed because he _loves a boy_. I can only be disappointed in myself that I've made him think that I still have expectations towards him and he can't live his life the way he wants to or share it with whoever he wants to.” Kelly says and Josh doesn't even try to hold back his tears anymore. Izzy rolls onto her stomach and looks at him with curiosity in her eyes. He waves at her, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand and she goes back to chewing on the rubber end of her rattle. „Josh.” Kelly continues, trying to catch his attention. „Me and Chris, we love our children. And we want to see them happy. And you, you're basically our child too. You became our fifth child after Tyler befriended you and after you practically started living in our house before the two of you went away to see the world. You make Tyler happy and I know that Tyler makes you happy too. And believe me, nothing else matters to me at this point.”

„So...” Josh sniffles. „So you don't think it's wrong?”

„Love is never wrong.” She smiles. „I want you both to be true to yourself.”

„I love him, Kelly.” The drummer chokes out. „I love him. I'm _in love_ with your son.”

„I know, honey. I know. He loves you too.” Kelly says, shifting closer and wrapping him in a hug. He falls into her embrace and cries on her shoulder. „I'm proud of you, Josh. I’ve been watching you for years now. I’ve seen the way you treat him, the way you care about him, the way you’re always there for him. Should I be surprised? Probably. Am I? Not really. I'm glad you have each other. I will never think any less of any of you.”

„I feel so bad for Jenna.” He sobs. „She's great and she doesn't deserve it.”

„Let's hope she understands.”

„And- Chris is alright with all of that?”

„Well... You will probably get the _if you hurt my son..._ speech at some point but yes, he's alright with everything.” She laughs, still holding him close and gently stroking his hair. „It was a long night. We had a lot of time to talk.”

„I’m sorry, Kelly. I’m so sorry.”

„You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for.” Tyler’s mother says. „Have you booked your tickets to Los Angeles yet?”

„Uhm, no?”

„Good. Pack your things, you’re coming home with us.”

„Was this Tyler’s idea as well?”

„I would lie if I said it wasn’t.” Kelly laughs. „He wants you to stay in Columbus and wait for him here. They’re coming back tomorrow. There’s only me and Chris in the house, Jay is away for the whole week. No one will bother you and we can get to know this little angel a little bit more.” She looks at the creature who’s babbling loudly, trying to grab the rattle that rolled away from her and stopped out of her reach. 

„I’m not helping you.” Josh says when Izzy looks up at him. „Figure it out by yourself.”

 

He doesn’t even try to argue with Kelly anymore. He collects his things, cleans up the guest bedroom and leaves the house, following her outside. He is but at the same time he’s not surprised when he notices another car parked in the driveway and Chris waiting for them in the driver’s seat of the silver van. Josh’s stomach clenches slightly at the sight of Tyler’s father (he’s always been a little intimidated by the man) but he relaxes once the older man climbs out of the car, smiles at him and waves playfully at the creature, greeting her.

Kelly insists on keeping Josh company so she sends Chris home and climbs into the passenger seat of Josh’s rental car. After a quick discussion about Izzy’s eating habits, they decide to stop by the store. Kelly comes back with a whole bag of fresh vegetables and a few jars of baby food. Josh doesn’t want to bring her down by explaining that he’s not planning to stay in Columbus for too long and it’s definitely too much, so he only smiles at her and drives in the direction of Tyler’s family house. 

When they finally park the car and get inside, Tyler’s father is nowhere to be seen.

„Chris?” Kelly calls out.

A moment later a loud crashing sound comes from upstairs, followed by the excited shout.

„I knew it was here!”

„What on Earth are you doing up there?”

„Just come to the attic, you will see yourself!”

Josh follows Kelly upstairs, holding Izzy in his arms. When they enter the dusty attic, Josh’s eyes widen at the sight. Chris is bending down, emptying… a crib. There’s a wooden crib in the corner of the room, full of different things and boxes that Chris tries to put away. 

„Oh my Lord!” Kelly gasps. „It’s Jay’s crib!”

„I just remembered that we never really got rid of it.” Chris chuckles, looking at Josh. „I will take it downstairs and clean it up so Isabel can sleep in it tonight or every time when you come to visit.”

Josh finds himself speechless. It’s an unfamiliar feeling, being treated like this and not being shouted at. In the last couple of hours, he’s received more understanding and love from Tyler’s parents than from his own mother. He takes a shaky breath and Kelly puts her hand on his shoulder, pushing him gently towards the door and leading him downstairs again. 

„Thank you.” Josh says quietly. „Thank you. I- It's-”

„It's okay, Josh.” Kelly smiles. „You can leave Izzy with me and bring your things inside. Come on, sweetheart.” She takes the creature in her arms and Josh leaves them in the kitchen, surprisingly without receiving any noise of complaint from his daughter. 

Tyler and Zack’s old bedroom hasn’t changed since the last time Josh was there and he realizes it was probably during shooting the _Stressed Out_ music video. Photos and trophies are still in the same spot, exactly like he remembers. He drags his suitcase to the room and drops it on the floor next to Zack’s bed. 

He sits down on the bed, rests his elbows on his knees, and rubs his hands over his face. He grabs one of the pillows and presses it against his chest, burying his nose in the soft material. _It's okay_ , he tells himself. _It's okay, Tyler is coming back tomorrow, it's okay._

Izzy immediately steals Josephs' hearts - it's obvious from the beginning. They play with her and look at her like she's their own granddaughter. Josh has not much to do since Kelly feeds and changes her, she even puts her down for her afternoon nap.

The crib is ready in the evening. Chris manages to clean it up and even drives to the store and buys a new mattress and the bedding. When Josh pulls out his wallet to return the money, Chris just pats him in the back and laughs. _Don't be ridiculous_ , he says.

Josh cries himself to sleep that night. This time, he doesn't feel upset. They’re tears of relief. 

 

Izzy wakes up crying at three in the morning but Josh gives her water and cuddles on the bed with her until she falls asleep again, whimpering softly. She wakes up again at six and the drummer knows he won't get any more sleep when she starts babbling loudly straight into his ear and pulls on his hair. 

He's antsy and jumpy all day. The realization that Tyler is back on Columbus makes his stomach do countless backflips. Josh hasn't heard from him since they talked after the confrontation with Laura and he has no idea when he might expect him to drop by or what is Tyler's plan when it comes to Jenna. He catches himself wandering from one window to another, anxiously biting his lip and glancing at the empty street. Kelly sends him a smile but doesn't say anything about his nervous pacing. 

It's a late afternoon when he finally gets a short text from Tyler.

_I'll call you in a minute. Please, don't hung up._

„What?” He mumbles under his nose.

„What?” Kelly looks up at him from the floor when she sits with Izzy on the carpet.

„I just got a really weird text from Tyler.” He frowns. Before he can type the reply, his phone buzzes again and the singer’s face shows up on the screen. „Oh. It's him. Do you mind if I-” He points towards the hallway.

„Not at all, take your time.”

„Thanks.” He nods and runs out of the living room, straight to Tyler's bedroom. He answers the call. „Hello?” He says but doesn't get a reply. There are only weird noises on the other side of the line and he definitely hears Jenna's voice in the background. Tyler says something too but his voice is muffled like the mic of the phone is covered with something. „Tyler?” Josh looks at his phone for a few seconds but then presses it close to his ear again. „Ty? Can you hear me?”

Finally, there's a crash and Josh jumps up at the sudden noise. He knows that the phone hit something but suddenly everything is clear. The voices are quiet but he can definitely understand what is being said. He can hear Jenna talking about a new apple pie recipe she got from her friend and Tyler keeps humming softly under his nose. 

_What the heck is going on?_ Josh thinks, waiting for something to happen.

„Hey, Jen? Can we talk?” Tyler says and Josh frowns.

„Sure, babe!” Jenna's cheery voice rings on the other side. A smacking sound follows shortly after. A kiss. „About what?”

„Let's sit down.”

„You look nervous. Is everything alright?”

„Yes. Well, no. Not really... I need to talk to you about something. About _us_ actually.”

Josh gasps. He's starting to realize what's going on. He sits down on the bed and listens, pressing his phone even closer to his ear with a shaking hand.

„Oh?” Jenna sounds surprised. He can imagine her frowning at Tyler. 

„Whatever I say, please, let me finish. I need you to understand.”

„Tyler, you're freaking me out. Just... Just speak.”

„Look, Jenna. There are- Uh. Sometimes certain situations in life make you look at things differently. They make you look back at everything you achieved, everything you've done and they make you wonder if you're really content with what you have right now.”

„Okay?”

„I've experienced many situations that made me _think_ but were never important enough to make me _change_ something in my life.” Tyler says and Josh feels like throwing up. „Recently, I've been faced with one of those situations again. And believe me, it was- _it is_ , a big deal. It's a big deal and it makes me feel things I've never felt before, things I've never dared to let myself feel before.”

„And? Your point is?” Jenna asks, clearly impatient.

„Jenna, this is something life-changing. And I'm- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry but we can't continue this relationship.”

Josh's heart stops. He’s sure that Jenna stopped breathing as well. There's a long moment of silence on the other side of the line but then the girl clears her throat.

„W-what?” She stutters out.

„There's someone else and I have really strong feelings for them.” Tyler says quickly but his voice is steady. He sounds confident and Josh bites his hand to stop himself from letting out any sound. „I'm sorry, Jenna. I loved you. I really did. Hell, I still love you, you're my best friend! I know we had plans, I know you've expected much more from me but I- I can't give you what you want.”

„Tyler...”

„I don't want to be that kind of guy who’s seeing someone else behind his girlfriend's back. Not anymore.”

„Tyler- Wait. _Not anymore_?” Jenna asks. „So you've been seeing her... for how long?”

„Jenna-”

„You've been cheating on me?”

„Jenna, please. Nothing has happened between us.”

 _We have kissed_ , Josh thinks. 

„I can't believe this.”

„Jenna, you deserve better. You deserve someone who-”

„Who won't cheat on me? No _shit_ , I do!”

Josh's breath hitches in his throat. Jenna never curses.

„Jenna, please. I don't want to part ways in anger.”

„It's a little bit too late for that, don't you think?” She snaps but then Josh can hear her sigh. „I'm not angry.” She says calmly. „I mean, I am. But I'm even more disappointed.”

„You have the right to be.” Tyler says quietly.

„I thought you wanted me to move in... I could picture us having a family together.” 

„I know, Jen. I'm sorry.”

„Why would you take me to Maui? Why would you give me hope? Why-” She starts and her voice breaks. „I can't have this conversation with you right now. I really can’t.”

„Jenna, wait! Listen to me!”

„No, Tyler! Don't you understand that-”

Josh ends the call and throws his phone aside. They both sound too heartbroken and this conversation is too private to be listened to by someone else even if Tyler thought it would be a good idea to get Josh involved.

He almost starts hyperventilating when he finally understands what happened: Tyler broke up with Jenna. Tyler kept his promise and broke up with Jenna _for Josh_. He lies down, trying to calm down. Twenty minutes later, his phone rings again - it’s Tyler but Josh can’t bring himself to answer. Tyler calls him two more times but Josh ignores him every time. 

Then he gets a text.

_Josh, please, pick up._

When he doesn’t answer another call, his phone dings again.

_I broke up with her._

_I know you listened, the call lasted over fifteen minutes._

_Josh, please, did I do something wrong?_

Josh wipes his eyes. He turns off his phone and hides it under the pillow.


	21. Chapter 21

He stays in bed, curled up and overwhelmed. No one bothers him until an hour later when there's a knock on the door. He knows he needs to get his act together, get up and take care of his daughter but before he can move a muscle, the doorknob turns. 

It's not Kelly, although Josh expected to see her face. It's Tyler, who sticks his head through the slightly ajar door and locks his eyes with Josh. The drummer swallows nervously and can't stop his eyes from watering. He hugs the pillow even closer to his chest while the singer slips into the room and quietly closes the door behind him. He walks towards the bed and sits down on the edge of the mattress, puts his hand on Josh's leg and starts rubbing it up and down his calf. 

„This is my favorite pillow.” Tyler says.

„It smells like you.” Josh replies in a raspy voice and sniffles.

Tyler shuffles closer, takes Josh's hand and encourages him to sit up. He puts the pillow aside and pulls the drummer into a hug. Josh falls into the embrace and clings to Tyler with his hands balled up in the fabric of the younger man's t-shirt. He can't stop himself from letting out a sob and pushing his nose into the crook of Tyler's neck.

The singer rubs circles on his back, rocking them gently and whispering a whole lot of nonsense into his ear just to calm him down. When Josh stops crying, Tyler looks at him, stroking the drummer's cheeks with the pads of his thumbs and wiping the remains of the tears.

„So? Did I upset you? Did I do something wrong?” Tyler asks softly.

Josh shakes his head and Tyler drops his hands to his lap. He sniffles loudly and wipes his nose with the sleeve of his pink hoodie.

„You didn't.” Josh says, holding his gaze down. „I swear, you didn't. I just- I freaked out. I didn't expect it and I could hear how angry Jenna was and I- It was too much- Because I've never thought you would but then you really did it and I- I guess I panicked.”

„I'm so sorry...” Tyler says softly. „Maybe I shouldn't have made you listen to that.”

„Yeah, well... It was a lot.”

„I'm sorry. But I needed to give you a proof since I was postponing the break-up all the time. I needed you to know that I was serious. I needed you to believe me.”

„Oh, Ty. You didn't have to prove anything to me.” Josh licks his lips and looks up shyly at the singer. „Are you- I mean, you and Jenna- Are you really done?”

„Yeah. It's over. She's supposed to get her things tomorrow.”

„This is such a mess.” Josh whimpers and Tyler wraps his arms around him again. 

„No, Josh. It _was_ a mess. Now we're slowly cleaning everything up.”

„Did you tell her it's... it's _me_?”

„No.” Tyler mumbles against his shoulder. „I didn't. I don't think it would be a good idea... She's still convinced I'm seeing another girl. Maybe it's better this way, I don't want her to hate you.” He kisses the side of Josh's neck. „Have my parents treated you well?”

„They're the best.” The drummer hums quietly. „I’ve never expected them to be so chill about everything.”

„They're not as strict as they usually seem to be. They're more open-minded than most people think.” Tyler pulls away and smiles, looking at the crib. „Where did this even come from?”

„The attic. Chris cleaned it up and bought the new mattress. Apparently, it was Jay's bed.”

„Really? Wow, I'm surprised he used to fit in this.” The singer laughs but then looks at Josh again and reaches out to push Josh's fringe from his forehead. „You really need a haircut.” He says and lets his hand linger on the drummer's cheek. „I missed you.”

„I missed you too.” Josh says, feeling himself going weepy again. „What you've done... It means so much. You- You have no idea.”

„Josh-”

„N-no.” The drummer cuts him off. „I've always feared that if you ever found out what I feel towards you... that you would freak the heck out. Or kick me out of the band. Or tell me to suck it up and then you would go on with your life, making me watch you building your future with Jenna. I still can't believe that this-” He takes Tyler's hands in his and squeezes them gently. „-is actually happening. And I'm so happy but so... _overwhelmed_ with everything. The way you treat Izzy and the fact that you accepted her and accepted my mistakes- and that you’re always there for me and that you keep helping me get through this, and you support me when it comes to confronting my mom and… _everything_ , Ty, you're _everything_ and I'm so sorry for crying again but I'm just so emotional all the time and I love you so much and-”

„I love you too.”

„-and I'm- What?” Josh looks up at him with a frown and a waterfall of tears on his cheeks. „What did you say?”

„I love you too.” Tyler smiles and Josh notices that the singer's eyes start glistening with tears as well. 

It's completely different from the way they usually exchange those words, it's not even close to the _love you, buddy!_ they use to casually say to each other on daily basis. There's something more in the way Tyler says it, there's more emotion in those four words, more meaning.

„Tyler-”

„I love you.” Tyler leans in, pressing their foreheads together. „I can finally say it, I've waited so long to say it... I love you too. Of course _I love you_. I've always loved you and I'm sorry that it took me so long to realize it.” He grins and gives Josh an Eskimo-kiss. „I'm so glad that you decided to confess your feelings and I'm so proud of you because I know how nerve-wracking it must have been. You managed to open my eyes and make me change something in my life and even if I had to lose something in order to gain another thing... I wouldn't have it any other way.”

„Really?”

„Of course.”

Josh can't wait any longer. He crashes their mouths together, pulling Tyler even closer by the back of his neck. 

„Thank you.” He says between kisses. „I'll be good to you, I promise. You won't regret it.”

„Josh.” Tyler giggles and pulls away. He places a long, loving kiss on the drummer's forehead. „You've been good to me for the last six years. Honestly, nothing really changes, don't you think? We're still the same people. We're still best friends. Don't you dare try to change, don't you dare act differently just because we have something more now. I want you to be you, okay? I'm still the same Tyler and I want you to be the same Joshua I've known for the last six years of my life.”

„That's what we are now? Best friends with benefits?” Josh asks, suddenly shy again.

Tyler tilts his chin up and makes him look up. 

„What about boyfriends, my blushing sweetness?” Tyler asks and Josh groans in embarrassment, dropping his head on the singer's shoulder. „What? You don't want to be boyfriends?”

„I want that more than anything.” Josh mumbles.

„Then what's wrong?”

„Gotta get used to hearing it.” 

„You're adorable.” The singer laughs, rubbing Josh's back. „Okay, _boyfriend_. Give me one more kiss and let's go downstairs. I want to say hi to Izzy.”

„You haven't seen her yet?” Josh asks, pecking Tyler on the lips and getting up from the bed.

„No, I haven't talked to my parents either. I literally bolted through the front door and immediately ran upstairs.”

 

When they both enter the living room, Kelly has the creature in her arms, holding her with her little back against her chest. Izzy anything but _screams_ when she sees Tyler. She starts bouncing happily and kicking her legs, making everyone laugh. 

Tyler takes her into his arms, pressing a few sloppy kisses on her cheeks. She clings to him like it’s been months since the last time they’ve seen each other.

„In the end, I was right.” Kelly sighs, sending her husband a meaningful glance.

„Well...” Chris lets out a long exhale.

„I was right, you have to admit, I was _right_.”

„But does that even count?”

„Of course it does! Just look at them!”

„What counts?” Tyler frowns. „What's going on?”

„Your father owes me money.”

„What?”

„Oh, please.” Chris groans. „I will take you out for dinner at Lindey's* tomorrow, how about that?”

„Wait!” Tyler shouts. „Wait! No. What money? What are you talking about?”

„We made a bet a few years ago.” Kelly says, crossing her arms over her chest. „I won.”

„Okay, sorry, but I still don't follow.”

„One time we made a silly bet after a few glasses of wine.” Chris chuckles. „We placed bets on which one of our kids will become a parent first. Your mother said that it would be you, I said it would be Madison. We shook hands on it.”

„But I'm not-” Tyler frowns and looks down at Izzy. „Oh... _Oh_.”

The singer blushes and turns to look at the drummer. Josh gapes, both at Tyler's shocked face and Kelly's serious expression. He bites his lip and shrugs, although the whole situations makes the butterflies in his stomach come to life. It's surreal, the way Tyler's parents act. It's surreal how lightly they approach the subject. It's surreal how easily they accept everything.

„I mean...” Josh starts, trying to help Tyler escape this awkward conversation. „We haven't established anything, it's definitely too soon, I- I don't want to make Tyler uncomfortable, I mean, he's good with her but I don't-”

„Dinner at Lindey's then.” Kelly states, cutting him off in the middle of the sentence and pointing her finger at Chris. She leaves the room a moment later and Chris follows her with a roll of his eyes.

„My parents have gone mental.” The singer says, staring at Josh.

„Tyler-” Josh gulps, nervously fiddling with his fingers. „I need you to know that I don't expect anything from you.”

„Josh, calm down. Let them think what they want, okay?” Tyler says, crossing the room and stopping in front of him. „I love both of you. It's all that matters.”

„But-”

„If you ever want me to be something more to her, I'm down. But don't stress over this too much, alright? We just got together, we have to wrap our minds around it. My parents tend to get overexcited over babies. They have four grown-up kids, the vision of becoming grandparents probably keeps them awake every night.” He chuckles and leans down, giving Josh a quick kiss. „We're together. I love you. I love Izzy. Don't be nervous. We don't need labels. End of story.”

„I love you so much.” Josh whispers.

„I love you too.” Tyler smiles, kissing Josh again.

„Boys! No funny business in my house!” Chris shouts loudly from the kitchen, making them jump away from each other. „Pizza for dinner, yes or yes?”

 

They stay in Tyler's parents' house for the next two days, giving Jenna time to collect her things. When they make sure she's done, they go back to Tyler's house and the singer convinces Josh to stay with him for a few more days although the drummer insists on flying back to LA. Since there's no bed for Izzy, Chris helps them move the crib to Tyler's place.

Waking up next to the singer is still a strange experience. It's different from the van days, it's different from napping in the back of the tour bus, it's different from squeezing on the couch in dressing rooms. 

Being used to waking up early, Josh is usually up before him. He feels like a creep, lying there and staring at Tyler's peaceful face and his slightly parted lips but he can't stop himself - everything is still new and exciting. 

When Izzy starts getting restless in her crib, he brings her to bed and lets her lie between them for a while. Tyler always wakes up because of her impatient wriggling and loud babbling. Watching their morning interactions becomes Josh's favorite thing, right after good morning kisses he always receives.

 

„What?” Josh asks one morning, when they both wake up before Izzy, and just lie there on the bed, looking at each other. Tyler lies on the top of the drummer's chest and starts tracing his finger over the skin on Josh's cheeks and nose.

„Freckles.” The singer murmurs. „I've never noticed them before. People always freak out over your back and shoulders but there are a few on your face as well.” He says, smiling. „You're so pretty. It probably sounds ridiculous but you really _are_ pretty. You're handsome and manly but at the same time you have this... this boyish charm.”

Josh cuts him off with his lips. They kiss lazily for a few minutes and Tyler's mouth keeps wandering lower, to the drummer's neck. Josh's hands ghost over Tyler's lower back and the waistband of his boxer shorts, and the younger man smirks into the kiss. 

When Tyler gets a little bit too carried away with teasing Josh by attacking his neck, the drummer flips him over in one quick move, pinning him to the bed and straddling his waist. As soon as Josh looks down on him, Tyler's hands fly to Josh's neck and bring him down for a harsh kiss.

„What are you doing?” Josh whisper-shouts when Tyler ends the kiss with more teeth than expected.

„I don't know.” The singer says quietly, shrugging innocently. „A temporary boost of confidence? Sorry.”

„No, no. Do you want...?”

„Well, I mean-”

Josh smiles. He tugs at Tyler's t-shirt, pushing it up, exposing his chest. He immediately attaches his mouth to one of Tyler's nipples. The singer lets out a shaky exhale but then a happy squeaky sound coming from their left startles both of them. 

They turn their heads towards the crib where a wide-awake Izzy sits in the center of the mattress and looks at them with wide eyes. 

Josh exhales and rolls off Tyler, who pushes his t-shirt back down. The drummer picks up his daughter and brings her to bed, laying her down on Tyler's chest.

„Hi, little c- Uh. _Fun_ blocker.”

 

Josh can't stop thinking about Jenna. As much as he wants to focus on being with Tyler and cherish his own happiness, the picture of the upset girl haunts him every day and the guilt he feels always makes his chest tight. He wants to see her before they leave for Los Angeles but he needs to do it without Tyler knowing about it.

He zones out, standing with his back pressed against the counter and a cup of coffee in his hand, trying to come up with a plan while watching Tyler feed the creature. He snaps back into reality only when the singer appears right in front of his face and boops him on the nose, giggling loudly.

„Penny for your thoughts?” 

„Sorry.” He says, rubbing his hands over his face.

„What are you thinking about?” The singer asks, pushing Izzy into his arms. He starts walking around the kitchen, picking up dirty dishes and cleaning up after their breakfast.

„Uhm... Uh... About h-how unfit I am?” He stutters out, scolding himself for not being able to come up with something better. Tyler snorts, starting to say something but then the realization hits Josh and before he can change his mind, he goes with it. „Actually, would you mind if I went out for a short run? Just around the neighborhood... I don't want to leave you alone with her but I really need to get back in shape, I'm starting to get tired climbing up the stairs so, yeah, it's not that funny anymore.”

„Right... We need to make sure that my drummer is still the hottest guy in the industry.” Tyler nods with a smirk, eyeing him up. „Sure, no problem. I will stay with Izzy, we'll have the best time. Am I right, pumpkin?” He asks and Izzy blows a couple of spit bubbles in the response.

„Eww.” Josh rolls his eyes, ripping a piece of a paper towel and wiping her chin. „Can your teeth, like, hurry up?”

 

He leaves the house an hour later when he's sure that Izzy is busy playing with Tyler. He stretches his stiff muscles and starts jogging but instead of choosing his favorite route, he takes turn through the park and jogs in a completely opposite direction. Josh doesn’t know if Jenna wants to see him, so he doesn’t warn her beforehand. He stops in front of an apartment building and waits until someone leaves through the front door. He finally slips inside after some woman.

He takes a deep breath and knocks on the door. There's sweat rolling down his forehead and he can definitely feel how much more difficult it is to make his body work properly after a couple of months without working out.

When Jenna opens the door, her eyes widen at the sight of the guest. She shakes her head and tries to close the door again but Josh blocks it with his hand.

„Wait. Jenna.”

„What do you want?” She snaps impatiently.

„To talk.”

„I'm not in the mood. Tell Tyler-”

„ _Please_.” Josh begs. He knows this is his only and probably the last chance to talk it out with her. „Tyler doesn't know I'm here.” He says quickly and she seems to be surprised by his statement. „Can I come in? Give me two minutes. I won't waste too much of your time, I promise.”

Jenna hesitates but takes a step back and lets him into her small apartment. She turns to the kitchen and comes back with a bottle of water and a small towel.

„Oh. Thank you.” He says, wiping his face and taking a big gulp of cool water.

„Yeah, whatever. So? What did you want to talk about?” She asks, leading them to the living room.

Josh sits down on the couch while Jenna stays standing in the middle of the room with her arms crossed over her chest.

„I wanted to apologize.”

„Apologize? For what?”

„I'm the reason Tyler broke up with you.” He says, feeling his heart racing in his chest.

„What?” She frowns, confused. „What does it mean?”

„I'm the person Tyler has been seeing behind your back.”

Jenna’s loud, sudden laughter startles Josh, making him jump on the spot.

„Wow. Good job. I know you're his best friend and you're trying to save his ass but this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.” She says and sits on the couch next to him. „What is he hiding? There must be something. Oh... Oh! It's someone I know, right? That's why he refused to talk about her! Is it one of my girl-friends? He's always been too nice to them.”

„No, Jenna. I'm serious. It's me.”

„Tyler is not gay.”

„No, he's not. I'm not either.”

„See!?” She raises her voice, throwing her arms in the air in frustration. „Then why would you lie?”

„Jenna, I'm telling the truth. You don't need to be one hundred percent gay or lesbian to love another person who happens to be the same gender, you know it.” He says patiently. „I'm sorry it happened. I'm sorry you got dumped after three years when you probably expected marriage, a big house and a bunch of mini-Tylers running around. I'm sorry you got hurt, I've never ever wanted you to get hurt. But we love each other, Jenna.” He sighs and watches her face slowly changing. She looks like the realization is slowly pouring down on her. „I've been in love with Tyler for the last six years. I fell in love with him long before he met you.”

„So... So what? Is this some kind of competition? Who loved him longer?”

„No, I'm just trying to make you understand.”

„I'm-” The girl starts but can't seem to be able to form a proper sentence. She hides her face in her hands and breathes deeply for a while. Then she looks up at him again. „You're actually serious, aren't you?” She asks and Josh nods. „My God!” She groans loudly and drops her arms to her sides, laughing humorlessly. „I've been so blind!”

„Jen...”

„The longing looks, gentle touches, holding hands, hugs, your photo set as his phone background... It's all been there right in front of my eyes! I've been watching my boyfriend cheat on me with his best friend. This seems like some ridiculous movie plot.”

„It's not like he's been cheating on you for years.” Josh says, trying to defend the singer. „It happened recently when he went to LA to check up on me. It's my fault, Jenna. I jumped on him. I kissed him first, I confessed everything. I was in a really bad place and I didn't care about anything, I acted before thinking. Maybe if I kept my mouth shut, we would be able to avoid this whole mess.” He hangs his head. „He told me that he couldn't do it and he needed time, and maybe if I wasn't so clingy he would never change his mind and stay with you no matter what. I feel so bad, Jenna... I think about you every day and I feel so extremely guilty because you've always been amazing and it feels like I betrayed your trust, like I betrayed my best friend.”

„Josh-”

„I'm sorry, Jenna. I'm really sorry.”

„Look, I- I wish I could say that I wish you guys all the best but-” She shakes her head. „I can't. I can't even properly process this information yet. I loved him, Josh. I really loved him, I loved him for who he is, not for the amount of cash he has on his bank account like some people out there used to think. It will take me some time to get over it but it's too soon now. I'm angry at him, I'm angry at you, gosh! I'm angry at the whole world right now. But I really appreciate your honesty. I appreciate that you came here and tried to explain and that you apologized. This- This means a lot. But I still need time.”

„I understand.” Josh nods, carefully folding the towel and putting it aside. „Well, uh... I should probably go.” He says, standing up. „I'm sorry again. Sorry for taking your time. It was probably more than two minutes.”

When he’s about to walk out of the apartment, Jenna’s voice stops him. 

„Josh?”

„Yeah?” He turns on his heel and looks at her with hope.

„Give Izzy a big kiss from me, will you?” The corners of her lips lift slightly when she leans against the doorframe.

Josh smiles.

„I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I don't know if Lindey's is as good as the Internet says it is, so forgive me if it's not but I decided to trust Google when I searched for the best restaurants in Columbus.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: mild smut.

The vision of Tyler going to California with him - this time for a little bit more permanent period of time - seems even more surreal than waking up next to him every morning and being able to kiss him _on the lips_. Even if Tyler's house is much bigger than Josh's apartment, the singer agrees to go with him without hesitation. All the necessary things are there, Izzy has her own room and staying in Columbus feels too uncomfortable considering everything that happened.

Even if Los Angeles feels too suffocating at times, this time it lets Josh breathe. The moment they step out of the plane and tell their Uber driver where to go, all the tension leaves the drummer's body. For once he feels like this is his _home_ \- this is where he belongs. 

Tyler makes himself at home right away. It's not like he's never been there before but the way he pushes Josh's clothes aside to make some room for his own things without asking for any permission and the way his belongings quickly find their own place around the apartment feels more natural than it should. He ends up wearing Josh's t-shirts more often than his own anyway. 

It feels like Tyler has been living here all this time. It feels like they never went through all the drama and they've been a happy couple this whole time. Josh loves watching him move around the kitchen, trying to cook something more impressive than mac and cheese or making a bowl of cereal, he loves watching him play with Izzy, put her to bed or give her baths. 

 

„You know...” Tyler starts, cleaning up the high chair after a failed attempt of feeding Izzy a zucchini puree. „I think we should release some kind of a... statement.”

„A statement.” Josh repeats dumbly, reaching inside the cabinet and counting their supplies of baby food jars. „About what?”

„Izzy.”

Josh turns around and looks at the singer with wide eyes. Tyler pushes the chair back to the corner of the kitchen and throws a dirty piece of the paper towel to the trash bin under the sink.

„But you said I don't have to.”

„Yeah, well...” The singer scratches the back of his neck. „Mark texted me the other day, saying that the fans won't leave him alone. Since we’re both inactive on social media, they've been harassing him and Brad for a while now, asking for explanations. You know they're not the type of friends who would say something without your permission so they've kept silent this whole time.”

Josh stares at Tyler, nervously clenching and unclenching his sweaty palms. He knows that the Clique deserves to know but he doesn't look forward to seeing their reaction. He hasn't been on Twitter or Instagram since the pictures of the three of them in the park flooded the Internet, so he has no idea what to expect. He also keeps his phone on silent all the time, ignoring every other person demanding any form of information. Pretending that the whole outside world doesn't exist seems easier than dealing with reading different opinions about his poor life choices.

„Look, you don't have to say much.” Tyler says, coming closer and putting his hands on Josh's shoulders, rubbing them gently. „But there are some ridiculous rumors floating around and if you don't want them to spread even further and turn into something even more ridiculous, you have to say something.”

„What should I say then?”

„ _Yes, I have a kid. Now, please respect my privacy_.”

„It's so easy to say.”

Tyler sighs but smiles briefly. 

„Whatever you decide to do, I support you. I'm always here for you, alright? Think about it. I'm gonna check up on Izzy.”

He barely disappears in the leaving room when Josh hears a loud gasp and his own name being called. He sprints after the singer and stops right next to him, looking at the spot on the floor where Tyler is pointing at.

„What is-” Josh’s voice dies in his throat when he doesn't find Izzy on the activity mat where they left her ten minutes ago but on the other side of the room, lying on her stomach next to the balcony door, tugging at the curtain. „How-” 

Tyler snaps out of his shock and kneels on the floor next to her. 

„How did you get here, baby? Did you crawl over here? Can you show us?” He asks and walks backward on his knees, grabbing the first toy he can reach and showing it to Izzy. „Look! A rabbit! Do you want it? Come on, come here, take it.” 

He tries a few more times using different toys and Izzy looks at him for a moment like she's really considering Tyler's proposition but then she turns her head the other way and starts tugging at the grey material of the curtain again.

Tyler sighs in defeat.

„Maybe she can teleport.” Josh shrugs, picks her up and makes her sit on the activity mat again.

 

That night, he can't sleep. He tosses and turns while Tyler snores quietly next to him, snuggling even closer and throwing his arm over the drummer's torso when Josh shifts again.

He suffers like this until two in the morning, until he can't take it anymore. He reaches for his phone, quickly adjusting the brightness so it doesn't wake Tyler and opens Instagram. He doesn't really want to show Izzy's face so he chooses the photo of her little hand wrapped around his thumb he took the other day. 

_This is so lame_ , he thinks but doesn't change the picture.

He doesn't think too long about the caption, typing the first thing that comes to his mind: _Her name is Isabel and she's the most important person in my life right now. Don't believe any rumors and most importantly - don't spread them around. I'll tell you all about her when I'm ready._

He quickly posts it - almost getting a panic attack in the process, and closes the app before he can see any comments. He steadies his breathing, presses a gentle kiss to Tyler's forehead and untangles himself from the mess of limbs. The singer rolls on his other side but doesn't wake up.

Josh knows that he won't be able to get any more sleep so he prepares the bottle of milk for the night feeding before Izzy's wailing wakes up half of the building. He enters the nursery in time when she starts stirring impatiently in her crib. He feeds her, waits until she falls asleep again and goes back to the living room where the big pile of freshly washed laundry waits to be ironed.

He drags the ironing board inside and turns the TV on, leaving in on mute. He quickly falls into a routine: iron, fold, put away. Iron, fold, put away.

He finishes folding another bodysuit when he gets startled by two arms wrapping around his waist and warm lips kissing the back of his head. Tyler presses his chest against the drummer's back and rests his forehead on his shoulder. 

„Jeez, you scared me.” 

„What are you doing?” The singer asks sleepily, nuzzling his face against the back of Josh’s neck.

„Ironing.”

„That I can see. But it's three in the morning. Why are you up?”

„I couldn't sleep.”

„Why?”

„I've been thinking too much.”

„You shouldn't do that. It's unhealthy.”

„Says the professional overthinker.” Josh mumbles, putting the folded bodysuit on the pile of freshly ironed clothes. He sighs. „I didn't want to wake you with my fidgeting. You looked peacefully for once, I didn't want to ruin your rest.”

„You did anyway. You left me alone. I woke up because I was cold and there was no one to snuggle with.” Tyler says and reaches out to unplug the iron. He takes Josh’s hand and turns him around, stealing a quick kiss when they're finally standing face to face. „Come back to bed. I’ll finish this later today. It’s my turn anyway.”

Josh nods, keeping his gaze down.

„Yeah. Okay.”

„Josh.” Tyler frowns, putting his hand on the drummer's cheek and tilting his head up, trying to look him in the eyes. „What's wrong?”

Josh doesn't answer. Instead, he throws his arms around Tyler's neck and pulls him into a bone-crushing hug, pushing his nose in the crook of the singer's neck.

„Love you.” He mumbles against Tyler's skin. 

„I love you too.” The singer says, with a note of confusion in his voice. „Hey...” He puts his hands on Josh's back and runs them up and down, trying to get rid of the tension in the drummer’s muscles. „Sweet, what's bothering you?”

„I did it.”

„You did what?”

„Told them.” Josh takes a deep breath. „About Izzy. I posted a picture on Instagram.”

„Oh.”

„I closed the app before I could read the first comment.”

„That’s okay. We can read them later, together.” Tyler says and kisses the side of his jaw. „I'm proud of you.”

„I don't feel better at all, knowing that they know now. I mean, they knew already but now they know because I confirmed it-” Josh rambles shakily. „-and I keep thinking about Jenna again and-”

„ And it feels too much again.” The younger man finishes for him.

„Yes.”

„It’s okay. I promise it’s okay. You’re okay. Let me distract you?”

„H-how?”

„Just… Like this.” Tyler smiles reassuringly and leans in, connecting their lips.

They stand in the middle of the living room, kissing lazily until Josh feels Tyler’s warm hands sneaking under his t-shirt and caressing his sides. Eventually, Tyler pushes him, making him take a few steps back until Josh’s legs hit the couch and he falls backward.

Tyler climbs on top of him, quickly straddling his thighs. He never stops with the kisses and his hands keep exploring Josh's chest under his t-shirt. 

„Is this your- Ah!” Josh's voice breaks and he lets his head fall back against the backrest of the couch when the singer sinks his teeth in the soft flesh on the drummer's neck right above his pulse point. When Tyler moves, Josh realizes that he’s already half-hard. „Is this your- Uhm... Another sudden boost of confidence?”

„Yes.” Tyler says, running his thumbs over Josh's nipples. „Please, don't ruin it.”

„Oh, I wouldn't dare.” Josh looks at Tyler and kisses him on the lips.

„I honestly don't know what I'm doing...” The singer admits softly and Josh notices the light blush on his cheeks. „...and I'm not ready for _everything_ but I know that I want to make you feel good.”

„Then do what feels good.” The drummer smiles, placing a gentle kiss on the younger man's forehead. „That's my only advice.”

„Bear with me if I do something stupid.”

„Not possible.”

Josh doesn't know how did he get from being an anxious, shaking mess to having the hottest make-out/grinding session with Tyler at three in the morning on the couch in his living room, with his daughter sleeping in the room next door and the TV playing in the background but he knows it's definitely not something to complain about. 

He enjoys every shaky breath Tyler lets out against his mouth and every faint moan the singer tries to hold back by biting too hard on his bottom lip when he rolls his hips down against Josh's again and again and _again_.

„Is this alright?” Tyler asks for probably the tenth time in the last few minutes and Josh wants to scream because even if it was the younger one who started this, he's still insecure about every move.

„It's fantastic.” The drummer breathes out. „Brilliant. You're brilliant.” 

Even if it feels like heaven to just sit there and enjoy the growing pleasure, it's not fair to let Tyler do all the work. Josh gently pushes his chest and guides him down until Tyler falls on his back and this time it's him who settles between the singer's open legs and gets his hips moving. 

„I can't believe I was stupid enough to wait six years for something like this.” Tyler says straight into his ear, pulling Josh even closer, pressing their clothed crotches together. „Why did I wait so long, Josh? Why did I let _you_ suffer so long when I've clearly had feelings for you all this _fucking_ time?”

„Shh.” Josh whispers, sensing the incoming freak-out. He can't let Tyler break down _now_. „It's okay. We're here now, we're finally together and that's all that matters, okay?” He silences him with a long kiss, not letting him ruin the moment. It's selfish, he knows it's selfish but they're too far gone in what they’re doing and if they stop now, he will honestly start crying from frustration. 

He moves back, ending up between Tyler's side and the back of the couch. He doesn't stop grinding against the younger man's thigh but at the same time he slides his hand under Tyler's underwear and wraps his hand around his hard member. 

„Josh.” Tyler whimpers, trying to bend his knees and hiding his face in the crook of the drummer's neck. „Josh, _Josh, Josh, Josh_...”

„Let go.”

„I'm gonna-”

„Yes, let go.”

It takes a couple of more strokes before Tyler's body arches and tenses before a small amount of a warm liquid covers Josh's fingers and the singer freezes in his arms. It doesn't take long before Josh follows, pushing his hips against Tyler's thigh one more time and coming inside his underwear with a quiet moan. It also doesn't take long before Tyler lets out a sob and his body starts trembling. 

Josh immediately awakes from his blissful daze, retreating his hand from Tyler's boxers. 

„Tyler?” He asks, alarmed. He's trying to prop himself up on his elbow and look at the singer but the younger man clutches to him like his life depends on it, hiding his face between Josh's shoulder and the pillow. „What's wrong? Are you hurt? Did I hurt you?”

The singer shakes his head.

„Did you not want this?” Josh panics. Maybe it was Tyler that started everything but still, it was Josh who shoved his hand inside Tyler's underwear. „I know you said you weren't ready for everything and I'm sorry if the handjob was too much, oh God, you probably wanted to take it slower and-”

„Stop freaking out.” Tyler mumbles, still hiding his face.

„Tyler, you're _crying_ , of course I'm freaking out!”

„Then don't.” The singer says, blindly reaching out to touch Josh's cheek. He lets his hand stay there, gently stroking the skin with his thumb. „Don't. Just let me-”

„Tyler.” Josh says, lifting his hand to cover Tyler's with his own but stops once he realizes it's not as clean as he wants it to be. He quickly wipes it on the material of his own boxers. „Tell me what's wrong.”

Tyler takes a few deep shaky breaths before pulling back and looking down at Josh with wet and red-rimmed eyes. He sniffles but then leans down and kisses Josh on the lips. 

„I love you so much.” He whispers, after resting his forehead against the drummer's. „So much.”

Josh exhales in relief and closes his eyes.

„Not hurt then.”

„No.”

„Just overwhelmed.”

„Just overwhelmed.”

„You scared the heck outta me.” Josh says, wrapping his arms around Tyler and pecking him on the nose.

„Sorry.”

„You should be.” Josh says but smiles and Tyler mirrors his expression. Then he shifts and makes a face. „Feels gross. Shower?”

„Definitely.”

Even if they eventually fall asleep just to be woken up by Izzy one hour later, neither of them regrets what happened.

 

Since the intimate part of their relationship comes to life, Tyler starts _glowing_. He's also braver and up for new things. Josh had no idea that having sex on a regular basis can make a man so happy but Tyler is the best walking example. But who is he kidding? He's feeling the change himself: he's more relaxed, there's no more awkward sexual tension in the air and no more late night solo jerk off sessions in the shower anymore, when one is sure that the other won't hear him.

Tyler looks happy and maybe that's why Josh doesn't tell him about Debby's visit. She doesn't know about them either, since Josh has never mentioned the fact that Tyler is now his _boyfriend_. He's had many opportunities to do this, yet the information has never left his mouth. Maybe it's the fear of the unknown and the whole _don't plan the future and don't think so much ahead_ thought that never really leaves his mind, maybe it's the fact that he wants to tell her about it when they're face to face and not eight thousand miles apart from each other or maybe it's just the desire to lock both of them in one room together and yell: _sort this shit out because I love you both and I can't stand this ridiculous mutual coldness you feel towards each other!_ straight in their faces.

So Josh keeps quiet. He keeps quiet until Saturday afternoon when there's a knock on the door. 

He opens it and immediately pulls Debby into his arms. They hug on the doorstep for a long while before he kisses her cheek and lets her go, inviting her inside. 

„Hi.” He grins at her, closing the door. „I missed you.”

„I missed you too.” She says, smiling back at him. „It's so good to see you. You're looking good!”

„I feel good. And you look gorgeous, as always.”

„Oh, shut your face.” Debby chuckles but kicks off her shoes and pads to the living room, making herself comfortable on the couch, tucking her legs underneath her and picking up the turtle plushie abandoned next to the pillow.

„Nap time.” Josh says, noticing her searching gaze. „Third attempt, actually. Her teething is getting out of control.”

„I understand. Sorry, I couldn't make it here earlier but my schedule is really tight. I'm staying in LA only for a week and then I'm flying back to Australia. Too many things to do, too little time.” She sighs, putting the plushie on the coffee table.

She snaps her head up, alerted, when the nursery door opens and closes with a click. She looks at Josh with wide eyes when there's a loud exhale followed by a quiet: _finally_. 

„I heard knocking. Was that our food?” Tyler asks, walking into the living room. He stops dead when he sees the guest.

„Oh...” Debby says quietly and drops her gaze.

„Oh.” Tyler echoes.

A long moment of an awkward silence falls between the three of them before another round of knocking startles everyone.

„That's probably our food.” Josh says and backs away from the room.

When he comes back with three boxes of pizza and sets them down on the table, Debby and Tyler are still quiet. They’re sitting on two different sides of the room, looking everywhere but not at each other. 

Tyler takes his chance to escape before Josh can open his mouth.

„I'll get the plates.” He mumbles and almost sprints to the kitchen.

Debby exhales.

„You could have told me he's here.” She whispers. „I wouldn't have come, I'd chose some other day.”

„That would be kinda hard.” Josh smiles briefly. „Because he lives here now.”

„He lives here.” She repeats but doesn't have the chance to say anything else when Tyler comes back to the room with three plates and three cans of coke that he sets next to the pizza boxes on the table. She watches him with the corner of the eye and then freezes. She stares at Tyler and Tyler catches her gaze, staring back at her and Josh watches as the realization slowly appears on Debby's face. „Oh, God.” She says, her eyes open wide. „Oh, my God. You're together, aren't you? You are. Oh my God.”

Josh glances at Tyler, who's standing there unmoving, probably not sure if it's a negative or positive reaction. 

„Well...” Josh starts but Debby silences him with a wave of her hand and keeps looking at Tyler. 

„I'm not making it up, aren't I? You and Josh-” She lets the rest of the sentence hang in the air.

Tyler nods carefully and takes a step back when Debby raises from the couch like he's afraid he will get slapped in the face. 

Josh watches her take a few quick steps in Tyler's direction and then, in the blink of an eye, she's throwing herself at the singer. For a moment it looks like Debby is really throwing a punch and Josh gets ready to intervene and drag her away from the singer but then he has to do a doubletake when he takes a better look at the scene before him.

The hug takes Tyler by the surprise and he needs to take a step back to keep his balance and don't fall back. He looks shocked but he slowly raises his arms and awkwardly pets her back, although he clearly doesn't feel comfortable with the whole situation. 

„Thank you!” She says once, repeats it quietly a few times and then breaks down. She starts firing words without taking a single breath. „I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I know you hate me. I promised not to hurt him and I did, and you have right to hate me but _thank you_ for taking care of him, thank you so much! Thank you for being there for him when I wasn't, he loves you so much, I've never seen a person being so in love with another before. He was so miserable the last time I saw him and now he looks so healthy and happy, and I know it’s because of you, just- thank you!”

Tyler’s shock turns into concern and his concern turns into understanding. He finally embraces her properly, tightening his arms around her and pulling her even closer. He rests his chin on her shoulder and meets Josh's gaze for a brief second before sighing and running his hands over her shoulder blades and rubbing her back in a calming gesture. 

He doesn't say anything for a long moment but then takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, looking like he's fighting with his own pride. 

„I'm sorry for never giving you a chance.” He finally speaks, quietly but loudly enough for Josh to hear him. The drummer pauses, looking at them. It's definitely not what he expected. It's definitely more than he hoped for. „I'm sorry, you didn't deserve to be treated like that.”

„I did.”

„No.”

„I did. And I do. I abandoned my own child!”

„You're still here, aren't you?” Tyler murmurs, rocking her gently in his arms.

„It shouldn't be like this. I'm supposed to love her, I shouldn't pretend like she didn't come out of my fucking uterus.” She chokes out. „I'm her _mother_ , for God's sake. It shouldn't be like this.”

„Look, I- I don't understand it. Okay? And I probably never will. But I believe that you had- That you _have_ your reasons. I know how hard is to fight with your own head.”

Debby hesitantly pulls back and wipes her eyes with the sleeve of her blouse. Josh moves from his spot and puts his hand on her shoulder.

„You okay?” He asks.

„Yeah, yeah.” She nods. „I'm just- I'm really happy for you, you know? You deserve to be happy.” She looks up at him and smiles. Then she suddenly clears her throat and looks around in panic, looking for her bag. „Maybe I should go. I don't want to bother you. I'm-”

„You should stay.” Tyler interrupts, making them turn their heads in his direction. Debby frowns like she's not sure if she heard it right. „You should stay.” He repeats, looking at her confused face. „We could talk. Get to know each other.”

„W-what?”

„I think we should start over. For Josh.” Tyler smiles and steps forward, extending his hand. „Hi. I'm Tyler.” He says. „Nice to meet you.”

The girl laughs nervously, looking at him with a surprise but then she takes a deep breath and shakes his hand.

„Debby. It's... It’s nice to meet you too.”


	23. Chapter 23

As soon as Debby excuses herself to the bathroom to fix her smeared mascara, Tyler dives in for a piece of pizza.

„Oh God, I'm starving!” He announces and takes a big bite. 

Josh quickly turns to him and smashes their mouths together in a hungry kiss. He doesn't even care that Tyler is still chewing on his food or that his lips are all greasy. When they finally pull back for air and Tyler swallows the remains of whatever was in his mouth, he coughs shortly, takes a sip of his drink and looks at Josh with raised eyebrows.

„Dude, I'm all about kisses but this was honestly so _gross_.” He makes a face and wipes his mouth and fingers with a napkin.

„I love you.” Josh says and leans in for another kiss even if Tyler tries to resist. „I love you. I love you. I love you.” He repeats between pecks. He grabs Tyler by the neck and keeps his head in place when he places the final kiss on his lips. „Thank you. Thank you so much.”

Tyler smiles, putting his hand on the drummer's cheek and stroking the skin under his eye. He plants a quick kiss on his cheek in return. 

„No need to thank me. It's the highest time to sort some things out.” He says, taking a step away. Josh lets him slip out of his embrace and Tyler takes the second bite of his pizza. He's not quick enough to eat the whole piece when a loud crying sound coming from the nursery pierces the air. It stops as soon as it starts. „Oh, for _fuck's_ sake.” He mumbles, his mouth full of food. „It's been... how long, forty minutes?”

„It's probably still longer than she slept last night.” Josh sighs, rubbing his hands over his face. „I'm done with this evil child. I'm gonna put her up for auction on eBay, how about that?”

Debby walks back into the living room and points her thumb in the hallway direction. 

„Hey, uhm... I think I've heard-”

„A fire-truck siren? Yup.” Tyler chuckles. He reaches out for another piece of pizza and sits down on the couch, crossing his legs. He sends Josh a meaningful glance that clearly says _it's your turn_ and shrugs innocently.

Josh rolls his eyes. 

„Come on.” The drummer says, wrapping his arm around Debby's shoulders and leads her to the nursery. „Attention seeker awaits.”

When they enter the room and look inside the crib, they can't help but smile at the sight. Izzy lays on her back, pulling her left leg to her chest and trying to push her bare foot inside her mouth. Her toes are already covered in saliva that also drops down her cheek. When she notices her father, she straightens up and starts kicking her legs, letting out a few happy squeals mixed with short frustrated cries.

Josh picks her up and puts Izzy on his chest, making her face Debby who smiles at her daughter and greets her shyly.

„Who's this, Izzy? Who's this?” Josh asks, picking up the pink pacifier and offering it to her. Izzy looks at Debby with a curious glare but doesn't react badly. If anything, she notices Debby's shiny watch and tries to grab it when the girl offers her hand. „This is Debby. You remember her, don't you? She gave you your favorite book when she was here the last time.”

„Speaking of books, I may or may not have another little something for you in my bag.” Debby smiles.

„Oh, did you hear that, baby? Another thing to destroy!” Josh laughs and looks at the girl. „I swear to God, she's like a teething puppy. She chews on every dang thing. Just yesterday Tyler left his phone on the floor and she stole it. Before he noticed that she has it, it was all wet. I think he even kept it in the bowl of rice overnight.” He snorts and kisses Izzy's temple. „But now he knows that it's a very stupid idea to leave valuable things in your reach, right?”

„She's growing so fast.” Debby comments. „She was definitely much smaller the last time I've seen her.”

„Yeah. We switched to bigger clothes last week, didn't we?” The drummer says, bouncing the infant in his arms. „She's definitely heavier too. Do you want to hold her?”

Debby opens her mouth to speak and looks like she wants to refuse but then changes her mind at the last second and takes a deep breath. She immediately looks nervous but then she wipes her palms against the material of her jeans and nods hesitantly.

Josh tries to mask his surprise. He definitely didn't expect her to agree but he grins and takes Izzy off his chest. Debby grabs her under armpits and adjusts her little body against hers.

Izzy observes everything with wide eyes and for a moment she makes a direct eye contact with Debby. She looks like she can't decide if she should start crying or not but then her eyes drop to Debby's hand and her watch. She pats the shiny thing with her hand and then grabs it, trying to take it off.

„Oh. Wait.” Debby says, slipping the watch off her wrist. She gives it to Izzy and she shakes it, clearly liking the sound of the metal bracelet. 

„I'm warning you, this is not the best idea.” The drummer smirks, watching his girls.

„Whatever. She likes it.” Debby smiles but when she looks up and lock her eyes with Josh, she frowns. „What?”

„Good job.” Josh praises and watches her cheeks slowly turn pink.

„I'm so scared.” She admits. „I'm paranoid, I feel like I'm gonna drop her any second.”

„You won't. She loves being carried around. Apparently, the world looks so much better from up there.” Josh says and watches her for a long silent moment. „What are you thinking about?” He asks, looking at her troubled face. He takes a step back, sits down in the rocking chair and tilts his head, waiting for an answer.

„I don't know. I just can't believe she's mine. I mean- Yours.”

„ _Ours_.” He corrects and she glances at him, nervously biting her bottom lip.

„Ours.” She repeats.

„Ours.” Josh says again.

„It still doesn't feel like it.” Debby sighs, breaking the eye contact with him.

„It's fine.”

„It's not. It's-”

„ _-fine_.” Josh insists and pats his legs. „Come here.”

„The chair will break.”

„It won't.”

„How do you know?”

„Let's say that this chair is really experienced. It has seen a lot.” He says and she raises her eyebrows in shock but ends up laughing. Josh laughs along with her and pats his legs again and she finally sits in his lap, placing Izzy in her own. „It's not what you think!” He grins, making the chair rock. „It's just that we've probably tried all different variations of putting this little devil to sleep.”

Izzy still shakes the watch like a rattle and Josh knows it's only a matter of time before it lands on the floor. He wraps his arm around Debby's waist and she relaxes a little bit more. 

„So, how long has he been living here?” The girl asks quietly, glancing meaningfully at the door.

„It's pretty recent. Just a few weeks.”

„And how did it happen?”

Josh tells her about the surprise party in New York, about Mark finding out, about his conflict with Mike. He tells her about the argument with his mother and staying with Tyler’s parents, he tells her about Tyler's break up with Jenna. Somehow in the middle of the story, they move from the chair to the floor and sit cross-legged on the carpet, watching Izzy play with Debby's watch.

„You have no idea how much he helps every day. He's always been helpful but now it's just... it's amazing how involved he's become.” Josh says, trying to busy his hands stacking five colorful Fisher-Price rings on the wobbly base from the biggest to the smallest one. When Izzy notices what he's doing, she abandons the watch and reaches for the toy. Josh gives her the red ring and it goes straight into her mouth. „He tried to convince me to move in with him but I told him that I didn't want to stay in Columbus and he respected that. He packed his bags and booked our tickets to Los Angeles the next day.” Josh sighs. „I know he hates California, yet he's never said anything. He never complains.”

„It's because he loves you. That's love. When you're ready to drop everything for another person, no matter if it feels comfortable for you or not.”

„I love him too.” Josh admits, blushing lightly. 

„I know.” Debby smiles. „And I'm glad you have each other.”

The conversation goes on for a little while. They talk about Izzy, Debby's movie projects and Twenty One Pilots. He realizes how scary and uncertain his and his band's future really is, especially since Izzy appeared in his life. Not wanting to freak himself out all over again, he changes the subject and makes Debby talk about Australia instead. 

Her excited rambling gets cut off by Tyler's voice coming from behind the door.

„Josh?”

„Yeah?”

„You may want to come here for a second.” The singer says. Josh frowns but gets to his feet, leaving Debby with Izzy. He walks out of the nursery and when he turns to the place where Tyler's voice came from, he stops dead in his tracks. „He let himself in. Apparently, he has his own key?” Tyler whispers, looking at Josh. „How many more people have keys to your apartment?”

Josh ignores him and turns to Brendon, who's leaning against the wall in the hallway with his arms crossed over his chest and a very furious expression on his face. When he spots Josh, his eyes narrow and his lips press into a thin line. He pushes himself off the wall and quickly approaches the drummer, stops right in front of him and points his finger at his chest.

„What the _fuck_ , Josh?” He starts without a single word of greeting. „I'm in fucking Europe when the whole shitstorm starts. You - neither of you, you fuckers - don't pick up your phone, don't answer any text or e-mails. I'm worried sick and ready to fly back to the States but of course, we need to finish the tour and we have only two days off before flying to New Zealand so Dallon literally drags me to the right plane risking a punch in the face. Then you drop a bomb on fucking Instagram out of nowhere and disappear from the face of the Earth again! I'm gonna kill you if you don't tell me what. the. fuck. is. going. on!” He raises his voice, poking Josh with his finger after every word. Josh knows it's not a playful anger. Brendon is truly pissed off.

„Nice to see you too, Brendon.” Josh says unnaturally calmly, participating in the staring contest. „What a great surprise, why don't you come in? Oh, no, no. Don't worry about taking off your shoes, I don't mind having dirt all over my freshly cleaned floor.”

„Don't fuck with me, Dun.” Brendon growls, running his fingers through his quiff. „What the hell is going on? Is this some kind of marketing trick? Are you guys bored? Shouldn't you be recording your new album? The Internet is exploding. _Your_ fans are tweeting _me_ , asking things! Maybe it seems funny to you but-”

„Funny? You really think that getting panic attacks almost every day is funny? You think that hiding from paparazzi and your own fans is funny?”

„I don't know, Josh! You don't tell me anything anymore, how the hell should I know what the fuck you're playing at!”

„I'm not playing at anything! If you came here and had a normal conversation with me, you would find out what's happening. But if you're just another person to yell at me, I'll have to ask you to leave.” Josh raises his voice. „I've had enough people yelling at me for the things I can't change!”

„I just want to-”

„Guys... Josh! Brendon! Guys!” 

Tyler's voice snaps both of them back into reality and they turn their heads to look at him. He gives a nod towards the nursery where Debby is standing in the doorway with the creature in her arms. Izzy watches the three grown-up man yelling at each other, sucks on her pacifier and clings to Debby's blouse. 

„Oh my God.” Brendon says, clearly taken aback. His eyes widen when he takes a step forward to get a better look at the infant. Debby comes closer and greets the man. „Hey, Debs...” He chokes out the answer, not being able to take his eyes off Izzy.

„Long story short: this is Isabel, mine and Debby's daughter. No, we're not getting married. You can do whatever you want with this information. I'm done here. You will not ruin my good day.” Josh says without any emotion in his voice, turns on his heel and goes straight to the bedroom, slamming the door.

He needs to cool off. He needs to cool off and think about nice things to prevent his anxiety from taking over so he sits at the edge of the mattress, breathing deeply. Josh knew that Brendon would lose his shit but he expected him to be goofy and excited like he always is. He's never thought that the first encounter with his best friend would be so serious and end up in a ridiculous screaming battle. They've never argued like this before.

After nearly an hour, there's a soft knock on the bedroom door. Josh gets so lost in his thoughts that he doesn't even notice how much time passed before he glances at the clock. He sighs and when the door slowly opens, Brendon pokes his head in. 

„Can I come in?” He asks gently and when Josh nods wordlessly, the other man slips inside the room and closes the door behind him. He slowly approaches the bed and sits down next to Josh. For a moment none of them says anything but then Brendon throws his arm over Josh's shoulders and pulls him closer, making him lean against his side. „I'm sorry.” Brendon says, resting his chin on the top of the drummer's head. „I just... I was worried. I haven't seen you in ages and I couldn't contact you. I'm sorry for yelling, I didn't mean to upset you.”

„I know.” Josh says in a hoarse voice. He quickly clears his throat and starts again. „I know. Sorry for being rude. But everyone blames me for what happened and I'm sick and tired of it.”

„I understand.” Brendon nods. „So... I think I heard the whole story.” He says and Josh tenses in his arms. „And you need to know that I'm not here to judge you or Debby. Your daughter is the cutest child in the universe. Bro, she has your eyes!”

Josh smiles and sits straight up again. Brendon's hand stays on the drummer's back for a long while, rubbing circles around his shoulder blades but then he drops it to his lap. 

„Tyler told you?”

„They both told me. Said you probably wouldn't be happy to tell this story all over again... I have one question though. Since when those two are so civil to each other?”

Josh actually laughs. He looks at the clock and narrows his eyes.

„Since three hours, I think? It's a fresh thing. Can't wrap my head around it myself.”

„Well, it's about time. Do you wanna go back there? I'm starving, man. This whole drama made me hungry.” Brendon giggles and Josh punches him in the arm. „I've seen pizza in the living room.”

„It has probably gone cold three times already. And you still haven't taken your shoes off.” Josh says and kicks Brendon's leg. „My daughter crawls on this floor.”

„Natural immunization. Exposure to germs.” Brendon says and taps his foot against the floor a few times.

„I'm pretty sure it doesn't work like that.”

„I'm pretty sure it does.”

"Please, leave.”

When they go back to the living room (after Josh makes Brendon kick off his shoes), the atmosphere seems normal and natural. It feels like a casual reunion with friends, just with a babbling child rolling on the floor as the main attraction. Josh isn't sure if Tyler told Brendon about them being together but it doesn't seem like he knows so the drummer decides against telling him and waits until Brendon figures it out on his own. Josh wants to see the look on his face when the other man finally notices the change in their relationship.

Accepting Brendon comes naturally. It's like he's made for playing with children and Izzy actually laughs out loud when he sits with her on the floor making faces and strange noises and tickles her occasionally. She also lets him carry her around the apartment without any noise of disapproval.

Josh looks at them and shakes his head in disbelief, watching their interaction. He loses it when they sit her down on the couch to eat and Brendon feeds her without any problems. Josh rolls his eyes and growls, turns on his heel and turns to the kitchen.

Tyler follows him soon after, giggling.

„Did you see that?” Josh leans against the counter. „How is this even possible?”

„It's all about the looks.” Tyler laughs. „Girls like good looking guys.”

„So you're saying that we're not good looking?”

„I mean...” The singer crosses the kitchen and throws his arms around Josh's neck, pressing their chests together. Josh rests his hands on Tyler's waist and they share an Eskimo-kiss. „We're pretty average in comparison to uncle Beebo. Have you seen his hair?” Tyler whispers and raises his eyebrows.

„I can't wait to see the moment Izzy realizes how fun it is to tug it.”

„He will probably cry.”

„Good. I want to see that.” Josh grins and kisses the bridge of Tyler's nose. „Today has been crazy. And it's not even close to the end.”

„But it's been a good crazy, right?”

„Yeah. I just hope no one else shows up.”

„And I hope that our guests leave _really_ soon.” Tyler says, nuzzling his nose against Josh's cheek. The drummer swallows. „I really need them to leave.”

„What do you have in mind?” Josh asks, tightening his grip on the singer's waist. 

„Oh, you know... Just one thing.”

„Yeah?”

„Yeah.”

„What is it?” The drummer murmurs into his ear.

„I'm exhausted so probably sleeping for the next fourteen hours.”

„Tyler!” Josh groans in frustration after realizing what his boyfriend said. „You're such a tease!”

„Tease? I haven't said anything that would even sound like teasing.” Tyler laughs and pecks Josh's cheek.

„I hate you.” 

„You love me.”

„I question my choices every day.” Josh sighs and Tyler catches his lips in a sweet kiss. 

„Okay, maybe I'm not _that_ exhausted.” Tyler says, suggestively wiggling his eyebrows. „Maybe I can spend an extra hour doing some cool _activities_.”

„Oh? That's great. There are two big piles of dirty clothes waiting to be put in the washing machine and the whole bathroom to clean. Good luck.”

Tyler looks at him with a straight face.

„I hate you.”

„Welcome to my world.”

Josh smiles when Tyler attaches his mouth to his neck and gently sinks his teeth in the skin. He's careful not to leave any marks so it’s more tickling than arousing. Josh slips his hands into the back pockets of Tyler's skinny jeans and squeezes his buttocks.

„Guys, I think we're done, where do you want me to put this bowl? Debby is giving her water, do I-” Brendon's rambling stops and Josh closes his eyes. Tyler's mouth freezes somewhere near his pulse point. „Holy shit.”

„I think I'm having a déjà vu.” Josh mumbles and Tyler chuckles under his chin. 

„Just try not to faint this time.”

„I don't think I'll be the one fainting.”

Tyler pulls away but before he slips out of Josh's embrace, he winks. He walks over to Brendon like nothing ever happened and takes the dirty bowl from him. The other man stands still in the same spot with his mouth open and a slightly shocked expression on his face.

„Thank you, Brendon. Good job.” Tyler says, turning to the sink and washing the bowl.

„That wasn't hugging.” Brendon states, glancing from one man to another.

„No? I'm pretty sure it _was_ hugging.” Tyler continues. „I think the amount of stage gay you practice with Dallon every night messes with your mind.”

„Guys. Don't lie to me.” Brendon pleads. „I know what I saw.”

„What did you see?” Josh asks.

„He was marking you.”

„Really?” Josh raises his eyebrows, touching his neck. „Do I have a mark?”

„He was-” Brendon steps closer and inspects the skin on Josh's neck. „Oh. There's no mark. So you _were_ hugging? I swear, it looked like you two were doing something inappropriate. Sorry, I thought... Uhm.”

Brendon's confused tone makes Tyler lose it. He laughs loudly and the bowl slips out of his fingers, hitting the bottom of the sink but it doesn't break. He quickly rinses it, puts it away on the dish dryer and wipes his hands. He turns to Josh and kisses him on the lips. The drummer eagerly responds and chases the kiss when Tyler starts to pull away. 

„Love you.” The singer smiles and disappears in the living room.

„Love you too!” Josh calls after him, grinning.

„I'm officially done.” Brendon groans and rubs his hands over his face. „I'm done. I don't know what's real anymore. Is this real? Or are you having a fuck-with-Brendon’s-head day? It’s not April Fools’ yet!”

„Brendon, my friend.” The drummer sighs and pats his shoulder. „ _Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth_.”

„What the fuck, Dun.”

„ _You see but you don’t observe._ ”

„Stop quoting Sherlock at me!”

„Then _think_.” Josh shrugs and walks out of the kitchen, leaving a dumbstruck Brendon behind.


	24. Chapter 24

Josh walks back to the living room but Brendon doesn’t follow him. A few minutes later the sound of Panic's frontman’s footsteps echoes around the apartment. Everyone actually jumps when he starts slamming random doors and does something that causes loud bangs and creaks.

„What is he doing there?” Debby asks with a frown, bouncing Izzy in her lap.

„Probably investigating.” Josh shrugs and sits down next to Tyler, who immediately wraps his arm around the drummer's shoulders and pulls him closer.

They’re all used to Brendon’s strange behavior so no one really notices him when he finally comes back until he clears his throat and gets everyone’s attention. He squints his eyes, glances suspiciously from Tyler to Josh and points his finger at them.

„You're together!” He announces loudly, in an accusing tone.

Three different reactions follow his outburst: Debby laughs, Tyler throws his head back with a loud groan and Josh fake-gasps.

„No way! How did you find out?”

„There are two types of shaving cream in the bathroom, two toothbrushes, your clothes and underwear are mixed together in the laundry basket, Tyler's crap is all over your flat, he has his own shelves in your closet, he sleeps in _your_ bedroom - not in the _guest_ bedroom, there are condoms, lube and a fucking cock ring in the drawer-”

„Oh dear, I didn't need to know that.” Debby mumbles quietly and turns away to look through the window.

„-which means that you're not only together in the sense of _fucking_ but you _live_ together, you're in a _relationship_ and I, Brendon Boyd Urie, demand answers, how the hell did it happen and when!?”

„Did you really go through all of our things?” Tyler asks, looking at Brendon and quirking his eyebrow.

„Of course I did. How else could I prove anything?”

„They were literally holding hands for the past hour. They were all over each other right in front of your nose and you seriously didn't notice?” Debby asks.

„Them being affectionate is nothing new!” Brendon justifies himself. „How can you be so cool about it? This is your ex-boyfriend we're talking about! Your ex-boyfriend is _fucking_ his best friend!”

„My ex-boyfriend is happy, my daughter is happy, Tyler is happy. So I'm happy too.”

„You're sick people.” Brendon exhales. „And what the hell happened to Jenna?”

„I broke up with her.” Tyler shrugs. 

„You broke up with her.”

„Immediately and without hesitation.” Tyler says.

Josh snorts and rolls his eyes but the singer pokes him with his elbow, shushing him discreetly. He’s right. Brendon doesn’t need to know _everything_.

„This is a fucking madhouse.” Brendon says, resting his hands on his hips. He shakes his head and sighs in defeat. „I just can't believe that Tyler Joseph really swings that way. But honestly, guys... You're telling the truth, right? Because if this is a big joke, I will die.”

„You've seen everything. Do you really think we would be patient enough to pull a forever-lasting prank like this one just to laugh at you?”

„You would.”

Tyler clicks his tongue.

„You're right, we probably would.”

„But we're not joking.” Josh says, resting his head on Tyler's shoulder. „We're together.”

„We are.” The singer runs his fingers through Josh's hair with affection and kisses the top of his head when Josh pushes his face in the crook of Tyler's neck. „And I absolutely adore my _boyfriend_.”

„I'm gonna cry.” Brendon says, looking up to the ceiling. „I'm gonna fucking cry.”

„Why? Are we that disgusting?” Josh mumbles from somewhere under Tyler's chin.

„Oh my God, shut up. I've been rooting for you for ages!”

„What?” Three voices say in unison and three pairs of eyes immediately turn in his direction.

„What _what_?” Brendon looks at them, confused. „I mean, it was pretty obvious. You both used to flirt with each other more often than I flirt with Sarah - and let me tell you, I flirt _a lot_ \- and Josh has always acted like a love-struck teenager in your presence and kept looking at you like he wanted to fuck you on every available surface, even when he was with De-” He clasps both of his hands over his mouth after realizing what he was about to say and glances at the girl who stares back at him in shock.

Tyler bursts out laughing. He laughs so loudly that Izzy immediately copies him and starts laughing too, letting out a few long high-pitched squeals.

„Brendon.” Josh hisses, blushing. „You may want to stop talking, now.”

„Sorry! I'm just... excited?”

„You can be excited without opening your stupid mouth.” Josh says and rubs his hands over his burning face. He wants the ground to swallow him whole. 

„Can I sing at your wedding?” Brendon asks suddenly and his eyes light up.

„ _I_ will sing at our wedding.” Tyler says defensively.

„You can't slow dance with Josh and sing at the same time.” Brendon crosses his hands over his chest.

„I'm a multitasker.”

„Sure, and maybe you will use your ears to play the ukulele at the same time?”

„Why do we even talk about weddings!” Josh yells suddenly, throwing his arms above his head. „Are you both out of your mind!?” 

„What, you don't want to marry me?” Tyler looks at him.

„No!” Josh shouts. „I mean... Yes? I mean... Do _you_ want to marry me?”

„Yeah, I want to marry you.”

„Are you proposing?” Josh frowns.

„No, of course, I'm not proposing!” Tyler rolls his eyes.

„Then what the heck is even this conversation!” Josh growls and turns to Debby, who giggles, hiding her wide smile behind her hand. „And why the heck are you laughing!?"

„Because you're _hecking_ adorable.” She shrugs, mocking him innocently. „Literally the cutest match.”

„That's right!” Brendon claps, excited. „Finally someone agrees with me! High five, sister! Do you want to be the flower girl?”

„Oh, yeah, sure.” Debby nods, suddenly with a very serious expression on her face. „What kind of flowers do you have in mind?”

„I'm leaving!” Josh announces, standing up and turning to the door. „No, wait... This is my apartment. Brendon, you're leaving! It was nice to see you but I think it's time for you to go. I bet your wife misses you.”

„Well...” Debby sighs, looking at her watch. „In all seriousness, it's time for me to go too.” She says. „I have a meeting at ass o'clock in the morning tomorrow.”

„Of course. I understand. Thank you for coming, it was really good to see you.” Josh smiles, picking up Izzy from Debby’s lap and starts bouncing a babbling infant in his arms. 

Izzy looks sleepy and he's satisfied that his friends managed to tire her out. Debby smiles and hugs Josh, kissing him on the cheek. She strokes Izzy's hair and boops her tiny nose and Josh’s heart swells with pride of how far Debby pushed herself today – when it comes to interacting with Izzy and making amends with Tyler. For a moment she looks like she's not sure if she should approach the singer or not but Tyler saves her the trouble and takes the lead, crossing the room and giving her a hug. 

„It was good to see you.” She says and pulls away. 

„Likewise.” Tyler smiles and takes a step back to stand next to Josh. „You should visit more often.”

„I will try.”

Before they can realize what's happening, Brendon throws himself at them, pulling both men into a tight embrace. 

„I'm so happy for you, guys! Honestly, you'll be great together! You’ve been best friends for a long time, adding some romance will only strengthen your relationship, I know it! And if you need anything, just call me, alright?” He says, letting them go. He looks down at Izzy and grins. „Bye, darling. Uncle Beebo is already obsessed with you, you adorable creature. I will bring you lots of presents the next time I see you!”

„Hopefully not too soon.” Josh mumbles under his breath and Tyler shakes his head with a smile, bumping their shoulders together.

„Do you need a lift, Debby?” Brendon turns to the girl. „I think we're going the same way, so it’s not a problem.” He offers. 

„Oh. Actually, yeah. That would be nice, thank you.”

There's a lot of shuffling, laughing and even more hugs and kisses before the door finally closes and the apartment falls silent. For a moment the silence is too much and Josh wants to yell after them to come back.

Tyler locks the door, rests his back against the dark brown wood and exhales. 

„Well, that was quite an adventure.” He says and looks at Izzy, who clings to Josh, murmuring quietly and pushing her thumb inside her mouth.

„Yeah. What the heck.”

„Like the good old days, huh?”

„I think I like the new days better, even if life kicks me in the butt all the time.” Josh says, smiling. He hushes whimpering Izzy and starts rocking her gently in his arms.

„Oh, baby, you're so sleepy, aren't you?” Tyler says, chuckling. „Alright, I'll grab a bottle for her and put her to bed and you can try to do something with this crazy mess in the living room, yeah? I'll be right back.”

After kissing Izzy goodnight, Josh starts cleaning. He gets rid of empty bags, cans and pizza boxes, used napkins and dirty dishes. He stacks the dishes in the sink (regretting the choice of never getting the dishwasher but creating a mental note about mentioning the idea of buying one to Tyler) and picks up Izzy's toys from the floor. He wipes the table and swipes all the crumbs from the floor.

When the living room looks presentable again, he goes back to the kitchen and starts washing the dishes. He's done with mugs when Tyler walks in and puts Izzy's bottle next to the sink.

„So...” Tyler says with a devilish smile. Josh knows that smile.

„So?” He asks, cleaning forks.

Tyler wraps his arms around Josh's waist from behind and kisses the back of his neck.

„I actually can't believe I was unaware of the fact that you used to look at me like you wanted to _fuck me on every available surface_.”

„Oh God, please. Stop.”

„No, why? That sounds interesting. Where do you want me? On the counter? Over the table? Against the fridge?”

„Stop.” Josh groans.

„I mean, I'm down for whatever.” Tyler continues teasing, sneaking his hand under the material of Josh's t-shirt.

„I'm about to punch you in the face.” The drummer says and tries to push him away with his elbows but Tyler doesn’t let go. If anything, he presses his chest against Josh’s back even harder than before. „Tyler, you f-” The curse dies in Josh’s throat. „Just go away.” He says, trying to rinse the foam. „I'm busy.”

„Aww, you really want me to go?”

„Yeah, _really_. Leave me alone.”

„But Izzy is sleeping.” The singer says, moving his hand lower. He quickly undoes the button and unzips Josh's jeans, causing the drummer to hold his breath. Tyler's hand slides lower and he _squeezes_ the right body part, making Josh drop the handful of wet cutlery. They hit the stack of plates on the bottom of the sink with a loud clatter and he winces, scared that it could wake Izzy but no sound comes from the nursery. „I thought we could do something _fun_ since you were so _eager_ earlier but if you don't want to...” Tyler's voice trails off and he slowly removes his hand from Josh's underwear, making sure to keep touching him until the very end. „Well... Too bad. Maybe next time then. I'm going to bed, goodnight.”

Tyler kisses the side of Josh's neck and backs away from the kitchen. The click of the bedroom door echoes through the apartment a moment later and Josh lets out a shaky breath. He looks down at the rest of the dirty dishes and his undone jeans and he curses under his breath.

„You're so dead, Tyler Joseph.” Josh mumbles under his breath, turns off the tap and quickly dries his hands with a dishcloth. He turns on his heel, almost runs to the bedroom and catches Tyler in the middle of changing his clothes. He spins him around without any warning and pushes him until the singer's bare back hits the wall. „You're so dead.”

„Yeah?” Tyler narrows his eyes and licks his lips. He quickly switches their position, pinning Josh against the wall. „We'll see about that, honey.”

Tyler drops to his knees.

 

„I hate you.” Josh mumbles sleepily an hour later, laying on his front with his face buried in pillows.

„Look who's dead in the end.” Tyler chuckles, pulling fresh boxers on and fluffing up the pillow before climbing back on the bed and under the covers. Josh immediately shifts closer and ends up putting his head on Tyler's chest, still mumbling accusations at the singer. _That was too much_ is the last thing that leaves his mouth before a yawn interrupts his whining. „I didn't hear you complain earlier.” Tyler smiles and nuzzles his nose against the older man's forehead.

„I'm complaining now.”

„We can always cut off sex for the next few weeks if it helps.”

„You're stupid.” Josh says, not opening his eyes.

„Are you offending me?”

„No, I'm complimenting you. Now shut up and turn off the light, I want to sleep. And don't wake me even if there's an alien invasion.”

„Whose turn it is for the night feeding, would you like to remind me?”

Josh lifts his head and blinks. He sighs heavily when he remembers but then he looks at Tyler, making the best puppy eyes he’s capable of. 

„Please...” He says, glancing down at the singer.

„No way.” Tyler laughs and shakes his head. „It's a new week.”

„Please, one more time? Please?”

„I've been feeding her every night for the last seven days.”

„I know but... Please, Tyler? Pretty, pretty please? Just one more night?”

„No.”

„You're so damn handsome, did you know that?”

„Nice try.” Tyler says, kissing him in the nose. He rolls over and turns the lamp off. „Goodnight.”

„I _hate_ you.” Josh sighs but glues himself to Tyler’s back and throws his arm over Tyler's waist, becoming a big spoon. The singer reaches for his hand and laces their fingers together. 

„I know, baby. I love you too.” 

Josh never feeds Izzy that night. When he wakes up it's already bright and sunny outside and Tyler's side of the bed is empty. There's only a green sticky note attached to the pillow filled with a simple _good morning_ scribbled in Tyler's handwriting. There's a little heart drawn at the end of the greeting and two signatures underneath: the initials of Tyler and three messy lines what Josh guesses is Izzy's autograph.

He smiles and closes his eyes, pressing the note close to his heart.


	25. Chapter 25

Nothing works. Warm milk, water, diaper change, rocking, humming, singing. It's two in the morning and Josh is slowly running out of the ideas how to make Izzy go back to _sleep_.

She woke up at midnight - quite happy and proud of herself - and babbled loudly until finally, someone walked into her room. That night it was Josh. Because before Izzy woke up, Tyler was already deeply asleep, buried under the covers from head to toe.

Josh knows he needs it. For the last couple of days, he's been exhausting himself - working on the new songs from early mornings to late evenings although he came down with a cold and throat infection. He's been living in the guest bedroom for the last couple of days and isolating himself from Josh and Izzy, leaving the drummer to deal with her himself.

„ _Hush, little baby, don't say a word, daddy's going to buy you a Mockingbird. And if that Mockingbird won't sing, daddy's going to_... uh. Probably tie Tyler to the chair and make him sing to you all night long even if he probably sounds like a dying rabbit now, how about that?” Josh looks down at his daughter and she smiles at him, showing her two tiny bottom teeth. „Oh, you're laughing? You think it's funny, huh? Let me tell you - it's not. I don't think it's funny at all. It's the fourth night in the row, Izzy. Nights are for sleeping, did you know that? Alright... One more try.”

He wraps her in her pink fluffy blanket and dims the light. He forces the pacifier into her mouth, sits back in the rocking chair and starts humming quietly. The pacifier lands on the floor ten seconds later, followed by a loud unhappy whine and one strong inpatient wriggle. Josh groans and lets his head hit the back of the chair. 

„You're not running any fever and I don't think it's your teeth this time. You just miss Tyler and that's why you're being a little brat, aren't you?” He says and stands up, unwrapping the blanket and throwing it carelessly inside the crib. „So there's absolutely no chance for you to go back to sleep?” Josh asks and she hits his cheek with her open palm. „Ow, heck. I guess not. Alright, fine. Jesus... I'm too old for this, Izzy. I was fit and healthy and you're making me feel like I'm eighty and on my deathbed.”

He walks out of the room and turns to the kitchen. He flicks the electric kettle on and reaches inside the cabinet for his favorite mug that Tyler got him as a joke ( _I hate being sexy but I'm a drummer so I can't help it_ , the print on the mug says). Izzy looks down with curiosity in her eyes when he starts preparing coffee.

„If you want me to stay up with you all night, I need something to keep me awake, you know?” He says, planting a sloppy kiss on her cheek. She starts bouncing in his arms when the water boils. „I know you love watching the kettle but it's dangerous, okay? It's very hot, so touching this thing is forbidden. Got it? You really don't want to get yourself the third-degree burns.” He chuckles and looks around the counter. „What about a late-night snack?” He takes the bag of rice cakes that Izzy is currently obsessed with and gives her one. She immediately grabs the chunky circle and puts it in her mouth, trying to bite it. 

He prepares black coffee and carries Izzy and the mug to the living room, flicking the light in the kitchen off with his elbow. The room is dark but he manages to set the mug down on the table without spilling anything. 

„Oh, look how pretty. So many lights.” He says, approaching the window and tapping the glass with the tip of his finger, trying to make Izzy focus on the outside world. She looks interested for the whole ten seconds before wiggling in Josh's arms and looking down at the floor. 

He turns the light on and makes her sit on the activity mat, surrounding her with different toys that he finds in the basket in the corner of the room. She grabs the first toy and starts playing with her favorite rattles and plushies. 

Josh sits down on the couch and takes a sip of his coffee. He watches Izzy for the next fifteen minutes before his eyelids start to droop against his will.

He gulps down the black liquid before he moves to the floor and starts playing with his daughter, trying hard not to fall asleep. 

 

„Josh. Hey, Josh. Josh, hey...”

Josh cracks one of his eyes open and tries to focus his gaze although the light on the ceiling is blinding. He rubs his hands over his face and turns his head. His eyes land on the empty activity mat and he immediately sits up, looking around.

„Izzy?” He says, suddenly very much awake. His heart starts beating two times faster.

„Hey, shh, she's in her room. Hey.” Josh tries to locate the sound of the voice. He looks up and sees Tyler who's kneeling on the floor beside him. „Do you want to tell me why the two of you were sleeping on the living room carpet at four in the morning?”

„Sleeping? Four?”

„Yes, Josh. It's four in the morning.”

„She was _sleeping_?”

„On the mat, yeah.”

„Oh, God...” Josh sighs, running his fingers through his hair. „We came here to play because she didn't want to sleep. I had coffee but I guess it didn't work. I can't believe I fell asleep! I'm so irresponsible! She could hurt herself!”

„But she didn't, it's okay.” Tyler assures. „You were tired, it happens.”

„But-”

„No buts. She's sleeping now and you should go back to bed too.”

„Are you coming with me?”

„I'm still sick, I can't.” The younger man shakes his head.

„But you're feeling better, right? Please?”

„We can't both be sick, Josh.”

Josh rolls his eyes, suddenly angry.

„You're paranoid! If I summed up the amount of time I've seen you during the last few days, I'm sure it would be less than ten minutes.” He huffs in annoyance, getting up from the floor. „ _This_ is probably the longest conversation we've had all week. I just miss you, alright? I know you're worried about me and Iz getting sick but we can't make ourselves go crazy either. We can't keep her in a sterile environment twenty-four per seven and shield her from every single germ.” Josh spits the words but then closes his eyes and bites his lip. He sighs. „Just... Nevermind, do what you think is right. Thank you for putting her to bed. Goodnight.”

He turns to the bedroom, flops face down onto the bed and stays like that, waiting for sleep to come. It doesn't come. He keeps rolling from one side onto another but he's too wide awake now so he rolls onto his back and rubs his hands over his face. He stares at the ceiling for a long few minutes. Then he remembers about his phone. 

He sits up and reaches to the drawer, grabbing his dead iPhone. He quickly turns it on and plugs it into the charger. The amount of notifications is too much - both for Josh to look at them calmly and for the phone to survive it all. It suddenly freezes and the notifications stop coming. The screen is lit up but none of the buttons react. When he finally manages to turn it off, he unplugs it and throws everything back into the drawer. 

 

In the morning, Tyler's belongings find their way back to the main bedroom. Josh walks into the room when Tyler puts his favorite pillow back on the bed.

„I hope you're not doing this just because I acted like a sleep-deprived asshole at four in the morning.”

„Of course not.”

„Good.” Josh nods shortly, grabs the first clean t-shirt from the closet and turns on his heel, leaving the bedroom again.

He leaves Izzy with Tyler and drives to the city later that day, not giving the singer any warning before disappearing from the apartment. For a while, he drives around without any destination, just to get away from his own place, his own daughter and his boyfriend. He doesn't know why he's so angry but he’s aware that he needs to calm down before he does or says something stupid. He stays away from his neighborhood for another four hours.

Even if Tyler is slightly pissed off when Josh finally comes back, he tries not to let it show but it's not hard to notice the way Tyler clenches his jaw and bites his lip like he tries to stop himself from making any mean comments. He gets curious when Josh puts a small white box containing a new iPhone on the kitchen table along with two bags of groceries. 

„You bought a new phone?”

„I upgraded.” Josh says shortly. „I have a new number as well. Should have done that earlier but better late than never, I guess.” He continues, mumbling more to himself than anyone else, unpacking groceries and placing them in the fridge and cupboards. „I will only give this number to the people I trust. Please, don't give it away to anyone else without my permission.”

„Of course.”

„Thank you.”

„Josh...” Tyler starts, clearing his throat. The drummer turns his head and looks at him questioningly. „I know you haven't slept. Take a nap?”

„I'll be fine.”

„Josh.”

„I said I'll be _fine_.”

„Okay.” Tyler sighs but backs away. Josh closes his eyes and hits his forehead against the fridge door. He goes after Tyler and catches him by the elbow, spinning him around. He opens his mouth to say something but nothing really comes out. Tyler looks at him for a long moment but then takes his hand and leads him to the bedroom. He tells Josh to undress. „Lie down.” He says, closing the curtains and climbing onto the bed himself. He gathers Josh in his arms and starts scratching the back of his head exactly like the drummer likes it. „Close your eyes.”

„Izzy?”

„She’s napping.”

„Why do you always do this?”

„Do what?”

„Act like this. I'm an asshole and you're never angry. You just... It's like you always take a step back and let me take it out on you.” Josh says, tracing random patterns on Tyler's chest with his finger. „So why are you always like this? I wish you would just yell at me sometimes. Tell me how much you're done with me. Tell me how ridiculous my mood swings are. Tell me to get my crap together.”

„I'd never do that.”

„Why? Because I'm fragile? Weak? Because you're afraid I'll cry?” Josh asks but Tyler says nothing, only pulls him closer. „I should, you know? I should get my act together. I'm sorry that you have to put up with me every day.” The drummer mumbles in defeat.

„Just sleep.”

„I love you, Tyler.”

„Just sleep, Josh.” Tyler sighs.

 

He receives the phone call from the unknown number three days later. He ignores it for the first time, wondering who it might be especially because he can't recognize it. He's surprised because he gave his new number only to his family members and a couple of close friends. 

When the phone rings for the second time a few hours later, he stares at it for a long time but finally, before he can change his mind, his thumb swipes the screen and he presses the phone against his ear. 

„Hello?” He says quietly.

„Joshua.” A female voice echoes on the other side of the line and Josh's knees get weak. He stumbles back and sits on the sofa. „Hello, son.”

„This is not your number.” Is the first thing that comes to Josh's mind. 

„No, it's not.” Laura admits. „But I wasn't sure if you would answer if you knew that it was me.”

„How- How did you get my new number?”

„I overheard Jordan and Abigail's conversation that you changed it. I knew your father would have it and I wasn't wrong. I copied it from his phone.”

„Oh.” Josh takes a deep breath. He suddenly feels bad about not letting her know. „Why... Uhm. Why are you calling?”

He looks up when Tyler enters the living room with Izzy in his arms. Josh immediately puts his finger against his lips, giving Tyler the sign not to speak. Tyler frowns but nods and sits on the couch on the opposite side of the room, watching the drummer and letting Izzy play with his fingers.

„We need to talk.” Laura says. 

„What about?”

„This whole ridiculous situation. It needs to end.”

„Oh? What do you mean?”

„You have managed to turn the whole family against me, Joshua.”

Josh pales.

„E-excuse me?” He chokes out. He immediately realizes that his mother is not calling to make amends.

„Ashley and Andrew have stopped coming over for Sunday dinners. Just yesterday Abigail announced that she's looking for an apartment to rent and Jordan is never home anymore. My own children barely talk to me and your father threatened to divorce me if I don't talk it out with you-”

„Wait.” The drummer pinches the bridge of his nose. „Wait. Are you really calling to remind me how much you still blame me for what happened?”

„No, son. I'm calling because I have a proposition.”

„Proposition.” Josh repeats and looks at Tyler. 

The singer surrounds Izzy with toys and leaves her on the floor. He tiptoes to Josh and sits next to the drummer, leaning against his side and trying to hear what Laura is saying. 

„Yes. I always want the best for you, you know that.”

„Right...” Josh sighs. When Tyler puts his hand on his leg and starts rubbing it soothingly, Josh covers it with his own and laces their fingers together. The singer lifts their joined hands to his mouth and kisses the back of Josh's hand. „What's your proposition, then?”

„I'm not proud of your choices, Joshua. But people _talk_ and they pry, every day. And I'm tired of lying to them.”

„I've never asked you to lie.” He says bravely.

„You need a wife and your child needs a mother.”

„She has a mother.” Josh insists.

„She needs a mother who will be there for her. She needs a complete family. And if Debby is not mature enough-”

„Mom, stop. I don't want to hear it.”

„Joshua-”

„Mom, I swear to God, one more word and I'm gonna hang up on you.”

„Maybe if you don't want to marry Deborah, you should try to find some other girl. Do you remember Lisa? I've met her in church recently. We talked and I told her about your situation. She said-”

„Mom...”

„We can set you up with her daughter. We can arrange a quiet wedding and tell people that you've been dating all this time but kept your relationship private. Look, this is your chance-”

„You're crazy.” Josh shakes his head and it's suddenly hard to breathe. „You're absolutely crazy. What are you even talking about!? Mom, I- I can't believe this. How can you-”

Before he can finish the sentence, Tyler snatches the phone from his hand and presses it against his ear.

„Hello, Laura.” He says with a fake enthusiasm. „Yes, hi. This is Tyler. Yes, I'm with Josh. I moved to Los Angeles a while ago, actually. I'm sorry but Josh can't take your offer.” He grits his teeth, clearly frustrated. „Oh, no. No. I'm not his advocate but you almost gave him a panic attack so I'm gonna finish this conversation and ask you to stop doing what you're doing. Look, Isabel has a family already. One big, loving family. Everyone we know, except you, apparently. But that's fine. Please, stop trying to improve Josh's life because he doesn't need it and honestly? You're pretty _shit_ at it.” Tyler says and Josh almost gasps. Tyler has never cursed in Laura's presence before. „We're happy here, with the way things are and we don't need your _help_. Say hi to Lisa from me and tell her that Josh is not interested. And please, don't call again because if I find out that you keep bullying your own son, I won't be this nice. I _love_ him too much to let people like you make him feel worthless. Goodbye, Laura. It was nice talking to you. Have a good day.” Tyler says and hangs up. Josh watches him as he blocks the number and scrolls down the list of contacts to block Laura's personal number as well. Then he throws the phone on the couch and exhales. He looks at Josh and the drummer swallows with difficulty. Tyler kneels down before him and puts his hand on his best friend's cheek. „Are you with me?” He asks and Josh gives one firm nod of his head.

„I'm- I'm fine.”

„Of course you are, sweet. Of course you are.”

„How could she-”

„Are you thirsty?” Tyler asks, cutting him off mid-sentence. „Hungry? You know, I think we should have a movie night tonight after we put Izzy to bed. A movie night with a whole big box of vanilla ice-cream.”

„Chocolate.” Josh says.

„Vanilla.”

„Chocolate.”

Tyler smiles.

„Okay. Chocolate.”

„And we're watching _the X-Files_.”

„Josh, you've seen it two million times before. Maybe we should give some other TV show a chance as well?”

„No.” Josh shakes his head. „We're watching _the X-Files_.”

„I'm surprised you didn't name your daughter _the X-Files_.” Tyler laughs and sits next to him. He gives him a quick kiss and runs his thumb over Josh's stubbly chin. He hesitates but then looks up at Josh. „I need to talk to you.”


	26. Chapter 26

„ _No_.”

„But Josh-”

„No.” Josh stands up, making Tyler drop his hand. The younger man follows him with his gaze. „I said no. I'm not going.”

„She can help you.”

„There's nothing wrong with me.”

„I've never said there was.”

„Then why do you want me to go there!?” Josh raises his voice, making Izzy look up at him. He presses the tips of his fingers against his eyelids until it hurts. „I just-” He starts again, more quietly. „I just don't want to go. I'm not going. Cancel it.”

„I will go with you.”

„Go _without_ me.” Josh hisses and opens the balcony door. He walks outside, wraps his fingers around the metal railings and takes a deep breath. 

„You know why I want you to go.” Tyler's voice rings behind his back a second later and Josh clenches his jaw. He doesn't want the neighbors to eavesdrop so he comes back inside pushing past Tyler but the singer follows him like a shadow and Josh realizes that even if his apartment is quite big, there are too many open spaces but not many places to hide.

„Screw you.” He says when Tyler tries to catch his hand. „I'll be fine. I _am_ fine.”

„Josh-”

„Stop doing things behind my back!” Josh shouts.

„I've never done anything against your will before.”

„So you decided it's a good time to start now?”

„Why are you so angry?” Tyler asks, crossing his arms over his chest. „I'm trying to help you.”

„Like my mother? You're not much different than her then.”

„Josh, please. Listen to me.”

„Leave me alone.”

He turns on his heel to leave the room but Tyler catches his wrist in a strong grip and doesn't let him go away. Instead, he spins him around and they end up standing chest to chest, looking each other straight in the eyes. Tyler is more than aware that he's risking a punch in the face or at least a solid push. 

The grip on Josh's wrist is almost painful, there's a weird ball blocking his throat, his eyes sting and his chest feels heavy. Tyler finally lets go of his wrist but doesn't step back. He stands his ground, almost challengingly.

„You're the strongest person I know.” He says in a soft voice even if Josh expects some kind of a snappy reprimand. „I've known you for over six years and you've never given me a single reason to doubt you. And I need you to understand that I'm not doubting you right now - I would never dare to doubt you. I just think that _everyone_ is allowed to use some help once in a while. And they should never be ashamed of getting it. And _you_ should never be ashamed to ask for it.”

„You're helping.”

Tyler shakes his head.

„Not as much as I'd want to.”

„It's enough. You're enough.”

„You know it's not.” The singer says and Josh bites his lip. A single tear starts rolling down his cheek and he quickly wipes it with the back of his hand but he knows Tyler noticed it. „Do you see what I'm talking about? _This_ is exactly why I want you to go there.” Tyler insists and the drummer bites back a frustrated sob. „You cry when you think I can't see you. You get angry without a reason and your mood swings are terrible. You sleep all night or you don't sleep at all, your emotions are out of place... Do you want me to go on? I just want you to get the control back.”

The good side of Josh tells him to agree because he knows there's only truth in Tyler's words. The bad side of him boils with rage and this time, it wins. Josh looks at the singer for a long moment before turning around and picking up his daughter. 

„Cancel the appointment.” He hisses through his clenched teeth and leaves the room. He can hear Tyler calling his name one more time but he doesn't stop until he reaches the nursery and closes the door behind him with more force than he intended to. 

 

They never watch any movies or eat the ice-cream. Not long after Josh disappears with Izzy in her room, the front door slams shut. 

The sound immediately turns the drummer into an anxious mess. For the next few hours, he paces nervously around the apartment, looks through the window, waits for the sound of the key turning in the lock, a text message or a phone call. Nothing happens. The apartment is quiet and the silence is interrupted only by Izzy's babbling or impatient cries when her father doesn’t pay attention to her for too long.

 _A therapist_. Tyler wants him to see a therapist. Josh didn't agree so it finally happened - _Tyler finally left me_ , he tells himself and the thought never leaves his mind. He can’t stop shaking until the rest of the day and then he doesn't even remember how he managed to put Izzy to sleep.

In the late evening he turns to the main bedroom and climbs on the bed. He lets out a shaky breath and listens to the ticking of the clock. He doesn't know how much time has passed before the front door opens and Josh hears Tyler moving around the apartment. His heart starts beating faster and he's suddenly scared that Tyler came back only to pack his things. 

But then the shower starts. Tyler leaves the bathroom exactly twelve minutes later (Josh couldn't stop himself from counting) and walks into the bedroom.

„Where have you been?” Josh asks but Tyler doesn't even look in his direction.

„You're not the only person who needs some _fresh air_ sometimes.” Tyler says without any emotion in his voice, searching through his clothes for a clean t-shirt to sleep.

„You've been gone for hours.”

„Oh! So you're allowed to disappear for half a day without any word of warning every now and then but I'm not?” Tyler raises his eyebrow, glancing at him over his shoulder. „Interesting.”

Josh rolls onto his side, facing away from Tyler. There's more shuffling around the room but then the bed dips and Tyler gets himself ready to sleep. They don't cuddle like always and there's an empty space between them. Tyler turns off the light.

„I thought you left me.” Josh mumbles quietly.

The silence is interrupted only by Tyler's loud, dramatic sigh. 

„I'm not leaving.”

„Maybe you should.” Josh says before he can stop himself.

He can swear that Tyler stopped breathing for a full minute. The bright light fills the room again when Tyler clicks the lamp back on and Josh feels the mattress move when the younger man props himself up on his elbow and probably stares the hole in the back of the drummer’s head.

„What the hell is that supposed to mean?” The singer asks but Josh clenches his teeth and squeezes his eyes shut. Tyler waits for the response for a long moment before he climbs out of the bed and grabs his pillow. „You know what, Josh? _Fuck you_. I'm not gonna sit here and listen to this _bullshit_. And for the sake of this relationship or whatever we have, I will pretend that you just didn't say that. But next time, my _friend_ , think before you say something you may regret later.”

When the bedroom door slams shut, Josh almost jumps on the bed. He has to bite his own pillow to stop himself from screaming. 

He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns for hours before he can't take this anymore. It's three in the morning when Josh tiptoes to the living room and finds Tyler asleep on the couch. He sits down on the floor and for a few minutes only listens to the other man’s breathing. He hesitantly reaches out and puts his hand on the side of Tyler's head. When his thumb starts stroking the skin on his temple, the younger man stirs. He opens his eyes and blinks, looking at the silhouette of Josh. He quickly checks the time on his phone and yawns, rolling onto his back without a word and Josh retreats his hand.

The drummer stands up but instead of leaving, he clumsily climbs onto the couch and lies down between Tyler and the backrest of the couch. He puts his head on Tyler's chest and listens to the beating of his heart. 

„I didn't mean it. I don't want you to leave.” He says quietly. Tyler exhales but besides that one heavy sigh, Josh doesn't get any other reaction. „I swear, I didn't mean it.”

„Yeah.” Tyler's voice is still raspy from sleep. „I figured.”

„I was upset.”

„You're always upset.”

„I was upset because you didn't ask for my permission.” Josh insists. „It wasn't fair.”

„Okay.” Tyler admits. „You're right. It wasn't fair. But I knew that if I didn't sign you up for an appointment, you wouldn't do that.”

„I wouldn't.”

„I still haven't canceled it.”

„Tyler, for God's sake! I'm not going. I hate that woman.”

„I thought you chose her because she's the best therapist in LA.”

„I've changed my mind.”

„Why?”

„Because.” Josh snaps.

„Here we go again.” Tyler sighs. „Can we talk like adults for once? When was the last time you've talked to someone?”

„Right now, actually. I'm talking to you.”

„Josh-”

„I don't know, Tyler. When was the last time _you_ have talked to someone?” Josh asks in a bitter tone.

„Okay, this conversation is pointless.”

„You're right. It is.” Josh nods, lifting himself up. „Sorry for waking you.” He says but before he manages to get up, Tyler hooks his arm around his neck and pulls him down again, making him lie down on top of his chest. „Let me go! Tyler... What the hell! Let me go!”

„Count to ten if you have to, take a deep breath and calm the _hell_ down.” Tyler hisses straight into his ear.

The anger and cursing bring Josh back into reality. He stops fighting and becomes limp on top of Tyler. He doesn't know why but his mouth works on its own and he starts repeating apologies over and over again. He can't control the fountain of tears that starts coming out of his eyes either.

He pushes his nose in the crook of Tyler's neck, begging, waiting. When Tyler pulls him even closer and places a long kiss on the top of his messy hair and then another on his forehead, Josh knows he's forgiven. It makes him cry even harder.

„I'm sorry. I'm s-so sorry.” He hiccups. „You're t-too good to me. I'm sorry, I'm such a mess! Please, d-don't leave me. Please. I'll be better. I'll t-try harder.”

„Josh, breathe. _Breathe_.” Tyler tries but Josh only frantically shakes his head. „Baby, come on. Look at me.” Tyler pushes Josh off him and slowly leads both of them up to sit. Josh still clings to Tyler's side, hiding his face and fisting the material of the singer's t-shirt. „It's okay. It's okay, I promise.”

„It's not!”

„It is.” Tyler reaches out to turn on the light and forces Josh to look up. He wipes his wet face, kisses Josh's nose, both of his cheeks, both of his salty eyelids. Then he gathers him in his arms again and rocks them slowly from side to side. „I'm sorry, love. It's my fault. I didn't mean to upset you.”

„You- you didn't.”

„I did. I was pushing you too far. And I'm really sorry.”

„I'm sorry too. Will y-you forgive me?”

„There's absolutely nothing to forgive.” Tyler says with a smile. „You know what? Wait here.”

„No. Don't go. _Please_.” Josh whines. He doesn't remember the last time he made such a pathetic sound.

„I'll be back in ten seconds. You can even count out loud. I just need to go to the kitchen real quick.” Tyler pecks him on the lips and escapes from Josh's grip. „Count.” He says and before Josh can say _one_ , Tyler is already out of his sight.

„Two.” Josh says shakily and grabs a handful of tissues from the box, trying to make himself look more human. „Three. F-four.”

The counting is slow so Tyler manages to go back on _five_ , carrying a box of ice-cream and two spoons. Josh laughs through his tears at the sight and accepts the treat. He immediately digs his spoon in the hard surface of frozen ice-cream and shoves it into his mouth. When the cold piece melts on his tongue, a new wave of unidentified feelings shots right through him and he starts crying again.

„Hey.” Tyler immediately sits down next to him. He puts the box away on the coffee table and embraces Josh. „I brought you ice-cream to make you smile, not to make you cry even more.”

Josh knows he probably looks pathetic with his red face, runny nose and cheeks moist from tears. He doesn't remember the last time he cried so hard. Of course, there were tears here and there but this time it feels like something he tried to glue together so many times before finally irreversibly broke. 

Everything is suddenly too much. Izzy's teething, her sleepless nights, all the articles of himself he read on the Internet when Tyler didn't see him doing it, his mother's unchangeable point of view, the fact that his siblings are still taking his side, the realization that Tyler is slowly running out of patience and signing him up for the therapist appointments without him knowing because he's done with Josh's bullshit, Debby being away, Brendon being on tour... It's all too much. 

His whole chest aches from the lack of oxygen when sob after sob keeps leaving his body, his eyes never stop producing tears when Tyler pulls him close and runs his fingers through Josh's messy hair, his fists hurt from clenching them too hard.

„I deserve this.” He mumbles.

„Hmm?” Tyler looks down at him.

„I deserve this.” He repeats louder.

„You deserve what?”

„ _This_.”

„This?” Tyler asks with confusion in his voice. „What do you mean? You deserve being miserable?”

„Yeah.” Josh nods, sniffling loudly. „I brought it on my-myself, I deserve this.” It makes Tyler opens his mouth but Josh doesn't let him speak. „If I- If I didn't fuck up... Maybe we- we would have another album ready. Maybe we would be on a-another tour. And now w-what? We're sitting here together like p-prisoners because of a baby that's a p-product of my stupidity. And- And you're here because you-”

„Because I love you.” Tyler cuts him off.

„N-no!” Josh says stubbornly.

„No? You think I don't love you?”

„You're h-here because you feel obligated to be here, after everything I- I told you! You take pity on me and you're ruining y-your own life! Maybe you really should g-go. Just leave me and be h-happy.”

„Oh, Josh. I am happy. I have everything I've ever wanted - my band, my beautiful and talented drummer who also happens to be my boyfriend and amazing father of a tiny bundle of joy named Isabel. I am proud of you, I am happy, and I want you to be happy too. You deserve to be happy.”

„I don't.” Josh whimpers. „I really don't.”

„You do, sweet. You do. I wish you finally believed that.” Tyler sighs. „What makes you happy, Josh?”

„Music. My drums.” He answers without hesitation.

„I haven't heard you drum in ages, you know?” Tyler murmurs into his ear. „What else?”

„Izzy. Especially h-her smile.” Josh says. „Ice-cream. And road trips. And s-skateboarding.”

„See? There are so many things, Josh. If you only focused more on things that make you happy, you would feel so much better. Come on. Sit up. Look at me.” The singer says, gently pushing him away. Josh lets go of him and looks at Tyler. „You-” Tyler starts and wipes Josh's tears with his thumbs. „-are a grown-up man. And no one... Do you hear me? _No one_ has the right to tell you how to live your life. Not your fans, not the smarties on the Internet, not your family, especially not your mother, _no one_. You shouldn't be afraid to live your life the way you want to and you shouldn't be afraid of making your own decisions, having your own opinions and saying _no_ whenever you feel like it.”

„Just like I said _no_ when you told me about the appointment?” Josh tries to joke.

Tyler bursts out laughing.

„Yes, exactly how you said _no_ to me. See? It was a great start. But honestly, we still need to talk about it later, you know?”

„Yes.” Josh sighs, much calmer than before. „You know what else makes me happy? _You_. You make me happy. And I don't know what I would do without you. And no matter how many times I will tell you to go, I will never ever mean it. I want to grow old with you, however cheesy that sounds.”

„I want the same thing." Tyler smiles. „And we will, okay? We will watch Izzy grow up. We will record another album, no matter how long it takes and we will go on tour again. We will show her our favorite places around the world and we will live our lives, exactly how we want to. Okay?”

„Yeah. Yeah, okay.” Josh nods and for the first time genuinely smiles. 

„But before all of that happens, there's one more thing to be done.” Tyler says and reaches for his phone. He quickly dials a number and puts in on speaker. „Because waiting is for losers.”

„What are you doing?” Josh whispers but Tyler only brings his finger to his lips. 

„Something that will make you truly happy, I think. We’ve been joking about it many times but I know how serious it is for you.”

„Joseph...” Brendon’s sleepy voice finally appears on the other side of the line. „There better be a fire, an earthquake or an emergency because Josh went out to search for aliens and got lost in the woods. Because otherwise, I'm gonna fucking kill you. It's four in the morning.”

„I know, Brendon. I’m sorry. But this is incredibly important.”

„Oh?”

„Yeah. I'm calling to ask if your offer still stands.”

„My offer? What offer?”

Tyler turns to Josh and looks him straight in the eyes.

„To sing at our wedding.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *if you think that the ending of this chapter is rushed clap your hands*


	27. Chapter 27

**One and a half year later.**

„We're Twenty One Pilots and so are you! See you next time, Columbus! Peace!” Tyler yells into the microphone and Josh can't stop himself from grinning. He shares a look with the singer and they walk off stage in two separate ways: Tyler to the right and Josh to the left. 

Josh waves to the crowd one last time before disappearing from their view and someone gives him a small towel and a bottle of water. He accepts them with a sigh of relief, quickly gulping down the cool liquid. He’s happy. It feels good to be back on stage. It also feels good to be back in Ohio.

He keeps walking down the hallway, accepting congratulations, high fives and words of approval from the crew and technicians and throws the empty bottle to the trash bin. He tries to remember where he left his phone and hopes that Kelly and Chris managed to put Izzy to sleep without any problems. They took her in for the night after picking her up from the venue a few hours before the show and Josh couldn’t be more grateful.

By the time he gets to the dressing room, he notices Mark standing in front of the door with arms crossed over his chest. He looks up at Josh and sets his lips into a thin line and the drummer immediately knows that he's nervous about something - traveling together for years teaches you to recognize the smallest changes in your friend's mood.

„Hey, man. What's up?” Josh asks, wiping the back of his neck with a towel. „You okay?”

„Yeah... Please, don’t freak out. But someone’s here to see you.” Mark says and nods in the direction of the dressing room.

„Who?” Josh frowns but pushes the door open. When he looks around and spots the guest sitting on the couch, he pauses with his hand on the doorknob. „Mom?” 

„Joshua,” Laura says, looking at him with a smile. „Amazing show, son. You were brilliant, as always.”

Josh's mind goes a thousand miles per hour in a hundred different directions. He hasn't talked to his mother for over a year and now she's in his dressing room, looking at him, congratulating him on the show like nothing ever happened between them. 

He tries to form a sentence but nothing really comes out of his mouth. He ends up rubbing his hands over his face, squeezes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. When he opens his eyes again, Laura is still there. _Not a dream, then._

„I know we haven't been on the best terms lately.” The woman continues, seeing his troubled face. „But I know you have a week off between shows and Mark already told me that you’re staying in Ohio. I would love if you came over for lunch on Saturday. You could bring your daughter.” She looks around like she expects to find a child somewhere in the room. „Tyler can come over too if he wants to.”

„We're kinda busy on Saturday.” Josh blurts out, feeling his heart race in his chest. 

Before his anxiety takes over completely, someone grabs his hand and laces their fingers together. Tyler immediately takes a small step forward and shields Josh from his mother, never letting go of his hand. 

„What's going on?” The singer asks and the drummer lets out a long shaky breath of relief.

„Absolutely nothing,” Laura says, frowning at the sight of their joined hands. „Hello, Tyler.”

„Hello, Laura.”

„What a great show, you never disappoint!” She sends them another smile but Tyler keeps looking at her suspiciously.

„Thank you.” He nods, never taking his eyes off her.

„Mom wants us to come over for lunch on Saturday.” Josh says quickly, interrupting the fake conversation. He uses the back of his hand to wipe off the annoying drop of sweat running down his temple.

„Oh?” Tyler quirks his eyebrow. „We already have plans for Saturday.”

„Yes, Josh mentioned it. But I'd love if we ate together this weekend and I hope it's nothing you couldn't change, isn't it?”

„Theoretically.”

„Mom wants us to bring Isabel.” Josh mumbles and Tyler squeezes his hand even harder. 

„Look-” Tyler hisses but Josh immediately cuts him off.

„Ty, please.” He says firmly. He knows how stubborn Tyler is and he doesn't want any more unnecessary conflicts between them. „Just… _Please._ ”

„Alright. Fine. Fine!” Tyler says angrily and finally lets go of Josh's hand. He grabs his things and turns to the bathroom. „But if Izzy throws a tantrum because instead of petting ponies she had to listen to a couple of grown-ups fighting at the table, you're the one telling her why the hell that happened.”

„Tyler-” Josh sighs but the singer is already slamming the bathroom door behind him. „Sorry about that.” He says, glancing at his mother. He's nervous. He knows that no child should feel nervous in the presence of their own parent but that’s what staying in the same room with his mother does to him.

„It's okay, Josh. I understand.” She says, grabbing her bag. „I should go. The invitation still stands. I hope you can make it. Maybe it's hard to believe it but I really don't have any bad intentions. Can you call me on Friday to confirm if you're coming over or not? My number is still the same.”

Josh nods and follows her to the door. They exchange short goodbyes and when Laura finally leaves, Josh sneaks into the bathroom. He quickly takes off his clothes, climbs in the cabin behind Tyler and wraps his arms around the singer's waist. He lets the warm water pour over both of them.

„Hey.” Josh says and kisses his wet shoulder. 

Tyler immediately relaxes and rests his back against Josh's chest. 

„Hey.” He replies quietly. „I'm sorry for causing a scene but I'm not really a fan of your mother. And I have my reasons to be suspicious about the sudden change in her behavior.”

„I know, it’s alright.” Josh says, taking a foamy sponge from Tyler's hands and running it over the singer's torso, from his neck all the way down to his belly button. „You sang really well tonight.”

Tyler laughs.

„Yeah. And you drummed perfectly but let's not change the subject.” 

„I'm as surprised as you are.” Josh sighs and takes a step back. He starts washing Tyler's back. „And I'm really scared of whatever she has in mind but on the other hand, what if she's finally come to her senses? What if this is the only chance to bring back good relations between us and introduce Isabel to her grandmother?”

Tyler turns around and takes the sponge again. He rinses it with water and squeezes a small amount of shower gel, creating fresh foam. He starts running the sponge over Josh's shoulders. 

„I know what you mean. And if you really want to, we will go there. Do you want to go?”

„I mean, we're staying in Columbus this week anyway, so...”

„Alright.” Tyler smiles and leans in to kiss him. He pushes Josh under the stream again. „We will go then. Now, come on, let me wash your hair.”

 

Saturday comes faster than Josh expects it, turning him into an anxious mess from the moment he opens his eyes in the morning. He's not in the mood for exercising so he sends Tyler for a morning run with their dog just so he can freak out in peace. When Izzy wakes up, he helps her dress up, ties her hair up in two high ponytails and sends her to the living room with crayons, colorful sharpies and a couple of paper sheets.

„Okay, baby. You stay here and maybe draw something beautiful for Tyler and I'll start making breakfast, alright?”

Izzy sits down on the floor and focuses on her drawing. Instead of going to the kitchen, Josh stays in the doorway, watching her for a while with a smile. It’s still hard to believe how fast time flies and how much his life has changed for the better even if he used to doubt himself every chance he got. It’s still hard to believe that the new album is out, Twenty One Pilots is on tour again and their fans are supportive like never before. It’s still hard to believe that juggling childcare with work turned out to be much easier than he thought it would be but he knows he wouldn’t be able to do it without his siblings, Debby, Brendon, Tyler’s parents and Tyler himself. It’s still hard to believe that he’s engaged to the man he’s been in love with since he first laid his eyes on and no one knows about it yet. It’s also hard to believe that after all this time, there are no pictures of Izzy’s face on the Internet. 

His daughter looks up at him and smiles. He smiles back and finally goes to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. He’s still not completely used to navigate around Tyler’s house and he growls in frustration every time he can’t find something but thirty minutes later their breakfast is done. 

„Alright!” Josh says loudly, turning to the living room again. „Everything is ready, Tyler and Jim should be back in a few minutes and- Shit! I mean... _Crap_! Izzy!” He freezes, looking at the scene in front of him: she's standing close to Tyler's piano with colorful sharpies in her little hand. A few of the white keys are already colored and there's a long smudge of blue on her cheek. „Oh no, baby! Oh my God, what have you done!? How many times has daddy told you that we do _not_ draw on _anything_ besides _paper_!” Josh sucks in a breath and runs his fingers through his hair. „Tyler will kill us... Izzy, goddamnit!” He raises his voice, causing her to stare at him with wide eyes. „You… You can’t draw on random things! Oh, God. Wait here. Just don't draw on the piano again!” He runs to the bathroom and searches for cleaning supplies. He comes back with a cloth and a multi-surface cleaner and tries to wipe off the drawings. His hopes get crushed when instead of getting rid of the colors completely, the cleaner spreads them around the keys even more. „What the heck! What kind of sharpies are those? It's not coming off!”

His heart stops beating when the front door slams shut. Jim runs into the living room first, immediately approaching Izzy and wagging his tail. He licks her face and she giggles loudly. Josh tries to stay calm even if he knows that a big fight is about to happen. Tyler’s grand piano is destroyed. A grand piano that's his probably most prized possession. 

Josh steps out to the hallway and stops in front of Tyler when the other man kicks off his shoes.

„Hey.” Tyler smiles and gives Josh a quick kiss. 

„Hey.” The drummer smiles but swallows nervously when Tyler looks down again. „Breakfast is ready. Why don't you go to the kitchen?”

„Josh, I'm covered in sweat. Taking Jim for a run instead of a walk was a terrible, terrible idea. Can I take a shower first? Where's Izzy? She's up, yeah?”

„Well, yeah but-”

„Ty-Ty!” As summoned, Izzy runs to Tyler with Jim hot on her heels. He immediately picks her up and kisses her cheek.

„Hello, baby girl! I see that your artistic soul doesn't mind that it's only seven in the morning.” He laughs and tries to wipe the blue spot from her cheek with his thumb.

„You're wet!” She giggles but doesn’t try to let go of him.

„Yes, I am. I was running, you know? With Jim. He's very fast.”

„Daddy angry.” She states suddenly and throws her little hands around Tyler's neck. 

„Daddy? Angry?” Tyler frowns and glances at Josh. „Why is he angry, Izzy?”

„Piano-”

„Alright!” Josh cuts her off, throwing his hands in the air. „Let's just go eat!”

„No, no. Wait. What's going on? Tell me, Izzy. I won't be angry, whatever it is. I promise you’re not in trouble.” He says. She hesitates but finally whispers something into Tyler's ear and his frown deepens even more. He sends Josh a questioning look but then turns on his heel and leaves the drummer in the hallway. He goes to the living room, still bouncing Izzy on his hip.

Josh sighs in defeat and turns to the kitchen. He sits at the table, puts his head in his hands and wonders why Tyler is not screaming at him yet. They’re in Tyler’s house and Josh knows he should never trust a two-year-old enough to leave her alone for half an hour with expensive things in her reach.

His head shots up when he hears Izzy's giggling. He stands up and peeks into the living room where the little girl sits on the piano stool and Tyler kneels next to her.

„What color?” The singer asks, looking at her.

„Blue.”

„Okay. Blue.” Tyler picks up a sharpie and focuses on the keys. „It’s your favorite one, isn’t it?”

The angle doesn’t let Josh see what Tyler is doing so he walks over just to notice him drawing a blue flower on one of the keys.

„What the heck are you doing!?” Josh shouts in shock, almost in a high-pitched voice.

„Pink now.” Izzy demands, handing Tyler a sharpie and ignoring her father.

„This is red, sweetheart. This one is pink.” He tells her, picking up a pink sharpie from the floor. „So which one do you want?” He asks and Izzy chooses the first one. „Okay, red then. We still haven’t used the yellow one yet. Do you want to draw something yellow?”

Izzy takes a yellow sharpie and focuses on another white key. Josh gulps at the sight.

„Tyler...” Josh whispers in shock. „ _What_.”

„Okay, Iz. Keep going. I need to talk to daddy, okay? We’ll eat breakfast together in a minute.” Tyler stands up and stops in front of Josh, who keeps looking at the piano with the most terrified expression on his face. „Josh.”

„I’m sorry!” Josh blurts out before he can stop himself. „I know I should have kept an eye on her but I went to make breakfast and when I came back here the damage was already done! And I’ve tried to clean it up but it didn’t work! And then you came back and I panicked… And you didn’t have to do that, you don’t have to pretend like you’re okay with it because I know it’s not okay and I’m so sorry, Ty, so sorry. I’ll pay for everything, I promise.”

„Izzy said she did it because it was ugly. She was right.” Tyler smiles. „It looks much more beautiful now.”

„W-what?”

„Josh, if I wasn’t okay with this, I would make that clear. And I wouldn’t draw on the keys myself.” The singer says and puts his hands on Josh’s cheeks. He leans in and places a long loving kiss on his lips. „Now, help Izzy. I really need to take a shower and then we will finally eat because I’m _starving_.”

Josh watches with open mouth as Tyler leaves the room and pets Jim on his way to the bathroom. He takes a deep breath and looks at Izzy over his shoulder. 

„That was way too easy.” He says to himself, blinking.

„Izzy?”

„ _Easy_. Too easy.”

„ _Izzy_.” Isabel repeats stubbornly.

Josh snorts but picks her up and places her in his lap. 

„Okay. Izzy.” He says, wrapping his arms around her.

„And daddy.”

„And daddy.” He kisses her temple and she cuddles against his chest, tracing his tattoo with her little fingers like she always does when Josh holds her. „I love you so much, my little munchkin.”

 

„You're driving.” Josh announces later that day, pushing the car key into Tyler's hand. „Please.” He adds after realizing how demanding that sounded.

„I thought you wanted me to sit in the back with Izzy?”

„Well, change of plans.” The drummer takes a deep breath. „Where's this little rascal, by the way? She needs to-”

„Josh.” Tyler's voice rings behind his back and Josh stops mid-step. The singer takes a step closer and touches his shoulder, making him turn around. „Is everything okay?”

Josh sighs. He looks up at Tyler and nods.

„Yeah, just... Uh.” He lifts his arms so Tyler can see how badly his hands are shaking. „I don't think I can drive today. I'm too nervous.”

„Oh, baby.” Tyler coos and immediately wraps his arms around the drummer who returns the hug without hesitation. „Look...” Tyler says, gently running his fingers through Josh's hair and massaging his scalp in a calming gesture. „I'm gonna be there with you like I always am. And the moment Laura says anything stupid, it will be the moment we leave. I'm not gonna let her make you feel bad about anything and abuse you like that. It's not gonna happen. Not on my watch.”

„I'm so terrified.” He mumbles into Tyler's shoulder and lets out a short nervous giggle. „I don't know what to expect and it scares me so bad.”

„I know. But I promise everything will be okay.”

Josh smiles and embraces Tyler tighter.

„I love you.”

„I love you too. Now, let's go.” The singer says and pulls back. „Izzy! Jim! We're leaving!” He shouts. Izzy appears in the hallway and immediately stands in front of Tyler making grabby hands. He picks her up and places a sloppy kiss on her cheek, making her giggle. „We're off to see grandma!”

„Kiki?” Izzy asks enthusiastically and Josh bites his lip. The word _grandma_ reminds Izzy of only one person: Kelly Joseph. She's her favorite grandma even if Debby's mother tries to be present in Izzy's life as much as she can. „No. We're not seeing Kiki today. We're seeing Laura. You haven't met her yet because she was... away. She lives with grandpa Bill. Are you excited?”

Izzy nods even if Josh knows that she has no idea what Tyler is talking about. They get in the car and drive to Laura's house in silence that gets interrupted only by Izzy's singing. 

Josh's heart is in his throat when they pull in the driveway. He doesn't hide his surprise when he sees Ashley's car parked along the curb. He didn't expect any of his siblings to be there, yet when they get out of the car, the front door opens and all three of them go out to greet the guest.

„We didn't know about any of this.” Abigail says, picking up Izzy and hugging the life out of her. „She just told us. Like, five minutes ago.”

„She only said something about family dinner and having guests. We thought it would be Jennifer's family since mom has gotten pretty close to them during the last few months.” Jordan continues, helping Jim jump out of the car. „We didn't know it's you. I don't know what's going on but I'm really glad you're here.” He smiles and gives Josh a side-hug. He high-fives Tyler and boops Izzy in the nose. 

„Remember, brother. Whatever happens - we're on your side.” Ashley pats him in the back and they all walk inside. 

Tyler's hand slips into his and their fingers lace together. _Told you it's gonna be okay_ , Tyler whispers and after placing a quick kiss on Josh's knuckles, he drops his hand. 

The first encounter is awkward. Josh embraces his father but when it comes to greeting Laura, he's not sure if he should hug her or not. Izzy's confused too, hiding behind Josh's legs when Laura crouches down to say hi to her. When Josh picks her up, she wraps her little arms around him and hides her face in the crook of his neck. Laura's face falls a little but Josh is not surprised. Izzy doesn't trust strangers and Laura is basically just another stranger for her. 

Lunch goes smoothly and it feels almost like the old times even if there's still a big elephant in the room and Laura has never made her intentions clear. 

„You haven't put her on some ridiculous meatless diet, have you?” She asks, putting a small plate in front of Izzy. It's full of colorful vegetables and boiled chicken breast and Josh is actually impressed that his mother thought about making something that a two-year-old would actually eat.

„No. And we're definitely not opposed to gluten either.”

„God bless you, Joshua. At least you're resistant to those weird LA trends.”

„I've always been.” Josh mumbles and passes Izzy over to Tyler, who lets her sit on his lap. 

The singer cuts the meat for her and helps her stab the first piece with a fork. When she focuses on eating, he relaxes in his chair and exchanges smile with Josh. 

Laura watches them closely through the whole lunch and Josh knows it. He can feel her gaze on both of them even if she tries to be discreet with her observations.

„So, Tyler.” Bill starts. „How long have you been living in LA?”

„I moved in with Josh a few months after he took Izzy.”

„And what about Jenna?”

„We broke up.” Tyler answers without missing the beat. „Our relationship didn't work out. And I found someone else.”

„In LA?” Laura asks and Josh tenses. This is a dangerous subject. „That's why you decided to move to California?”

„Yes. Basically.”

„Aren't you guys, like, sick of each other?” Jordan laughs. „You're in the band together, you're always in the tour bus together and now you live together. With a kid!”

„Some people might think that you're a couple.” Bill jokes.

„Yeah, well...” Tyler starts, helping Izzy with her fork again.

„Tyler, don't-” Josh warns but it's too late.

„We're actually engaged.”

Josh pales. He didn't want anyone to know, not even his family. At least _not yet_. But now the cat is out of the bag and they can only wait for his family’s reaction.

A sudden silence falls at the table and everyone stares at him. Jordan breaks the tension first, bursting out laughing. Everyone smiles and laughs like they don't really believe them but Tyler keep staring at them with a serious expression on his face. 

Josh sighs, puts his own fork down and reaches under his shirt, taking out a chain with a silver ring hanging on it. It's now or never. And if Tyler thinks it’s a good idea, _fine_.

„It's actually true.” He says sheepishly, presenting his ring. „I'm not wearing it on my finger for obvious reasons. We don't want anyone to know. This is ours.”

„You're joking.” Abigail says but something in her eyes tells Josh that she's not mocking him and she's genuinely excited. „You must be joking!”

„You can't be serious.” Ashley shakes her head. „I mean... Is this a prank?”

„It's not.” Tyler says.

„Wait. What?” Bill looks genuinely shocked.

Josh wants to cry. He feels panic building up in his chest and his breathing picks up. This is not what he had planned, this is not how he wanted to tell them. 

„We are together. We are a couple. We are engaged.” Tyler explains calmly. „We're not joking and this is not a prank. We've been together for a while. It works for us. But if you have any objections, better tell me now so we can leave before any of you give Josh a panic attack.”

„Are you kidding?” Abigail squeals. She stands up from her seat and almost throws herself at Josh across the table. She embraces him tightly, whispering congratulations in his ear. „I'm so happy for you! Josh! This is amazing! I always knew you two had something beautiful going on and I wasn't wrong!”

„Thank you.” He smiles when they pull away from each other. „Thank you, Abby. It means the world to me.”

„So, what?” Jordan asks, confused. „You're, like... bisexual? Because you were with Debby before and you're apparently attracted to men as well...”

„I am.” Josh nods.

„And Tyler?”

„I don't know if I'm attracted to men, I'm just attracted to Josh. I mean, just look at him.” 

„Well, it's about time.” Bill states, chuckling. „You always were a little bit too close for my liking.”

„We're best friends, dad. Of course, we were close.”

„No, no. You would need to see it through my eyes to understand what I'm talking about.”

They accept congratulations from Ashley and Jordan, and hugs from Josh's father who only whispers _I will always love you, no matter what_ straight into Josh's ear. Only Laura remains as a statue in her chair and looks at everything with a blank expression on her face. Tyler notices it right away. When everyone goes back to their seats, he looks straight at her and catches her gaze.

„Look.” He sighs and helps Izzy with taking another bite. „I know it's probably a shock to you but I love your son. Like, genuinely, love him. He's my best friend in the whole world and I love him. But the thing is, I also happen to be _in love_ with him. I fell in love with him and we've been in a romantic relationship for over a year now. We live together and I will take care of him and this little girl as long as they want me in their lives. Because I love them both. Unconditionally. I love this sweet creature and I don't see why I shouldn't treat her like my own daughter." He says, kissing the top of Izzy's head. She immediately turns around with a slice of boiled carrot stuck on her fork and holds it close to his mouth. He accepts it with a smile. „Thank you, sweetie. Now, your turn. Eat some beans.”

„I'm a bean.” Izzy states with a serious expression on her face.

„Yes, you are. You're my precious little bean.”

Everyone awws and the scene is too cute for Josh to ignore it so he leans in and kisses Tyler's cheek. But the singer turns his head and captures Josh's lips in a slow sweet kiss, pulling him closer by his chin. _Love you_ , he whispers against his mouth. Izzy reacts almost immediately, turning around in Tyler's lap and pouting her little lips. Josh knows how much she loves kisses so they both give her one. Satisfied, she focuses on the plate again, trying to stab food with her fork. 

The magic is gone when a sudden sob makes them snap their heads up. Josh's heart stops when he notices his mother who cries, hiding her face in her hands.

 _She's probably disgusted_ , it's the first thing that crosses Josh's mind, _what have we done_.

She stands up and leaves the room. The laughter dies and even Izzy follows Laura with her gaze. 

Bill speaks first.

„I'll talk to her.”

„No.” Josh shakes his head, rising from his chair. „I will.”

„Wait. I'm going with you.” Tyler says and passes Izzy to Jordan, who sits next to him. „Stay with uncle Jordan, alright? And eat some more vegetables. Daddy and I need to talk to grandma, okay?”

„M'kay.” Izzy says, making herself comfortable in the younger Dun's lap.

They don't need to look far. They find Laura in the kitchen, standing next to the counter with her back facing the door and her head hung low. Her shoulders keep shaking and she doesn't even try to hide the fact that she's crying.

Josh takes a deep breath and lets go of Tyler's hand. He steps closer and touches Laura's arm. 

„Mom?” He says quietly and it seems like it makes her cry even more. „Momma...” He sighs and tries to gather her in his arms. She doesn't fight with him - she simply turns around and lets him wrap his arms around her. She tucks her head under his chin and Josh kisses the top of her hair. „I know you're disappointed. But this is who I truly am and this is how things are now and I'm not sorry for it.”

She doesn't say anything for a long moment and Josh keeps rocking her gently in his arms.

„I am.” She finally says.

„What?” Josh frowns, making an eye contact with Tyler who looks back at him, alerted. „What did you say?”

„I am sorry, Joshua. I am so sorry.” Laura sobs. „I am sorry for being such a bad mother! I'm so ashamed of myself.”

„You're not a bad mother.” Josh says softly.

„But you're a bad liar.” She sniffles, pulling away. She dries her cheeks and blows her nose in a piece of a paper towel.

„Alright. I admit, the last year and a half was crap but... I still love you. You're my mother, how could I not?”

„I was so blind.” Laura shakes her head and steps back. Tyler walks over to Josh and puts his arm around the drummer's waist. „Everyone kept telling me that I'm making a mistake. _Everyone._ Everyone kept saying that I should be proud of you, I should be proud of your decisions. I wasn't proud. I was so mad. I had this perfect picture of you in my head, of your family, of your wife. You are my oldest son and I have expected so much... Too much.”

„Mom-”

„I let my faith and my pride take over my life. I should have never let it happen.” Laura continues. „I’ve missed so much! I wasted so much time being angry… and now she’s so big and so beautiful, and she doesn’t accept me! She’s scared of me.”

„She’s just shy. She will come around once you feed her chocolate.” Tyler says with a smile. 

„And you will pay for every single dentist’s appointment.” Josh laughs, kissing the side of the singer’s head. At the same time, his phone starts ringing in his pocket. „Oh. It’s Debby.” He says, looking at the screen. 

Tyler takes the phone from him.

„I will get that. You two stay here and talk.” He says, pecking Josh on the lips. For a moment Josh is worried that they’re too affectionate in front of Laura but when he sees a little smile on her lips, he changes his mind. „Hey, Debs! Yeah, yeah, he’s here, he’s just a little bit busy right now. Oh yeah, sure.” Tyler says, disappearing in the hallway. „Izzy! Mommy’s calling, do you want to talk to her?” He yells and Josh rolls his eyes.

„You really make it work, don’t you.” Laura asks, looking up at her son.

„We do.” Josh nods. „It took us a lot of time, many tears and endless conversations… But we really do make it work.”

„I finally see how happy you are. And I see how happy he makes you. And you’re really engaged?”

„We really are.” Josh laughs. „He proposed, like, a year ago.”

„Dear God.” Laura sighs. „Why aren’t you married yet?”

„I didn’t want the wedding to happen without the most important person in my life being there.” The drummer says, staring at his mother. When she realizes what he said, she starts tearing up again. He embraces her and rubs her back. „But I guess I can start making a guest list now… What do you think?”

„I think I really want to see you both in matching wedding suits.”

Josh laughs.

„I think it can be arranged.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a wrap.
> 
> Thank you for sticking around until the end.  
> Thank you for every comment and over 600 kudos.


	28. Author's Note

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!

Since the number of subscriptions to this story still keeps increasing (WHAT), this is just a quick note to say that this part of the series is finished but you can find some bonus chapters [HERE](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15564861/chapters/36134538).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Love you x


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